DD having an awful time in reception... what to do? I need to ring the school before 2pm so any input gladly received.

[TigerFeet]

DD is 4.4. Started reception in Sept.

She has palled up with a little girl, G. G is making dd's life difficult at school. We have been told by the teacher that dd's behaviour deteriorates when they are together and they are being kept separatein class.

Since Monday, when we started back after half term, dd has been tearful to the point of hysteria at times over going to school. This morning she complained of a sore throat, then said she felt sick, and asked if she could stay off. She then ate her breakfast with no problems... so I wondered if there was something else bothering her about school.

When pressed she said that G is mean to her, pulls her hair and pushes her, tells her one minute that they are best friends and the next that she isn't going to be her friend. I told dd to keep away from her but dd said "I want to be G's friend but I want her to be nice to me". I've had concerns about G before, dd has mentioned her a couple of times, I told dd that she should tell the teacher if G is mean, dd says she has.

Another friend of dd's (A) has been told to keep away from G by her mum - A's mum knew that G and dd are friends so told me about it. Also G's mum has been spoken to about G's behaviour, freely admits it and has said that she doesn't know what to do about it as G doesn't appear to care about being told off.

I told all this to the TA this morning (couldn't speak to the teacher, dd dragged her feet so much that we were late). She said she would pass this on.

The school rang earlier today - dd has been inconsolable all morning - I was in meetings and didn't return the call until lunch time. I am going to ring back at 2 to see if she has settled at all after lunch.

So, if she is still upset, what do I do? The obvious thing is to collect her but I worry about setting a precedent, then I worry about her being abandoned... round and round in circles. I am at work today, CM should be collecting her and I pick her up from CM at 5.30. Getting away from work wouldn't be ideal but could be done... very busy today though (yes I know long posts on MN don't help but hey ho).

Am I abandoning her if I don't go? Mollycoddlig her if I do? Arghhhhhhhh. What else can I do to tackle the G problem? G's mum seems nice enough but is clearly aware that G is causing problems in the class and probably doesn't need another parent on her back.

Apols for rambling but am getting this out quickly.

Would really appreciate any advice, TIA

I know they're only small, but it's still bullying.

So it's up to the school to sort it out not you; and I think you should ask for a meeting as soon as is humanly possible.

If it was me, I would pick her up, simply as a recognition that her misery has been heard and understood and that you support her. And then tell her that school will be setting up ways to stop this happening again. And make them do it.

I would speak t to school and see how today has gone, also share your concerns re G and its becoming a big issue with your dd hence today your dd being more upset. Make appointment with teacher/head. they know their is issues with G but probally waiting to see if she will settle down or if any complaints.

The school need to adress G behaviour and soon, she may only be 4 but your dd and others are not there to get pushed and bullied.

Good luck.

TF, poor poor you. i am probably too late because it is after 2

I woudl pick her up, I don't think precedents are such a big concern. She would probably appreciate mummy's support today more than anything else

good luck

Thanks both

I rang and she seems better now so I will leave her where she is. I can speak to the teacher tomorrow morning. I'm not at work tomorrow so if there is a recurrence I can go and collect her.

Poor kid - I knew this sort of thing went on and was a victim of bullying myself at secondary school but I really didn't expect it in Reception.

Oh thanks daisy, x posted

Had she still been upset I would have gone but thankfully she seems to be OK.

I posted about something very similair yesterday to do with ds in reception. We have taken the appoach of speaking to the teacher and asking her talk to ds and the boy involved together to try and sort out the issues. This was triggered because ds came home with his face all cut because of the other little boy and its not the first time
Hope something is resolved for your dd as my ds also tried the I am ill tact today

Oh TF, poor DD. Don't know what to suggest, except, to keep a close eye on it with the teachers, and try an bolster DD's self esteem, but I really feel for you. DD will be 4.4 and starts reception in Jan, and this is just the sort of thing I am worrying about.

TF, glad she is feeling better. I think from G's perspective she may well be struggling with how to deal with friends etc but that doesn't stop it being bullying and miserable for your lovely DD. Learning that friends are people that are nice to you and anyone else is not a friend no matter what they call themselves is, I think, one of life's key lessons!

Good luck tomorrow, and maybe do something especially treaty - a favourite book or something - and nice with your DD in that small window between work and bed

Can you fix up some playdates with children other than G in order to try to foster new friendships?

I found the reception year so hard in many ways (not sure DD did though) It was the first time she was confronted with the idea that not all children were 'nice'. Think she went to such a lovely nursery where they were encouraged to be kind and caring, and was shocked and couldn't understand why not all kids were like her. She's now in yr3 and will stand up to those picking on others, and would rather play by herself than get involved in all the argy bargy and nastiness that comes with little girls.
Fantastic that the school is communicating with you though.

Thanks

TBveryH I am struggling with her struggling iyswim... She was very young (July born) when she started but I had been told by her nursery teachers that she was bright and was ready for school... the reality is that she is too young and isn't coping and stupidly I wasn't prepared for that.

She also has probs with her eyesight and falls over a lot - not helping at all, that, really. She loves her CM but hates the 3/4 walk after school to get there.

I don't want to take her out though. I can't HE - need to work and also am not cut out for it. Delayed entry would mean her missing out on Reception completely and I think that would do more harm than good.

I have raging PMT and have been crying in the bogs at work (again)

Onwards and upwards....

Playdates - it sounds a bit of a cop out but it's tricky. On days I work (3 days/week) we don't get home till nearly 6. The other two days she needs as wind down time - she is utterly exhausted, poor lamb. Weekends are often busy, visiting family etc. I think we need to prioritise weekends better so we can do it then but it's difficult, neither dh's nor my family are local so lots of weekends taken up by family bashing. I will make more effort though, there are some lovely kids at dd's school so will get them round for a play

Drivinmecrazy - we are the same re nursery. DD's keyworker said that dd's preschool year was the nicest they had ever had - all the kids were a pleasure to have around. School is so very different isn't it?

I see your point, but I think that sort of thing is really important in Reception. Quite often kids will play with each other during the day because they know they are going to each others house that night. DD1 (Yr 1) is exhausted by the end of the week, but can always summon boundless energy if she has someone over to play . We try to only do playdates on Fridays though.

Fridays would work, I don't work on Fridays. Thanks for that, I'll get my head out from up my arse and start organising for a couple of Fridays

I wasn't meaning to criticise you by the way - it must be really difficult to see your little DD having trouble

tigerfeet I am guessing you work Tues-Thurs so i would do a playdate on a Monday after having the weekend to rest and let the Friday be a chill out day.

LOL at me going for the opposite option.

It's fine, I didn't take it as criticism at all... I just need to stop fretting and actually do something!! I had deliberately laid off the playdates for now due to her tiredness but I see that I need to rethink that otherwise she'll miss out on a chance to form some healthy friendships. I really appreciate that you pointed that out otherwise I'd still have been going round in circles in 6 months' time.

lol bozza

I have Wednesdays and Fridays off.

Fridays would be better I think as her Wednesday recharge seems to help her get through the rest of the week.

oh dear - we've got a G in dd's year too

I expect you'll find G is a problem with more children than your dd... School needs to address it, which I'm sure they will (hope so!)

gah, it is a nightmare when they start reception!

Oh yes I think you are right. And it is a sort of wind down day anyway. She can sleep in in the morning etc.

DS is now in Y3 but I have always worked 3 days and so I was surprised at how tired he was in reception having been already used to 3 long days in nursery prior to that. Don't know how we will go on when DD starts reception in January as she is already permanently tired with 5 mornings in nursery school and 3 afternoons in day nursery.

So sorry to hear about this TF.

I had to go in to speak to DS' teacher ysterday about a similar problem which has been upsetting DS.

Funnily enough I think DS wants to play with this child and be his friend, even though he seems intent on hurting DS

So far DS has complained of punching, scratching and pushing his fingers down his throat

But DS is a bit older and is coping better generally with school.

Is there any way DD can go part-time at school for the rest of this term?

Could CM help out and have her for a half day on your work days?

Have had a similar situation and took the step of inviting the difficult child to tea ocassionally. I am surprisingly brave about how I deal with peoples children in my own house and if visitors are not nice I say gently and kindly that 'that is not how we treat each other in this house, we like to be kind'. It has had some effect, not 100% but enough.

Tempted to tell DD to put worms down the girls top but resisted.

Keep talking to the school, as other posters say, even at that age it is bullying and the girl needs to learn.

I dread this kind of thing with my dd. I've had some hormonal tears about it already and she's not even 2 and doesn't go to nursery or anything!

Anyway, that's not helpful but just wanted to say how lucky she is to have you on side and helping her deal with it. Hope the good advice from others here helps.

Sorry, I've come to this rather late. I remember Boco's dd had a similar problem, you might ask her advice....