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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DS hates school so much.

43 replies

ChocolateFace · 26/11/2009 20:58

He's so unhappy, I think it's at the point where sending him is doing more harm than good. He's 10 (Y6).
Mu mummy instinct tells me to stop sening him somwhere that is damaging him so much. Home ed isn't an option, as he is already has a better understanding of maths and sicence than me.

I think the main problem is his class teacher, rather than the school it'self.

I don't have a question as such, but the (very experienced)head, class teacher, TA, and depty head, DH and I are all at a loss as what to do.

They all agree they have never taught a child like DS before.

Seeing his sadness is breaking mine and DH's hearts.

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FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire · 26/11/2009 21:00

Why have they never taught a child like your ds before?

thisisyesterday · 26/11/2009 21:01

if the problem is his class teacher then move school?

does he say why he is unhappy?

personally, if it were me, i would take him out. how is your husband with maths and science?

bigchris · 26/11/2009 21:03

i thnk we need more info tbh

PixieOnaLeaf · 26/11/2009 21:08

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Original poster

ChocolateFace · 26/11/2009 21:09

We can't move school...we moved him from another school at the begining of Y4...he was much happier. He started off the year really well, very enthisiastic to do homework etc.

He's slowly gone down hill and won't work in class, can be disruptive, and is just generally very sad and angry.

I think they haven't taught a child like him before because they are primary teachers, and he is behaving like terrible teenager. (Very smart at answering back, kicking chairs acroos the classroom etc.)

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thisisyesterday · 26/11/2009 21:10

i would take him out then. could you afford a tutor for maths/science?

Original poster

ChocolateFace · 26/11/2009 21:13

When I say he's bright..there are a couple of chilren in the class more able than him. His maths group are taken out with extra teacher for maths three times a week, but he's not genious.

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nickschick · 26/11/2009 21:13

The thing is and please dont misunderstand me (I am far from normal and accepting I do home ed my youngest)is that in real life there are people we dont/wont/cant get on with,theres always a clever child in the class theres always a 'different' child- it takes all sorts to make a world ,a child that is advanced educationally may lack social skills or coping strategies to deal with other people.

Year 6 if i recall is a big fish little pond year and so it may be better to have your son in the same school but aquiring different skills,rather than a swift change now and another in Sept.

I think unless theres more to it you need to just accept this hard last year and look forward to September and a fresh new start.

PixieOnaLeaf · 26/11/2009 21:14

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Juillet · 26/11/2009 21:15

Taking him out may not be the answer if you are just going to stick him back into another school. He evidently needs some proper help and there are specialised teachers who work with kids who find school difficult - i know one - he is funded afaik, you might find someone like that.

I think moving schools is sticking a band aid over a deeper wound from what you are describing.

FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire · 26/11/2009 21:16

I wouldn't take him out just yet,it'll be teaching him that he'll be rewarded for this behaviour so he'll just take it with him. You need to address why he's behaving this way. Is he bored/does not respect his teacher etc? Did he behave like this in his last school?
To be blunt, he needs to learn that this behaviour is not acceptable. Does his current teacher lay down the law with him? Is this why he's unhappy?

Original poster

ChocolateFace · 26/11/2009 21:18

There is space (I think) in the parallel class,and I think he would be happier there. (DS says he wouldn't) but I'm not sure the school would agree to move him, as there are already a couple of very disruptive boys in that class.

I don't want to take him out because the school are now going to put in place things to help him cope in High school. (Although they haven't decided quite what yet. ) If i hear "He won't survive at High School" one more time I will scream.

Private not an option, and tutor would be financially difficult. (It would be at the expense of other DC's and I'm determined they are not going to be affected by this.)

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FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire · 26/11/2009 21:20

Hold on a min ChocolateFace.

What's the relationship with his teacher like? Why does he not like her/him? We need some info if you want us to help you.

MollieO · 26/11/2009 21:22

Has he seen an EP? If so what have they said about his behaviour? If not then I would get the school to refer.

LauraIngallsWilder · 26/11/2009 21:23

Hi chocolate - I withdrew ds and dd from school at the beginning of this term.

DS was about to start year 3 - prior to that he was miserable at school for 3 years

He easily has more capacity than me to learn in most subjects - either because his memory is amazing or because he has the potential to be better than me at the subject. ie I know more about maths than he does atm but he definately will be better than me soon (I bet that paragraph doesnt make sense!)

Dont assume your own lack of knowledge will be a problem - its more your own general confidence in your kids ability that you need. THey will learn for themselves if you provide the right opportunities

DS is definately a much much happier child now than he was just a few months ago - he used to talk about murder, arson and suicide every day.
Even now if the word 'school' is mentioned he starts ranting and raving.
The words 'home education' means he does a manic dance of happiness

We go to the library most weeks and bring home 20 books for ds and dd - thank goodness that libraries are free

Juillet · 26/11/2009 21:25

Yes you are not explaining anything properly.

Why is he unhappy

when did he start to be unhappy

has something happened to trigger all this

has he seen an educational psychologist yet

does he have learning problems or diagnosis of anything

that kind of stuff. Can't really advise otherwise.

Original poster

ChocolateFace · 26/11/2009 21:38

Well, the teacher is quite firm in her manner, and appears to be organised/structured which I would normally think was a good thing for DS, but she doesn't seem to have a soft side, so can come across as quite harsh at times. She refuses to get wound up by DS, never raises her voice to him,and ignores his bad behaviour as much as possible, but DH suspects it's at a point now where she is avoiding interacting with him, unless she really has to, and tBH, I wouldn't balme her. She does recognise he needs structure and he can't really cope with lessons like art and music, as they are just too unstructured for him (Although he's quite good at both, and really enjoys his keyboard lessons, drawing at home, etc.)
nickschick - you are spot on.

He's nervous of almost everything, but puts on such bravado inorder to cope that he's gaining a reputation of being hard..the kid who walks out of class whenever he like, and ignores the teachers demand that he return, etc. Boys from his class will point to him when they see him in the park/library etc and say "Thats ChocolateFaceDS" to their parents/sibling with a sense of awe. The parents look wary, and check me out, obviously suprised that I'm not swigging a can of larger, smoking B&H with tatoos all over my face. (Sorry to any prefectly nice parents who swig larger, smoke B&H and have tatoos on thier face.)

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MollieO · 26/11/2009 21:41

Has he been assessed by an Ed Psych, seen the SENCO?

Original poster

ChocolateFace · 26/11/2009 21:49

Yes you are not explaining anything properly.

Why is he unhappy - I don't know!!! He doesnt' know, or can't/won't tell us.

when did he start to be unhappy. - He started being unhappy in Y2, got worse in Y£ (School refused for most of one term - moved schools and has mostly been very happy for the last 2 years untill the end of Sept)

has something happened to trigger all this - N idea.

has he seen an educational psychologist yet - yes...Aspergers ruled out. Private ed psych diagnosed generalised Anxiety disorder, but we couldn't afford more than teh diagnosis, so "Congetive Therapy which was recomened was never followed up)

does he have learning problems or diagnosis of anything - No, perfectly normal, reached all milestones early.

GP refered him to CAHMS wehn he was school refusing. ed psych there refered him to Anger Management (At the time he was being very distructive..kicking in glass in front door) The anger management suprisingly seemed to work, but at teh moment he is taking his frustration out in a conrolled mannor on things like his glasses. He got new, really nice glasses last week, and smapped them into very tiny pieces this morning before school. He knows he needs to wear glasses and is now happily wearing his spare pair.

His teacher has said she feels he is coming close to self harming, and I would agree, as he was self harming 2 1/2 years ago when he was very unahppy at his old school.

He refused to go to school last Thursday, so I wnet to the GP on Monday, who wouldn't refere him to CAHMS as we are coping fine with him at home.

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Original poster

ChocolateFace · 26/11/2009 21:52

Sorry - I copied and pasted.

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MollieO · 26/11/2009 21:55

If you are already seeing an EP why don't you arrange an appointment with them to discuss the latest behaviour and see what they can suggest to resolve it?

thisisyesterday · 26/11/2009 21:57

chocolateface.
i don't want this to come across as accusatory or anything like that, or to make you feel bad. but we've had some problems with ds1 recently in school, i've had lots of great advice on here and from elsewhere.

I think my ds1 has some problems (sensory issues etc) , but I have also come to the conclusion that many of his behaviours are a direct result of things myself and dp do at home.

being totally honest with yourself, can you see and of your own or your husbands behaviour in your ds? (you don't have to answer that here, just think about it)

for instance, dp and I used to playfully poke/hit each other when the other one did something stupid. It wasn't anything major, but I have realised that actually, to ds... that's what you do to people when they've annoyed you or done something you don't like
we've also had some rough times relationship-wise recently and arguments were spilling over into time spent with the kids which had an awful effect on ds1's behaviour

kids pick up on all sorts of things.

thisisyesterday · 26/11/2009 21:59

i would also ask you...

what do YOU, in your heart, feel would be best for him?
it doesn't matter what we or his teachers think really. you know him and you know where he will be happiest

if you think that home educating would benefit him and make him happy then i think you should seriously consider it. there are ways of getting round your own lack of understanding in certain subjects

if you think he needs to be in school then you owe it to him to find him one that can support him and where he can be happy.

Original poster

ChocolateFace · 26/11/2009 22:08

Yes, DS does have sensory issues, which I can work around at home, but every one realises they will be a big problem for him in High School, which is why we need to put a plan ito place for now, but it doesn't explain why he refused to actually write anything during an English lesson.

DH and I had a talk today,a dn ealised we need to have everything in the house very orderly, as me rushing around in the moring truying to find trying to find a pair of school tights for DD and my hairbrush, and shouting at DS2 for swimging on the curtains (not a real senario, but you get the idea) isn't helpfull.

Honestly, though, apart from me being a bit shouty when stressed (read late for school and work)and DD being whingy when tired, we are very,very happy and normal.

DS has inherited both his gradfathers tempers though...both could be grumpy old gits.

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Original poster

ChocolateFace · 26/11/2009 22:12

DH is never shouty, he is very, very calm, it's only me.

I'm off to bed now, but have found letting all this out quite thraputic, so thankyou for indulging me...... Will read anymore repsonses in the morning....

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