A bit cross about teacher telling me DS2 had hit another child today.

[Squirdle]

DS2 (aged 5) is soooooo placid and gentle and doesn't even hit his very annoying 3 yr old brother. However at school there is not a day that goes by without someone having hit him, pushed him, name called.

Today the teacher spoke to me saying DS2 had thrown his toy aeroplane at another child this morning and pushed him this afternoon.

Obviously I have said I would speak to DS about this, but I did say that it was very out of character for DS to do this. I also added that I was now worried that because DS has often been hit and pushed (mainly by the boy involved in the incidents today btw) he is now thinking that is what he needs to do.

So, after school I spoke to DS. It turns out that they were playing a game to see how far they could throw thier toys (they are allowed to take one very small toy to school) DS threw his and the other boy ran in front of him. An accident. The pushing incident was when lots of boys were play fighting (I'm not keen on this, but I am not at school) and said boy pushed DS, DS gently pushed back (as he thought it was a game) so boy shoved DS very hard knocking him to the ground.

Now, I accept these things go on in the playground and I am sure the teachers sort it out to the best of their ability, but I am really quite annoyed that my son who never hits and pushes has been in trouble today for what I see as an accident, but others who do it daily, deliberately get away with it. She spoke to me as she felt it was out of character for DS. Does she speak to every parent whose child hurts another every day? I know she doesn't!

I have a good mind to speak to her tomorrow and say that I think she was unfair yesterday and that if I were to go in every time someone hurt DS I would be practically living there.

I had to speak to the other teacher last week (job share) about my neighbours son (in the other reception class) as he has been pretty horrible to my son at school. They haven't spoken to my neighbour about it.

It just seems that the nice children like DS only get noticed if they do something wrong, but the naughty ones get away with it. And I'm fed up with it.

Ok rant over

Well, perhaps she was telling you because she was concerned your DS was behaving out of character, and thought you ought to know about it? If I was you I'd probably have a word with her tomorrow and ask what she is doing to stop the children from doing this.

I think you are over-reacting tbh.

She just told you of an incident that's all. I would be wary of going in tomorrow and making it into a bigger deal than it is. Besides, 5 yr old's versions of events aren't always entirely asccurate.

How was your DS actually punished for his behaviour? Surely informing you about it doesn't actually constitute punishment?

Oh, and in my experience, it's rarely one sided at this age. I bet your 'placid' child gives as good as he gets.

She probably raised it because it was out of character and she thought you'd rather know, wouldn't you rather be told? On the odd occasion ds1's teacher has come to tell me he's been a bit of a nightmare he has without fail developed a temperature that night! I'd rather be warned.

Yes, I am sure that is what she was doing, but what I am trying to say is that as she knows DS, why didn't she look at the bigger picture and maybe realise that it was probably an accident.

I just feel the message my son is getting is that anyone can hit or push him without any consequence, but he can never do anything out of turn. He needs a confidence boost as it is, this doesn't help.

Because she didn't know it was an accident, and she can't assume that just because a child behaves well most of the time, that child will never do anything naughty. Then she will get accused of overlooking bad behavior when it's a good child and coming down hard on the ones who really struggle to behave.

Overmydeadbody, DS definately doesn't give as good as he gets. I know my son and he doesn't hurt other children. He is also incredibly honest as the teacher has said this afternoon.

Colditz, yes you are right and I'd rather know, but I do get fed up with DS getting hit at school. I however wouldn't go in complaining every 5 minutes as I know boys will be boys and it often is overexuberance on the boys parts arther than bullying. (Neighbours son is a totally different matter though)

Do you know for a fact that the other child/children's parents aren't informed when they have hit/pushed your DS?

Yes I can see her point and I do feel she handled it the only way she saw fit.

They don't really get punished at this age anyway, DS said that he and other boy had a chat with the teacher and said sorry to each other.

I have said to DS that he does need to be careful at school and that maybe play fighting isn't a very good game to play.

But FWIW, I do believe DS.

Yes MrZ I do. This boys mother is always one of the first out of the school gates at the end of the day, so she definately isn't told. Also as I said my neighbours son is a culprit (but he is very personal about it) and instead of going to neighbour as I don't really wnat to cause trouble there, I went to the school and asked them to keep and eye on it. Neighbour and I chat a lot and she has mentioned other incidents at school but not this. I know they don't say who the child has hurt/bullied generally.

and remember that to the teacher it will always be a case of

my boy had an accident
your boy hits
their boy is a vicious terrorist who should be expelled

So there really is no need to bring it up again tomorrow is there?

How do you know that the other children's parents aren't informed? Have you asked them? Just because the teacher doesn't speak to them at the end of the day doesn't mean she doesn't speak to them ever.

I know for a fact that my ds' reception teacher speaks to parents at all times of the day re their children's behavior, especially if that behavior is a real problem.

Tbh I think you sound a bit precious. All children misbehave sometimes. Even those we think never will.

Twiglett that's what I thought when I read this.

OverYOURDeadBody, I think you are right. I am just blowing off steam atm

Like I say, I know boys can be rough at this age (I'm sure DS3 will not be a little innocent when he starts school) and I accept that it isn't bullying. But with the case of neighbours son, something needs to be done now as he does have the potential to become a bully if the ground rules aren't set now. It's not just me who thinks this and I know him very well.

Saying that, he can be a very sweet endearing boy at times and I am very fond of him then.

Wannabe, we will have to agree to disagree on that one I'm afraid DS2 can be mischievous, but he would never deliberately hurt another child. DS1 was the same...DS3 is not!! If that seems precious then so be it!

But you really don't know that nothing is being done wrt this other child's behavior.

There is a child in my ds' class who has a similar reputation to the one you are talking about. He has been known to hit, kick, strangle other children and many parents have been in to complain about him. And sadly the word gets around and this poor (not even 5 year old yet) little boy has a reputation for being a naughty thug who should be avoided at all costs.

But what the playground parents don't know is that he is currently being assessed for sn. And a lot of the behaviors described above are as a result of frustrations he has been experiencing.

And the reason why this isn't common knowledge is because one of his parents is in total denial and refuses to acknowledge there could be a problem. So it has taken an awful lot of talking by the school to even have the assessments made, and only now is this child receiving support, and his behavior has improved radically.

But sadly he already has the reputation.

So never assume that the school are doing nothing. Because you really don't know.

its always hard the first 6 years of primary{lol said a bit tongue in cheek] the sad fact is that children who dont push back dont get treated any differently and indeed can get known as 'wimps' im not saying this to be cruel my ds1 is a gentle lad but hes learnt to push back ds2 who had no messing from the start will admit readily if hes fought back- neither of my 2 eldest boys start a fight(even teachers recognise this) but they wont stand there and let it go and i think in todays society particularly where i live kids do have to stick up for themselves a bit.

having worked in schools and from experience with my ds1 even the most gentle of children can turn- so teachers can never say never really.

years ago (im 33) teachers seemedto have greater control i dont now why maybe respect maybe fear but i remember mrs wilkinson threatening to 'bang heads together' nd that was enough to stop our pushing and shoving antics.

i dont think you sound precious just perhaps new to the schoolyard lol ,let it go and see what happens next

"DS2 can be mischievous, but he would never deliberately hurt another child."

Does the sun shine from his ar$e?

Prehaps there has been times that your son has provoked the children who hit. It happens quite a lot of in school that the so called "innocent" child has wound up the other child and is partly to blame for being hit.

really tired i think the op meant hes typical boy but not malicious - we all know our own children indeed ive met several mums who would readily admit their sons and daughters would torment and cause problems,clearly a lot of us posting have more experience of playground politics lets not criticise a newcomer shes got years of this ahead

How do you know for sure that the teacher hasn't spoken to the other mother. She may have phoned her or he may have a home school book...

Typical boys do get into fights. Its unfortunate but very normal.

Children do make mistakes and aren't perfect. Part of being a parent or a teacher is to show children that there is a better way of dealing with disputes.

I think it has to be remembered that the teacher is unlikely to biased.

If we have continual bad behaviour we phone parents when an incident occurs or send a letter asking parents to come in during the day so because you haven't seen the teacher speaking to the parent at the school gate it doesn't mean that she hasn't.

Ok, I think I have now said a few times that I have accepted and always have accepted that boys will be boys and can be rough without being nasty.

Reallytired, I actually find your comment quite offensive.

I am not a newcomer, I have been here for quite a number of yrs FWIW.

I am not new to the playground, I have a 14 yr old son, who coincidently was also taught that hitting and punching others was not acceptable and who is very popular and very caring and an altogether fabulous teenager.

As Windygales says, we all know our children.

He doesn't provoke other children, I know he doesn't. He won't push back or hit back because the school rules say 'you are not allowed to'

I think I need to get Whoops, BillySitch, Psycho and Flame on who all personally know DS2.....not that I have anything to prove

Right.

Breathe

Squirdle Jr is indeed the placid little dude she says. I have never seen him push, hit, snatch or anything else (), and that is normally with my various other children provoking him in one way or another!

With this incident - I agree that the teacher probably told you because it was out of character.

But I can see that you are upset about how he has been treated for the rest of the year. Do the classes shuffle round next year? If they do, I think I would leave it and start afresh in September. If not, then you need to make sure that something is being done - even if it is the SN assessment etc.