Devasted - any advice welcome

[slipperandpjsmum]

My dd has struggled in school since she began. Her birthday is right at the end of Aug and to be honest it was hardly worth her turning up in the first year as everything was beyond her. She is small, the youngest in the class and now, in year 3 seems to be labelled by the other children as a bit 'slow'. She has a group EP but its not helping. She had a private tutor which worked well but she was so tired working in the evenings as well after a full day. I have been asking and asking for a dyslexia assessment for two years but they have not had a SENCO in school so yesterday I had one done privately. The results have devasted us. Apart from her very, very low scores with numercay and logic it was her self perception that has been the most upsetting thing. It was so sad it felt like my heart was breaking 'I am not very good at school, lots of people make fun of me at school cause I get most things wrong, I never answer questions cause I never get one right' on and on it went. I feel I have let her down so badly and should have been more assertive. We talked last night and discussed moving schools. I rang one this morning who said I could not look round until I have discussed it with the head of her current school. Really I would have preferred to look round decide if we like it then tell her. But have an appointment Fri. Does anyone have any advice. I feel the school has had more than enough chances and its time to move but can they say they need to put stratergies in place first?? Any tips most welcome. Sorry its so long but very upset about it all.

I have no advice, but I am so sorry. Poor little girl and poor you.

I think a move sounds like a good bet - but she will need some help with her self confidence as well before she gets to the new school or the same thing may happen again.

Could the people who did the assessment support you at the meeting with the school?

I hope you get some good advice.

I think I would feel school has faild me and DD too if I was in your situation.

What about not telling the school you are interested in the exact reason of your interest? Surely, they let prospective parents have a look arround and ask question routinely? Why should it be different because you want to change your daughter school?

Oh poor poor you.

The important thing is you now have the information you need to change things (I have been here with ds). Believe me, it can all turn around.

Could she start year 3 again at a new school? Summer born children do really suffer, especially in the early years.

I think you should push the current school for an plan of action to deal with your child's difficulties before moving on to another school, which would be disruptive and may be the same anyway.

I would think a fresh start would be better for her.

A new school would be chosen by you because of its attitude towards helping your dd's needs and so she would start on a much better footing and would be able to form friendships in a much more positive environment.

Is it worth looking at a play counsellor as well to help with the self esteem issues?
That and a tailored approach from a new school would do wonders I should think.

Like Hully I have been there with DSD, she had very low self esteem but is doing so much better now.

You're clearly a lovely mum who cares very much, wishing you both all the best. x

hi there, I really feel for you. You could be talking about my dd, who is also summer born (and young for her age), who wasn't ready to start school at just over 4 and has really struggled. She's due to start year 3 in sept but still works at level 1 for most things. I did change her school in yr 1, as her previous school were very academic and really had no idea how to handle kids who weren't ready! She is still behind but has made progress especially with reading. Her self esteem was very low too, but her new school have been very good at encouraging her and praising her for every small step.
We did look round her new school before telling the old, but we did speak to the old head after the visit. It didn't change our minds though!

Poor you and poor DD. At least you have the information now and you can do something from here on in. Try not to dwell on the past too much.

I was going to say the same as hully - could she go back and do year 3 again at the new school, if you like it? I think if I was in your position I would want a new start.

No direct experience but you have my sympathies.

we are taking DD out of current school for very similar reasons - i think often the school won't do the dyslexia assessment as once it's done they are obliged legally to provide help through School Action etc.

DD's current school is top of league tables and OFSTED "outstanding" but it has completely failed DD in every way. I would definitely advise looking at other schools (and tell current head why if need be - we did and he basically looked the other way and said he was "doing his best"). In my experience the ones that are less glowing in terms of league tables often have far more TAs and more support in the classroom.

Good luck with it all; it's devestating to hear that about your child but luckily your DD is young enough for you to be able to make positive changes that will improve things for her.

Poor little girl...sounds very much like my ds who was summer born too. We moved him at the end of Year 2 - school was too academic and ds was getting the brunt of the teacher's frustration, as was I. His confidence took a real beating from the teacher's constant complaining to him about his inability to concentrate, he gave up trying...we had children coming around our house from his class telling me how ds couldn't listen or concentrate in class and the teacher was constantly telling him so - great way to encourage a child.

We also had to tell the Head before we went looking around schools, she was pretty useless though, supported her staff, denied there was a problem and consequently refused to change anything. We had update meetings to check if things had improved but by then I'd lost faith in the school's ability to deal with my ds, they were more interested in being defensive and looking blameless.

Head at the new school was aware of his confidence issues and his new teacher was really good and very sensitive to his needs. We spent the following year building his confidence up - showing him what he could do. He is now in Year 4. Age has definitely helped him but I regretted choosing a school with excellent Sats results, I had somehow connected good teaching with good Sats.....I know....I was deluded!

Would definitely move her. Good Luck

my summer born end of august birthday niece moved schools and repeated year 1 and it did her the world of good.

i can't see why you can't look round this other school before you have dsicsused with the current head though

Your poor little girl.

It makes me angry that schools in the UK are so inflexible about the age rule. It sounds like your DD has been set up to fail by forcing her to be with a year group she cannot keep up with.

But given the situation I agree a fresh start would be best, preferably in a school that will allow her to repeat a year.

Our experience was exactly like that of ICantFindAGoodNickname. The original school we chose was Ofsted outstanding with great SATS results. It didn't suit dd at all, she learnt hardly anything in yr 1. I did want her to repeat yr 1 in the new school but we weren't allowed, unfortunately. dh and I now suspect that part of the reason why the old school's yr 2 SATS are so good is because any less able/not ready/SEN kids are taken out before then by disgruntled parents!

My heart's breaking for you, how agonising. I know how I felt when a little girl in my dd's class said 'Why is X so sad all the time?'. My dh and I cried that night, but it was a wake up call to sort out issues. In her case not academic issues but social ones.
Don't forget, you now being aware means YOU will be showering her love and confidence through talking to her, encouraging her, praising her, listening to her. And that go a long way to helping her through this. My dd 'grew' through us heaping praise on her and telling her how proud we were of her.
You sound like a lovely mum and are doing all the right things.
I would also see the school and see what can be done for her rather than immediately change, tho I understand completely why you feel like that.

I'd seriously think about the same course of action taken by Lulumaam - new school for a fresh start and repeat a year so dd is no longer the youngest and can repeat/review information in the school setting instead of with tutors outside school hours. It might also help her confidence to find she knows answers instead of feeling anxiety about getting wrong.

Could the private dyslexia assessment organisation help in pointing you toward some schools that might suit your daughter's needs? Do they have a recommendation about what you might do with the information they've given you so your dd is best served?

And I should also say I'm sorry for your dd and you. It is awful to know that your child has struggled when it might have been handled so very differently.

I'm interested by the school that says you can't look round until you've discussed it with the head of your daughter's current school. I wonder if your LA is one of the few that still try to make you go through a transfer process if you want to move to a different school within the LA and can decide to refuse the transfer. If so, they are acting illegally. If the school you now want has a place available for your daughter they have to give it to her when you apply.

OP, is your DD currently at a private school? Schools have to have a SENCo so I'm not sure how they've got away without one for two years. It definitely sounds as though your DD has slipped below the radar as there's no way, unless they're having a particularly bad day, that a 7-year-old should feel that sad about school and that reluctant to answer questions.

From a teacher's point of view my first thought was to wonder what questioning techniques are used in class e.g. is it a 'hands up if you know the answer' approach or more paired talk, use whiteboards to show ideas etc.? I make a point of asking questions that don't have right or wrong answers and tell the children this but also work with pairs containing less confident children to reassure them that their ideas are good ones to share and that I'd like them to tell everyone once we're sharing ideas in a whole class group again.

Unfortunately the elements of the assessment that are going to stick out are the negative ones and I wonder if it might be helpful for you and your DD to create a special scrapbook about all the things she IS good at. You might want to include a photo of her as a baby and then perhaps some post-it notes/labels with reasons you loved her when she was a baby e.g. super sleeper, gave Mummy massive smiles, giggled when Mummy tickled her etc. etc. Another page could have a current photo of her and you could work together to come up with things she's good at; being kind, trying hard, brilliant ideas, excellent on her scooter etc. Try to get into the habit of adding something every day, perhaps at bedtime so that before long she has a book packed with all the things she's best at/brilliant at.

I've done something similar with the Y5/6 classes I've taught and it always goes down well... the children write comments about each other so they vary from 'tells the best jokes about farts' to 'always spoke to me in Somali before I knew any English'.

It might be worth telling her current teacher how down she is feeling about school and asking her to look out for one thing each day that could be added to her 'me book' - it could be jotted on a scrap of paper or told to you when you collect her and added when you get home.

Go and visit some other schools and ask about the type of support they would expect a child like your DD to benefit from and then ask the Head of her current school if/how they could offer the same. Ultimately she may benefit from a fresh start at a school that are rather more clued up about dyslexia and self-esteem but her current school still need to challenged on their lack of provision.

Sorry about the slightly-but-not-entirely related teaching rant to follow, but this is why Ofsted and league tables have a lot to answer for. Judgements are made on standards, standards, standards now and that shows such a tiny part of the picture.

My school is in a deprived area and many of the children come to us with a very low baseline of social skills, language acquisition and numeracy skills. In my class I have 10 children (a third of the class) on IEPs. We group carefully and are sure to target our teaching to ensure that all children succeed and have their successes recognised. They will not progress if they are not given a positive attitude to their work. The children who come into my class (year 1) with the lowest EYFS scores often make progress at a much faster pace than the higher ability children and I would be appalled if any of them felt 'not good at school' or that they weren't clever. Then again, we are used to encouraging and supporting children who are behind for whatever reason because they are so numerous.

I think what I am trying to say is that for a child to feel a failure at your DDs age is shocking and inexcusable. Find a school that nurtures and values her talents. Don't look at test scores to evaluate a school. Look at how they support children like your DD and choose a school where she will be happy. I can not stress how important that is.

I also speak as a parent of a late August born, premature, DS who goes to a wonderful school and is praised and encouraged and supported although he is still extremely behind the other children. Don't let your DDs school experience be anything less.

lifeissweet is on my usual soapbox... IME schools that have a more challenging intake (be that emotionally, socially, academically or whatever) are the ones that make the effort to ensure school is a happy and nurturing place. Being a teacher is a massive responsibility in those schools and I think most of us take it seriously so will bend over backwards to do what it takes to ensure that every child experiences success.

Unfortunately for us we will rarely experience success ourselves in terms of Ofsted and league tables because they deal in numbers and averages... no-one is an average! So long as schools are judged, by parents, the media, politicians and everyone else using published data (which includes the progress made/not by children who were in the English system at Y2 but takes no account of children who have arrived in the country since then, perhaps making astonishing progress or children who've been educated elsewhee) then schools such as these will be shortchanged in so many ways .

Contact your least popular local schools, the ones on 'notice to improve' or rated 'satisfactory' and visit those ones. You may find they offer a different take on success....

I also find it odd that you have to ask the head's permission before being allowed to investigate a new school. We took DS3 out of his school after Y2 because we were very unhappy, and didn't tell his old school until the last day of term that he wouldn't be coming back in September.

I agree with the others that starting in a new place where the other kids have no preconceived ideas about her, and repeating Y3 so that she is confident in dealing with the work would seem to be the best thing for her.

FWIW all the schools in our area have a policy of insisting that you discuss your child's potential move before looking around a new school - they see it as showing courtesy to your old school and the Head - giving them a chance to deal with the problem first...we did because we didn't wish to get off on a wrong footing with new school and we were intrigued to see what the Head would say - nothing useful came out of it though, but it was worth exploring. The LEA said I most definitely wasn't required to do so. Not sure what would of happened had I refused.

Our LEA does not make parents go through a transfer process before moving their child to another school. However, headteachers do encourage parents who approach them about an inward transfer to first talk to the headteacher of the school that they're intending to leave. That's because sometimes the first the school knows of the parents' dissatisfaction is when they notify the school that they're leaving. Therefore - given that local heads want to ensure that the children don't go through the upheaval of moving schools for the sake of a minor problem that's easily fixed - they ask parents to talk to the school first. I wouldn't, though, call it 'permission' - at least, not in our LEA.

OP's circumstances, though, sound very different as she's clearly been struggling to have her daughter's needs recognised and met for years.

In defence of the schools, we in this area have come to an agreement with all the local schools about pupils changing schools. The same might be happening where you are.

The agreement is very simply that if a school is approached about admitting a pupil they will show them around etc but that they will advice the parent to go back to the current school and talk to the headteacher about the issues. It was found that frequently the parent had not had any discussion with the current school. The advice was to speak to the head and see if things could be resolved. If not then if a place was available then the school admiteed the pupil.

It is plainly wrong to not allow a parent to see the school unless they have discussed it with the current school head. That is against the school admission code.

God that is awful. It also sounds a lot like my eldest dd, now 11. It is heartbreaking and soul destroying.

All I can say is be 100% about the next school.
I took my kids out of school a few months ago and haven't looked back. My daughter's confidence is slowly returning and there is no need for me or her to worry about what stage she's at. There is no competition and she can learn at her own pace and try to express herself with no pressure.

It may not be the answer for you, but thought I'd put it out there. I feel like I have my daughter back.

Here, here, 'lifeissweet'.

But it's parents who are responsible - they follow the league tables, label some schools as rough and gossip about what they perceive to be bad schools.

SE13 mummy - our dds schools sounds very similar to where you teach and it is does astonishing things with its children, many who join without english.

To the OP, your poor daughter. Ignore your head - you don't have to ask permission to look round another school. Enjoy the summer together and try for a fresh start somewhere else. Look for a school that has more of a mix of children, perhaps has 'reading recovery' schemes or other.

Good luck.

Why did it not have a SENCO? All schools should have one of these? Who is responsible for the special needs children?