Drunk on the afternoon school run, not me by the way!

[onthepier]

I know for sure that one of the mums at school was drunk on this pm's school run, feel absolutely sick about it as my ds was in her car, knew nothing of her condition at the time until an hour ago.

I obviously know (and like) this lady, and really feel I should tell the school. I'm wondering how often she's picked up her own children while under the influence, and I know her two regularly have friends back for tea, who she obviously drives. I've often thought her general manner was somewhat erratic, sometimes completely on the ball, at other times almost on a different planet but she comes over a lovely person.

My ds is fine luckily, although I won't let him go in her car again. Would you tell the school about this? I don't want to land her in it if it was a one-off, (even if it was, in my mind it's totally unacceptable), but feel someone needs to do something to protect her own and other people's, children.

As I've been typing this I've made up my mind, I'm definitely going to speak in confidence to the school office about this.

My point was that, being so castigated, she would then probably (and quite understandably) leave the thread and never receive the help which everyone here is clamouring to assure me she would be offered.

Yes, she's in the wrong, yes, she's irresponsible, yes, she's a danger to herself and others - now, where's the humanity?

I disagree with those of you who say that the OP shouldn't tell the other mums.

Yes it is possible that they will gossip about it, people gossip about all sorts of things.

But if my child's life and limb were reguarly being endangered by someone and another adult knew about this and kept this information from me so that I was unable to make an informed choice about what to do about this endangerment (for example, agreeing to playdates but taking the DC there myself) I would be absolutely disgusted and angry. And if my child was injured or killed as a result of this behaviour and I hadn't been told this was going on by another adult who knew about it, I really don't know what I would feel about her. I think this is the sort of information you have no moral right to keep to yourself, if you know for a fact that other people's children are being regularly endangered.

MIFLAW it's not the addiction versus girly lunch that people are making the distinction about; it's the endangerment versus non-endangerment.

I can't say I'd be over the moon about someone drunk looking after my DC's; but someone being drunk in the sitting room while they play with a doll's house or watch TV, is a very different proposition from sitting in a car with someone drunk driving it, IMO.

I would have thought you should be telling the police.What can the school do ?

MIFLAW, I disagree about judging based on outcomes rather than actions. Drinking and driving is illegal (and irresponsible, and dangerous) no matter if you manage to make it all the way home safely or you wrap your car round a tree en-route.

As for whether she'd be castigated or not - again, that depends on her approach. One of "I did a very bad thing, I feel awful, I think I need help..." would garner a very different general response than "I drank and drove with someone else's kids, the other mum's having a go at me, what's her problem?" kind of thing.

With the best will in the world MumsNet is largely made up of average parents who will view a situation from a standpoint rooted in their life experiences. Anything that threatens the well-being of children (as a drunk-driver will) and, particularly, if that person failed to accept any responsibility for their actions is likely to make people here react a certain and often negative way. It's not ideal, but it's life.

Relatively few here will have had close-up and personal experience of alcoholism and very few, if any, are trained addiction counsellors. People here aren't necessarily going to react the "right" way. If someone wants a guaranteed supportive and accepting response to an alcohol problem then a quick google search will throw up any number of sites specialising in alcohol and/or addiction issues.

Moreover, a "Please help..." message would at least suggest that the person posting it realises they've got a problem and would be open to suggestions, support and advice. A "So what if I drink and drive?" message would suggest that regardless of what anyone said they're not ready to listen to sense.

Snorbs

Completely agree.

I never advocated a "so what?" posting - indeed, why would anyone bother with such a posting?

And we are in agreement that people on this site are not professionals and are not guaranteed to respond in the "right" way, especially as one cannot know what is the "right" way for an individual.

That was my point, though - the posters who said, "well, if she came on here asking for help she'd definitely get it" were, in my opinion, being optimistic ...

MIFLAW, at the beginning of the thread I said the OP should inform the school - who will have procedures to follow - and should also tell the mother that she is very unhappy with what has happened, and that she will be telling the school. I think that approach both safeguards the children involved, but also gives the 'drunk' mother a perspective on what she's doing.

When someone else - a friend - tells you what you are doing is unacceptable and dangerous, maybe it is time to listen. And combined with telling the school, which is necessary to protect the children involved, may mean she gets help, if she wants it.

MIFLAW - I posted that in response to your earlier suggestion that no-one was bothered about why the mother was acting that way - that is just as important as dealing with the immediate 'child in car with drunk driver'. But you do have to deal first with the situation of a child being put in danger.

Thanks again for all your responses. Had a chat with two school staff yesterday afternoon. They outlined the problems this lady has got with alcoholism, it's been going on for years apparently but because she's developed coping strategies and clever ways of masking what's going on, hardly anybody is aware of it other than a few select school staff who act as her support. Looking back now I can think of several times I felt she was acting "oddly", isn't everything so much clearer with hindsight!

She's aware that I know everything, as she was in contact with the school yesterday. She's apparently mortified, she's managed to hide this problem from many friends over the years. She wants to speak to me so I'm going to phone her this weekend, now she's in a clearer state of mind. I'm still very angry about the other day and she knows it, but need to talk to her re. how we go about playdates, etc. I'd be much happier having the children at my house when they want to play together in the holidays, but I'll invite her along too as I just feel she needs support.

is it ethical for school staff to be discussing this with your in detail?

i cant believe the school has outlned anything to you abut this womens problems. you are another parent at the school - no more than that.

she would have every right to be peed off - i certainly would be.

can't quite believe it.

i believe it but i think it's extremely indiscreet and unprofessional of them

Yes I'm a bit surprised by how free and open they have been with you. Very unusual and a bit strange. Well, more than a bit strange really.

The reason they've been fairly open with me is because the school hadn't realised how friendly my ds and this lady's ds are, and obviously this creates a problem because my child has spent a fair amount of time at this lady's house with only her in charge of the children. Her ds comes to my house just as much, and I'm now far more comfortable with him doing that, than my child going there.

My brother's children have also spent time there in the school hols when they've visited me, so I'm thankful the school felt they could be truthful. I also work at the school, (not regularly, just as and when they need me), so they know I understand it's confidential.

oh that's a bit different then.

Except when you discuss it on a website..

oh come on, it's anonymous, the op hasn't given any info that might identify her

I am sure that is what Riddley thought..