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Primary education

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Original poster

Girls and friendships and problems at primary

58 replies

dinny · 12/11/2008 18:54

Wasn't sure where to post this really - just can't decide what I need to do, if anything, and thought I would run it past you all!

Background - highly dominant girl in dd's class (y2) - have posted about the issue before

dd has never been in her "gang" - some of her friends are. school tried to address the issue of gangs last year with playground pals etc, but have a new teacher AND new head this year and it has petered out.

dd is popular and confident, but when this girl X is around she won't let her join in the gang, which dd doesn't challenge (as she is quite a softy)

what I want to know is - should the school be doing something about this? is it just the way it is with girls? am I too pfb?

dd isn't actually UPSET, she seems to have sussed out that X is surrounded by sheep, iyswim, who are scared to stand up to her

argh, just worried am missing something/or it's hurting her self-esteem (though she is gaining confidence/doing well at school all the time etc)

wwyd?

OP posts:
colie · 13/11/2008 14:40

Dinny-don't think it is the same school as there is no new head teacher, she has been there for years. I am in the north of england.

I think you are doing the right thing in speaking to the teacher.

Have you spoken to this teacher about the problem before? Sorry can't go back to your original post as my 3 yr old is disturbing my mnetting time . Will be back once she is happy.

Original poster
dinny · 13/11/2008 18:02

at line-up this morning, I said loudly to dd "if anyone says you can't join in, tell me and I will speak to Mrs A" - so dd has had a good day as she has been allowed to join in.....

I am going to see the teacher tomorrow, I haven't spoken to this teacher about it, but last year, the Y1 teacher asked this teacher's opinion about what she should do about the situation, so she will be aware of it

can anyone advise how I should approach it? I am a TOTAL wet blanket

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Original poster
dinny · 13/11/2008 18:03

Colie, no we're not in the north!!

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Original poster
dinny · 13/11/2008 19:14

any thoughts on what should say tomorrow?

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Horton · 13/11/2008 19:37

"she has a mission to go round helping younger kids with no-one to play with"

I'm sorry, I have no help to offer as my daughter's only two, but I just wanted to say that your daughter sounds absolutely lovely. That is so so sweet and kind and that sounds like the sort of thing that I'd be insanely proud of a child for doing.

Original poster
dinny · 13/11/2008 20:05

ah, thanks, Horton - she is a lovely-natured girl, she really is...

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Original poster
dinny · 13/11/2008 20:46

oh, I need some advice how to broach it with teacher

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imaginaryfriend · 13/11/2008 21:29

Hello dinny

I would have thought the teacher is aware of this girl's behaviour? From my experience the kind of behaviour this girl is doing happens during break times when the teacher isn't on duty so they can't always deal with it directly themselves. But they have 'talks' during carpet time in which class rules / social conduct is reinforced. This seems to have had mixed results at dd's school. Some kids are quite unstoppable it seems.

However dd had a problem with a girl in her class. It was quite different as it involved a rather strange girl with, I think, some learning problems, although I don't think she is SN as such, she just seems for want of a better word, 'odd.' And aggressive. I mentioned in YR how this girl was pinching dd and shouting at her at breaktimes and nothing really happened. Dd seemed, eventually, to find a way of managing with it. But in Y1 it got worse and dd's Y1 teacher has taken it much more seriously and started keeping the girl indoors at break times if she gets wind of any events. This week has been much quieter for dd and this girl has definitely backed off.

School feels such a minefield sometimes.

As for approaching the teacher I wouldn't be apologetic in any way. I would 'demand' that something be done as the girls behaviour is tantamount to bullying. Also ask her if she's aware of the situation or could assess it for herself?

Not much help. I'm rubbish at speaking to teachers.

Original poster
dinny · 13/11/2008 21:41

hello, IF - oh, thanks for the post - I feel I am always posting on here about this but it is driving me crackers! just want it SORTED

I just have feeling teacher will say "oh, it's what girls do" or something and I won't know where to go from there....say that I will have to speak to the head?

ARGH

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imaginaryfriend · 13/11/2008 21:54

Dinny, I'd be surprised if the teacher said that. Dp said dd's teacher would say that about the girl she had a problem with but she didn't. She said 'exclusory' behaviour is a form of bullying and is not accepted. I guess a lot of girls will dally with excluding someone at some point but this girl sounds like a serial offender and I'm sure she'll be known for it.

Original poster
dinny · 13/11/2008 21:56

a friend said to her at parents' even that her dd sometimes came hom saying no-one would play and the teacher said "oh, that's girls I;m afraid" - but perhaps she'll se this differently - hope so

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imaginaryfriend · 13/11/2008 22:08

That is different though to having a gang and not letting one or two girls join in with it.

Original poster
dinny · 13/11/2008 22:10

Yes, you are right, it is

I know that but I am so rubbish at expresing myself in times of stress

I have to go alone to see her as think bringing dh in at this stage is bit OTT....

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imaginaryfriend · 13/11/2008 22:12

I am rubbish too. I was given the advise to not be 'apologetic' by a few people on here and it really helped me. I always go in thinking it's all somehow my fault!

imaginaryfriend · 13/11/2008 22:12

advice

Original poster
dinny · 13/11/2008 22:14

yes, same here

I always feel I am a total doormat, as if I haven't the right to say what the problem is!

I also always feel like a child talking to a teacher!! pathetic!

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imaginaryfriend · 13/11/2008 22:43

ditto.

I feel like I go in on the defensive. But I'm trying to change that.

Original poster
dinny · 13/11/2008 22:48

so how should I be when go in - reasonable, mature, don't start crying....

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imaginaryfriend · 13/11/2008 22:51

Professional. Relaxed. Determined to get out of the conversation what you want to. I often (pathetically) write down a list of points I most clearly want to put across and read them about 90 times beforehand.

Original poster
dinny · 13/11/2008 22:54

Good idea. I am professional - I am, I am, I am!!

Maybe I should start off by saying - I am actually a grown-up professional person, with a demanding job (before dissolving!)

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imaginaryfriend · 13/11/2008 22:59

Don't dissolve. I know you might want to. But I always worry they'll take me less seriously if I do, i.e. they'll think I'm a neurotic sort (which I am) rather than a reasonable sort (which I kind of am when my neurotic side is under control).

I sometimes wonder what the genuinely non-neurotic, smoothly professional, ultra-confident people would do in my situation. If they'd even bother. Or if they did if they'd give two hoots about how they came across.

Original poster
dinny · 13/11/2008 23:47

they wouldn't be going in in the first place

their kids prob would be the very...assertive ones in the year!

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Fennel · 14/11/2008 09:18

Well I would say I am pretty confident and non-neurotic when talking to teachers. And I would try and keep it impersonal. Emphasise the fact that it's been an ongoing problem, that in many schools this would be seen as bullying and unacceptable, and that systematic excluding of children is a) horrible and b) can be stopped by teacher and lunchtime supervisor intervention.

It's difficult I know. But worth a try. I think it always helps if you bring up or hint at official policies or regulations, such as anti-bullying criteria. even find something about such things on an educational website and take it in.

And if you cry, don't worry. Loads of parents cry at school. I am Dead Tough but have occasionally snivelled or even burst into tears in the playground.

colie · 14/11/2008 11:49

Dinny-let us know how it goes. Sorry I couldn't offer you any advice.

Original poster
dinny · 14/11/2008 13:59

hello,

well, I saw the teacher today before class and she was GREAT. she said "what's the problem?" and I told her (without crying, hurrah!) and she said "That is totally unacceptable behaviour and I will deal with it"

she is a v experienced teacher and I have little doubt she will deal with it effectively.

she said for me to come and tell her if it ever happens again.

I'm so pleased - she took it seriously and is going to speak to X alone, speak to the class as a whole (but making it non-personal) and speak to dd on her own to tell her she must tell her or another staff member if X does it again

I'm wondering if there have been other complaints about X, the teacher didn't seem surprised

thanks for all the advice!

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