Help!! I truly believe my just turned 4 yo boy is NOT ready for school in sept...... what do I do??

[jemimap]

My just turned 4yo is due to go into reception (in a private school) in sept.. I've always had concerns over his 'readiness' both emotionally and socially, to begin fulltime in sept but having thought long and hard about it over the past month I feel determined that it would be the wrong thing for him at this stage.. I just dont know how best to tackle this. My ideal would be that he attends mornings only in reception, probably for the whole academic year as I dont see any reason to push him into full days until next sept (when he will just have turned 5)

I've spoken to the head who has extremely reluctantly agreed to let him start with mornings only but only until oct halfterm then he must go fulltime. I dont know with it being an independant school whether to just stand my ground and basically say its 'mornings all year or nothing' kind of approach (I have 2 younger children too so the school would be losing the fees of 3 pupils if they say no)

Or should I just keep him at his (fabulous) preschool 5 mornings a week for the next year and start him in year 1 in sept 2009??

any opinions greatly appreciated..

I would never defer a year, it isn't just reception it's a whole school career. That child would always be the odd one out, the other kids will think they have been kept back due to not being bright enough (and they will when they get to secondary, I've seen it)

The majority of summer birthday children do just fine at school. Stop babying him and let him be just like all his peers, schools know how to cope with all children

Custardo, I'm not suggesting the OP should Home Educate. She hasn't at any point suggested that that is on her mind. Whether or not HE is a valid choice morally or socially for certain children, or whether it just signals needy parents unable to let go, is a different and completely OT issue. If you want to debate that, you should probably start a debate thread in the HE forum.

I was suggesting that the OPs idea of not starting her child in full time school at 4 because she doesn't think the child is ready for it is a perfectly valid thing to consider, and that the child might benefit from being part-time or staying in pre-school a bit longer rather than missing out on all sorts of marvellousness by not being in school full time from the 4th of September. Am I wrong about that?

All this "yes absolutely, start them immediately in the September when they are just 4 if they are August birthdays, stop faffing around and mollycoddling".

But think.

Maybe 10 miles away over a county border, the OP would live somewhere where split entry September/January/Easter would be absolutely standard. In her county, maybe all children are expected to go to school in September, even if they are 4 years and 4 days old. In another county, no child is expected to start full time school until they are within 5 months of being 5 (and that's if Easter is very early). In Scotland it's different again and much more flexible. Is Scotland filled with teenage boys who didn't start until the later possible date and have been socially and intellectually stunted?

Why all this "there is only one right way to start school, and that is just not to worry about it and shove them in the September before they are 5"??? It's not even universally accepted in all English schools!

Haven't read whole thread but my reaction to OP is - keep him home this year and start him next year in Yr 1. He will soon go with the flow esp in the tiny classes of a private school. (I have no great faith in private Foundation Stage education anyway)

Having said that, my own ds started in Reception at 4 yrs 2 months and I was afraid it might be too soon. The Head at the (state) primary reassured me that if it did turn out to be too long a day for him, we could negotiate part time. In the event it was not necessary, partly because ds was more than ready for the social interaction, and also because the school had a strong "learning through play" policy at Foundation Stage.

In the case of a private school though, I suspect the days are longer, more regimented, and academically more demanding.

DS1 is going to start reception this september
I am soooooo pleased that there is the opportunity for him to start in the school system without the formality of it being year one.
The whole time is playtime, there are free choice play times and guided play times but none the less all play, for the first 2 weeks of term he will do half days and from then on the teacher will work with us on getting the right hours for him (it may be that he comes home after he has had lunch for a few more weeks)

I don't want my little boy to grow up, but he is going to, I don't want him to know about Doctor who and the Power Rangers but that is just not realistic.
I think you should save your money, put him into the perfectly good state school and he will be given time and patience by the teachers even if the school policy is full time or nothing.

onwardandupward - I am sorry but thats my view...you have yours and I'll have mine. You think I am wrong and I think I am right - IMO I would never want my child to be left behind.

Ok.. lots of viewpoints..

I absolutely am not suggesting permanently home educating, just to clear that one up.. I do believe in the structure of school but not necessarily at literally just turned 4.

I do wholeheartedly believe in onward and upwards view point that school at 4 really isnt the be-all-and-end-all of life and that I honestly think intergrating into social groups, 'catching' upm on missed work etc etc is not of the least bit important at 4. It drives me insane (and Im not the sort of person to usually get het up about something) about the regimented school starting age in this country when there is no proof that it results in better 'school success' and actually, on the contrary, studies seem to overwhelmingly show that countries beginning full time formal education at 6 or 7 actually achieve better 'results' at 16..

Its just such an emotive issue. Perhaps I am a little more hesitant with him being my PFB and everything, but I have a second son who will start school in sept 2010 who I am sure even at this early age will adapt far more easily.

As for how my little boy feels about it, well I'm sure he probably will settle by half term, but that is probably going to be because he will only be in school for 4 hours a day.. and even if he does seem happy and coping, I stand firm in my belief that 6.5 hours a day of a 4 year olds life 5 days a week shouldnt be in the sole care of the state..

Thanks everyone for your views - it certainly gives me food for thought about possible options.. keep 'em coming..

minorityrules, I also know a child who is a different year in the private system - a girl this time - and she has never ever been bullied or picked on or even had it mentioned that she is the oldest in her year.

I honestly dont know what you should do.

But
We are in Scotland, where children born Jan-Feb-March have the option of starting at age 4and a half to 5 and a half. No children here go to school until they are at least 4 and a half.

My dd2 starts next week at 4y9m. My older 2 both began at 5y6m, so I am freaking out that dd2 is too young!!!

I have never for a second regretted the later start for my dc's. they have both, especially ds, thrived on the extra year in nursery.

As a secondary teacher, I see a big diference between children starting secondary at 11 and a half or a eyar later. The younger ones, especially boys, do much more poorly, IME.

You need to do what is right for your son. But I would not have sent any of my kids at under four and a half, no matter what law/advice I was breaking!

Jemimap - 'I do wholeheartedly believe in onward and upwards view point that school at 4 really isnt the be-all-and-end-all of life and that I honestly think intergrating into social groups, 'catching' upm on missed work etc etc is not of the least bit important at 4.'

I agree too. It's why we aren't sending our ds to school in September at 4 and 5 months. I don't feel that anything he would miss would make up for the huge struggle he would find it. I think, as O and U also said, a child will find it easier to fit in with school routines, cope with big groups, learn to read/write/etc., be 'independent', when they're confident and ready to do so.

I know some people do think I'm mollycoddling him, but actually I don't really care! We can only do what we, in our hearts, feel is best for our own children. I'd say trust your instincts, and trust your child to let you know what he needs.

Jollydo.. I'm really pleased to find other people are actually 'sticking their necks out' and standing by their beliefs on this issue!! So will your ds remain in a preschool setting or at home in september?? When do you anticipate considering school, even on a part-time basis?

I, personally, think it's really silly when people talk about mollycoddleing, because a mum feels a just turned 4 year old is not ready to go to school yet....honestly... a 4 year old is really still a rather little child, that surely can't be mollycoddled all that much. It is such a silly notion, it really is.....honestly children, in other school systems fare rather well by starting school later....just because it's the norm in the UK doesn't make it such a great idea.

Also people mention the whole agegap when people delay reception....well...my youngest turned 4 today and starts September reception and my friends little girl starts recpetion and will be 5 on the 1st or 2nd of September....so, really would anyone really notice if a n August child was going to start next year in Reception....Flynn would only be a few weeks older then the other wise oldest child....really don't think anyone would notice that.....

Incidently, I started rather late even for german standards....I turned 7 after a few days in school....but, was a child at that cut off point and that preschool- readiness examination by Healthproffessionals etc. felt that I would benefit to stay home a bit longer. I was never teased for that reason and I don't think anyone really noticed...I just was always one of the oldest....but someone has got to be....!

Saying all that....having been able to be more involved in the reception year with ms...they did a lot of Stay and Play sessions, etc....I have been able to get a better idea on how our Primary school works and in this school it is mostly playing and not much different from Nursery....just longer days.....but, a private school might be stricter, etc...I wouldn't know...and that might be OP's worries?

I, personally, think it's really silly when people talk about mollycoddleing, because a mum feels a just turned 4 year old is not ready to go to school yet....honestly... a 4 year old is really still a rather little child, that surely can't be mollycoddled all that much. It is such a silly notion, it really is.....honestly children, in other school systems fare rather well by starting school later....just because it's the norm in the UK doesn't make it such a great idea.

Also people mention the whole agegap when people delay reception....well...my youngest turned 4 today and starts September reception and my friends little girl starts recpetion and will be 5 on the 1st or 2nd of September....so, really would anyone really notice if a n August child was going to start next year in Reception....Flynn would only be a few weeks older then the other wise oldest child....really don't think anyone would notice that.....

Incidently, I started rather late even for german standards....I turned 7 after a few days in school....but, was a child at that cut off point and that preschool- readiness examination by Healthproffessionals etc. felt that I would benefit to stay home a bit longer. I was never teased for that reason and I don't think anyone really noticed...I just was always one of the oldest....but someone has got to be....!

Saying all that....having been able to be more involved in the reception year with ms...they did a lot of Stay and Play sessions, etc....I have been able to get a better idea on how our Primary school works and in this school it is mostly playing and not much different from Nursery....just longer days.....but, a private school might be stricter, etc...I wouldn't know...and that might be OP's worries?

Jemimap - yes it does feel better to know that others feel the same way. I think a lot of people seem to agree that 4 is unnecessarily young, but either don't know they have a choice, or are worried about the 'missing out' aspect.

My ds will stay at home for now, he hasn't been to pre-school but if he did I think we'd carry on with that if they allowed it.
We're not sure about what will happen next! We started off thinking he'd begin school when he was 5 next April, and I do think he will be much more physically and emotionally ready by then. If we do that, ideally he'd start part time. However, once I realised that we could home educate beyond 5 if we want to, we've been seriously considering that too. I really like the idea that he can continue to learn at his own pace, without 'formal' teaching of reading, writing etc. before he is ready - like they do in so many other countries. It will depend on him and how he's getting on, what he wants etc. (He might be desperate to get to school next year for all I know!)

I know you're not really thinking of keeping your ds at home that long, but I know with mine I think that even starting that little bit later, end of reception year or beginning of year 1, would be better than starting now when he clearly isn't ready. I hear (and read on here) so many people saying their children were exhausted when they first started school, and I really can't understand why we need to put 4 year olds through that. But I know lots disagree with me.

I think parents suffer quite enough by being hemmed in by term-times and holidays. To start all that at 4 seems totally uneccessary. I am really annoyed that the headmistress of dd's new school will not allow more than a week off school for a 4 year old who legally doesn't even have to be there till they are 5. This is for government attendance tables, not for the child and nothing to do with education.

In my son's school they had the youngest part-time until the middle of November. They made it very clear that children could go part-time for longer if the parents and/or school thought it appropriate. However, that's a state school. My son is an autumn born and had 3 weeks of part-time. A friend at a private school whose son's birthday was March was full-time from day one. Do you have any good state schools in your area - perhaps that would be a better option at this stage? A school that is inflexible is not the right school. I don't think you should hold him back until year one - he'll miss out on making friends and reception is a very valuable foundation for year one.

I would ask the HT how she thinks forcing your son into FT school before he is ready will benefit his education and development. Tell her how other schools deal with the issue but be prepared to be surprised about how well he copes as well - things may be fine!

Remember that comparisons with systems in Germany and Scandinavia can be a little misleading - they do start school later but they go to kindergarten earlier which is far more like reception than playgroup with a little less structure and more play. And school is a lot more serious than reception - they go straight into formal learning with a lot less play than our reception/primary one year.

dd2 is 4 on Aug 27 and socially I think will be fine at school

BUT she has the attention span of about 3 seconds so god help her teacher, that is all I will say

her friend turns 5 on Sept 21st, so 11 months difference in age

if she is tired though I will keep her off school, I have no qualms on that score and did the same with dd1 who was an October birth so one of the older ones

Jemimap,

You're paying for private school. They should be falling over themselves to let you do the obvious best thing, which is to start him in reception next year.

cant you stay in a nursery setting till 6 if you want? proper montessori schools are till six, then the next montessori stage goes on from there... or you can switch systems into whatever you like at that point.
as long as they are in FT education by the right age its up to you what system theyre in i think. an environment geared towards 2-5/6 would be nicer for a 'young' 4yo, than bottom of the age range in a bigger school possibly, no?