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Primary education

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Original poster

aggressive incident

30 replies

izyboy · 17/03/2009 18:30

A bit embarassed about this. Basically called aside today and told that DS (4.11) had got one of his friends by the neck in the school cloakroom and pushed him. The cloakroom is a bit of a scrum so I imagine there is argy bargy. Normally DS is one of the more passive ones and the teachers have told me before that he is gentle with his friends.

I was so shocked that I forgot to ask if there were any adult witnesses to this. Basically I could see how a simple push might occur, but the thought of DS grabbing anyone by the neck really shocks me to the core. When I asked DS what he did he tells me that he pushed him in the forehead as they were roughly getting their coats.

He has been throughly punished, no tea at his friends house, no telly, a letter of apology and selecting a favourite toy to give as a 'sorry' present to his friend.

I am just so shocked at the idea of him grabbing another child by the neck that I was thinking about asking the teacher if there were any adult witnesses to absolutely verify that this is the case.

Do you think I should just let this lie now as it will make little difference to his punishment?

OP posts:
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 17/03/2009 18:32

Thats a lot of punishment! I would certainly let it lie now.

Original poster
izyboy · 17/03/2009 18:34

Yeah he was aware of my ire. I just never want him to think this is ok behaviour. It is more that I want to be fully aware of what happened as it seems so unlike him to be that aggressive.

OP posts:
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 17/03/2009 18:36

Do you not think maybe the no tv/ no dinenr at a friends and the letter are enough? I feel a bit for him having to give his toy away as well.

Original poster
izyboy · 17/03/2009 18:39

Yes it's a bit horrible but I feel so shocked at the neck business that I felt it had to be a particularly harsh punishment. Also I want his friend to know that DS is sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
izyboy · 17/03/2009 18:44

The bit about 'letting it lie' is more to do with asking the teacher to clarify that he did actually grab the boy's neck. Any aggressive incident is not to be tolerated, but I am in shock that he grabbed the neck.

OP posts:
LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 17/03/2009 18:46

Think like a 4 yr old, grabbing round the neck is no different than anywhere else being grabbed.

It's not like being an adult and grabbing someone by the throat.

You've probably punished him enough

tiggerlovestobounce · 17/03/2009 18:47

Grabbing the neck might not have the same connotations for a child as it would for an adult?
If it is going to make you feel better to check with the teacher the exact details of what happened then I would do that.

sagacious · 17/03/2009 18:48

Grabbing by the neck is pretty much de riguer at that age

I'm shocked your shocked tbh

By all means explain why you don't do it but if its an isolated incident I think your going a bit OTT.

Original poster
izyboy · 17/03/2009 18:50

Thanks Laurie maybe I need a bit of a reality check. Boys tend towards the argy bargy, DS was bitten the other day for example, and he tends not to create too much of a fuss when it is aimed at him. I guess I just hate the idea of him hurting others in such a horrible manner.

OP posts:
2shoes · 17/03/2009 18:50

don't mean to be unkind but your being a bit ott imo, I think the no tea and say sorry is enough.
if a child had given my son a toy as a sorry, I would have been horrified.

Desiderata · 17/03/2009 18:50

Boys get in tussles all the time.

I agree with the others. He's been punished enough, and I wouldn't mention it to him again.

saadia · 17/03/2009 18:51

This is a difficult one. Ds2 (just turned 5) told me one day that a child had squeezed his neck at playtime. I told the teacher, she took it very seriously. He did give me a name but then denied it so I didn't give teacher any names. The next day he said he'd been joking .

Perhaps you could ask the teacher about witnesses and phrase it along the lines that you are so shocked that your ds could have done this, after that just let it lie.

Original poster
izyboy · 17/03/2009 18:52

Does this mean I have to back track on the toy then?

OP posts:
Original poster
izyboy · 17/03/2009 18:54

Actually now you mention it, DS has commented that another of his friends has squeezed his neck (not this little boy) maybe he is copying.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 17/03/2009 18:54

I think the no tea and a sorry would be enough. Are you really making him give away a toy . The punishment is OTT to the incident.

purpleduck · 17/03/2009 18:55

Also about the toy, I wouldn't want someone else's used toy under any circumstances...

I understand that you want to nip it in the bud, but no -one saw it, and he may not realise that grabbing around the neck can be harmful.

TheCrackFox · 17/03/2009 18:56

Don't make him give his toy away.

He has been punished enough and I can't see him doing it again.

Nabster · 17/03/2009 18:56

I think making him give away the toy is ott tbh.

Original poster
izyboy · 17/03/2009 18:57

Ok, I'll think of a way to back track on the toy. I am so used to DS being pretty passive that I just wanted to hammer home the point that it is not ok to get aggressive like this.

OP posts:
Nabster · 17/03/2009 18:58

And it also seems more about the other child knowing he is sorry than your son learning not to do it.

Making him give his toy away is just wrong imho. I wouldn't accept it if it was me.

Original poster
izyboy · 17/03/2009 18:59

Well it's good to test these things out on MN because I would never have thought that it might cause embarassement to the other party. Good to know.

OP posts:
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 17/03/2009 19:38

Its fine to back track. I don't think there's anything wrong with been honest with children and saying that now you've had time to think about it a bit more, perhaps he doesn't need to give his toy away.

Original poster
izyboy · 17/03/2009 19:50

Yeah I'll probably explain it something like that. I've got it in a bit more of a perspective now - thanks everyone.

OP posts:
katiestar · 17/03/2009 22:23

Seriously i think you have gone a bit OTT.I work in a receptuion class a couple of days a week (for some bizarre reason we have 90% boys this year] and to be honest this kind of thing ,while obviously not desirable,is really very , very normal and if your boy is normally so passive I can't help thinking it was 6 of one and 1/2 a dozen of the other.

seeker · 17/03/2009 22:40

There is often more to these incidents than meets the eye. (and sometimes less!)

Ds's teacher took me aside at hometime last week to tell me that ds had completely lost it with his best friend and got him by the throat. I was pretty shocked, but the teacher said that the incident had been firmly dealt with at school, so I apologized profusely to the friend's mother, told ds that I was very displeased and he should never do it again, and left it at that. Over the weekend ds and the aforementioned friend were sitting at our table having tea when the friend brought up the incident
Friend "You strnagled me last week, you shouldn't have done it"
Ds "But you called me a cry baby"
Friend 'I know, but you ARE a crybaby"
Ds - thoughtful" You're right, you know. Sorry"
Friend "That's OK - I'm sorry too"