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My son is seriously unhappy at school. Should I pull him out?

51 replies

Grumblestiltskin · 23/11/2008 09:32

My son is four. Five in April. He loved the idea of school and loved it when he first started for the first week. Since then he has cried every morning and gets extremely worked up. The teachers, my partner and I have tried every trick in the book but yet he?s always upset.
It?s a state school, which he had to go to because we didn't get into any of the faith schools of our choice. Without being too rude here, 45% of the parents are quite frankly; chavs and 50% of the parents are foreign. I wouldn't have a problem with this except there is quite obviously a divide in cultures. My son is a very loving and gentle boy whereas most of the children are extremely rude and rough. There is a boy in his class who has seriously behavior problems. Every day I hear my ds?s teacher complaining to his mother how he has bitten, kicked and punched. This boy has violet tantrums every morning.
My son told me how this "problem" boy punched a little girl in the eye. I saw her on Friday and she has a round plaster over her eye. My ds has already been hit by another child and I?m dreading the fact that my son might come home with a lack eye or worse.

Another problem is my son is a very social and has made lots of friends but he is so eager to go and play that he barely touches any of his lunch and I?m lucky if he eats half a sandwich. He even has over looked my bribes of his favourite food and chocolate.

On the day that he does PE he always comes out of school with his shoes on the wrong feet and his socks on the wrong way round.

His coat is never done up, even in this freezing cold weather, actually most of the children in the playground were not wearing coats this week.

I don't want him to miss out from school but I loathe this school so much. Is this what primary schools are like these days. Can I expect a better standard if I changed schools.

Should I pull him out now and wait until the council finds him another place.

Your thoughts would be very much appreciated

OP posts:
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lalalonglegs · 23/11/2008 09:42

I hate my dd's school as well but do my very best to disguise it. Could it be that your ds is picking up on your anxieties? It sounds strange that he cries every morning yet has loads of friends and is so excited at break time he forgets to eat his lunch.

Anna8888 · 23/11/2008 09:44

Agree with lalalonglegs that your post is rather contradictory.

I also think it is up to parents rather than the council to find a school place.

magentadreamer · 23/11/2008 09:46

My DD always bought home a half eaten pack lunch too - a bite of a sandwich, a nibble on a peice of fruit was the norm for her as like your DS she wanted to go out to play.

Can your DS do up his own coat? I found DD was ok with a duffle coat as she could do the toggles pretty well but feeding zip into place was more harder for her.

As for his shoes and socks after PE I can magine it must be pretty hard for a teacher to supervise 30 4-5 yrs in getting dressed. Have you taught him to dress himself and how to put socks on etc? DD used to make me smile when she'd come home with the lopsided cardi on as she'd proudly done her buttons up herself.

As for the violent pupil have you found out what the school is doing about him? That would worry me as well.

Have you contacted other schools to see if they have space for your Ds and arranged to visit them?

pooka · 23/11/2008 09:52

It sounds from your post as if he is happy for at least part of the day.

I think your objections to the school may be clouding your entire response.

Shoes and socks on wrong feet par for the course and not an indicator of a bad school. Perhaps it may be worthwhile you practicing this at home with him.\

The coats in playground thing - again, if you are happy that your son can fasten his own coat, then that should be enough. I often see the children at dd's school with no coats or undone coats, but thdey don't seem to feel the cold. The ones that do, and are unable to fasten their coat, will ask a midday supervisor for help.

I sympathise with missing out on preferred schools. THe same happened to me and dd. So I can understand how that disappointment can colour how you feel about the school you were allocated.

seeker · 23/11/2008 09:52

OK - can't quite follow your post. What is exactly wrong with the school? Apart from the other parents being either foreign or chavs?

He won't die of cold if he doesn't have his coat done up - and he won't be scarred for life by having his somes on the wrong feet.

And if there is a child with behavioural problems in his class I presume the school is dealing with it?

Oh, and faith schools are state schools too!

needmorecoffee · 23/11/2008 09:54

not sure what the problem is. If he truly hates it take him out and home educate him.

TotalChaos · 23/11/2008 09:59

"most of the children are extremely rude and rough" . you really are a snob aren't you, talking about 4 year olds like this.

The one thing that would concern me is how the school are dealing with the child with behaviour problems - sounds like he needs support and supervision from the school to stop other kids being hit etc.

Since you clearly hate the school so much, phone up other schools and ask if they have spare places/you can go on the waiting list.

mankyscotslass · 23/11/2008 10:01

The lunch thing sounds normal, the kids are always in a rush to get out and play. Mine now know that if they don't eat their lunch then they dont get the little "extras" I put in the next day.
TBH in Reception they do expect them to be able to put on their own coats and fasten them themselves, so I tend to buy coats that are easy for them to do up. The teacher can help sometimes, but not 30 kids!
Same goes for PE. Teacher can't get them all ready, so I practise them getting ready at home. We still have issues occasionally with trouser on the wrong way when he is in a rush, but over all it's ok.
The violent pupil think would worry me, have you spoken to the teacher about your concenrs? If so then the next step is the head teacher and putting your concerns in writing.
Have you asked at the other schools if there is a place available for your DS? I think the LEA's view would be that they have provided a primary place for your DS, and If you wish to move him then you need to do the legwork, unless there is documented and serious evidence of unresolved issues (I could be wrong about that though).
I think you need to make an appointment with the teacher to discuss this, good luck!

daftpunk · 23/11/2008 10:04

my son cried every morning for the first year, he's never been really happy at school, just get's through the day as best he can. he's very shy and not into sport like most of the other boys, i have had to deal with a few bullying issues... but i never once thought about moving schools.

and fwiw he attends a faith school.

bigTillyMint · 23/11/2008 10:09

Is your son unhappy - your post reads like you are unhappy, but what makes you think your son is unhappy?

piratecat · 23/11/2008 10:24

if you want and can change schools then do. I can empathise with being worried about how the school is run, and how can see that your son is just not happy. Yet it is a huge transition into an unknown culture for the pair of you. PLus it is easy to focus on things which don't really matter ie --the pe stuff.

I didn't like dd's teacher the first few weeks, but she turned to to be wonderful to my dd, and almost like an aunty.

hercules1 · 23/11/2008 10:25

THe lunch issue is something you have to deal with if you feel it is important. THe fact he doesnt eat it all is nothing to do with the standard of the school. DD is at an excellent catholic school in reception and doesnt eat much for lunch as she wants to get out too. SHe isnt allowed chocolate etc in her lunch box so no bribes if I wanted to.

One of the homeworks in her class was to be able to do up their coats. I was surprised tbh that there were children who couldnt manage their coats up. I would never expect a teacher to do up 30 coats.

PE - you need to make sure he can dress himself. So what if he comes out with shoes on teh wrong feet on occasion anyway.

All schools have children in them who can be violent. I am sure the school is dealing with it. It's still very early days for interventions to make a difference.

He is not going to get through his school life without having some sort of altercation.

If you pull him out and wait then you'll find the education welfare officer at your door unless you do it to home educate and therefore arent looking for another school. THe lea will not go looking to find him another place.

hercules1 · 23/11/2008 10:27

I seriously doubt all the children are extremely rude and rough. I've taught in some rough places in inner london and never found this to be the case.

monkeymonkeymonkey · 23/11/2008 10:32

A lot of what you are saying sounds pretty normal. They do rush lunch so they can go out and play. Would sending him for school dinners help? At my DDs school they are more likely to eat it all when they are all sitting together eating the same thing. A lot of them have packed lunch just because they will be able to get out sooner.
Seeing boys crying in the morning and needing their mums to stand by them holding thier hand is pretty normal too, IMO. I dont think that makes it a bad school.

The violence doesnt sound great though.

Have youu looked for another school? Or are you on a waiting list?
If you are really unhappy would private school be possible? If the type of pupils is important to you I imagine that a private school would have more of the sort of pupil mix you would like?

MeMySonAndI · 23/11/2008 10:42

I agree with everything that has been said in this thread, but also wanted to ask that there is the possibility your child is finding it a bit difficult because he is one of the younger in the class and at this age, age differences really show.

It will get better in the future, but if you dislike the school so much it can only get worse, no matter how good they are doing you are not going to be able to notice it.

Regarding chavs and foreign people... funny that you mention that... I sent my son to a school full of foreign people because I didn't want him to grow up in an environment with people like views like yours.

cory · 23/11/2008 11:01

So he's made lots of friends and is so eager to play with them that he forgets his lunch- and you are going to take him away?

lots of children cry in the morning; it's normal separation anxiety at this age; the important thing is whether they are then happy during the day

cory · 23/11/2008 11:02

Going in to check out ds's school for chavs tomorrow morning. I know there are foreigners- because ds attends

hercules1 · 23/11/2008 11:04

Cory - I didnt want to get into that too much as dd's and ds's excellent schools are also full of foreigners and my children add to that!

KatieDD · 23/11/2008 11:12

All schools are not like that, your son deserves better, either work with this school to turn it around although there's nothing you can do about other parents whatever they maybe. Or home ed him until a place comes up in a school you like usually junior school.

tatt · 23/11/2008 11:13

you clearly have issues with the school that won't help your son settle. However there is a serious problem with the violent child that ought to be the focus of your attention. Your child might be quite happy if that one child was dealt with. Bad behaviour can affect the whole class and you might find the other children were not "rude and rough" if one's behaviour was improved. Your son might also benefit from becoming a little tougher.

Try to make friends with some of the other families. Invite children round to play and make sure your son goes to after school activities with other children from school. Then a group of you can see the head and make sure a violent child is being monitored and getting help to deal with their issues. You are also likely to find your son is happier.

If you can you could offer to go in and help dress the children after PE. Work on dressing skills at home and get him the simplest clothing you can.

Quattrocento · 23/11/2008 11:14

Let's separate out all the issues:

  1. The other families (I) I do hope you didn't really mean what you wrote about ethnicity but FWIW the ethnic mix at private schools sounds about the same as your state school.
  2. The other families (II) I'm not sure about "rough" or badly behaved children - IMO you could (only partly) avoid these by going private but most children tend to gravitate to their own kind and your DS will be okay.
  3. Your son crying. Is it possible that he is picking up on your feelings about the school? Which seem to me to be overwhelmingly negative. Can you become positvely engaged with the school? Volunteer to help with reading?
  4. Muddled PE kit is the norm everywhere. Ditto the coat thing. Ditto the food thing.
MollieO · 23/11/2008 14:24

My ds is at private school and the ethnic mix is as you describe. Can't commment on the 'chav' element as I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that. All years will have at least one child with behavioural problems - my son's year (total less than 30) has at least two I can think of. As for eating I think half a sandwich is fine. If he was hungry he'd eat more. Muddling PE kit and clothes, not doing or wearing coat is all perfectly normal ime.

It sounds as if you have very negative views of the school because it wasn't your first choice and that has coloured your opinion. Is he upset when you leave him or upset for most of the time he as school? If you are getting daily calls from the school because your ds isn't settling and is upset then that needs dealing with. If he is happy after you have left then imo there isn't anything to worry about.

My ds kicked up a stink at before school club when he first started (clinging to me and trying to run after me when I left whilst screaming and sobbing). He was fine literally the minute I was gone and I knew that if he wasn't the school would call me.

Flightattendant4 · 23/11/2008 14:27

Pull him, you need to feel happy with the school. It sounds like he isn't getting looked after as well as you'd like.

Mine cries some days and the only reason i don't take him home is that it is a small caring school and i know he is happy there, and cared for.

I'd have no hesitation in your case.

Flightattendant4 · 23/11/2008 14:30

Also I took my ds out of reception because he was simply too little to look after himself, all the things you describe - the feeling to me of lack of control over what happened to him all day was awful, unbearable - now he is 5 he is much stronger and copes well, I don't feel he is suffering or running wild with no lunch or coat most days - this is a huge problem for reception children everywhere, they are IMO just too little to be left all day without proper one to one care.

Take him out, at least for now.

mabanana · 23/11/2008 14:33

But he clearly is happy there! He has dozens of friends whom he is desperate to play with.