Ds1 doesn't want to go on his seaside trip - what do I do, keep him at home?

[InternationalFlight]

Ds1 is very sad that I can't be a parent helper as they already have enough mums going.

He doesn't want to go without me (currently has separation issues)

What would be usual in this situation - he's in yr1, so would they make him come to school and go in with say reception or yr2 all day, or will they say keep him at home?

Can I jut say that lack of confidence is the biggest hurdle your child will ever face?

It will hold him back and stop him achieving.

I am not trying to tell you how to raise your children but I would have thought that at 6 he would be able to deal with a situation such as this, and to take it in his stride.

Please let him go. he will be with the same teachers and children he would have been at school with.
I really don't see the problem.

Thanks PP...yes, lack of confidence is a huge hurdle. But I don't think this is going to cause him to have it - he already has it.

I believe that stems from my poor parenting when he was very small and the resulting insecurity.

I also believe that a top down approach doesn't work. ie just because he 'ought' to be able to cope with it by six (if that is indeed a benchmark) doesn't mean we chuck him in the water and assume he will learn to swim.

That's never been my approach and never will - I would happily let him go if i thought he wanted to, but he doesn't, and I'm not going to force him to as I believe that would erode the fragile trust he has even further.

Thankyou for trying to help though.

I don't fully understand the problem either btw - I asked him, saying that he dealt with school on a daily basis without any significant problems - so why was he worried when I left the room at home? He said it was because at school, the teacher was 'always there', ie things are set and familiar and never really change.

I suspect that the trip means going out of context and thus taps into his anxiety somehow...I don't really know how, but I can see how it is different to being at school on a normal day.

Flight, just check with the teacher as well whether the class is doing a parents assembly based on the trip later on.

DD has hers based on her trip on Friday, all the children have a line to say, and there will be a presentation based on the trip.

You know your child best.

Ah good point Manky, thanks for that

I'll check. I know it'd be nice if he did feel confident enough to go...just waiting for that moment iyswim.

is there an adult going that he knows? i would be inclined to say he shoulod go, but ask who is going that he knows. dd's have always been placed with a friends parent, so they have their friends there and their friends mum iyswim.

Hi Misdee, they've been told who's going, it's two little girls' mums - he doesn't really know them well.

I'll see if he changes his mind before Weds, you never know!

InternationalFlight - I don't think you should be blaming your poor parenting for your sons insecurities. My parenting has always been ace and my DS has similar issues.

Hi Flight!

When do you have to decide? I know what you are going through as we had something similar last year and again this year - but overnight trips! DS's school do a one night overnight trip in Year 2 which I do feel is ridiculous however I appear to be the practically the only parent who feels that way! DS didn't go along with 2 of his pals so we did a camp out in our garden with the dads.

This year he is in year 3 and the trip is for 2 nights. He is very anxious and can't quite make his mind up. He wants to go but is afraid he will miss us too much. He is quite mature about it too - he said "I would be ready now for last year's trip".

One of his pals who didn't go last year is going and is very matter of fact about it and said 'it'll be fun' so he has decided to go. But I am sure he will change his mind a few times between this and then!

In your case I think I would gently tell your DS that if he really doesn't want to go then he doesn't have to but that you are sure the other children will have lots of fun and maybe he should have a long think about it. We have asked DS what he is most afraid of and tried to allay those fears.

In our school if a child doesn't go on a trip they have to stay at home and are marked absent. In your DS's case I think I would keep him home but not do anything special. In fact a quite boring day at home with Mummy and DS2 would be good at getting him to think that the trip might have been more fun! In that way he is not being punished but is not being rewarded either.

I know how hard it is to encourage their independence when they don't seem ready but he will need to become more independent going into Year 2. I am not suggesting you force him to go but a lot of gentle encouragement from Mummy is a good idea. Maybe pointing out that when DS2 comes to do it it will be great for him to have a bigger brother to tell him that there is nothing to worry about and that it is great fun.

Good luck! The baby stage is easy in comparison to this stuff isn't it?

I would make him go - he will have a lovely day and you need to make him realise even at this age how important school is and he can't miss it - be it a day in the classroom or a trip - because he doesn't want to go.

I cannot for the life of me see what lack of trust has got to do with a trip to the seaside either? He is going to the seaside not doing a parachute jump or something else a bit dangerous FGS?

Flight - I also don't think you should blame your parenting skills. I'm sure you know it's not so simplistic. Fab parents can produce nervous little people and rubbish parents can end up with confident ones. Sounds like you are trying really hard to be empathic and sensitive to his needs.

My son sounds quite similar to yours. In your shoes I would probably speak to the teacher, see if she has any suggestions and ask if there is any wiggle room for you going. If you are an additional parent to the ratio numbers you may be able to take a younger sibling (our school sometimes allowed it). I personally wouldn't force him to go if there's no other solution but I can see the points others have made about it giving the impression that school is optional. I might go down a compromise road of having him do a half day in another class and then home for the rest.

My dd is very similar, she gets very nervous about trips, swimming lessons etc.

I don't let her know that there is an option to go, but I do google the place and show her what to expect and put a big spin on it

I think it's important for her to know that she can be 'brave' and what she will achieve if she makes that leap of faith. She was really reluctant to do school swimming lessons, but she did really well and was very proud of herself in the end.

"I am not trying to tell you how to raise your children but I would have thought that at 6 he would be able to deal with a situation such as this, and to take it in his stride."

It really does depend on the child. My dd still (at 13) struggles with spending time away from home. She's going to Spain for a week after half term and for the first time ever is more excited than scared. When she was 6 she found school trips or anything like that really difficult and it took her a LONG time to be able to go without nerves and tears. She couldn't do sleepovers until she was 12 - and STILL enjoys the getting ready for parties and the coming home more than the party. She has plenty of self confidence in other areas - she performs frequently on stage (she sang her first solo at 7), she sails boats, rides horses- tons of stuff.

My ds, on the other hand, has been happy to stay away from home with anyone since he was a year old, but couldn't "read his work" at assembly. until recently.

It's nothing to do with parenting, 5t's kjust different children. Don't force him to go - encourage him, and try to persuade him, but it won't do any harm if he doesn't. He's only little.

Thankyou all for the helpful replies, it's given me lots ot think about. Buda, overnight trips sound much more scary! I think you are handling it really well from what you describe.

Yesterday I had a final go at getting him to change his mind, but he said 'I defintely don't want to go' and so I wrote a note in his book for the teacher.

This morning the tA grabs me and says' have you got the reply slip?' and I said I was sorry but that he didn';t want to go.

She said 'oh! Yesterday we had a long chat after he said'Mummy won't let me go unless she comes with me' and I promised I would hold his hand and he could stay next to me and we'd buy an ice cream, and he said he was fine about it and would bring a pound to spend etc etc'

I was a bit because he was so firmly against going when we spoke. I said th the TA that maybe he thought I didn't want him to go,and was worried about upsetting me if he went...but now i think perhaps he was afraid he would upset her if he said he didn't want to!

Anyway I told her I'd bring him in tomorrow with the form, if he was willing, and if he wasn't I'd not force him.
She seemed OK about it - we were both surprised I think at the parallel universe thing going on, I just wish I knew what he really wanted.

Kids are good at that parallel world thing.

Does he feel responsible for you in general?

Just wondering if it's that he is worried about you coping with him not being there, iyswim?

Is there someone neutral you could get to talk to him about the trip to get a different perspective on it? Someone with no axe to grind iyswim? So no pressure either way on him.

He sounds a very sensitive lovely little lad.

Thanks Manky. He is lovely.

Does he feel responsible for me in general, well that's a hard one...how would I know?

I sincerely hope he doesn't. That would be a miserable existence, I don't think he is that unhappy.

Flight, I never meant to imply he was unhappy!

Just I was drawing on my own personal experience with my mum, and I can remember a strong urge to look after her, I felt like I had to because noone else would iyswim?

And I think I turned out ok.

Oh Manky it's Ok, I wasn't saying you were saying that at all, just made me think...also hoped you didn't think I was totally hopeless, drug addled, alcoholic type of mum or something!!

It's interesting for me to hear what you've said - I always wonder if ds does feel like he needs to keep an eye on me, iyswim, in case I'm not Ok while he's gone. that might explain his reluctance to leave me sometimes.

It's a real shame if so. Is there anything your mum could have done to make you feel less responsible? I mean, what measures could I take to stop ds feeling this way?

I thought it might help him if I had a boyfriend or something, but that might bring its own problems in fact I know it would.

I feel so sorry for him if he worries about me that much.

He's decided he wants to go now, so have bought lots of nice bits for packed lunch and told him it's fine either way and he can do what he feels like tomorrow, ie not to worry if he changes his mind again.

I've probably said the wrong thing again but am trying to be upbeat while not putting any pressure on him.

This is so complicated!! The TA has got him interested in helping look after his little friend, who is very nervous about it (he has AS). That's really good I think.

PMSL, I could tell you were not like that from how concerned you were!

As for if my mum could do anything different, I'm not really sure. I was a bit older than your lad when things happened, but I had always been more "mature" for my age and mum has said I was like that from being a tiny.

Mum did fall to pieces for a while really, and I witnessed it, and probably on some level was frightened I would lose her if I didn't look after her. But anyone in her postion would have been the same, so I don't think it was her fault, iyswim? Just a combination of my nature, hers and circumstances. I certainly don't blame her for it!

I'm glad he wants to go now, and it's interesting to hear that he wants to help someone else!

Oh, thankyou, that's helpful...I have had some depression issues throughout his life, and when he was very young there were some awkward times regarding his father, which made me extremely anxious. So I reckon he picked up on that.

I'm glad you don't feel animosity to your mum, v reassuring!!

Thanks again xx