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Original poster

I burst into tears at dinner today when I asked dd what she did at playtime and she said I walked around on my own.

58 replies

twinsetandpearls · 02/09/2008 23:21

We have just moved to the other end of the country, we moved so dd could have a better life, the kind of childhood we wished we had had.

She is 6.11 and started her new school today, she has always been a popular child and very confident. Over the summer holidays we sent her to lots of holiday clubs and activities to make friends which she did but the children were all older than her, she seems to make friends with older children much easier.

I just can't bear it that dd had a hard day and nobody to play with, I am filling up as I type this. She was so happy where we were and I know she wants to go back.

How long should I leave it before talking to the school.

There is one girl she spoke to in class, I thought about inviting her to tea.

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Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 03/09/2008 00:03

That may be the case Dior, I will get dp tp talk to the teacher so if she has started to make friends at least we know.

Must go to sleep now, first teaching day tomorrow. Thanks

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pudding25 · 03/09/2008 09:11

I am a yr 1 teacher. This is quite common. If a parent speaks to me about this, I pass it on to whoever is on playground duty and get them to keep an eye on the child. If they are on their own, the playground staff can find some kids for them to play with.

Walkthedinosaur · 03/09/2008 09:19

This happened to my DS1(6), he got very upset at the weekend and told me the other children won't play with him because he's stupid (he's English in a French school, and although not fluent speaks French well) I told him things would be different after the holidays and he took a big bag of marbles to school to play with yesterday, but they still wouldn't play with him and I think he spent a lot of time looking through the gate into his old playground where DS2 still is. He did stash his Top Trumps cards in his bag last night though and I heard him muttering to himself these might work.

I'm a bit bemused by it all, because he goes to a playscheme on a Wednesday and when he walks in there he's greeted by other children shouting his name and he mixes and plays well there, some of the children at the playscheme are from his school although I would say the majority go to the other school in town. DS is happy to go to school though so I'm just keeping an eye on the situation at the moment and will discuss it at a parents evening at the end of the month.

Heartbreaking for us parents though.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 03/09/2008 09:21

Both ds2 and ds3 have said this. In neither case is it true (I spied and watched).

believeintheboogie · 03/09/2008 09:30

My dd started a new school due to a marriage breakdown in the second term of reception and said she had no one to play with. I went and spied because the playground backs onto the park and all the times I looked she was playing with the same group of children and not alone at all. She thought if she said this I would take her back to her old school (not an option)

Im not saying that your dc is doing this but its worth checking, when I worked in schools it was normal for children to be playing alone for a while, other playtimes they would be in a big group.

I used to play alone alot at school because I didnt like the hussle bustle of the playground so I used to just go in the quiet area.

CapricaSix · 03/09/2008 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overthemill · 03/09/2008 09:40

my dd started A new school at january term. we had moved for various reasons. she was very very unhappy and really misses her old frends. she had lots and lots of sick leave which i am ceratin was exacerbated by her unhappiness (although she has 2 chronic conditions).

so i was very worried about her starting at middle school this term. yesterday she went off very happy and saying - they are all new now, not just me and she came home last night full of it! I was so relieved I did cry (not near her).

What has helped i am certain is staying at home for all but 2 weeks of the hols. keeping open house for the kids in the street (my food bill soared) and making myselkf get out and about to meet up with her classmates families too.

we are lucky as we live in a no through road so the kids just rose bikes/scooters all hols in the roads, we went on big walks, went swimming together etc. i invited a girl in the street to come on library visits etc. we visited all teh local fetes! and she has joined brownies (do you have rainbow near you? they always need volunteers)

it was a huge effort but 5 kids callled for her last night (3 boys!!).

i deliberately didnt take up a job offer all through this time so i could be here to help network. i do think that is key.

good luck, it will be fine but it takes time.

overthemill · 03/09/2008 09:48

oh i am not criticising you getting a job - it was just my choice to do that. its the networking that i meant was key

MarmadukeScarlet · 03/09/2008 09:59

TSAP, This has made me cry! I was very unhappy at school, had no best friend and was excluded a bit, drifted around different groups etc.

DD has been exactly the same and she has been horribly bullied (in the past, hopefully)

When she was 6 she was in the bath and said, "Maybe I'm the sort of girl who never has any friends." How I didn't burst into tear I'll never know. (mumbled about getting a clean towel and hid my face in the airing cupboard!)

Her teachers all report that she is happy and has people to play with, but she tells me that she spends time on her own and I DO believe her.

She has had a problem with a group (that she really wants to play with) saying they won't play so she just finds someone else. Which is the up side of not having a best friend, you can play with many more people

I hope things get easier and you have a lovely birthday party.

Good luck with the new job.

CoffeeAndCarrotCake · 03/09/2008 11:22

Oh God - I'm just about in tears reading all these and now really worrying about DD starting school....and she's only just turned one!! Must get a cup of tea, STEP AWAY from Mumsnet and get back to work! It's too addictive

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 03/09/2008 17:56

Well Dior and others were right. She has made friends and settled and she was not telling me the truth, according to her teacher. Dp spoke to them today and they commented on how confident dd was and how good she was at making friends, which sounds just like dd. Infact today she bought home the class toy for making such a good start in class, I am not sure if she would have taken it if dp had been in but things are clearly going ok.

Overthemill I know you were not criticising, luckily i teach so I had the whole holidays off work so was able to take dd to lots of clubs over the holidays, dp also works reduced hours from home so again he can be there for dd.

I don't know what to say to dd now, she said she now has friends and that yesterday she had friends but could not remember their names, she did not say this. I have said to her that I was very upset yesterday when she said she had no friends and that I am glad she is happier. Do I need to say anything else?

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SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 03/09/2008 18:02

lol twinset. it must be a girl thing my dd told me at lunchtime that x from her old nursery told her that she couldnt play with her and that she had new friends and didnt want to play with her anymore

an hour later x and another girl ran upto dd1 in the playground and asked if she wanted to play the screaming game again

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 03/09/2008 18:05

lol at the screaming game.

OP posts:
pointydog · 03/09/2008 20:54

'networking' for your children. That always cracks me up.

overthemill · 03/09/2008 21:58

sorry, i know what i mean by networking - my idea is that you work like billyo to get to know people at the school gate that
a) you think look nice/like you
b) you can ask to help out when your childcare/life falls apart on odd days and c) that you think could provide a fast track into friendships for the child.

i have recently moved and my work networking skills have proved invaluable!!! heaps of people who are really lovely and who want to play with me dd

twentypence · 03/09/2008 22:14

Ds has said this (and is changing schools soon and so will say it again). He was matter of fact about it though - not really going for sympathy and he didn't get any. I remember spending a lot of time wandering about the playground alone when I was in primary school because I wanted to, and so if my parents had asked me I would have given the same answer as your dd!

TBH he's been more upset on the days he's had children falling over themselves to play with him.

I have also spied and watched (which is where it's handy that I am a music teacher and can legitimately get there a few minutes early and look out of the window.) and he is running around and he is flitting from thing to thing.

elastamum · 03/09/2008 22:35

I sympathise as i had exactly the same from ms DS a couple of days ago. I e mailed his teacher that night and they have made a real effort to support him so much so that he came home today saying he had the best day as he has made new friends - he cant remember their names either - his dad has just left us and I am hyper sensitive to the kids being unhappy at the moment but they are coping really well

SusieHughsie · 03/09/2008 23:08

DD who is 6 is having similiar problems, told me she didnt have a very nice day today as she made a huge effort to include herself in a group of her classmates in the playground but they kept running away from her. When she asked one of the girls why they did that they replied 'It's not all about you, y'know'.

She seems to be fine with friends one on one but in a group situation she struggles. I was hoping the Summer holidays would have helped and the new term would have been a fresh start but it seems there is going to be many more lonely playtimes ahead. I have organised lots of playdates after school to encourage friendships and they have all gone pretty well but when they are all back in the playground, they ignore her and she is heartbroken (and so am I)!

SusieHughsie · 04/09/2008 08:20

Hope all your DC's have a better day at school today. Just seen the forecast and it looks like it's going to be rainy play, DD is happier with this as she there is less chance of her being excluded.

heatblast · 04/09/2008 09:45

Oh god I could have wrote your post myslef twinset, my ds has just started junior school in a new area and doesn,t know anyone.
He had many friends in infant school and was quite popular.
Now I am fretting terribly about him as I asked him about playtime and if he played with anyone, and he said nobody I just walked around, he said that he asked one particular boy out of his class who was playing tag with someone else if he could play. and the boy said no, at this point I could feel myself wanting to cry.
I asked him if there was anybody else he could have played with what about the other boys in his class and he said they were all playing football and he doesn,t want to do that as he hates football when there are too many people playing.
I know its early days but I will start to hate myself if I think things are not going well as I am the one that moved him.
His mates from infant shool have moved into the juniors attached to that school and I moved him because I moved house and figured that a school near home would be best as any friends he would have would be closer to us.
I am so hoping that he doesn,t walk around again today, I feel like walking up near the school to see if I can see him on the playground.

bundle · 04/09/2008 09:47

our school has a system of playground buddies - there's a point where children can stand and others come and "rescue" them if they're alone

heatblast · 04/09/2008 10:05

My ds's school states that they have something like that in force I will have to read the school booklet again.
However I don,t think anyone came to my ds's rescue yesterday but of course its difficult when you r not there to see.
I don,t want to jump in too quick looking like a paranoid parent but if he is still telling me in another week or so that he is still walking around and not playing with anyone then I will see his teacher about it.
All of his classmates will have probably known each other since reception so I know that they need time to get to know my ds just like my ds needs time to know them.

Dior · 04/09/2008 12:06

Message withdrawn

cory · 04/09/2008 16:41

You do need to remember that she is not you. Some children would be unhappy if they were on their own for a single playtime, most would probably only suffer if it happened frequently, some would actually be quite happy that way. I spent a lot of breaktimes mooching around on my own. Sometimes I felt lonely, sometimes I didn't. I would not have liked it if I had been set up to play with other children all the time.

No knowing how your dd feels inside, so I'd give this time and see how it develops, then maybe have a word with the teacher about buddy schemes.

But if you show her that being without someone to play with is a dreadful thing, then she is going to have to conclude that she is indeed unhappy.

cory · 04/09/2008 16:44

Sorry about late and irrelevant post- my computer went a bit funny so I couldn't read page 2- please ignore post above.