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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Did I handle this Ok?

47 replies

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 19:44

I am feeling frustrated about it and not sure of best protocol.

There is a mum at school and she often goes on to work after drop off, but sveral times a week she leaves her son early, I mean about 10 minutes before the bell.

She usually asks whoever is around to keep an eye' on him and make sure he goes in OK. It's usually not a big problem because they all muck about and race around, then go in as planned, but it makes me feel awkward for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, it is very hard to even locate her son, let alone supervise him - I wouldn't a have a clue where he was most of the time, just somewhere in the playground - hopefully. They all play chase before the bell.
Secondly I have a very rampant toddler at the moment who only last week had an accident in the playground before school, requiring a dash to A&E.
It's hard enough keeping an eye on him and his bro, without someone else's kid.
There is another step-mum who has started asking me as well, and it's getting silly.

We are always early so I feel like a sitting duck, especially as there isn't always anyone else around for her to ask and she pinpoints me then buggers off to work as early as possible (she could get away with being a few minutes later but doesn't - no idea why - just easier for her I think)

This morning I tried to not make eye contact, but despite my having my eyes closed and saying I felt terrible (sore throat, knackered etc) she still asked me to look out for her ds.

I said 'I feel worried about it because if something DID happen to him, I would have to go after my toddler, and couldn't actually help him or do anything' and she said 'Oh there is always a teacher around, don't worry' so I sort of went 'That's true I suppose' and she said 'are you sure you don't mind' and I said, well, I don't mind but I can't do anything if he is hurt etc'.

She basically said she didn't expect anything to happen, and went off cheerfully to work.

It seems to me that if she is that confident, why ask someone else to take the responsibility - it's unfair. Plus if something did happen to him and I had been 'in charge' I'm sure she wouldn't be so blaise.

aibu, really, not to want to be in this position? It's silly really but is bugging me.

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Original poster

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 19:47

The eyes closed bit sounds weird, what I mean is I was sat on the fence, and saw her coming from a distance, so was rubbing my eyes and holding my head a bit, as you might when you are tired, to try and avoid her asking me - but she did anyway.

I wasn't pretending to be tired, I really was! But thought she might take the hint.

OP posts:

nickschick · 15/03/2010 19:49

Stop going to school early .

Original poster

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 19:51

I would but it's an important part of our routine. It gives us a bit of quieter time before the massive rush of people, also we leave early in case the boys dawdle, etc, so sometimes get there too early if they don't!

I think I might look her in the eye next time and say 'he'll be fine, just go and stop worrying! There's a teacher over there!'

actually though she would still say 'i know but can you just make sure'

I guess I could say 'no' but then I will feel bad.

OP posts:

purpleturtle · 15/03/2010 19:53

Why did you say you don't mind, rather than, your first tactful attempt having made no impression, sticking to your guns?

Original poster

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 19:54

she does ask 'are you hanging around till the bell' actually, and I always say yes (because I do wait) but if I said no, she wouldn't know, would she - because she would have got someone else involved and left the premises by then.

I might do that.

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Original poster

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 19:55

Because she wasn't giving up. I didn't want to say an outright 'no' because it felt so rude.

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thisisyesterday · 15/03/2010 19:56

well you either need to say "sorry, i can't I feel awful and i have my 2 to watch"

or, get there later!

or, if you're really worried about the boy then talk to the teacher

Original poster

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 19:58

I suppose I could have said 'I can't' today, for those reasons, but next time I probably won't feel awful - I just could do without the extra responsibility iyswim.

I'm not worried about her son, he is fine and never bats an eyelid.

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Original poster

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 19:59

she did look around for some other gullible sod parent to ask instead, but there wasn't anyone, unfortunately.

Maybe, just maybe, she won't ask me after that. Otherwise I might need to get it tattooed on my forehead. 'No, not today, thankyou' or similar.

How useful would that be, actually, in all sorts of situations.

OP posts:

chicaguapa · 15/03/2010 20:03

Isn't the school responsbible for him after a certain time anyway? I'm allowed to leave DC 10 minutes before the bell.

orienteerer · 15/03/2010 20:03

Just get there later for a couple of days to break the cycle

traceybath · 15/03/2010 20:04

How old is the boy and whats the school's protocol on leaving children in the playground.

I drop ds1 off about 5 mins before the bell goes and he plays in the playground until the bell goes. The headmaster supervises the playground during that time.

thehillsarealive · 15/03/2010 20:06

if there is a teacher on duty all she has to say to the teacher is "I need to leave now" and the teacher will keep an eye on the child - or at least know he has no adult around him.

I really dont see what the big deal is. It is 10 minutes in a day, maybe one day you might need someone to help you out.

muppetgirl · 15/03/2010 20:06

I suppose you have a couple of things you could do

As someone has said , arrive later. walk down a different street, leave a little later, drive round another street. You can control what time you arrive so you can control the situation this way.

Say to her, when she next asks you as she will, I really don't mind on the odd occasion but this seems to be happening everyday and I'm not comfortable with that. There's a teacher over there you could ask...

You are equally in control of this situation.

You need to stop her taking advantage, she knows you'll say yes and ignores you should you try to say no. Other mums have noticed and they are taking advantage too.

I really don't think she's meaning to be rude, just a busy mum who can leave her son with another mum who stays to look after her child so could oversee both children. As soon as she's left the gate she's not giving it another thought.

Original poster

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 20:18

They are 6,

I'm not sure what the school thing is about it.
I know it probably sounds mean but I genuinely find it hard to manage my own kids in the mornings, I dread it in fact, and especially as ds2 runs off everywhere and I'm not exaggerating when I say I sometimes have to run after him 6, 7 times to try and keep him off the climbing frames and so on, which aren't fenced off but we get clobbered by the HT if the small kids go on them.

It's really hard work, and what I find is that I cannot keep a proper eye on her son at all, therefore feel dishonest and guilty agreeing to do it. plus if it was an emergency, I wouldn't mind at all - of course I wouldn't, but then I wouldn't ask someone to look after my ds in anything other than an emergency. It seems a bit cheeky - exactly that she CAN wander off and not give it another thought, while I am standing there trying desperately to make sure three children are OK in the chaos.

I resent her for other reasons also, but try not to let that get in the way of liking her, becasue I do like her - just don't want to be in this position.
Thankyou very much for all the ideas,
Muppetgirl that was a really good post.

I will formulate a plan. Thanks everyone

OP posts:

compo · 15/03/2010 20:18

Once in yr 1 we just leave them
the playground is supervised
only in reception we had to take them to their class
so it shouldn't be a problem for much longer

Original poster

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 20:21

hope not compo, you are probably right...ds won'tlet me leave first, but some of the children do wait on their own. Their parents don't all ask someone else to keep an eye, they just leave them knowing they'll be oK without them - I wish she would make her mind up whether he is ready to be left or not.

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Original poster

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 20:26

Feck, just realised her ds2 and mine are also going to be int he same class.

Time to move schools i think!

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thisisyesterday · 15/03/2010 20:30

separate issue i know, but could you not use a pushchair for your toddler? that would take some of the stress off you!
i have to keep ds2 in the pushchair as he is the same, running off all over the place

muppetgirl · 15/03/2010 20:32

I agree thisyesterday.
Give ds a choice 'you can either sit in the pushchair or stay off the equipment as the headteacher (man in charge of the school) doesn't like children in it early in the morning'

upahill · 15/03/2010 20:35

Why do you have to stop at school til the last minute? I used to want to do that with mine but they got iritated with me hanging their (So did their mates with their mothers) They just want to bomb round for a bit before lessons.

If I was you and say 'sorry I'm going now as well' and leave everyone to it!

Original poster

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 20:35

Have tried all of that, but often we take the car so I carry ds2 or he walks (he is nearly 3 and hates being strapped in)

If we do walk to school we will usually have a lot of tears and struggles along the way about walking, though he has zero road sense so it is usually a compromise.

Once we get to school it isn't usual to be able to keep him in the buggy without a lot of upset, as he needs the running about thing, it feels cruel to insist on staying put - I hope this is a short phase, it is terrible!

OP posts:

Original poster

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 20:39

upahill - the few times I have left ds1 before the bell, he has cried and once tried to follow me out of the gate.

He has separation anxiety. Which is a shame...

OP posts:

mazzystartled · 15/03/2010 20:42

I sympathise with her, but her position is what Breakfast Clubs are set up for.

I think you should just make a point of varying your routine a bit if you really don't feel able to say no to her.

In fact I'd just say to her something like how sorry you are but the fact that your DS had an accident last week has made it clear to you that you can't really do an adequate job of supervising her son as well as your own. Lay it on a bit thick.

A simultaneous word with school might prompt them to put something in the newsletter re leaving children before X time.

Original poster

sausagepastie · 15/03/2010 20:57

Good plan Mazzy - thankyou very much.

I will try both!

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