Help please - what I should expect from my Primary School.

[Magsmogs]

Hi Everyone
I could really do with some advice because I dont think I am handling my childs Primary School very well - Im starting to get to the point where I feel Im becoming a pest. I guess when it comes to our kids its easily done. Here goes it may be long but any opinions or advice (even if you tell me I am a pest) would be very much appreciated!!
Thanks in anticipation

My child told me that he was upset he was being moved the following day from his lunch seat - I asked why he said because another child was naughty - i asked if he was he said no. I went to school and said I wasnt happy my child was being moved as he hadnt done any thing wrong they said they would sort. I went to school as I was helping out in the afternoon I saw my son and asked if he was moved he said yes so I went to the office where I saw the acting head. I asked why my child was penalised she said that word was too harsh I said it was perfect she said my child had no problem I pointed out that he had complained 3 times the previous evening which had resulted in me going to school that morning - I repeated the question why was my child moved she said probably because he was sensible - I told her that was ridiculous so I should encourage my child to be more disruptive therefore he would not be penalised again - anyway the long & short(more long) we argued and got nowhere do you think I should take this further?

My childs primary school is very small and I live very close to school - I'd been out and was pulling up outside my house and noticed my child standing in the corner of the playground on his own - from my window I could see he spent 45 mins standing there (he couldnt see me). Anyway when I asked him later he said he no longer wanted to play football - but unfortunately by making this decision he had noone to play with ( I told you the school was small) - Im glad he has made that decision but it upsets me to see him twirling around the playground on his own because the girls are doing there thing and all the boys are playing football - since I made the school aware he has now been band from the corner!! I noticed he was allowed to play with the younger children inc his brother but the game was tig and theres an imaginary line they cannot cross so the game didnt last long. I dont expect the school to ban football or anything as thats not fair for the other boys but my child has no options - what should I suggest?

It's a balancing act isn't it? On the one hand, you want to make sure that your ds does not get bullied or miserable or lose interest in school and that he knows that if he gets into serious trouble, you will be there for him.

On the other hand, he needs to learn to become independent and sort himself out and make his own choices as to whether a situation is serious or not.

Over the years, I have been into school on several occasions: when a child has been genuinely bullied or hurt repeatedly; when the school has discriminated against a disabled child so as to make her live difficult; and when there has been a real and lasting upset.

On the other hand, I have learnt that most of the time my children don't actually want me to interfere: they want to be able to come home and blow off steam. In the same way as I want to be able to come home and blow off steam, without any risk that dh will be setting off for my office to have a word with my boss for upsetting me. And once that is done, they want to be able to find their own solution.

I can understand that it is extra difficult for you because the primary school is so small. But even so, I think a lot of the time it would be better for your ds to learn that he has choices. All the other boys want to play football- he then has a choice: is he going to be alone or is he going to put up with playing a game he doesn't enjoy? Depending on his personality, either of those solutions might make perfect sense. What does not make perfect sense is to tell the school to do something about it: the only thing they can do is to stop the other boys from playing football, otherwise they're going to want to play football.

They could allow him to play with the younger children, of course; that's reasonable. And a buddy bench is reasonable.

But if the other boys prefer playing football to being on the buddy bench, that is their choice, just as not playing football is your ds's choice. As for offering other options, that is for your ds to do, not you.

Thanks Poohbearsmom - sent him off with his book and a note for his teacher - he didnt want to go to school at all this morning - I just want to make it easier for him - I dont want the other boys to be made to play with him when they are happy doing what they are doing but he has to have something to do.In previous years there have been lone children who have not played footy but have played with the younger kids - Im going to voice my concerns when I see the SENCO she is going to be head shortly so maybe she may be able to see my point, I will also suggest some of the ideas people have suggested here you never know. Thanks again I'll let you know the outcome lets hope there is one. Thanks all

Are you sure he has to have something to do in the sense that he has to have other people organise something for him to do?

Agree that letting him play wiht the younger children is a good idea, but expecting adults to organise a game for him
may not be necessary. I played all sorts of imaginary games on my own at school and was not unhappy. Don't remember the teachers ever organising anything for us- any more than I organise games for my children to play at home.

Hi cody, a poster on another thread said they do limit the amount of times they allow the kids to play footy per wk, (just once per wk) i think its for precisely this kinda reason, cause some kids dont enjoy playing it all the time but hav no other options as they dont want to risk being left on their own, esp in a very small sch like this... Mags you said the parents get involved in the school, do ye hav a parents council or jus ye talk through stuff more individually? I think maybe if you suggested with the other parents, that one or two days per wk could be non football days to encourage the kids to try some other activitys?

That might actually be a sensible idea, Pooh; one or two days a week that's guided in that sense. Compromises are often good. And of course, you don't want a child to be always unhappy or lonely.

At the same time, I think there is a risk that the OP may actually be adding to her ds's upset, by treating everything that upsets him as very serious. (I didn't actually mind too much, being lonely in the playground, but I am sure if my Mum had commented on it and seemed sad, it would have made me feel I was a failure).

The playground business is understandable: it is heartbreaking when your child seems lonely.

When it comes to minor issues of discipline, though, I am really not sure you are helping your ds by encouraging him to feel put upon. If the teacher did not blame him for something he hadn't done, but merely moved him (and others) for matters of expedience, then I really don't think he should be encouraged to make a fuss about it.

I used to run a 3-tier system when my dcs were younger (in fact, I still do with my teenager):

For most daily upsets, I would listen sympathetically and nod my head sagely: "yes, I can see that would be very annoying, dear"

For issues that were slightly more borderline, I would say:

"yes, I can see your point. What do you think we should do? Should I take it up with the school or should we leave it?"

and most often they would say leave it, but feel reassured that if they really did want me to act, I would

And then there would be really serious issues of out-and-out bullying or discrimination or safety issues that really needed dealing with- and with those I would deal regardless of dcs' take on the matter.

I do think you have a point cody its just so hard to see your child going through this stuff my little sister was bullied from day one in national school untill she was 11 when my mum found a diary she had been keeping in which she said she wished she never woke up again, then she wouldnt have to go back to school again... My parents did nothing to help her before this point and she suffered so long because of it, thats why i maybe one to jump too quickly to try to 'help' in situations where your right they should be left to themselves to come up with the solutions... But i think suggesting to the school/other parents about the one or two days a wk footy free could be a good idea... Hope our input helps mags

Thanks guys great suggestions, your input has helped greatly I think sometimes you can get so bogged down you can no longer think rationally- Its funny because two parents I have coffee with most mornings have suggested the constant footy was not a great idea their boys both play but the arguements that they have while playing was disturbing them!! one of these parents have been in and football was restricted to certain playtimes this was when my son was still playing but recently its crept back up to every playtime. I know some of you are going to tell me off for this but I have had a little peek at my son just the once he was happily sitting with his book and surprising being joined on occasion by others even some of the hardened footy boys - hurrah. I have taken on board all your comments I feel I probably do make issues out of nothing I should concentrate more on the serious issues I realise that but sometimes these minor issues can build up with my son which then results into the anxiety my son suffers - am I wrong to expect the school to consider and anticipate these potential issues knowing my childs history? bearing in mind of course the school is so small. I think maybe my anticipation of potential issues makes me react far too quickly and this is probably the case here. Thanks again.
Off to spy (only kidding!!!!!!)

Sorry cory for repeatedly calling you cody... Mags im really glad we have been able to help in any way and please dont hesitate to come and chat anytime

I had a worrier too who also didn't like football.

Have you read the following book,although it seemed simple i found it was useful for starting a conversation about worries with him.,its just your comment about worrying about worrying really struck a nerve with me

The Huge Bag of Worries (Paperback)
by Virginia Ironside (Author), Frank Rodgers (Illustrator

We cant be with our kids 100% of the time but we can give them strategies to cope without us when we are not there.

I think you should try & monitor the situation from a distance, explain your concerns to your childs teacher but try not to pass on your anxieties to your son.

Also I find it hard to believe that your sons school doesnt have any other playground equipment like skipping ropes or stilts to play with or that staff are unable to notice that your child has withdrawn himself & try to encourage him into playing a game.

Also our SMSA's (dinner ladies) used to move the younger children in the dinner hall to keep them sat together as they mistakingly thought that they would be frightened of the older children. However as no one monitored who was sitting where, some children got moved more than once. It took them months of nagging (from staff & parents)before tehy realised that moving them was more scarey than sitting next to the biggest, strapping YR6 Lad!

Nufinkonthetellyagain, bourboncreme thanks for your comments - I will check out that book - I am monitoring as much as I can the day I saw him stood in the corner for 45 mins the lady I approached said I was in the playground I never noticed him!! their answer was to ban him from the corner so then he found somewhere else to stand - I think because he's well mannered and no trouble hes a bit invisible. They dont have anything else to do first or last break they sometimes have a foam ball hanging around and if thats out he will play basketball. Anyway on a happier note he's come back very positive today Ive not mentioned anything or tried to interogate him in anyway but I do know that he's had no anxiety attacks today in school and thats only the second day in three weeks this hasn't happened so that grrrreeaaaatttt news. Poohbearsmom your comments have been most helpful I wish I had done this sooner - thanks

I think it's a real problem living so close to the school.You wouldn't know about the playground stuff otherwise.My DS1 had this problem a bit ,he didn't like football and all the other boys were playing it.Later on they zoned the playground ,with different activities in different zones.That worked a lot better and more boys who weren't keen on football 24/7 came out of the woodwork
the lunchtime seat is nothing though , things like that happen and you just have to suck it up.