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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

The 'Naughty child' in the class.

33 replies

Lucy88 · 10/03/2010 13:37

My DS started reception last September and has settled well. He can be quite shy and sometimes lacks confidence, but as I say, he has settled well.

I have a concern about 1 boy in his class who is a nightmare. He is always in trouble, doesn't listen to the teachers, sometimes hits the other kids, is rude and a general attention seeker.

For some reason he has taken a liking to my son, but I am trying to discourage this friendship, as I don't want my son to be influenced by the other lads bad behaviour.My son knows this lad is badky behaved, as he comes homes and tells me and I have witnessed his behaviour.

The teachers reguarly speak to this boys father, but I am not sure his behaviour has improved.

Has anyone else had this experience and how did you go about discouraging your child from being close friends with the 'naughty' child or did you just let them get on with it.

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littledawley · 10/03/2010 13:39

It is possible that the 'naughty' boy has underlying issues and that the teacher is please that he has formed a friendship with your son. Try not to be too quick to judge - you cannot stop them being friends at school and you don't have to see him at home.

littledawley · 10/03/2010 13:40

pleased

Also, the more you tell your son not to play, the more he will want to. Just let it run it's course.

ouchitreallyhurts · 10/03/2010 14:16

have to agree with littledawley.similar situation at a friends children's school, turned out the 'naughty' boy had been to hell and back (at a very young age) and was now in a supportive family. with the right help at home and school he is now thriving. please give this little boy a chance too x

notnowbernard · 10/03/2010 14:19

Ha ha ha

I don't think you have any chance of manipulating your son's friendships (nor should you)

It's only Reception

Describing a 4 or 5 yr old as a "rude attention seeker" a little off IMHO

GypsyMoth · 10/03/2010 14:19

fast forward to year 9,age 13....and my dd has the class bad boy as her boyfriend!!

lovely lad but just not academic!!

i dont think you should get too involved,kids are good at doing what they want anyway. but just reinforce to your ds that his friends behaviour is unacceptable,and you want want him copying

GypsyMoth · 10/03/2010 14:20

lol....DONT want him copying!!

JollyPirate · 10/03/2010 14:24

Don't worry Lucy - they are still young and still forming friendships. Your DD's friends now may not be the same ones she has in three years time IYSWIM.

My son who is 7 has several friends but only one with whom he was really pally in Reception.

As for the naughty thing... yes he could have some underlying issues. My DS could be deemed "naughty" but is actually under investigation for a form of autism - as such some noises distress him and being pushed by other children makes him defensive. He has been known to hide under tables and even leave the classroom when the senses are too overwhelmed (thankfully this is occurring less and less as he is maturing).

So - no - let her be and wait for it to die a death. In three years or so she won't want to know him as her girl friends will assume all importance.

GooseyLoosey · 10/03/2010 14:24

Can I offer a perspective from the other side. My son was the loud boy in reception and certainly labelled the naughty boy in the class. As a family this has been immensely difficult for us all. We have worked hard with ds and have been in regular contact with the school.

He has few friends and never gets invited to parties. This is heartbreaking for him and us. Last year, the parents of his best friend asked the school if they could distance ds from her son. I felt like my world had collapsed and it rocked ds to his soul.

He is in many ways an attention seeker I suppose. He is clever and likes other people to know it. However, I wish other parents would take a minute to see him for the child he is and the huge effort that is made on his part at school. My ds's faults are obvious but he does not have more than their children. Sadly he and I are the only ones who get reminded of their short commings on a daily basis.

Actually I completely get where you are coming frm, but I thought it might help to see the other side.

JollyPirate · 10/03/2010 14:25

Oh bugger - thought you had said "DD" not "DS".

So - okay - they may still be pals then or not. As I said - my DS only remains really friendly with one child who was important in Reception.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 10/03/2010 14:26

I'm with the give-him-a-chance brigade. At this age, his friendship with your son is more likely to be beneficial to him than it is to be detrimental to your ds, I think.

dd1 is 6, and was coming home from school every day, rolling her eyes and telling me what the naughty boy in her class had done now. Then one day she came home all sombre and told me that they were discussing things their mums did for them, and that "Mum, X's mum doesn't do anything for him. He says she doesn't even tuck him in- his auntie sometimes does. And she doesn't wash his clothes or cook for him either." "Mum, do you think that is why he is so naughty? Cos he's sad?" I was welling up, and just about managed "Could be" She thought about it for a minute, then said, "I'm going to be nicer to X. Do you think he'd like to be my friend?" (I'm sure he won't but it does just goes to show that even young kids can be very perceptive about these things!)

alardi · 10/03/2010 14:26

Nice posts 3 BlondeBoys & Goosey .

Rolf · 10/03/2010 14:28

A couple of years ago I could have posted something like this. Fast forward to my DC3 being the Naughty Child, and I'm grateful to her teacher for being so professional, helpful, constructive and discreet about it, and for respecting our privacy and my fear of DC3 being labelled the Naughty Child for the rest of her school career.

And I hope that the other parents will understand that lots of children in reception are young for the year, immature, have trouble settling and will with a bit of extra help be able to tick all of the boxes that your child obviously ticks with ease.

theITgirl · 10/03/2010 14:31

Try not to judge the 'bad boy' too much. DS (Y4) is friends and has been for years, with one of the 'bad boys' in his class. But 'bad boy' is actually very nice, very very lively, protective of his friends, is not a bully and very good at looking after/helping younger siblings and friends younger siblings

SarahMumtoAlex · 10/03/2010 15:36

We had a similar situation for DS in preschool and indeed he did start copying the 'naughty' behaviour. Quite selfconciously too - 'I wan't to just play with X and be naughty' We thought about trying to seperate them and talked to his keyworker who gave the advice you've had here.

Instead of focussing on the other boy we've focussed on DS and used this as a time for talking about holding on to his own judgement and indepence in friendship. There's no problem with him being friends with anyone, the problem only comes from his own behaviour - which should always be in his control.

In many ways its been a great opportunity for us (the 'naughty' behaviour has stopped btw and he gets praise at school and home for independent choices, and now that we've calmed down we like the other boy more too)

oddgirl · 10/03/2010 17:44

Please please try not to be too judgemental of the naughty boy-my DS is exactly like GooseyLooseys (infact thanks GL for making me feel DS issues will get better as he matures!).DS probably looks very naughty at first glance but actually is struggling so hard to cope with the noise/bustle of a busy reception class that he easily melts down...we have extremely supportive class teacher but whenever I do the school run I feel like downing a bottle of gin to block oout the inevitable stares from other parents who are all secreltly thinking...well she clearly has no control over him...maybe just maybe this little boy is having some very big issues for a very little boy to deal with and having a friend (DS has no-one) is the best therapy in the world...I understand from your point of view how hard it is but your DS may be a fab influence...

coldtits · 10/03/2010 17:53

I'm not into socially ostracising four year olds for having poor social skills, Lucy88. I think it's an exceptionally cruel act to encourage in your own child, and paves the way for bullying.

Is that what you want your son to do when he walks into the class room? Announce "Mummy says I'm not allowed to play with you because you're naughty."

can you imagine being four years old and suddenly finding yourself in big school, in which you aren't coping well, and without the one friend you thought you had.

If you can't, you lack empathy. If you can and intend to encourage your son to be cruel anyway ... you don't deserve to be anywhere near a four year old.

Bumblingbovine · 10/03/2010 18:03

My ds is the "naughty" boy too. We have had 5 months of regular meetings with the school and the involvement of a behaviour specialist. The school have been absolutely fantastic and have put in a number of strategies that we have supported. We have worked very very hard at re-enforcing school messages at home. Putting in place sanctions (such as no TV) at home if he doesn't manage to meet the "modest" daily behaviour targets set for him each day in school (e.g no scratching/hitting others)

For us the behaviour was really only at school. At home he was genrally fine. He strugled (stll does) to cope with the school environmenty. Ds has parents who care and are trying hard to help him, I dread to think how bad he would have been if this were not the case.

Some children really struggle at school in the early years and need A LOT of help. Unfortunately a lot of them don't get this help and then a few years down the line it gets much harder to improve the situation. And believe me it is hard enough work even at this age.

We are now seeing a lot of improvement. As his teacher says, ds doesn't stand out nowadays from the other children behaviour wise like he used to. Though he still has bad days, they are generally nowhere near as bad as his best days were at the beginning of the year.

oddgirl · 10/03/2010 18:10

Thats great news bumblingbovine-sounds exactly the same as my DS-no behaviour problems at home-in fact very chilled and inherently quite a well behaved little boy (unlike DD!!!!). The school environment is just bloody hard for many children and just making it through the day without a major meltdown constitutes a "great" day in our book...completely far removed from other parents who are worrying what reading level their children are on...reading level? couldnt give a stuff...I just want the school to see the little boy I know and love

cory · 10/03/2010 18:27

My attitude is that my children are allowed to make whatever friends they want and that I will be welcoming to their friends- but they know that I will never accept a friend's influence as an excuse for bad behaviour on their part: any bad behaviour on the part of my children is their responsibility and I shall expect them to get it in the neck.

thecloudhopper · 10/03/2010 18:58

1 thing I would like to add is that throughout your childs life they are going to come across other children who have difficultes with behaviour I think it is important that they mix with all types of children so that they learn how to deal with different situations in life.

jellyhead · 10/03/2010 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notnowbernard · 10/03/2010 19:03

Agree very much with Cloudhopper also

LynetteScavo · 10/03/2010 19:04

I wouldn't discourage my child from playing with the "naughty" child, I just wouldn't invite them home for tea if I felt I couldn't cope with them.

notnowbernard · 10/03/2010 19:07

How do you "discourage" a 4-5yr old from playing with someone, anyway?!

legalalien · 10/03/2010 19:15

Lucy, I recently had a similar issue where the "naughty" - I suspect that "troubled" is a better word - decided that my DS was his best friend. DS also shy and was terrified of the boy - whose "friendship" consisted largely of swearing at DS and hitting him. I let it run for a reasonable time on the basis that the other boy ought to be given a chance - it ended up with DS being terrified of going to school, regularly crying and scared that the boy would hurt him etc..... in the end I (guiltily) had a word with the teachers and they have encouraged the boy in question to play with lots of different people rather than focussing on DS. It has helped DS a lot and (anecdotally and based on my impressions) helped the other boy as well.

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