Ds1 doesn't want to go on his seaside trip - what do I do, keep him at home?

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Ds1 is very sad that I can't be a parent helper as they already have enough mums going.

He doesn't want to go without me (currently has separation issues)

What would be usual in this situation - he's in yr1, so would they make him come to school and go in with say reception or yr2 all day, or will they say keep him at home?

Hmm see what you mean Mutt.
I didn't mention it to him, he came and sat on my lap crying about my not being allowed to go - I didn't know he even knew it was happening.

I had a look at the email and it doesn't say it's optional, although you do have to hand in a consent form.

I think they will put him in another class for the day. I was never keen on trips in primary school myself. Looking back I don't think I would have missed anything if I didn't go. I did have a fab 6 year teacher who took us Country dancing on Sundays in his Country traveller (I think that want they are called) wooden panels. Only about 6 boys and girls (couldn't do that now) I loved that but I was a little more grown up by then.

Personally I would encourage him to go anyway and reassure him that he will be fine without you and that it's no difficult to being at school away from you all day. I think if you don't make him go you're kind of supporting his belief that he won't cope, rather than showing confidence in him that he can manage without you. JMO.

I think it's important he goes too - it'll be fun and he'll miss out if he doesn't. But why not talk to his teacher and see if they can think of a way of helping him. Just being given a special job on the day/ or having a teacher's hand to hold might be all he needs.

Thanks.
Starbear - Morris traveller I think? We grew up in one!! Sounds fab.

Daisy and Smee - yes, you're probably right. Although like Star I never really enjoyed school trips.
Theyw ere a kind of grey area between having 'fun' but not too much, as you might get told off, and being somehwere you'd like to have gone but with your teacher iyswim!

The only good bit was when we were at secondary and leaving aside all the adolescent bullying and paranoia (you're not sharing our room, you're too weird )the teachers proved themselves to be real human beings, whichw as good fun.

I've ahd a word and the secretary said maybe you could come along as an extra helper, she thought thatw as better than him not going at all.

Although now I am thinking, what the heck do I do with ds2 - he's in the run away stage, doesn't like being in his buggy etc...oh dear! I am not going to be much help with a toddler on board.

sorry for my ds2 induced typos

Flight, that's great you may be able to go.

But check if your youngest will be welcome too, just incase.

I think it's really important your eldest goes too. DD is a bit of a klingon, but just had her first proper school trip without me and had a great time.

You can't seriously be thinking you can bring your toddler along......

You're not allowed to take other children on DSs school trips.

I would find out who else is helping and who you think your DS would be happy with (eg the teacher) and I'm sure they'll arrange it so he is with that person's group.

Presumably he copes OK at school all day without you?

Titchy, I was sort of trying to say that too, but not be so erm....blunt!

It's why I couldn't go with DD on her trip, I have a three year old demon preschooler, who would not have been welcome on the trip.

At our school no other children are allowed, and the helping parents can't have their children in their group. Even if you go, you may find that you will be separated from your DS which is likely to cause more trouble.

I would make him go.If you keep him off you are reinforcing the idea that there is something to be frightened of.

Similar situation on a school trip I helped on last year - a boy who insisted his mum came on the trip, she did, and it was a nightmare for all of us.

He was put in a different group, so disrupted that one by constantly wanting to be with mum, disrupted her group because she couldn't concentrate properly on them, cried and wailed all the way on the coach again because he was sat with his group and not his mums.

I've seen similar with the same boy at birthday parties - mum always stays and at my dd's last party it was awful - as he kept disrupting the games, entertainment and then tea by getting down from the table, which of course all the others wanted to do, so I have very little patience or tolerance in this situation, particularly as mum didn't do anything to stop what he was doing but allowed him to do what he liked.

So I'd say, let him go on his own, talk to the teacher so he's with a helper he likes. He will be fine and will just need to get on with things, without you! By dithering about whether you're going or not, he's getting the wrong message entirely. Good luck.

No, Titchy, I wasn't seriously thinking I could take my toddler along. I was saying that taking my toddler along would be a terrible idea.

I just wasn't sure what to do instead as I had just realised I don't have anyone I can ask to look after him next week.

I'm not sure why you're being with me. I asked the question because I didn't know the rules, he's not been on a school trip before, and it's a logn time since I went on one.

Thanks for the informative and helpful responses though.

Maggie - I am not that mum. I don't stay at parties with him and yes, he copes fine at school without me.
I'm not usually precious about him, I just want to do the right thing.
Please don't take out your annoyance on me here.

Your post did come across as though you were considering taking ds2. I usually go on the school trips at my dc's school and they do put dd in my group so I guess it depends on the school.
If it is only his year going he will go into R or Y2.
I would speak to his teacher and explain his concerns - she could talk to him.

The right thing is to encourage him to go without you and to enjoy it, I would go as a parent help but only if D child would be happy for you to be with another group and not with the thought that DS can't manage on a trip without you. My DC's granny helps a lot with school trips, thats because she loves it and if DC's classes on trips she doesn't normally go with their group.

If not on trip he should still be in school. Or at home having a really boring day to prove that he should have gone on the trip and that it woulf be fun.

I've always made a point of not helping on school trips with DS1, because I thought it was important to prove to both of us that he could survive for a day out with out me.

We did have one near disaster in Y3 when he saw me walking to the car after dropping DS2 at nursery as he was in line to board the coach, and ran down the road to me. His teacher had to literally drag him on to the coach kicking and screaming, but he did have a nice day over all, although he still talks about how rubish it was.

I think be as possitive as possible about it, and don't let him see you have concerns or it will intensify his. Good luck!

Agree with previous posters. Emphasise what a good time he will have with his friends. Be positive about it. It's kind of a rite of passage thing.

Can you give him something to take with him to remind him that you are thinking of him. Cold he take a disposable camera so he can show you what you did?

Try and talk through his sadness and worries about him doing something knew & unknown without you there. It's so good that he can tell you that he is worried etc

He's only 6! If he doesn't want to go on a school trip, then why should he? Yes, he may go and have a lovely time, but he also may go and have a miserable day. I really don't see the point in forcing him. Keep him home and have a nice day but every now and again say something casual abotu "You friends will be having their picnics now" "I wonder if they'll buy an icecream?" "Do you think they'll be paddling now?"

Don't be heavy about it, but just remind him once or twice about what he's missing.

Flight (are you flight?) ,,,if you are tbh i would give this a miss this time your ds is still young hes had a lot go on and a perhaps next trip day will be better for him.

Yes I agree with most advice saying send him etc but i think as your ds is finding the schoolday hard and tiring this could well be a set back for him .

Thats only my opinion.

My youngest ds ,last year was invited to alton towers his older brothers were very envious.

A week or so before ds started crying a lot and waking in the night he just didnt want to go - I was all for encouraging him but my dh said no its no fun if he doesnt want to go so we told the other mum he was getting upset and so he didnt go.

long story cut short ,ds3 was 7 he is frightened of heights he didnt know it was a 'fear' he just didnt like the anxious tightness in his chest- we realised this when he went to the fair with another friend and said ' this makes me breathe funny i dont like it' yet he would go on rides with me and his brothers.....because the 'tight in his chest isnt there when hes with mum'he said.

Hi NC yes that's me

thanks for all the responses...lots to think about, I appreciate your advice and experiences.

Cargirl, Good idea about the camera, we did this a while ago when I went on a trip and he stayed with my mother. He was very clingy after that though, and still is at the moment so I'm thinking that Nickschick may be right, it could instigate a setback instead of a sense of achievement.

I didn't used to know whether to believe him or not re his reluctance to do things. However I spoke to him yesterday about this trip, (his having already mentioned it, it was too late to avoid the subject) and asked him honestly whether he would consider going, because I thought it might be good fun with his friends on the train etc. I tried to make it sound good.

He came right back with 'No, I don't want to go.' So I asked gently why that was, and he said 'I only want to if I had one adult by myself,' and he said it in such a clear, thoughtful and serious way that I felt perhaps for the first time, that he really knew what he was on about and what his own limits were.

So I told him that that was fine, there will be plenty more trips and I understand the rite of passage thing but he just doesn't feel ready yet. I think there comes a time when you are ready to place yourself directly in the hands of your friends and teachers, but for ds at the moment it's too uncomfortable so I'm not going to push him.

Thanks again for your help, it made it clearer for me about the various angles I needed to take into account.

Btw I'm not sure if it's the whole of KS1 going in which case I'll just do something else with him.

I think going into yr2 or reception would be equally scary if none of his friends is there, almost like a punishment - which on one hand I don't doubt that his teacher would be against as if to say, 'you didn't want to go on the trip, so this is what happens'.

I won't have him punished for insecurity which is in the end my fault.

Seeker - thanks, yes I'll mention what they are doing so he keeps a sense of perspective and a sort of connection with them.