I knew it would happen one day and now I'm a little bit upset re. PFB (7 yr old) primary situation and need very serious talking to please

[eekamoose]

Out and about with DD and two of her best friends from school at weekend. The two best friends were talking about the Rainbow Fairies books and how many they have:

"I've got 5"

"Well I've got 6"

"Well I've got 7, actually"

"Oh no I've just remembered, I've got 8 actually" and so on.

DD has none of these books and I'm not sure she's ever read one, don't think they have them at school.

Anyway, in a quiet moment DD says to me "Mummy I feel left out because I don't know what they're talking about". Feels like a physical pain in my heart to hear this but about a year ago a good friend of mine warned me off the Rainbow Fairy books, she said they were so dull they'd make you want to cry.

Now I do not want DD to feel freakishly left out but nor do I want to buy endless (hundreds?) of rubbishy books just so she can be "in with the in crowd".

Am aware that this will be the first of many dilemmas I face as parent re. conforming/not conforming. I told her that I thought that the Rainbow Fairy books were boring and too young for her.

But should I have just swallowed my own middle class literary pride and bought her a few from e-bay?

Am so grrrr grrrr and grrrrr that manufacturers and marketers can so cynically churn out collectable items like this just so 7 year olds can compete with each other ...

I checked and dd has two copies of both Ruby and Amber the Orange Fairy.

Now what I object to is the Eugenia something book by Geri Haliwell. I mean, Geri Haliwell writing books.

However as we were on holiday and she was spending her pocket money I let her buy it.

swallow your pride - they are daft and sweet and dull but they are about fairies and little girls, in general, like that.

Sobernow, sounds perfect

Well, I don't think YABU
feeling left out because some other people are talking about something you don't have - well, that's just life sometimes, isn't it? I would think it would be better to help her find skills to get through this sort of moment (which is never going to go away, this sort of crap goes on ALL through life), rather than just saying "oh darling we will fix it by buying the thing."

The fact she hasn't read any of these books in the past obviously hasn't excluded her from the social group, has it? These are her two best friends so it isn't essential to have read these books to be in their circle of friendship. I think it would be much better to say something like "yes I know what you mean, it is easy to feel left out if other people are talking about something you don't know about, but there are lots of other books you could talk to your friends about, aren't there? And you don't have to like everything the same as they do."

Bizarrely, I had almost exactly the same situation with my DD (6) last week. She came home saying she wanted to buy a RF book because everyone was reading them at school and, more to the point, was playing RF games at lunchtime and she wanted to join in. Although she does have good friends she is very quiet at school and I didn't want her to feel left out.

I do loathe the idea of Rainbow Fairies - girly bad-written pap - and the thought of ever having to read them fills me with horror. But I swallowed my pride and borrowed two from the library, which she was thrilled about and just hoovered up as soon as she came home. I decided to do this because 1) she is an independent reader so I don't have to read them to her, 2) she does read a good range of children's books anyway, 3) I didn't want her to be left out of something that is relatively innocuous, 4) I would be being a hypocrite because I enjoy reading trash sometimes and 5) most importantly I want to save my firepower for more important battles involving girls and premature sexualisation through consumerism .

My guess is that her heart belongs with animals and not fairies and that she will soon get bored of them. It will be interesting to see what your DD does.

Agree, procrastinator: "I want to save my firepower for more important battles involving girls and premature sexualisation through consumerism". THAT would be High School Musical grrrrrr!

oh, yes, (reading last 2 posts)
if you think they are fairly harmless then why not indulge her? but my point is that you don't HAVE to just because she might feel left out otherwise
I don't think that should really be the main factor that you base your parenting / consumer decisions on

Well it's not the fact that they are about fairies that bothered me. Or even Jack Frost, the goblins and the stupid weather vane. They were just written in a way that I found very boring.

I had to listen to dd read me every single RF book aloud in English. If she had just read them to herself, I would have been totally unfazed by them I think. But then unfortunately she discovered them translated into German in our local library...

Oh the joy

I very much agree with your point Franny - I don't think our kids will ever resist consumer or peer pressure unless we help them, and more importantly model it to them.

blueshoes: my heart sinks at the thought of HSM. Will continue to run very fast past HSM stuff in the shops for as long as I can ...

Awful merchandise aside HSM is actually a great film with very catchy songs, an appropriate message (it's OK to be a geek or like stuff others don't)and anything that encourages kids to either go to the theatre or become involved themselves is a good thing.

We don't have HSM in our house either.

It's a fine line isn't it between developing independent thought, and turning your children into weirdo misfits. Sometimes I look at 8yo dd1, who's very much an individual, and am very proud of her. but then occasionally I do wonder if I'm encouraging her to be a bit too different.

This is especially true when I read those mumsnet threads on "what to buy for an 8yo girl". My 8yo girl appears to live on a different planet from the children on those threads.

It is an intriguing issue, this peer pressure/vs independence thing (and I still want to know where eekamouse's dd sits on the continuum generally).

I have a dd (also 7) who will bouncily join in with pretty much anything at all that anyone else is interested in (there was a mass class outing to a HSM performance, eg; and she loves her Sylvanians, and she reads her Rainbow Fairy books) - she is an inveterate "joiner-in", altogether - but she is completely and utterly uninfluenced by the pressure dynamic. The only time she's repined a bit about feeling left out was when everyone else had a prescribed uniform hat & hers was still on order. (Which I think is fair.)

Example: when they were learning a "teddy bear" dance at ballet, dd chose to take in as relevant prop her very beloved, unglamorous, utterly graceless, plush HIPPO toy. I really did think she might have felt awkward, or even get teased - but no: and apparently it meant that another little girl then felt secure enough to bring in her ladybird

I don't have any answers as to where dd's security (is that what it is?) comes from - though I think it may have to do with that endless joining-in enthusiasm - so if you are someone who likes doing, or who does, everything, then you don't get to feel stuck in any sort of identity corner.

Any other theories welcome!

Bink, I think your dd and my dd2 would get on v. well!

Dd2's preferred schoolwear consists of a scruffy pair of shorts and a PE t-shirt with the logo of her older sister's former school on it. Comments regarding the nice dresses and skirts that all the other girls wear are like water off a duck's back. Though she does like a nice sparkly hairband.

Don't know if this has been said already but you could borrow some from a library. Our local one has loads. DD is allowed 1 RF book everytime we go out of her 4 choices.

My mum warned me when DD1 started school, never to have 2 friends over at once because 3 girls together is a recipie for disaster, competitiveness and 'ganging up'! Your DD sounds lovely - many 7 year olds would have been much less emotionally mature and simply reacted with "Mummy get me those books now"!

I understand your dilemma.

As others have said, peer pressure is an increasing feature as children grow older, and it takes a strong-minded and self-confident child to turn their back on a fad.

Ds went on and on and on and on and on and on about some stupid trading cards that everyone else had at school. He admitted that he only wanted some because he was left out at playtimes. Eventually I capitulated and bought a couple of packs. Ds then admitted they were rubbish and he was sorry we'd used up treat money on something so useless.

Get a fairy book, and read it to your dd in your most boring, unanimated voice to try to put her off.

Then gird your loins for one day in the future, "But everyone else is allowed to drink lager on the common at 3am..."

I choose my crap in a choose your battles kind of way.
I let some things go but DD knows there are some things that I just draw the line at

Put an ad on Freecycle - I bet someone has some they'd be delighted to pass on!

RF are really not the worse of it and using the library avoids that collecting for the sake of it obsession.

As for being left out - I understand the pang but it's all part of growing up...
We don't have TV, which DD1 (aged 4) doesn't fully realise, as she watches the occasional programme on iPlayer. However, she starts school in September and will surely discover what she's missing pronto. Not sure we can withstand the pester power on that one...

Oh this has moved on a bit since last night.

The content of the books is not what really bothers me (I don't mind her reading trash, she reads widely) and yes, when I said I will get her some, this does of course mean getting them from the library, or second hand.

My resistance has to do with my own deep-seated desire to boycott something so cynically manufactured and marketed. A product whose success relies so heavily on pester power. What need is there for so many of them? Same with Littlest Petshop toys. And on and on.

And, also, I don't think its a healthy message for our children to say "yes you can have something just because everyone else has". I am trying not to raise madly consumerist children but I fully accept that it is a very difficult path to tread (think maybe mixing metaphors there) which I why I posted for advice.

DD is very popular at school and has some really lovely friends. Her friends with the Rainbow Fairy books were not deliberately excluding her the other day, she just felt left out because it was not a shared experience.

She is 7 and a half and this is tbh the first time I've encountered pester power. In my heart I'd align myself with Franny and Fennel's point of view, but my head says I should properly listen to the majority of you who think otherwise.

I honestly empathise with your feelings about manufactured "literature". I think most of us would agree that interminable series of books written by the metre under pseudonyms are a dismal publishing phenomenon of recent years.
Be assured that a keen young reader soon acquires the maturity of mind to spot when they are being conned/manipulated. So long as you also make "better" choices available to her, and talk to her about books and reading, she will move on from these books quite quickly, I bet.

eekamouse, sounds sensible.

My further thinking is not to ban the materials, because that would create a forbidden fruit desire and give the books bigger significance in your dd's eyes that they deserve.

But to borrow (from library or friends) instead if you don't want to add to the coffers of a cynical organisation. And your dd being a sensible girl, fruit of your loins and all, will eventually come to her own realisation that the books are utter tripe.

The most sensible thing is to let her choose what she reads and make up her own mind.

Sounds like something niece would love. Anything with fairies etc. She gets a magazine on Saturdays, Glitter Fairies or some such fun.

I've never seen HSM (daresay she'll make me sit through it one day) so have no idea what it's like.