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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Do you think "loud children" are a bad influence?

27 replies

GooseyLoosey · 18/01/2010 08:43

I have read several threads recently where primary parents say that they do not like the friends of their dcs are they are "loud" and a bad influence on their children.

Of course this is sometime true but I get the feeling that this is a general impression irrespective of what the child is actually like.

Would you as a parent prefer that your child kept away from loud, mouthy children and if so why? Would you prefer them to be friends with quiet and shy children?

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nickschick · 18/01/2010 08:49

My ds1 was a shy child he was a bit of a loner and rarely went anywhere unless it involved friends of 'ours'.

Ds2 is by my own admission loud mad daft and boyish- thers no party hes not been invited too and no home hes not been welcomed in- either we have just been lucky orwhere I come from loud children are best .

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/01/2010 08:59

I rather like loud children myself. However, I definitely detect a sense that some parents would prefer that their children keep away from the loud, boisterous child and I was wondering why and how they perceive such children.

One thread I read said that the loud child was teaching the quiet child to say "bad things". This may be quite true in this case, but IME the "loud child" often hears such things from other children but then is the one who repeats them loud enough for adults to hear.

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piscesmoon · 18/01/2010 08:59

I think that they should choose their own friends and work it all out for themselves. If they have 'loud, mouthy friends' that is what suits them! I believe in freedom of choice, but bringing them up to be their own person who isn't influenced by others and who doesn't have to follow the crowd.If you censor the friends in the first place they don't learn the latter. My mother doesn't like all my friends now-I don't like all her friends either!

LilyBolero · 18/01/2010 09:00

Depends on the child. SOme of the kids my ds1 is friends with are loud but sweet, some just make him behave really badly (not blaming them, but that's the effect), so I would say they are a bad influence, though the fault is with ds1 for being led iyswim.

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/01/2010 09:05

Pisces - very sensible outlook.

Lily - why do you think that some children have that effect? I actually agree with you, but can't pin down why it happens.

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cory · 18/01/2010 09:06

If ds behaves badly, it wouldn't occur to me to blame his little friends. Free will and all that.

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/01/2010 09:11

But many parents do Cory - I have heard them. Their child has been led into bad ways by a loud noticeable child. Their child would be doing really well at school were it not for a loud child distracting them etc.

Is no one going to own up to not really liking loud children? I don't want a fight - just to chat about how you see them.

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gramercy · 18/01/2010 09:43

There is loud and loud. Dd has a very loud friend - but she is hilarious and actually a good influence on dd who has come out of her shell a bit by teaming up with this child. But there is loud obnoxious, and I suppose I wouldn't be very happy if either of the dcs had a friend who shouted others down, didn't listen etc - and I especially would double groan when having to have such a child to tea.

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/01/2010 10:09

I can see the "shouting down" would be an issue. What would make you groan when they were invited round?

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camaleon · 18/01/2010 10:11

several issues involved here I guess:
Is loud bad by itself? It seems appreciated to be soft spoken and loud is usually perceived as link to bad behaviour or other non desirable feaatures: insecurity, illiteracy, 'low' social class, etc.
Softer you speak more you demonstrate 'restrain' and control over yourself and awareness of the perception of others.

Are these real virtues or just socially learnt virtues? Not sure about it.

Your child and other loud kids: if your child belongs to the category of soft-spoken (very much perceived as well-behaved) then you may not like it for very different reasons, not all of them loable (my opinion)

In general I believe that the friends you like the least are those your child is more likely to learn a lot from. They provide things you will not provide them, because you do not like them. A difficult topic I guess

GypsyMoth · 18/01/2010 10:22

does 'loud' equal 'confident'?

my dd who is now 13 has always been louder than others. i have 5 dc,yet she's the one i can rely on. i find other parents do too now they are getting older. if the group go into town or cinema etc,its always my dd who is asked to keep an eye out,or to make sure the others call home etc etc...

it was ice at first,but i think if ever anything goes wrong,then it will be my dd who is blamed!

i also find other parents let their kids do the stuff my dd does...like they use us of a measure of whats appropriate now they are getting older...for example,ever since my dd has been going into town on a saturday,her friends have started doing it now too.

being louder can end up a bit of a responsibility!

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/01/2010 10:29

I think loud does equate to confident and I wonder if it also equates in some poples' minds to overbearing. I can see why this would be seen as a problem but I wonder how often it is actually a real issue.

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weegiemum · 18/01/2010 10:33

My ds is a (very!!) loud, confident boy.

He is also the only child in his class who has been confident and friendly enough to make good friends with the boy with Aspergers.

So I love his loud confidence - and so does his friend as they spent Sat afternoon playing on the Wii and then yelling in the pool.

I think that as a society we are too bound up in "quiet = good"

My loud boy is LOUD, but I love him for it!

GypsyMoth · 18/01/2010 10:38

weegiemum....i had a thread about myy (loud)dd. she befriended a sn girl when the whole of her year group ignored and excluded this girl. was proud of her for that...

hannahsaunt · 18/01/2010 10:41

I have loud, confident, exuberant, boisterous boys who are tempered by quieter friends and they appear normally sensitive and friendly - they are generally able to adapt to surroundings and behave appropriately e.g. at the houses of others. I do worry sometimes but would rely on others to tell me honestly if they were a problem. OTOH they do have 2 friends (siblings) who are absolute heartsink children because they are loud but rude and careless and damage things and talk back but tbh I don't have the nerve to speak to their mum about it (not least because they behave like that in their own home and around her and she lets it wash over her).

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/01/2010 10:49

Weegie - I do agree that generally we equate quiet with good and loud with out of control. Such a shame as I think we stop some children from making a valuable contribution as a result.

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tartyhighheels · 18/01/2010 11:02

My Oldest girl is a bit loud and outgoing. She also deals with a serious health problem which she does with immense courage. She moved school recently to a bigger school and has befriended an entire Polish family. These kids, relative to their peers are really innocent a bit socially awkward I guess, their Mother doesn't even speak English and they always look a bit scruffy, mainly because they are such a large family. That said, they are just such wonderful children, so polite, church goers and incredibly generous even though they have very little. They come for tea (3 at a time) once a week and they are a delight.

This happened at her last school, I think sometimes she feels a bit excluded because shes a bit loud and people have a perception of her that, if they don't know her personally is not always positive. Because of this she has always befriended the underdogs, the kids with SN and has an amazing sense of empathy. We have ended up with some completely delightful children in our lives and their families but I am sure that without her being who she is we would be without them. I am very proud of her.

TheProvincialLady · 18/01/2010 11:03

I am the mother of a quiet, well behaved, thoughtful little chap aged 3. One of his friends, the DD of a friend of mine, is very loud and boistrous. I confess I find it pretty irritating at times but she is a lovely little girl. Looking at the two of them together it can appear that my DS is the 'good' one because he finds sitting still and listening etc easy, but socially I suspect my friend's DD will be more successful at school.

If I didn't know this little girl I might be tempted to think that her loudness was naughtiness but thankfully I know better now.....especially since I have a 13m DS2 who shows all the signs of being the complete opposite to his brother

camaleon · 18/01/2010 11:16

Any handbook on 'emotional intelligence' will tell you that loud does not equate confindent. Almost the opposite. You shout when you feel you need to or you will not be listened to.... It requires a great amount of confidence to be quiet most of the times. It is not only those who are shy who are quiet...

I still like loud...is it very obvious I am pretty loud myself? ... and not at all confindent (although people think I am)

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/01/2010 11:29

Thanks ProvincialLady - I think your response is very common. Do you know why your initial response is to find the child irritating and assume naughtiness?

That's interesting camaleon. I would certainly agree that many of the loud children I know (including dc) lack a degree of emotional intelligence that their quieter counter-parts (like dd) have.

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Acinonyx · 18/01/2010 11:54

Dd has a couple of friends who are moderately loud. Dd is the quietest, non-naughty child on the planet. Sometimes, with one of these other friends, I will see her running around screaming and shouting. The other parent usually rolls their eyes and moves to reign in their louder child - but it warms my heart to see dd loosen up and let go a bit.

TheProvincialLady · 18/01/2010 11:55

I think it is because I am a quiet, thoughtful sort of person myself and I don't like a lot of noise around me. Also I was brought up by an absurdly strict Victorian type father who took 'children should be seen and not heard' to a ridiculous degree...no talking at the dinner table, no talkng in the car, while tv was on or pretty much any time in his presence really. So my default setting is silence and my tolerance level is low - and it has shocked me how much I took on board his stupid attitude.

I think that there is an element of envy in it too. I equate noisy children with confidenc etc (which as someone below pointed out is not necessarily the case) and that makes me feel inadequate sometimes, and worry about DS1.

Thanks for the therapy

stealthsquiggle · 18/01/2010 12:01

DC (mine or others) screaming and shouting really winds me up, so I suspect I sit on it harder than I really should - DS is a bit too contained, so I think in principle that some running around being silly (in the right environment) is good for him, but I would prefer it to be out of my sight/hearing

pantomimecow · 18/01/2010 12:15

What do you mean by 'loud and mouthy' ?
Could mean Loud as in many decibels ,opinionated, never gives anyone else the chance to speak , cheeky , screaming and shouting ?
Loudness in its time and place I think is fine !

Original poster

GooseyLoosey · 18/01/2010 14:01

pantomimecow - I think I mean louder than would be acceptable in an adult and who maybe can "talk down" his peers. I do not mean a child who is rude and doesn't listen to adults or who never gives anyone else a chance to speak.

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