Child hitting in reception

[JellyOnAPlatewithicecream]

My DC started reception in September at an all through private school. He previously had issues at preschool (different place) with behaviour towards other children (snatching/teasing etc) but not violence. They were concerned and refer him to the community paediatrician to be assessed for autism/ADHD etc. The person we saw did an initial assessment and said she didn't have concerns (that she thought it was normal 3/4 year-old behaviour etc) so he didn't go on to have the full assessment and was discharged.

Thought he might grow out of it and be better when at school and more stimulated etc. But after a few weeks the incidents started and I've had multiple phone calls home from teachers about him hitting/scratching/pushing/being difficult with teachers/using objects to him children.. we've been called in to a meeting with them (they were very nice and focussed on how we / they could help him etc). But it's carried on into this year too and seems to be getting worse.

I really don't know what to do. His dad and I are separated and I think he has anger around that, but still don't think that's the full picture. Also he doesn't tick a lot of the main signs of autism (not an expert but from what I've read) so not sure if it's that really.

My questions are, does anyone have any advice, and how likely do you think it is he'll eventually be asked to leave the school? We did look around a small and very nurturing prep school and I'm now wondering if that might be better suited to him. Or maybe it'll make no difference at all!!? Or would state school be better (I can't see how a bigger class size and more stretched teachers would help the matter, but again am no expert!)

TIA

I think your first step would be to try to come up with a school/home behaviour plan which has, if possible, the same consequence for hitting. He needs to know that he cannot hit ANYBODY for ANY REASON and that if he does hit, he will have to (have 5 mins on the time out chair/stand in the corner etc), then he needs the opportunity to talk about why he hit and what he should have done. With hitting the consequences need to be all the time, he can't be punished at school, but only sometime/never at home, with grandparents, with dad etc. Except on the rare occasion where the punishment would have other serious consequences, like he's hit you as you are going out for a medical appointment and 5 mins in time out would make you late, the punishment is enacted whenever.

Hmmm sounds like he's spoilt and doesn't like to hear the word no or not get his own way. Sounds like he's an only child too. Which when you put him with a large group of others children in a regulated formal setting like a school where's he's expected to do certain things at certain times that why he's acting out

He needs consequences. A right royal telling off to be honest. My son went through something similar when he started pre school and it went on for weeks - a little group of them always in trouble - seemed like once the pecking order was sorted out and they realised life wasn't all about them doing what they wanted when they wanted it settled down. Oh and he got a right telling off from me too.

The problem is if it is an impulse control issue, he won't necessarily be able to prevent himself. So that may then become a cause of frustration.

Has he got other strategies to help him calm down when he's over stimulated? Shouting into a pillow, kicking a cushion, ripping paper, really hard bouncing on a trampoline or swinging? Just saying 'no hitting' without any alternatives to vent the volcano (as we used to call it) won't help - he needs something he can do to release that build up.

Consequences are all well and good when it's something a child has control over, but without any redirection activities, a punishment just adds to the feelings he has that he already can't manage effectively.

Yes exactly, he even said to me this evening that taking things away from him isn't a good idea - because that will make him even more angry..

I'm not sure how to help him with the anger / impulse control stuff.

Totally get that he might also be a bit spoilt and need a bit more of a firmer telling off.

Have you ever read about autism with a PDA profile OP?

I think it’s all well and good people blaming your parenting. And maybe you could firm up on boundaries a bit. But the clearly spoilt kids in my DC’s school are not violent and aggressive. Thats rooted in something else.

That's an honest answer.

You, his dad, grandparents all need to be on board and motivated to change how you deal with him. Hopefully the fact he's upsetting other children is enough but as another motivator, this will (if not already) affect his friendships, parties he's invited to, play dates. He/You might not notice it in reception when everyone is invited to everything but as he gets older he'll be excluded from things because parents and children won't want the child who hurts others to come. Harsh as that sounds but that's what will happen.

Let him know the punishment and make it simple - if you hurt anyone at school you will have your tablet taken off you/no TV etc. stick to it, no excuses of hes tired or he's ill. No feeling sorry for him.

He will be standing out by behaving like this and you need to do something now.

Disagree with the PP about “just being consistent with consequences”. If he is genuinely struggling with his reactions, then consequences and punishments won’t help no matter how consistent you are. Because when he’s “in the moment” and feels angry and like lashing out he isn’t going to stop and think oh but I might lose X privilege. He isn’t able to as he isn’t in control.

Also, if it’s mainly happening at school then you aren’t really in a position to apply consequences- and I imagine nursery and school have tried that already (and firm tellings off too) and it hasn’t worked.

What helped in our case - slowly - was going over and over what my DC should do if they got angry or frustrated. It was almost a mantra which we repeated on the way to nursery and school: what do you do if you feel cross? Take a big breath. Tell a teacher. What do you not do? Hit anyone.

The other thing that helped was working out the root cause (in our case, a medical condition causing extra tiredness and volatility) and mitigating it (some days/half days off school when DC was clearly tired and reactive).

also not sure about the “kick a cushion” advice - maybe at home, but not possible at school which is where this is happening.

The thing is a lot of people I know have a similar level of letting them get away with things (gentle parenting, general difficulty of dealing with a child plus a job / life etc). And are also only children, and they don't seem to be having these issues.

Yes also I'm sure school have done firm tellings off etc, they said there was a lot of pushing and shoving the first few weeks and they managed to iron it out with the others but not my DC.

So not fully convinced that's the full picture. Maybe he just needs firmer boundaries than most though.

They might say infront of others they follow gentle parenting if that's what your social circle advocates but behind closed doors may well be a different story and that's why your peer group may not be experiencing the same (plus no two children are the same)

Firm boundaries consequences - a child shouldn't be telling you what punishments suit the crime/what will work for them. You, the dad and his grandparents need to follow through

I know from spending time with them and their children, and also from stories they tell that their approaches aren't all that different. Maybe having two parents in the house helps law the law down a bit more I don't know.

He definitely seems to struggle more with anger / social situations etc more than other though.

Does anyone know how I'd go about getting a EP to go to the school?

The SendCo may have a list of some they have used before or you find one privately.

Keep us updated OP. It's tough

If he is ND, then be careful about discussions around consequences as it can easily spiral. He will be upset about whatever has triggered the behaviour in the first place and won't have been able to control his response to that trigger yet he has now done something for which he needs to have a consequence and so he will be punished for that. The fact that he is suggesting consequences and that they are quite major ones (taking his bike away) makes me wonder if he is hoping that the threat of a major consequence will be enough for him to be able to control himself when he actually can't. Both DS and I are awaiting a formal diagnosis of ADHD and I have gradually learned over the years that however major the consequence or the incentive, it won't actually be enough to override the impulse or procrastination and just gives me/DS more to beat myself/himself up about.

Go back and get the assessment done.

Ask school to arrange Ed psych and also ask for senco (special education needs coordinator) to observe him.
Ask school what strategies they are using to manage behaviour and aim to do similar at home. If they are struggle he may benefit from being on a Sen plan.
He may also benefit from sensory breaks in school if he's getting overwhelmed. Social stories can also help children who struggle to regulate themselves.

Do school run any semh (social emotional mental health) programs like Lego therapy things like tgat can really benefit.

He has had a great week, not sure if it's a coincidence or not. I asked him why he thought it had been a good week and he said because of our conversation about consequences...

I agree it's not the full answer though, and realise a lot of the time he probably can't help his behaviour. But do think there is a bit of room for him to try at least ( to not to get physical ) - after all surely that's what early years learning is partly about, learning how to not hit people on the head when they've annoyed you 😂

The school have suggested an assessment by OT and also speech and language therapist. So we'll get that organised. I mentioned EP but she said that would be for older children when they can assess their academic ability a bit more (at least I think that's what she said).

Sounds very similar to my ASD son (now 8yrs). Look at low demand parenting (I follow accounts on Instagram). Attending the right school for him was the biggest factor and so don't be frightened of changing schools. You're looking for a school that wants your son and where he can feel he belongs. It sounds like he doesn't want to be hitting others and when my son's environment was changed to suit him then he stopped. All behaviour is communication, what is he communicating? (There are ways to try to figure this out if your child can't explain). Not getting what an ASD child wants is a common trigger, that doesn't mean you give them what they want all the time, but you can plan for the nos.

OP, your son sounds exactly like mine - now in Year 1. He's also in an independent mainstream prep school. Last year he was hitting, kicking, even throwing chairs. This year there's barely anything. Things can change and there is hope.

He was NOT spoiled, there WERE (and still are) consistent consequences at home (in reference to PPs in this thread), so please don't blame yourself. My son is actually autistic and has ADHD. Impulse control is harder for him than other kids and he struggles with emotional regulation. He is, however, lovely, sociable, kind, and insanely clever.

Here's what I would do (and did do):

• get hearing checked (for glue ear etc)
• get a blood test (look out for things like low iron, vitamin D, magnesium)
• Ask school to sort out an IEP Nd a behaviour risk assessment if they haven't already.
• SALT assessment
• OT assessment
• EP assessment
• arrange an ASD and ADHD assessment. If you go through Right to Choose it is free (but done through a private company).
• see if your school can offer play therapy / lego therapy

In parallel with this, apply for an EHCP. It might not happen but it takes a long time so get the ball rolling (BTW we did manage to get my son an EHCP. It wasnt easy but we got there - think it took about 6 months altogether).

To warn you, in my experince, all the above can be very costly as in a private school you generally have to pay for any extras like SALT and OT. Apply for DLA. This may help with costs of things like SALT/OT etc. We did get my son's EHCP, so his weekly SALT, OT and ELSA sessions are now covered, but it was very expensive for a while and DLA money made it a fraction easier.

We did all the above last year and it made a huge difference. He's thriving at school (and academically one of the top two in his year group). More importantly, he's happy, and the school are happy with him.

One more bit of advice is arrange as many playdates as your son can reasonably cope with, and get to know the families. This made it much easier for us when my son hit another child as we already had a relationship with the families so they knew we aren't bad parents and that my son is lovely. As far as I know no parents have complained about him - they've been very supportive, tolerant and patient, and I'm really grateful for that. Now things are going so well - for now at least - but knowing that the other families know and like us made it easier when things were going badly.

Hope that helps. Feel free to pm me if I can help any more.

PS acronyms take some getting used to:
OT = Occupational Therapist
SALT = speech and language therapy
EHCP = education, health care plan
ELSA = emotional literacy support
IEP = individual education plan (might be known as ISP - individual support plan)

Ps the bit about the EP... yes, often more useful with older children, but still of use with younger children. Also, essential if wanting an EHCP - it's part of the needs assessment. The LA will pay for an EP to assess as part of the needs assessment but I wish we had got our own privately as it would have been better evidence
I had to fought some of the things their EP said as they were plain wrong. Again, it's costly. Depends what you can afford. I'd prioritise OT and SALT but I wouldn't disregard a private EP assessment if you can afford it.

Thank you everyone! Yes I was anticipating the OT and SALT wouldn't be cheap 😣