parents of spirited children, school-related question (long – sorry!)

[kneedeepinthedirtylaundry]

My ds is a "spirited child" ? with intense and "obsessive" character traits. He's a happy, confident child. He currently goes to a nursery 3 days per week. He's 4 and coming up to primary age. His nursery becomes a school where he can go 3 days per week minimum, and the school day is short, compared with that of a state school (about an hour less per day). It's fee paying, tiny, very village-school like (amazing for London), close to our home and quite child-centred in its approach. We hope to keep him there for three days per week until, say, 6 or so, then up it to four days, then eventually full time.

Because both myself and DH are freelance, and the economic climate is currently what it is, I thought it would be sensible to apply for a school place in the local borough. He's been offered a school place at our fist choice and now we have to decide by Monday if he will take it or stick with the fee-paying lovely school. The state school (just been to visit) has a lovely atmosphere and a great Ofstead report.

But if he goes there, he will get the corners knocked off him, which is not necessarily a bad thing. However, he has always needed a lot of attention, from day one (could never put him down ? had to be a sling baby), and has had the attention he needed, pretty much. (I think that's why he's a happy, outgoing and confident child.) He's not "spoilt", can socialise and share well enough for his age, has empathy for others, etc. I'm wondering if putting him into the school system, which won't cater for his "spirited" needs, will be a good thing for him in the long run. For example, if he doesn't agree with a request you make of him, he will question it. I take the time to explain to him why I have made the request, and answer his question. I won't take no for an answer, but will negotiate with him if he tries and I think it is appropriate. There won't be much of that attitude with 30 children in the class, and I wonder if they will see it as "spoilt" rather than understand that this is his nature, and if their response to him will quash his spirit. While I think it's good for him to develop with an understanding that the world won't cater for his needs, I wonder if we should let him learn that one more slowly, rather than by throwing him in at the deep end, so to speak, at age four and a half. Or am I being too precious?

Does anyone have any experiences they can share to help us make our decision?

Is 'sprited child' some kind of label? Because you seem to be associating it with a particular set of characteristics that go beyond the normal description of a child as being spirited.

Ah. Have googled. Is this what you mean?

I was going to come on here and say that my ds is, well, a bit eccentric, and certainly quite an intense child. He is getting on tremendouly in Year 3. The only year where he struggled actually was year 1, which was where the formality was really introduced. He did has adapted really well, and so have his teachers , and he is still him iyswim, but very successful at school.

But I wouldn't be attaching a label like this to him I think, so perhaps that's all irrelevant

Oh the shame. How garbled was that? Hope you got the gist.

I use 'spirited' to describe those children that are enthusiastic about everything, love new things and can't keep still or quiet for a minute. Not the naughty kids that do it to wind you up but the ones that are just so full of the joys of spring every day!

Dd was one of those very intense children; also, highly inquisitive. Her favourite catch phrase at the age of two was "how do you know that? Have you read it in a book? Have you read it in the paper?". I think being in a large class with lots of different kids has been good for her. Not so much changing her personality as teaching her to use it to work with other people. Maybe she is sometimes a little more deferential to teachers than I would really like to see (I'm a natural rebel), but that would no doubt have been the same in a smaller school. Learning to deal with other children has certainly been a great source of joy to her. She is just as excited by things now as she was when she was a toddler, but in a more mature way. As she needs to be. However charming she was as a 2 year old, retaining a 2 year old's outlook in a 12 year old body would not really have been what she needed. We all need to mature and have a few corners smoothed off as we grow.

"I use 'spirited' to describe those children that are enthusiastic about everything, love new things and can't keep still or quiet for a minute. "

Cory I am You don't think she should be deferential to teachers??????

she means overly so Kitty, always accepting the teachers position/view without questioning

Please can you explain a bit more Daff? Do you mean during discussions within the classroom when pupils are supposed to put their points of view forward? (being a bit thick sorry)

From what I know, Cory has a very special dd with disabilities. I think she has had a difficult time at schooI , so I assume cory means generally accepting things presented to her by teachers as not to be questioned when they are not neccessarily the right decision.
I hope I've got the right cory, really sorry if not

TBH I think that he will have to 'fit in' to a certain extent at any school. And that isn't, as you imply, a bad thing. Life will be a series of compromises. If he gets a good reception teacher she will help him to fit in, and do it gently and with encouragement. Reception is geared up to children of all kinds, not just the archetypal standard child.

My youngest DS is like this. A totally enchanting child but very high maintenance, and not one to be put off with 'cos I say so'. He took a long time to settle to work in school but was very happy. He spent quite a lot of time running around on all 4s being a dog (or any other animal that took his fancy ). His teacher never reacted negatively to that, never told him off for being different or not doing the same as everyone else. She was, in fact, a saint and I will always be grateful to her. Yr 1 and he is still happy and beginning to get the idea of working.

Could you have a look at the reception class one day - pop in and watch the teacher and TAs at work, observe the dynamic.

You aren't precious BTW. But I think you may be imagining the worst when it will be fine.

OrmIrian and Cory, thanks so much for your descriptions of how your DCs are doing in school. Yes, I think I am imagining the worst, so good to hear about positive experiences.

The word "spirited" seems to have ruffled a few feathers. It's just a phrase coined to describe children that are more intense, and are born that way. As pointed out, it doesn't mean brats whose parents over-indulge them. The link from FallenMadonna described characteristics as: intensity, persistence, high energy levels. Compared to many of his peers, I would say this describes my DS, but he is not self-interested (well, no more so than any other 4-y-o) or truculent.

PrettyCandles, I guess it's not whether you pay for an education but who your teachers are that makes it good. My private school was a "progressive" one, and I think it was the progressive rather than private element that make it right for me. I don't think I would have done well in a public school. I suspect I would have felt the same as you.

Picesmoon, thanks for the suggestion of going in to help out. Think I'll try it.

It's not that my feathers were ruffled. Just that I had the impression you were using the word in a particular way, and in a way that was perhaps not familiar to everyone. Anyway, as I said, my ds is intense, persistant and energetic. High maintenance is how we sometimes refer to him. He does well.

OrmIran, but what is the 'archetypal standard child'? Is it only an archetype or does it actually exist? Having got to know the kids in dd's class through nursery, YR and now Y1 I have to say they are all so utterly individual with their strong and less strong points, their foibles and 'normalcies'. Each one needs a slightly different approach from the staff. On dd's table there's one very high achieving little girl who tries to do and say everything she can to please the teacher but from talking to her mum I realise there are all sorts of problems there that you might not think. And as caring parents we all worry that our children are being 'understood.'

I think that the'archetypal standard child' is the only sort of child that people who have never stepped over the threshold of a state school think state schools cater for!

Exactly seeker. Yes it is just an archetype, imaginary. There is no standard, but some are less standard than others