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Original poster

question about private schools' attitudes to unmarried parents...

53 replies

WreckOfTheHesperus · 21/01/2010 11:40

A lot of the private schools near us seem to have a vaguely CofE affiliation - does anyone know if your child will be discriminated against wrt getting a place if the parents aren't married?

I heard that some marked mothers down for wearing trousers , so am wondering if I ought to invest in some rings .

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MollieO · 21/01/2010 13:35

Gosh. Maybe that is why, having spent two hours having a meeting with the head at one school, they told me there was a very long waiting list and ds was unlikely to get a place until year 3 (was looking for reception). I wore jeans .

Also wore jeans at the school ds was accepted at and I'm a floosy single mother.

I do remember a time though when a colleague was sent home from the office for wearing a trouser suit .

stealthsquiggle · 21/01/2010 13:36

But [devil's advocate] 'MWT' in terms of dominance, not dress code, is a valid observation for a school registrar to make, if not a deciding criteria for offering the child a place or not.

I know most teachers/heads say they can tell a lot more about a child and their likely future in the school from meeting the parents than from the (4-5yo) child.

(and yes, of course, you should be assessing the school at least as much more than they should be assessing you)

Lizcat · 21/01/2010 13:38

DD's school is just glad when I arrive not covered in cow muck (I'm a large animal vet). If they took against trousers particularly jeans I don't think there would be a child at the school.
Our headmaster actively encourages working mothers by offering free care from 4 to 6pm each night. He always says he wants the girls to grow up seeing well educated women achieving their full potential.
So not all private schools are stuck in the 1950s so of them are even in the 21st Century.
As for whether you are married or not they don't care and the school is ex C of E convent.

dilemma456 · 21/01/2010 21:19

Message withdrawn

seeker · 22/01/2010 00:01

And you want your child to go to this school exactly why?

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 22/01/2010 00:05

The tosspot head that took over one of ds's schools was a religious fanatic, he took an instant dislike to ds and I, he recommended I remove ds and place him in a boarding school with a "strong male housemaster" to keep ds in line. I'm a single mum by the way. I moved ds somewhere else.

mrsshackleton · 22/01/2010 10:00

squeaver, which is the school where mothers can't wear jeans? that is hilarious

I did go to one open day for a prestigious prep school and all the mums were in floaty silk diane von furstenberg and six inch wedge sandals. 'twas hysterical

Original poster
WreckOfTheHesperus · 22/01/2010 10:18

Can I just stress that I definitely don't want DD to go to a completely nut-nut time-warp, Victorian school where I would have to simper in a bustle everytime we shipped up.

The question was more a general one around whether vaguely CofE schools were likely to be bothered about DP and I not being married - if so, we would look elsewhere.

OP posts:
ChazsBarmyArmy · 22/01/2010 10:47

DH and I have different names as do a number of other parents so there is no way of being sure who is married and who is not. If they had an issue about women in trousers then there wouldn't be many kids in the school and some of the teachers would have to be sent home!

Tryharder · 22/01/2010 11:17

I live in a town with a prestigious, much sought after C of E state school and I have heard various horror stories about the interview process. The general consensus is that if are unmarried, are a mother working out of home, do not attend church, are not active on various do gooding committees/charities, then don't bother your arse applying.

Nice to see our classless society in full operation

Original poster
WreckOfTheHesperus · 22/01/2010 12:40

That's kind of what I was afraid of, Tryharder, as I understand that the schools in our area are oversubscribed anyway.

From most of the responses here, it sounds like not being married shouldn't be an issue - but I guess you never know what your particular area is like.

I am also a WOHM - hope this will not be held against me? Also, I would rather hope, for DD's sake, that she could go to a school where she wasn't the only one with a WOHM who wasn't able to attend stuff during the day.

OP posts:
domesticextremist · 22/01/2010 14:10

WOHM are very much in evidence at prep schools Wreck as they often are the only places with wraparound/holiday care/free after school clubs.

pagwatch · 22/01/2010 14:14

It is about 50-50 WOHM and SAHM in my DCs schools

IcedBum · 22/01/2010 14:24

I have never heard of this kind of discrimination at a private school or any other kind. So long as you pay the bill, make sure their uniform is ironed, get them to and from school on time, and supervise homework, they have no interest in your personal life.

I must say it never occurred to me that they might judge me on what I wore but if you ask me the MWT thing sounds like nonsense.

IcedBum · 22/01/2010 14:25

LOL why would being a WOHM be held against you? Life is not an episode of Mad Men you know .

TotalChaos · 22/01/2010 16:18

back in the day when I was 11, I applied to go to 4 or 5 private schools (under asssisted places scheme). noone turned a hair that I was the child of a skint single mother, got offered places at all, they only really were bothered about the academic side.

seeker · 22/01/2010 18:40

"WOHM are very much in evidence at prep schools Wreck as they often are the only places with wraparound/holiday care/free after school clubs."

After school clubs aren't free at prep schools - you pay for them in your fees. Just like you pay for everything. That's fine - but it does make me cross when people say what good value private schools are because you get free sports clubs. You DON"T!

seeker · 22/01/2010 18:40

Oh and our state primary has care from 8-6. Lots of state schools do.

Angeliz · 22/01/2010 18:44

marked down? by who? for what? do they have a list of top ten good little parents?
How queer!

I am now married but lived in sin for years and my children are at a Private School, C of E and as far as i know they aren't judgemental. Infact i still get letters from them in my maiden name as i've been too lazy to chnage my name yet!

domesticextremist · 22/01/2010 19:17

Alright Seeker point taken, but only half of state schools round here have wraparound care.

Should I just say instead then that parents value the extended school day - 8.25 until 4 and thats its also good to have all the extra stuff on site so theres less ferrying about after school which presumably childminders would have to do for you otherwise.

MmeBlueberry · 23/01/2010 11:09

I doubt that it makes any difference at all, wreck. I don't think the forms actually ask, and given that some women keep their maiden name, there is really no way of knowing unless you volunteer the information.

But at the end of the day, they are only interested in your child.

MmeBlueberry · 23/01/2010 11:18

I would say that most fee-paying mums work. They have to work to pay the fees.

The non-working mums can run the Parents' Association and do all the hard work that no one else wants to do.

It usually works out well.

It's really important not to listen to drivel about private schools. The 'horror stories' are usually put out by people who are on the outside.

There are lots of good things that go on in independent schools that you probably never hear about, like people saying 'good morning' to one another, and picking up something that someone else has dropped, or holding doors open. Amazing.

pagwatch · 23/01/2010 11:27

That is true Mmme.
I was out once with a mum ( we have DDs aged 5 at the time) who was telling me all thses horror stories about a local senior independent boys school.
It was full of lurid tales of weeping hot housed boys, and weird uniform regulations and endless blackmailing tactics by the school to get extra revenue etc etc

She didn't know my 15 years old son had been at that school for 4 years.

The more i went the more the tales became exagerated. I didn't admit until we left...

seeker · 23/01/2010 18:50

"There are lots of good things that go on in independent schools that you probably never hear about, like people saying 'good morning' to one another, and picking up something that someone else has dropped, or holding doors open. Amazing."

I know it will come as a shock to you, but this sort of bizarre behaviour happens in State schools too! Good manners are not reserved for the 7% of the school population that attends independent schools, you know! Even some quite common people say "good morning"!

BoffinMum · 23/01/2010 19:00

At DD's first boarding school, the invitation to the first speech day invited us to "Dress as for Ascot, but without hats".

DH and I got bored of listening to the screechy orchestra in the hot marquee, bored of them reading out some fairly indifferent GCSE results for what was a selective school, and bored of interminable speeches about inconsequential matters. So we skived off and went to the play area over the other side of the main gardens and found a load of people in jeans puffing on fags pushing the younger half-siblings of their DDs on the swings. Soooooo refreshing!

Suffice it to say we pulled DD out of that silly, silly school.