Will you move your DS to a secondary where he will know NO-ONE?

[teslagirl]

It's what we are thinking of doing. I'm very happy with his juniors- he's at the end of Y4 now, though I have to say, the 2 good years we've had have been mixed Y3/4, same group of eight Y4s, whereas the school are trying to make pure Y5 classes in Sept and I actually don't like a lot of my DSs Y4 boy-peer group (they're ones who haven't been in DSs class for 2 years, now)! They're the junior versions of the type of young teenagers you see hanging around outside the co-op, shouting obscenities, smoking and generally being intimidating... already, outside school it's f this and c that, from time to time (and this is a supposedly 'nice' little market town!).

He has some good mates at the school but I have to say that one is a girl and that friendship is on the wane and the others- well, apart from one, the boys by and large don't come from academically aspirational families. They'll be OK as they'll all join the same building firms their dads work for. I have absolutely no problem with this except I know this isn't where my DSs are heading, or, more to the point, if they do become hod-carriers or storemen, I want it be be their choice not the result of there being 'no choice'.

I actually daren't mention this to any of the boys mums as I know they'll think I'm up myself (AM I?!). DS2, on the other hand, his peer group are far more 'middle class' and we already discuss the merits of this secondary against that- the DCs are 7!

Trouble is, DS1 is quite shy and a bit introverted. I'm less concerned about pulling him away from his mates (esp as with some spectacular relationship breakdowns amongst the parents, several of the DCs will be scattered to the winds, educationally when mum goes to live with whoever is currently 'uncle') but I do worry that he will (hopefully) be going to a secondary with loads of DCs who have known each other since they were 4. IS this a legitimate issue? Also, these DCs will, to a certain extent come from appreciably wealthier families than ours (we're talking Winchester, here!) many of whom will own 5 bedroom homes IN Winch, whereas we rent 8 miles away and may have to be quite proactive in getting DS IN to the school(s) concerned.

I'm beginning the trawl around the five schools (2 are local and are just being visited in the interest of a fair comparison) next month as IF we do decide to go for a school with a strict catchment, we need to be in catchment 15 months hence.

What do you think?

Well my DS is about to go to a secondary school with only 5 children from his primary and almost all of the rest from one other school. He's not bothered (or he say he isn't) but I wonder if he will struggle. I posted about this here and everyone was encouraging. I think that only time will tell.

I don't think I'd choose a school just to get my child away from his peers though - there's have to be other reasons too.

My DD1 is currently in Year 4 and wants to go to the girls' grammar school about 20 miles away. She probably won't know anyone as I don't think anyone else from her year or even her primary for a few years has gone there and entry is extremely competitive as it's one of the top schools, results-wise, in the country. She is extremely bright though and already working at above level 4/working towards level 5 in all her subjects, so her chances of getting in are apparently very good according to various people who know more about it that I do. So, we'll see. I think she'll do fine wherever she goes though and we have an okayish local comprehensive a five-minute walk away where DS1 already is and DS2 starts in September.

I went to a secondary school with only one other person I knew (& she wasn't a good mate, just someone from my old class) It was the right school for me & I settled quickly & made friends easily (my only caveat would be that there was a reasonably mixed intake - about 50% from one school, but then a lot from disparate schools, so there were a lot of people looking to make friends)

MY Ds moved house and school and started at his school as the only boy from his prep.
TBH the only issue was that a large group of boys who had arrived from the same prep. The school sensibly mixed the boys but didn't count on the parents who clung to each other with all the determination of a wilful group of toddlers.

Ds is very happy now and being able to visit friends independently has helped.
So, if you do this, be prepared to have to shoe your child in amongst parents who may have routines established with boys and other parents they know.

DD is now Y7 in a school where 3 of her friends went, but she is in a different class. School has a wide catchment area so there are several children who know no-one on arrival, but they really do make friends although it does take a while. Also old friendships can change dramatically. DD has retained her old friends but also made some lovely new ones.

Only you can decide whether a school is worth moving for.

Around here many of the primary schools are single form entry whereas the secondaries are 5 or 6 forms. It is inevitable that even if several children from a primary class go to the same secondary, there are unlikely to be more than 2 or 3 in each form. AFAIK, the secondaries deliberately mix them up to encourage them to mix more.

I went to a secondary which my parents had to work very hard at getting me into and no-one from my one form entry primary school went there.
I was fine even though in my first form class most of the children were from the primary next door to the secondary, so knew each other very well already!

DS was the only child from his school to get into the local Grammar, so yes - I did send him alone!

All the other kids were in the same boat. If kids came from the same school they were deliberately separated.

To be honest my chief reason for making the move would be to get my DS into a school with a stronger learning ethos and value system, and a better disciplinary record- and away, as far as I am able from the immediate influence of troublemakers!

Re the grammar school entry, that IS a bit different in that inevitably there will be tens of DCs who will be the only one or one of a very small number from their primary thus there will be many DCs will be in the same boat. Unusually, there were 7 girls who moved with me from a village primary to a grammar but the vast majority of DDs were 'only'ies' or one of 2.

It's perhaps a valid point checking to see how many feeder primaries there are to a school- or moving so DS can do a year or so in a feeder.

I would doubt we'd encounter the same issue of gangs of exclusive parents in the state sector, tbh. There are just too many of them (we're talking 10 form entries, here!)

I am doing this for my ds.

Our catchment school was in special measures up until recently and although it has come out there are lots of things that still worry me.

The head was (in my opinion) incompetent and has just "resigned" (with no notice hmmmmm) and it currently has an acting head.

It has money problems and was facing making a large number of teachers redundant. That was mismanaged, caused a riot by the pupils, the redundancies were withdrawn and the head resigned.

However I can only think that they were withdrawn temporarily as the budget problems wont go away even if they are saving the heads salary.

Also in our area we have issues with underused school places and the LEA has closed schools in the past and I have to say what with the recent past I think this school is in a vulnerable position so I dont want to be faced with him moving in a year or two.

I have agonised about splitting him up from his friends in primary school but I feel I have made the right decision in the long term.

He is one of only 2 of his class going to his new school and it is a worry. However this school has a much better reputation and I am sure it will be the best thing in the long run.

Do what you think is the best for your dc.

We moved house before my DD went to secondary (same reasons as you). She stayed at her primary and was one of a handful that transferred to her Comp, and she only took one friend with her. She however made soo many new friends very quickly and never looked back.

Which is why when DS wanted to try for the Grammar we were in the best of both worlds as if he didn't get in we were now in a fab Comp Catchment.

I actually wish DS had gone by himself, he went with 3 others. One used to be his BF however they are opposite ends of the spectrum educationally and in interests and also don't live close, so they have drifted apart, although still get on.
The other 2 have caused him a lot of problems traveling to and from school on the train and he felt so hurt at one stage he said he didn't want any friends and withdrew into himself a bit, but thankfully now coming out of it and making new friends.
I felt if he had gone by himself or just with BF he would have made friends at the beginning.

It is very common to go to secondary and not know anyone, so it should be fine.There is a great mix.
All my DSs went with most of their class but they all made new friends as well.
I was very shy and had to go to secondary school on my own and was fine-the 2 best friends I made at 11 are still friends today.

Dd1 is going to a secondary school where she will know noone. She is actively seeking to avoid everyone from her primary and is looking forward to a fresh start.

ds going to a school where he knows one child.
since making thedecision, we have found out that lady at the bottom of the road, whose son went to ds's primary three or four years ago, is also sening her ds there.
but basically, when we made the decision, he knew of no one else going to that school

This is hilarious.

It is a joke, right?

You're not seriously considering moving him because his friends aren't aspirational enough for your tastes?

You've already labeled them as pre-yobs, decided they are going to have low status jobs and you don't want your child getting the idea that a life of grime is even an option.

This is a good thread. Watching with interest.

DS could have been the only one from his school, as he went to a grammar school (same one as Milliways DS actually) - In fact one other boy did get in and as she says, they deliberately separated them in classes. I didn't worry much about the prospect of him being on his own & neither did he.

I moved my Son from an Infant School to a Junior school in a new area when I remarried.That was pretty hard for him as he'd been with his classmates since Playgroup.I did say I wouldn't do that to him again.However......

Three and a half years later we found ourselves moving again,as we now had 2 DD's, and needed a bigger house.

I managed to get him into a really good Primary school,for him to complete his 7 months of Year 6. I debated long and hard over whether to travel back and forwards to enable him to complete his Year 6 at his "old" school.

I decided in the end that he would probably benefit from 7 mths in his "new" Primary school making new friends,that would go to the Senior School with him.

This turned out to be a great decision,as he has found lots of new friends and settled really well.

Before all this,I was a Lone parent and had to move from Private rented to Council,in a "rough" area,I didnt care and still dont what other people think,I was determined that my DS would never go to the local schools,I travelled miles back and forwards to keep him at his old school.

At the end of the day,you try to make the best decisions for your DC's wellbeing and happiness.IME,they will settle and make new friends wherever they are usually,and sometimes it turns out even better than you hoped. Good Luck!

What is wrong with aspirational, SmugColditz?
Teslagirl wants a stronger learning ethos and value system and a better disciplinary. I would want the same for my DCs-I wouldn't want them dragged down by troublemakers.

Sorry disciplinary record.

Because you're talking about 9 year olds.

I never said there was anything wrong with it,just that it is hilarious.

For every poster reading this and replying "yahs, yahs, well we simply had to do something, he was starting to talk about being a train driver when he grew up, and his peer group look like they might start swearing (of course, I never caught them at it, but you can just tell, can't you?)"

There will be five other readers flicking through, snorting, grinning and moving swiftly on.

That's all.

Well, happy to amuse you, Smug. Hope the other 5 are being similarly entertained. And yes, one reason I want to move him (for his next school) is because I'm not at all impressed with what's on offer at the local catchment school. Yes, he is 9- two years older than the upper classes of old would have packed their DSs off to boarding school to make sure they were moulded in the way to which the family aspired! A lot of 'damage' can already be done by the age of 9: surely many of us have seen the 'poor little sod' from the dodgy background in YR and Y1 turning into the little sod in Y2 we'd like to steer our own DSs away from. I witness it in the way I see some of DS1's year group developing (see the OP). You really don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand the correlation between failing in school, effin' and blindin' in the local park out of school as you intimidate younger kids off the equipment and the short step to joining older brothers intimidating passers by outside the local Co-op, fag and lager can in hand.

If you put an impressionable 9 year old boy in amongst boys who ALREADY swear (reread my OP) and who are already under-achieving academically, there's a fair chance he will, to keep in wiv the guys, follow suit.

I'm perfectly happy if DS wants to be a train driver ( a well paid job with set hours and good overtime, a decent pension scheme, responsibility plus with good travel perks- why would I object to that?) but it needs to be a choice he makes when faced with many. What I don't want for him is, for example road digging, because it's dirty, heavy, body damaging work with a limited life span and few opportunities for career enhancement.

So sorry if you find my 'aspiration' offensive but I think you'd find the sort of boy I've just described MORE offensive.

I am with you teslagirl, the peer group is very important at that age. I have 2 friends with boys who were quite bright but easily led, they both wanted to be one of the 'lads' and it didn't do them any favours-it got them into trouble and they underperformed in GCSE's. Luckily they both did well enough to get into the 6th form and once the disruptive element had left they settled down, got on well with the staff and got good results.
You are doing the right thing to sort it out now. I see nothing wrong with a train driver as a job but I see a lot wrong with 9yr olds who already swear and are not interested in learning.
Of course it is easier socially to go to a local secondary school but it is only one of the factors to consider, if he has to travel he can make local friends through out of school activities like Scouts.