Help please - what I should expect from my Primary School.

[Magsmogs]

Hi Everyone
I could really do with some advice because I dont think I am handling my childs Primary School very well - Im starting to get to the point where I feel Im becoming a pest. I guess when it comes to our kids its easily done. Here goes it may be long but any opinions or advice (even if you tell me I am a pest) would be very much appreciated!!
Thanks in anticipation

My child told me that he was upset he was being moved the following day from his lunch seat - I asked why he said because another child was naughty - i asked if he was he said no. I went to school and said I wasnt happy my child was being moved as he hadnt done any thing wrong they said they would sort. I went to school as I was helping out in the afternoon I saw my son and asked if he was moved he said yes so I went to the office where I saw the acting head. I asked why my child was penalised she said that word was too harsh I said it was perfect she said my child had no problem I pointed out that he had complained 3 times the previous evening which had resulted in me going to school that morning - I repeated the question why was my child moved she said probably because he was sensible - I told her that was ridiculous so I should encourage my child to be more disruptive therefore he would not be penalised again - anyway the long & short(more long) we argued and got nowhere do you think I should take this further?

My childs primary school is very small and I live very close to school - I'd been out and was pulling up outside my house and noticed my child standing in the corner of the playground on his own - from my window I could see he spent 45 mins standing there (he couldnt see me). Anyway when I asked him later he said he no longer wanted to play football - but unfortunately by making this decision he had noone to play with ( I told you the school was small) - Im glad he has made that decision but it upsets me to see him twirling around the playground on his own because the girls are doing there thing and all the boys are playing football - since I made the school aware he has now been band from the corner!! I noticed he was allowed to play with the younger children inc his brother but the game was tig and theres an imaginary line they cannot cross so the game didnt last long. I dont expect the school to ban football or anything as thats not fair for the other boys but my child has no options - what should I suggest?

I suggest you chill out a bit.

Hi Sagacious
Thanks for that - maybe I'll give that a go..

Agree with Sagacious. Children have to find their own way in the playground, and hard as it may be, you have to just leave them to it.

With the lunch thing, I think you're making a big deal of nothing. Realistically, there are bigger issues that you may find yourself debating along the way with the head teacher, and imo this isn't one of them, so I'd certainly leave be. He's been moved around at lunchtime not moved out of the classroom. Choose your battles.

I think that you may be making mountains out of mole hills. I would take a few steps back, if he has real problems then I'm sure that he will let you know.

Thanks Moodlum - I guess I'm probably not getting the answers I wanted to hear - I think Im maybe a little overprotective of him - he has an educational psychologist visit him at school he finds alot of things about school upsetting and difficult although he's considered what school has termed gifted - I just guess and expect the school to maybe help him a little not add anymore pressure - thanks again

Unless he has been moved to a table on his own, I think the lunch seat is a bit of a non issue. If the school is that small the options for swapping children around are going to be limited, they have clearly had to sort some less well behaved children out, it might be unfortunate that your son has been moved but it's hardly earth shattering!
As to playing alone, have you asked about a friendship stop/bench, there might be another boy who doesn't like football either. If there isn't and he doesn't want to join in with everyone else, he will find he does spend time on his own. You can hardly stop another child from playing football, can you?

Hi Primarymum - Thanks for that I would never dream that other children should suffer because my child has made this decision - what I would personally expect is that children are given a choice of activities this isn't offered its either football or nothing - times when football has been banned for whatever reason the children make up their own games and often all the boys and girls play together - a frienship stop/bench sound like a great idea and just the reply I was hoping for - thanks again

He might not mind spending some time on his own, I sometimes walk past my DDs school when they are out for breaktime, and your description of children 'twirling around' on there own sounds familiar. They never look bothered though.

I agree that the lunch seat thing probably is a non-issue.
Could they have been trying to get him to mix with different children?

Hi BigStripey - Thanks for your reply - Im probably over reacting reading through the responses Ive had. Its nice to get other peoples view - I know my boy will be ok he doesnt feel lonely he just hates football its heartbreaking to see your child looking lonely but he'd rather be that than play the game, Im guessing its more in my head than his. He isnt a lonely child its just his friends would rather play footy than nothing which is the alternative, a couple of them have told me they hate it too but they still play it!! The lunch seat thing did annoy me as I pointed out in a later message my boy does have some issues with school and where he sat he loved it was probably one of the only things he looked forward to I just didnt want them to move him - if he had done something I would of said go for it - the school secretary did later say she would of reacted the same way as me - and the headteacher did say it hadnt been handled well in that no reason had been given to him why he had to move - but your sensible doesnt seem like a great message to have something you enjoyed taken away from you. Maybe after Fridays encounter its a good job for me she's leaving shortly!!

It's hard isn't it. My dd was moved 2 weeks ago to a higher table and she cried all day at school and all evening - teacher told her the other group was more suitable for her but that didn't make any sense to dd - it's hard to see your child upset and allow them to deal with it - you just want to run into the school and fix it - resisting that urge can feel like torture but I'm quite sure your not the first Mum to rush in and you won't be the last. Shame the Head wasn't more experienced and more able to reassure you that things were really OK for your DS and he was being properly cared for.

Thank you MrsGently you really are appropriately named Yes it is hard - Im not the only parent with issues at my school we as parents run things past each other all the time - another parent collared me about my child in the corner when I was at Tescos - she actually said she knew I would be aware but it broke her heart to watch him! The problem to me is if you dont say anything you just get really frustrated and thats worse Id rather address it immediately, we are just supposed to accept things but I need perspective which is why I guess I posted this message. thanks again.

Is there more to this?

I can't really understand why you would be so upset about moving seats. He didn't like it - but presumably not enough to cry/get very upset - etc etc. Sounds like your child was miffed but dealt with the situation well. Especially as like you say, he really like this chair. He didn't have a melt down or anything like that.

I am always proud of my kids when they are dealt an unfair hand but take it well. Its a fine balance - making sure they can stand up for themselves - but also that they can let things go. You little one told you about it - but then you went into the school and made it into a big issue.

You don't seem to trust the school.

Also, my son doesn't play football much. There is definitely a core of boys who bond hard and play footie together. The playground is boring for all the other kids. Could you check to see if the school have taught traditional playground games to the kids? Our school gets the older kids to show the younger kids the games they like. 'It' 'Stuck in the mud' 'Bug farming' etc. This might be an idea - maybe the school needs to invest in play equipment for those kids who don't play football. Something we have asked the school to do.

At least you get told what goes on. I have no idea, as DS always says ' don't know, can't remember, can I have a biscuit' when he gets home.

why does he not want to play football?

Thanks everyone for your replies - yes there is more he's very sensitive he didnt like it when he was shouted at when things went wrong. The two eldest boys tend to be on the same team & one day he was in goal with these two just firing at him - i had two months of i hate footy before he gave it up - so Im proud he did make the decision. Just had a little chat he's asked to take a book to read I hope they will let him we will see. Thanks again all.

There should be more available at break than football - but I can't believe he's the only child who doesn't like it. Maybe ask your teacher to ask the MSA (dinner lady) to keep an eye out for him. One thing our school did was a Friendship Bench - if you have no one to play with, you go there and the other children look out for you. It works really well - you could suggest something like that maybe?

It always works best if you're constructive - don't say "the school isn't doing X", say "Why doesn't the school try Y?". THe school will be much more responsive. You need a good relationship with them, and need to pick your battles. The lunch/bench/moving thing just isn't worth getting het up about.

If he's had an ed psych visit him at school are you in contact with the senco (special educational needs co-ordinator)?

You do sound quite anxious, and it might be really helpful for both of you for you to take a look at that, but I also think it will be easier to guage whether you're overanxious if you're feeling confident that any special needs, in the broadest sense of the phrase, thatr he might have are being properly addressed.

The school must give you a named senco, I think, and that might be a good initial point of call, rather than going to the head etc.

Ds1 went to a v small school and didn't like football; it can be a pain when there's such a small pool of kids to be friends with. They do tend to mix across ages more in that case.

This may be a bit harsh, but I would worry that taking a book in will make him less likely to play with the other kids. Is there anything else that he could take that might encourage interaction with the others?

I do have contact with the SENCO im seeing her in 2 weeks - i had to recall the ed psy in two weeks ago because he was an emotional wreck at school - home is fine but he sets his targets so high then gets upset when he doesnt achieve. I called him because he worries but in the night he got up saying he was worrying about worrying - what can you say? Its not worry its anxiety. The book thing yes i understand what you are saying but 9 boys play footy, 6 girls play dancing, 3 girls do their thing my boy does none of the above he is already isolated - they are not allowed across the imaginary line to play with the younger kids who i may add aren' t allowed to play footy they have free play I cant see how it could be worse atleast he will have somthing to do rather than stand like a plum!! He is finding it tough i guess im just after ideas which some of you have been so kind as to offer - thanks.

Mm, not sure I agree, tiger. I see what you mean, but it might be the time to completely support him in his interests, let him know he's great as he is, kind of thing.

All good to give him opps to socialise, but not at the risk of making him feel like he's getting it 'wrong' again, loke he needs fixing. Better to work on his inner strength, his sense of feeling his own value.

At my DDs school a lot of the boys have match attack cards, or those little plastic toys - gogos?
Is there something like that that might help him socialise?

The friendship bench sounds like a great idea and even if he was happy to pass his time with his book another child could come over and they might hav a chat and start their own game... Id def let him take his book since he thought of it. It is a bit crap only havin football as the activity... What used we do at school? I remember playing catch, rounders, 40-40, they wud give out houla hoops and skipping ropes and it was hurling played at my school instead of football (irish) but often we would jus walk around in pairs chattin... Its not nice being on your own at playtime and i do think it is the schools responsibility to try new things regardless if its a big or small school. And it is unfair they moved him from his seat im sure it did feel like being punished to him but you should be proud of him for handling it so well and try to encourage him to Make friends at his new table...

Pooh bears mum thanks for that - they do have other things at lunch time my son does play with them all the time but the footballs still there and all the boys and i mean all the boys play footy- he did take his pokemon cards and one playtime half were playing cards & half footy but it didnt last. These children are all his friends but he did get the courage to ask his friend not to play footy but he declined & now he doesnt want to ask anyone else because he didnt like the rejection. Any other time other than football he is very much involved i think it is now more about making him feel happy with his decision but not lonely about his decision. Also the table issue he was sat with his friends who play footy so he was socialising the table he was moved to was with younger kids who he knows he's had sleepover at some of there homes but he's not allowed to play with them. Thanks again everyone who's replied its great to have your imput.

For me its not fair he's not allowed to play with the younger kids he's friends with, when we were in sch everyone could play with eachother, and the little ones learned from the older dc's and when we were the 'big' it gave us some responsibility to teach the little ones games & look out for anyone on their own... its a small school so i dont see why they should Make such an issue of it when he is a nice boy they know he's not going to start bullying or something but instead they let him on his own... I hope he has a nicer day tomorrow with his book to enjoy at least

Morning mags i started a thread over in chat askin what ppl used to do at playtime and what their dcs do, thought we might get some ideas for you/your Ds and the sch... And there hav been a few great sorry i cant do a link thingy cause i use the internet on my mobile but hav a look over in chat, HTH