ds (9) being bullied by 3 girls

[cuppa]

I'd really appreciate advice on dealing with this.

Ds told me 2 weeks ago he's being bullied by 3 girls in his class - calling him stupid names, taking the piss out of him, hanging round when he's playing football and laughing and saying he's rubbish etc etc.

he's quite sensitive and it's really denting his confidence. He comes home dejected instead of bouncy.

I know it's not major hardcore stuff compared with the horror stories, but I'd still love advice.

Problem is, cos he's a boy I don't think it's taken seriously. They're all in the same class. The teacher has spoken to the girls, but it doesn't seem to have helped. Finally, after more bother today, he's told to just ignore them.

Seems pretty lame to me. What can /should the teacher be doing? How can I deal with the teacher most productively? How can I support my son for the best?

Thanks

A similar thing happend to my ds (9). The problem is some schools don't take name calling seriously. I know ours didn't. My son was called names for years and the school thought it wasn't serious.

Ds was targeted by a girl in his year who took every opportunity to call him names. Ds was always told to go and play somewhere else and ignore her. In the end he told no-one, not even me, about it and got more and more batterd. It took a new teacher who had a zero tolerance to name calling to help us.

Even though it's not hardcore it is still bullying and can really hurt. It's not always what they say when teasing but the frequency off it. His new teacher has been fantastic, she dealt with the girl and told her it would not be tolerated and my son can now trust to tell her when something happens.

It only came to light after he was caught thumping her foot after she'd been having a go. A TA saw him do it and told him off. He broke down and cried all through assembly. The new teacher got them both togeather to discuss what happend and the girl eventually confessed to the name calling. She said it accidently apparently.

I would go and talk to the teacher and tell her it's having an affect on him and your home life. Ask her what can she do to help and what the policy on bullying is. Let your son know it's not his fault and that you're trying your best to help him sort it out.

good luck!

Thanks. Like you said, it's the frequency. 3 girls constantly on at him - knocking his pen when he's writing, taking the ball when he's playing football, constant put downs and piss ztakes, from not just 1 but 3!

My fear is they'll keep on and on, eventuallly he'll retaliate & then he'll be the one getting into trouble.

"Just ignore it" has really pissed me off tbh.

Will write email today. Not sure how I'm going to word it though. Need her on my/ds side.

My son had a mercifully short-lived episode of this from two girls in his class. He was in Year 5 at the time and they were in Year 6 (combined class). I had a word with the form teacher and one of them saw me talking to her and obviously put two and two together.

From then onwards she was much, much nicer to my son. Quite kind, in fact.

What does seem to work well is if the child him/herself writes something. In another incident earlier on in his school life my son wrote a letter to his teacher telling her exactly how he felt about going to school. She was really, really shocked and took it seriously. The fact that it was in his own words made it more powerful.

Thanks for the suggestion, Bride.

I am writing an email now, will encourage my son to maybe write a letter tonight to take in. Have a parents evening next week anyway, but I don't want that spent up just discussing this issue iyswim, I also still want to find out how he's getting on at the school/academically, the usual reasons for a p.e.

ta

I've written this email.

Does it sound either too wishy washy or too confrontational?

I still only have ds side of the story, so i don't want to go in all guns blazing, or suggestion she's crap, thought the "just ignore them" has really annoyed.

Good Morning XXX,

XXX told me just before the holidays that he had been getting bullied by 3 girls in his class. He outlined what has been happening. He then told me he had spoken to you, and that you had spoken to the girls in question.

I was hoping that after the break things would improve, but unfortunately, it seems not.

XXX has been coming home miserable, and saying he has had a bad day at school.At first he wouldn't tell us why. It is troubling him greatly.

While name calling, general niggling, annyoing behaviour such as shoving, taking the football etc etc may seem trivial, the incessant nature, and from not 1 but 3 people take it to another level.

I would appreciate it if you could
-send me a copy of the school's anti bullying policy.

• have another talk with the girls. eg XXX told me you had told them to stay away from him at break time, but this doesn't seem to be happening.
• consider changing his seat, so he is no longer sitting with 1 of the girls.

I would also like to meet with you (or talk over the phone if it is more convenient) to discuss this matter. I'd rather keep it separate from the conference next week, as I don't want the whole meeting swallowed up by this issue.

many thanks
Cuppa

Does this seem OK?

I think the general tone of your email is fine and polite, not at all confrontational.

I'm not sure I'd ask her specifically about the anti-bullying policy at this stage.

When you say it is troubling him greatly, make it more specifically: is he finding it hard to sleep? Complaining of stomach aches? Saying he doesn't want to go to school?

Good letter.

I think a lot of the problem is that girls get away with things boys would get a telling off for.
A DS's primary school boys always seemed to be automatically at fault. If a girl pushed in the queue and the boys pushed her back out,it was the boys fault.
There was a complaint about the whole class behaviour but the letter only got sent home to the boys parents, even though some of the girls were playing up as well.
It's one of the only complaints I had about the school

yes, this is what concerns me - the girls can bitch & bitch & needle, the boys replies with eg a push & he's the one that gets in trouble. I think schools, (esp. primary) and teachers are very biased against boys and girls can often make out they're the victim. this is what I see happening in this case.

christywhisty that this letter only went out to the boys' parents. (not our old school was it?!)

The email seems fine to me too.

However, I would disagree that name-calling etc is not hardcore bullying - it is!

I was verbally bullied from the age of 10 up until I went to Sixth Form College, and it wrecked my confidence and left me with a terrible self-image. I'm now receiving psychotherapy for depression, and looking back I can see evidence as far back as my teens that I was depressed then - I remember having suicidal thoughts, which is not normal.

My mum told me that sticks and stones would hurt my bones but calling names wouldn't hurt me, and did nothing more about it. After being told this a couple of times, I stopped telling her about the bullying - what was the point if she wasn't going to do anything - and I didn't tell the school either, because if my own mother didn't think it was worth doing anything about, why would my teachers - and anyway, I was too scared to go and tell for fear of repercussions when it was obvious that I wouldn't have had my mum's support.

Cuppa - you are most definitely doing the right thing - your ds deserves the best, and you are clearly going to make sure that the school takes proper notice of this issue!

sunnygirl.
PS - sorry to have hijacked this thread with my own tale of woe, but I so want people to understand that verbal bullying is as toxic as physical bullying - if not more so.

The kidscape website is very helpful. It has advice for parents and children.

The girls' behaviour is bullying. IME schools/teachers prefer to pretend there is no problem, so you have to keep on about it, and keep a diary of events.

sunnygirl, thanks for your comments too. So sorry to hear what a devastating affect it's had on you. It's a pile of crap to say name calling doesn't hurt for you.

Well, just to bore you silly, this is the final version of the email I sent

Good Morning XXX,

XXX told me just before the holidays that he had been getting picked on and feels bullied by 3 girls in his class. He outlined what has been happening. He then told me he had spoken to you, and that you had spoken to the girls in question.

I was hoping that after the holidays things would improve, but unfortunately, it seems not.

XXX has been coming home miserable, and saying he has had a bad day at school.At first he wouldn't tell us why. It is troubling him greatly (he used to be very positive about school, now he isn't, he is increasingly anxious, and now wants to share his brother's room, he is reluctant to go to school, he worries what the girls will do that day etc).

While name calling, general niggling, annyoing behaviour such as shoving, taking the football etc etc may seem trivial, the incessant nature, and from not 1 but 3 people takes it to another level.

I would appreciate it if you could have another talk with the girls and consider changing his seat, so he is no longer sitting with 1 of the girls. Also, I think it would help him if you (or you and I together) spoke with him about how he can best deal with the situation. Clearly just ignoring it isn't working, and some things, like shoving can't be ignored.

I would also like to meet with you (or talk over the phone if it is more convenient) to discuss this matter. I'd rather keep it separate from the conference next week, as I don't want the whole meeting swallowed up by this issue.

I appreciate your help with this and look forward to hearing from you,

will let you know if I hear. Thanks for reassuring me I'm not being pfb about it.

I often wonder how a teacher would feel if their colleagues behaved that way towards them, on a daily basis.

I agree it's not right for the girls to get away with upsetting your son like this. The email explains it perfectly - send it. Good luck.

3littlefrogs - that is such a valid point. I brought an issue up once about dd school and instantly the teacher jumped on the defensive. ime teachers panick at the word "bullying".
cuppa-your letter reads well. Hope it gets sorted out very quickly, and the teacher acts upon your email straight away.

Well exactly! How would they feel if every time they went into the staff room, some of their colleagues started whispering about them.

That's a really good letter - especially the change of "feels bullied" from "being bullied". I think it comes over really well.

Good luck cuppa, good e-mail and although I hope it can be put right at this level, remember that you still have the Head and the Board of Governors to go to. The school has to take responsibility for this and sort it out. Bless your ds - does he have a strong group of friends who can help him through?

(In our case we voted with our feet and left, along with four other sets of parents whose children were being bullied. Ds went to another school where he has been perfectly happy with no incidence of bullying. It's all down to how the school handles it and, I think, crucially, the head's attitude.)

That sounds really good cuppa.
Our teachers and dinner ladies always say ignore them or play somewhere else which doesn't really help. Many children don't have the knowledge or skills to ignore comments and why should they play somewhere else as it's not dealing with the situation.

Saying that though it has been handy for my son to learn ignoring techniques as bullies feed off the victims reactions. Teaching my son to stand up straight and act not bothered has really really helped. It still hurts him but the balance of power has shifted.

In our school name calling had become endemic. The head didn't believe name calling was bullying and only punished hitting which is generally boy behaviour. They thought name calling was part and parcle of school life and kids should "get over it". It's only when it got seriously bad that the head was pursuaded that there might be a slight problem.

In my opinion verbal bullying is worse than physical bullying as it can go undetected and it can be denied much more easily. It's a much cleverer form of bullying. My son is bright but he just couldn't understand why his friends (it started with one girl who then influenced his whole group of friends against him) would do it.

It's excellent that you're sorting it quickly. I hope they don't fob you off with the fact it's only names, he should get over it.

You are so right about the school's and Head's attitude being crucial, stillenduringsurrey.

My ds2 was bullied at his junior school and senior school before we moved to Scotland, and each time it was how the school reacted that was vital. On one occasion my son was given the opportunity to tell the child who was bullying him and their parent what was happening and how it made him feel - this was really empowering for him, and brought home to the other child's parent the seriousness of what their child was doing.

Since we've moved, he's settled very well and made some good friends. There's been one incident of nasty physical bullying, but the school leapt on it immediately and the swiftness and seriousness of the school's reaction enabled ds2 to get past the incident quickly. It's also clear how the school's attitude to bullying has rubbed off on the other kids, as ds2 has had lots of support from his friends since the incident, and they've wholeheartedly condemned what happened to him.

Cuppa - I'd be very shocked if your ds's school doesn't respond very swiftly to your email - and I hope that the situation is resolved quickly.

Some schools/heads recognise that bullying happens everywhere, and deal with it appropriately.

Others pretend it doesn't happen in "their" school.

I took my son out of his primary school, which was one of the latter, and sent him to a prep school (I had to leave my newish baby with a CM and go back to work). The prep school was one of the former kind of school, and had a zero tolerance policy to any kind of bullying. My son was seriously depressed and yet within 2 weeks of being at the new school he was happy, popular, secure and doing really well.

It is entirely down to the attitude of the head IMO.

Ask the teacher if he/she is going to just ignore it if everyday you come in and call her/him dumbarse. Would she mind if you just popped your head round the door ever now and again whilst she is teaching calling her/him dumbarse with a big grin on your face. If he/she complains about it to the headteacher or whoever and is told to just ignore you is he/she going to accept that? Don't think so, the teacher needs to change his/her attitude and step up.

Sorry hadn't actually read the entire thread and got all worked up on behalf of you and your son before reading that you were going to send a very well worded email. Hope you get it sorted.

3littlefrogs we took ds out of one independent school to another with a similar, zero tolerance policy, but, most significantly I feel, an effective and respected head. One of the boys who was bullying ds said 'I don't care if I have to go and see Mr X - he's a walkover' - oh the look on that head's face when we gave notice - I enjoyed it thoroughly but it was bittersweet because if he had done his job we would never have had to uproot poor old ds.

Hi, just to report back - school hasn't even finished yet, and I just got a call from his teacher thanking me for my email and saying she's taking it very seriously. she says she has been aware of the problem & spoken to the girls a few times, but seeing my mail she realises they're just not listening. She's moved my ds's seat so he no longer has to sit with them, and she has talked again with them & given them a serious warning. Ds has to go to her twice a day and report to her how his day is going/if they've bothered him at all . Any nonsense and they have to spend every break with the head. She said she won't tolerate it and it has to stop completely.

Either me or ds to get in touch with any problem etc etc. Meeting again next week to see how things have gone.

Feel very relieved for my ds - he must be feeling reassured cos she made all the right noises and the right tone.

Thanks you all for suggestions, made me realise I wasn't over reacting & was doing the right thing.

Whooohooo, excellent teacher he has. Well done you too.
Bet you are looking forward to seeing him tonight and asking him how it went today.