How would your 4/5 year old react to a child who...

[FightingDwarf]

...has no or very little hair (usually wears a headscarf), has lots of tubes under her t-shirt in a little bag (hickman line and gastrostomy) and has a lot of time off school?

I'm wondering how best to prepare DD for starting school in September. Will the other kids notice? Ask her/the teacher/their parents questions? What sort of questions might they ask? Do 4 and 5 year olds have much understanding of cancer? DD has no concept whatsoever of death and I'd like to keep it that way for as long as possible, but some of the other children will have come across it in some way, won't they? Should I talk to her about it before she comes home from school upset with another childs "explanation" or am I worrying about nothing there?

To be honest, whatever responses I try coach her with, she'll probably just shrug when another child talks to her anyway!

Hmm, intersting one
MY DS would be fascinated by the tubes, but probably not notice the lack of hair

We had a long conversation where he was telling me about a child in his class group by height, hair colour, what toys they liked and whatever else you can think of without him once mentioning they were the only black kid in the group- apparently he hadnt noticed that!

When we met a little girl last year just before he started school who had one hand (she had the same thing as the women off Cbeebies), he was fascinated and wanted to know about it and asked me to ask, but wasnt upset by it at all- he still recalls her and says 'my friend with one hand'

My DS suprises me comign home talking about death and heaven- I think it must be in their Year R curriculm somewhere, but he doesnt really get it, and doesnt know what cancer is at all. My dad has just been diagnosed and he doesnt have any concept of what is wrong or what it could mean longer term

I don't know for sure, but I find children of that age pretty accepting and non-judgemental. You tell them "x has no hair because she is poorly and the medicine made it fall out"

"Oh". "Shall we play tig"

My DS who is in reception 'knows' about cancer due to SIL and GD, but would still not be able to offer a true explanation. Or even untrue explanation IYKWIM.

My DD has SN and has inclusion sessions at the local mainstream school in Reception class. The children are very welcoming and have never asked about her differences.

My 4 year old is in reception and is obsessed with dying- he has been asking questions with increasing frequency over the last few weeks. I'm not sure where it has come from- there is no-one sick within the family or school- and he hasn't suffered a bereavement- but the concept of death is definitely on his radar at the moment. You need to be prepared that this is a normal 'interest' for children this age- they're starting to learn about and try to understand the wider world.

As to whether he'd notice something like another child having no hair/medical paraphernalia, I don't know. Some things children totally accept at face value especially at age 4/5 and others they don't. For example, a child in his class got glasses and he mentioned that at home, but has never mentioned that the child in question is the only black child in his class.

Good luck with school. It's a hard step for all parents but I'm sure it will be especially bittersweet for you.

The DC would be interested but not especially bothered.

In the same way that they will say, quite matter of fact, XXX has different colour skin to me - sometimes XXX is in fact different race (Asian, Hispanic), sometimes just naturally olive skinned.

The hair I think would be mentioned, but not as a cause for concern, just as in XXX has blue eyes; YYY has pierced ears etc etc.

I suspect DD at that age wouldn't have thought it worth commenting on - picking up from DreamTeamGirl's example, she has never thought the woman from CBeebies worth commenting on, nor she paid any particular attention to the fact that a little girl in her ballet class was missing one of her arms.

I suspect the 'danger' will come from children with older siblings, old enough to be more knowing, but not old enough to be tactful. Would you have an opportunity to talk to her class teacher about it before she starts school? S/he may well have insight and experience into how young children will respond to differences.

ds has some idea of death, but i doubt he would mention it because he wouldn't associate any of what you have described with dying.

i think he would notice lack of hair etc, but he would probably just accept that that's how she is- x has long hair, y has short hair, z has no hair... just another kind of hairstyle if you like!

i don't think he'd really notice if someone had lots of time of school.

he's the kind of child who might stare at something unusual, so that might include the tubes and things- but won't necessarily talk to the person direct. so he'd probably come home and say "did you know x has some pipes that she wears?" or soemthing like that and of course i'd explain about it to him

will her teacher do a little talk to the other children to explain why dd has tubes and things?

Like cktwo, my dd2 has inclusion in mainstream - she has a Gastrostomy, splints, wheelchair, is hoisted, bum-shuffles...

Young children are very accepting. Have a chat with the class teacher about how to approach it, and how much information to reveal to the children. You may have to repeat all this after a term or so as their understanding develops, as they get to know your dd better, and they fill in gaps in their info themselves - often with very odd explanations they've made up themselves!

The older children might be interested too - and imo are usually very caring and helpful.

Thank you all. That's very reassuring. I will definately make sure I talk to the teacher before the summer.

DreamTeamGirl, I'm sorry about your Dad, and LadyBlaBlah about your SIL and GD too.

I know my 5 yo would ask questions along the lines of "what is that for", "why do you have no hair", "do your wires hurt" but would be satisfied with a very simple explanation along the lines of LadyBlahBlah's - X is poorly, the tube is for..., x had to have special medicine which made their hair fall out.

At this age, they are very curious so I think questions are inevitable but children are very accepting and once they think their questions have been answered satisfactorily most probably wouldnt even think to mention it again.

If it puts your mind at ease, I dont think any child of this age would be malicious or anything like that, probably more concerned and I know mine would probably ask at home if there was anything she didnt understand rather than constantly bringing it up at school.

Hope your DD has a wonderful at time school

FightingDwarf - how is your dd doing? and how are you doing?

Ds had a boy with selective mutism in his class. None of the kids think anything of it and all are inclusive in their approach to him. Children tend to accept differences very well at this age.

ds1 has also never mentioned skin colour when talking about any of the children in his class-
they tend to see the person, not their appearance, if that makes sense?

he has also got a child in his class who is diabetic and has to have finger prick tests and tablets during the day and he has never mentiond that at all
just another thing that happens at school!

DD1 starts school this Sept too. SHe has never picked up on Cerrie's missing arm despite being a Cbeebies addict. My best mate's oldest boy is in a wheelchair and can not speak except through a computor. DD1 is entirely accepting and unphased by it. SHe is equally acccepting of skin colour differences - and of all differences in fact. There is a boy in her nursery who us autistic and she accepts that he has a different routine and requirments to her.

I agree that the kids will take their lead from the adults they watch interacting with your daughter. IF you can prep them so that they are confident in dealing with her needs, the rest of the class will take it in their stride, apart from some curious questions in the early days.

I hope she settles in well and enjoys her Reception year.

i have a 4yo and a 5yo, the older one is at school

neither would notice a lot of time off school, i expect the teacher would explain that she was ill/in hospital and they would probably send a card from the children

they would be curious about the lack of hair / headscarf but would accept a simple explanation eg the medicine / my illness makes my hair fall out so a wear a scarf to keep my head warm

they would be very interested in the tubes and ask lots of factual questions eg what are they for? do they hurt? do you take them out in the bath? can you still play football?

they have no idea of cancer but they know about death as their older brother died. i don't think they would associate tubes/ hair loss/scarf etc with being terminally ill, although i guess many adults would and might say something to their children

There is a little girl in dd's class who has had chemo and lost her hair and has scars on her head. She has another problem which is more obvious to the children but this was explained to them quite clearly and appropriately at the start of the year and all of the children seem to have accepted her and her differences without question. (Don't want to say what the problem is as it might identify her...) They know that she needs extra help with certain things and are often keen to be the one chosen to help. I definitely think a chat with the teacher beforehand might be the way to go...

I agree with the others. DD is in reception and would be interested but accepting. She asks questions about the little boy in her class who is quite severely autistic i.e why does he wear a nappy? why can't he talk much? but is very fond of him. I couldn't imagine her or any of her classmates mocking or bullying anyone 'different', just being interested in it.

I also agree. My daughter is just starting Reception and I think she would be curious, but not judgemental. My son is in Year 1 and there is a little girl in his class who is profoundly deaf, the other children have never been bothered by this and have just all learnt to sign so that they can communicate with her.

dd would stare at first. she'd come home and ask me questions. she would be aware it might be rude to ask your dd what it all means. she'd then just get used to how your dd looks and not think twice about it.

yes, i think my 5 yo who is nearly would perhaps be a bit more sensititive and might think twice before asking questions. But my 4yo would just jump right in there....

i agree with everyone who has said that they are very accepting at this age

i hope your Dd really enjoys school

There's a child in my DD's reception class who has a tracheostomy and, aside from being interested in its function, it's rarely mentioned. When my DD joined the class she came home and said, "X has a special tube in her throat to help her breathe and get fresh air into her lungs... it's very clever". There are a couple of children in the year group who have Down's Syndrome and Makaton is used by all the staff and children. Further up the school is a girl who is completely blind and uses a stick. Again, the children simply accept that her blindness is part of who she is.

It would be sensible to speak to the school and help them to come up with a description that you're happy to be used with the children. Depending on how you feel you may also ask the school to let parents of her classmates-to-be receive the same description so they are able to answer questions too.

I agree with the others that they will either not notice or be very matter of fact. If she has a particularly nice scarf DD1 would probably want one as well
There is a girl in her class (she is 4) with CP. They just know that Mrs x is her helper as she gets tired sometimes.

My DD, both now and at that age, would be curious and would ask me at home what, why, how type uestions. She des notice differences. She is/was inquistivie and observant. She used to ask about why people's eye colour was different. hair colour, why some people have freckles, why some people talk different, why some people had different skin colour, why some child got to be tall quick, etc. So, in the same line she'd have/would question these things too.

But she would and still would always have just been accepting of the child and inclusive from the start, treating your child in the exact same way as every other child, and a simple explanation from me or DH would settle her inquiring mind.

My daughter is 5 and in reception, she would probably ask ALOT of questions but then once she knew the answers she would not treat the child any differently. She would have no understanding of cancer at all other than that it is an illness. Since starting school she has talked about death which has surprised me but she doesnt really seem to understand the whole thing very clearly at all its more of a vague idea.