I am heart broken, upset and cross. Please help me.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I have posted about DS1 being bullied last night. The child has swung him around by his tie and pushed him on to the ground. He said he has also had his arm twisted and his legs are covered in bruises.

This morning I took a letter in to the teacher and I have spoken to his teacher. I came away very upset.

How do I deal with this as I want to just take him out of school.

I have to see the teacher after school today after she has spoken to the children involved.

All he has been told is to stay away from the bully. Nothing about speaking to the bully to tell him to pack it in.

I feel a rubbish parent who hasn't prepared DS for this.

Have to go and get DS2 now and try and hold it together.

i think you have to give ethte teacher a chance, especially if she does not know about what has happened previously, and you must tell her

as for the head, i totally agree with squonk, saying there is no bullying is deluded and frnakly counter productive.

you need to stay calm, listen to the teacher, make notes if needed and be prepared to escalate things up to head of year or key stage and the governers, especially if the head is not taking it seriously

hitting back is not the answer IMO

What is then as we have been going in to school for a year about this child.

Hear the teacher out this afternoon. You don't actually know yet that she will do nothing - you might be pleasantly surprised.

If not, you have to see the Head again, even if you know it will be a waste of time, because then you can go to the Governors and quite honestly say that you've tried every other route. If you're not happy with the Gov's response you escalate it to the Local Authority.

you said the current teacher does not know about the last year's situation, so you have to hear her out

go to head of year, head of key stage, deputy head and /or governers

you can also contact the LEA maybe if you feel the head is in total denial about bullying

you cannot rush it though, you have to hear the teacher out

other alternative it to home educate your son if you feel so strongly about this issue, until it is resolved

Go the head again and if she says that again, say clearly that she is wrong. Ask her to put in writing what she is going to do about it and when. If you are not satisfied with this talk to the governors who are responsible for school policy and also responsible for hiring and firing head teachers!

I have known primary children excluded from school for being violent - there are tough measures avail out there and the head will be aware of them even if she has not had to deal with it herself in the past.

there was bullying in my dd school and it was dealt with quickly and effectively so please dont despair!

Fab if the head won't take it seriously then go to the govenors and the LEA. Stuff like that shows up on Ofsted so the head will start to sit up and take notice at that point.

I was bullied at school and I can remember that gut-churning fear. DH was bullied too and it's our worst fear for DS. My heart goes out to you all, it really does.

Don't be hard on DH, it's bringing up bad memories for you both and you're reacting differently. You've gone into Mummy Tiger mode, which is absolutely understandable and exactly what I would do as well.

Give the teacher a chance this afternoon, but if you aren't getting the right response then escalate - past the head if need be.

I agree that a friendly lawyer and/or journalist could be a useful ally.

(((((((hugs)))))) for you and for DS1.

I agree with what others have said. You have to at least hear his new teacher out. Some teachers are much better at dealing with this sort of situation than others.

Then if you aren't satisfied, particularly in view of the fact you have already raised the issue with the Head and she refuses to acknowlege there is a problem, you are entitled to take the complaint further. You will need to follow the school's complaints procedures, which they have to give you. In most cases it stipulates you should approach the teacher, then the Head, then the Governors and if the problem still remains unresolved or you are not satisfied with the response you can take it to your LEA.

Bearing in mind that this bullying has been going on for a long time and if you have to go through the Governors then LEA route it could take some time to resolve, you could reasonably remove your son from the school and home ed until the situation is sorted. Its a big step to take though and you need to be 100% sure its right for your ds. Another thing you could try is calling your LEA (you can find the number on your council's website) and talk the situation through with them, pointing out how long its been going on for and that the Head refuses to acknowledge the bullying. They may be able to offer you some advice on how best to handle the situation.

But, hear what the teacher has to say this afternoon first and take it from there. (Although there is no harm in asking the LEA over the phone for advice, rather than making a complaint this afternoon, as it may help you in your discussion with the teacher.)

Some good ideas here but you could also contact Kidscape - will give you advice about the routes you can take to force the school to act and offer support.

Poor ds, headteacher is a disgrace. No bulling indeed FFS - must be the only school in the world!

Btw, I'm a parent governor (but very new) ? if someone came to us with a bullying case the head hadn't addressed I would be horrified and doing everything I could to get it stopped.

I can't get hold of DH.

At least to long until I see DS and I have made his favourite muffins for his afternoon snack.

The head of the association of Head Teachers was on TV a couple of days ago saying (not quite verbatim, but as best I can recall) that any head who said that there was no bullying in their school was deluded and was not doing themselves or the school any favours whatsoever.

I will try and find a link.

(but you do need to take a deep breath and try and understand your DH's PoV - he loves DS and wants what is best for him too, and you need to be a team on this)

I know you are right wrt DH. I just feel it is something else I am getting all wrong. Rubbish at making my point, rubbish at remembering every thing and not very good at not getting stroppy.

He's my baby though.

I have a pounding headache now and just know I will cry.

My guess is also that your DH needs to get some work done today, which is why he has turned his phone off. My DH has done this before when I've been overwrought about something.

He CAN'T fix it in the middle of a working day, he CAN'T argue with/comfort you because it's the middle of a working day, and men often believe the best thing is to turn phone off/ ignore problem until they can actually deal with it.

So I know it's hard, but please don't turn against DH for this.

Yet again, o do needto give this teacher a chance to manage this. Just because last-years teacher didn't get a handle on it, doesn't mean this one won't. Give her the opportunity FIRST.

Fab I feel for you and your poor DS

If it helps my DM is a head teacher (DH and I call her the Head mistress because she is a tad over-bearing re our DS) and sometimes she bends my ear about workplace stuff (usually HR stuff but sometimes letting off steam).

You might find the following useful:

1. Make an appointment with the head - it can be at short-notice but must be booked. Do not turn up unannounced as HTs are often crazy busy at the end of the working day and you need their full attention.

1. Write down what your DS has told you of the incident with specifics where possible.

1. Write down the details of his injuries.

1. (Not from DM but from past experience of managing people) Try not to talk about the past when the HT did not deal with things well. Concentrate on the new incident and get her to focus on that.

1. If she makes a statement like: "there's no bullying at this school" come back with something like "and that must be because you crack down hard on the first signs of it before it becomes a problem. I trust you will be doing the same in this case"

1. Ask the head for her plan of action. You want to know exactly what she is going to be doing and when.

I know it's hard when this has been going on for a while, but an act of violent assult (which this is) needs to be dealt with. If this had happened on the street to an adult the police would have been called and charges brought. It is not acceptable.

You can also go to the Health and Safety Executive (anonomously I think) if you have concerns for anyone's welfare in the workplace or place of business... and a school is an eligible place.

Good luck

When I said to Dh that DS had been assaulted he snapped back that should we get the police then.

I told him I hadn't told him every time I have been into school and he said how can he be expected to know then. I was cross so hung up and it wasn't even totally true anyway, I just snapped.

Excellent post, JustAnother

you need to try to keep a calm head on your shoulders, no wonder DH is not picking up the phone , not that that is right, but you need to be calm and rational about this, you need to pull together as a team, which means keeping him in the loop properly

I am so sorry to hear this - I too was bullied all through school so I can understand. My DH was physically bullied for a couple of years age 7 - 9 until he punched back. No-one ever touched him again.

Can you enroll your DS in karate or judo? They are brilliant sports for learning discipline, how to defend yourself and generally being more comfortable in your own body.

You also quickly learn that (generally) punches hurt but you can cope with the pain, which means you can stand up to the person punching you (iyswim). This will lessen the victim status.

DH has turned his phone on but cut me off. He should be on his way to school now.

PS - I know how upset you must be but the thing that got me through my 5 long years of being bullied was that I wasn't made to feel inadequate or pathetic when I came home. My family listened to me and let me know how much they loved me and how it wasn't my fault but that the world is made up of nice and nasty people.

I also did a lot of sport (swimming - which was useful for covering up the tears I cried as I thought back over my horrible day at school).

I think the muffins will be much appreciated! Try not to let him see how much this upsets you, otherwise he'll feel guilty for bringing all this trouble home....

Ad that is part of the trouble. He doesn't tell us things as he doesn't want to upset us. What have I done wrong for him to be like that?

We saw the teacher. The child admitted to doing it to another boy but not my DS. She is going to find out who the other two boys are and get the 4 of them together for a talk.

I got a little lioness like and also nearly cried but I think she will try and sort this but somehow we have to get DS to realise he has to tell us/the teacher the day it happens, not a week or more later.

I would try always not to get tearful when you are dealing with school, if I were you.

Try to be efficient and businesslike, it will get you much further in the end.

I know, I just do it all wrong.