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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

letter about attendance

47 replies

TryingMyBestAgain89 · 08/12/2025 15:18

hi… i’m a bit shaken so sorry if this doesn’t make sense.

i got a letter from the school this afternoon saying ds4’s attendance is “a concern” and ds3’s is “dropping” too. it says they might have to “take further action” if it doesn’t improve. i just sat at the table and cried.

i know it looks bad. i’m 34 weeks pregnant now and some mornings i honestly can’t move properly. my hips are horrible and i barely sleep. the last couple of weeks i’ve had days where i physically couldn’t get out the door with them both at once. ds4 still cries at drop off and it takes ages. ds3 freezes when he’s anxious. i’m doing my best but i’m so tired.

i haven’t kept them off for fun. i’ve always called in. but i guess it doesn’t matter because now i’ve got this letter making me feel like i’m failing them.

i don’t have anyone to help in the mornings. their dads aren’t involved. my partner isn’t around much. i’m trying to keep on top of everything but i feel like i’m drowning a bit.

has anyone else had one of these letters? are they going to fine me? i’m honestly not being lazy, i just feel like my body is giving up on me and i’m trying to look after three other kids as well.

i know people will judge but i’m really trying. i just want to know if this means i’m in proper trouble now.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TheNightingalesStarling · 08/12/2025 15:20

To confirm, these are 3&4yos? So nursery and Reception, not even compulsory school age?

Original poster

TryingMyBestAgain89 · 08/12/2025 15:21

written with chatgpt since i always get judged here, hope that’s okay

OP posts:

Original poster

TryingMyBestAgain89 · 08/12/2025 15:22

TheNightingalesStarling · 08/12/2025 15:20

To confirm, these are 3&4yos? So nursery and Reception, not even compulsory school age?

they’re 5 and 10. reception and y6

OP posts:

calminggreen · 08/12/2025 15:26

Why isnt the ten year taking himself to school?

LIZS · 08/12/2025 15:29

Schools are targeted on attendance and hence children are. Have you explained why they are not in school? The inclusion officer may have ideas to support you and help you avoid further action. Do you have older children/partner who could assist? Could you afford a childminder to do the dropoff/pick up or wrap around care to allow you more time ? What does your mw say about the pain?

imabitjealousandembarassed · 08/12/2025 15:31

I'm really sorry to be harsh , and I'm.not judging you but your responsibility is to get them to school. No matter how hard it is

InTheNotswolds · 08/12/2025 15:32

You need to engage with the school and ask for help. Your children cannot be missing school due to your pregnancy. Surely things are going to be just as hard with a new baby in the house and you need to make plans for that too.

Elevenseconds · 08/12/2025 15:33

Missing the point but why doesn’t your ChatGPT put capitals in for you?

Separately, engage positively with the school, ask what support they can provide and role model to your children that you take attendance seriously. Your eldest is not far away from secondary and once you’ve fallen behind in algebra or Spanish, it’s really hard to catch up.

Original poster

TryingMyBestAgain89 · 08/12/2025 15:37

he's suspected asd and its 2 buses. oldest is at college so he can't take them. partner isn't around much. i can't afford a childminder

OP posts:

gogomomo2 · 08/12/2025 15:38

It is your responsibility to get them to school, if you physically cannot manage it you need to make alternative arrangements, a neighbour passing or at 10, the older one can take themselves to school, mine took the bus alone at 10 (normal bus not school bus) without issue as they changed to secondary at 10 here. The older one if responsible could drop off their sibling but this is very child dependent, not all are responsible enough.

too late now but how will you cope with another child?

Pearlstillsinging · 08/12/2025 15:39

Are you managing to get them into school, just late? Or are they taking whole days off? Please talk to the school explain what the problem is and ask if they can offer any support. It depends on the school who is the best person to talk to, do you have a good relationship with the Reception teacher, or is there a home/school liaison worker? Otherwise speak to the H/T but please do it ASAP. In general, schools prefer to work with parents, rather than sanctioning them but they need you to ask for help.

Tammygirl12 · 08/12/2025 15:39

How many children in total do you have?

Do you have a close friend or neighbour going to the same school? When I had just had my c section for third baby, my next door neighbour took my eldest to school for a while for me.

NerrSnerr · 08/12/2025 15:42

You need to speak to the school and be honest. Our school has a minibus and would support in this situation. You really need to find a way to get them into school.

cramptramp · 08/12/2025 15:44

It’s a standard letter and will be sent to the parents of all children who have attendance that has fallen to below a certain level. As others have said, arrange a meeting with school to tell them what is going on but you’re going to have to get them to school more often. Could your GP help with the pain in the mornings?

OneGreySeal · 08/12/2025 15:45

I’m sorry Op you have to get them to school, start building early good habits now. I feel for you because a lot of people have help and you don’t. 34 weeks is terribly exhausting. Get them both to school nice and early and come home and take a nap or relax a bit. Speak to the school and say you’ve been going through difficulty with your health but now intend to rectify this. You have to be pro active in this.

cestlavielife · 08/12/2025 15:48

Clearly you need to be honest and ask for help.
Do you work?
Tell your midwife.
It is your responsibility to get them to school but you can ask for help. Speak to the school.
What will happen when you have a newborn?
Maybe you can access financial help for childminder?

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 08/12/2025 15:50

How's it going to be better with a tiny baby? Come on op it's problem after problem with these kids. Have you actually engaged with any of the kids schools yet about all the previous problems?! Why are you still with your useless partner? Are you still sleeping on the sofa?

BoleynMemories13 · 08/12/2025 16:40

As other people have said, it is your responsibility to get your children to school (or make alternative arrangements if you are unable to do so yourself).

I'm not unsympathetic to your situation, but it's not right that your children are missing school because of your pregnancy ailments, rather than being poorly themselves.

School have a duty to track attendance and inform parents when it goes below a certain percentage. They will not fine you (not at this stage), but they have a duty to pass your details on to an educational welfare officer if things continue to spiral. They don't want that to happen to you, hence the warning letter. If things don't improve and an educational welfare officer becomes involved, you will risk a fine. It's quite likely that school have been recording your children's absences as unauthorised if you are the one who is ill. They can only authorise for the child themselves being ill. If educational welfare officers become involved, they will usually require a doctor's note to authorise any absence at all (even if your child is genuinely ill themselves) as it will have got to the point where the child has had so much time off that school can't simply accept your word for it anymore that they are ill. It's very rare for educational welfare officers to become involved, but it can happen if attendance reaches a certain cause for concern level with no sign of improvement, after letters warning that improvement is needed.

You need to be honest with school about why the children have not been attending. I don't just mean ringing in on the day (which I know you are doing), but asking to talk through your current circumstances with the school attendance officer (who is usually a member of SLT - at my school it is the deputy head). Say you need advice on what to do, and they will work with you to support you in finding ways to get them to school (which is mutually beneficial, your children need to be in school to learn and they as a school need the children to attend because they are judged against attendance targets).

Don't go fretting over fines just yet. See this as a wake up call. You have been struggling and have let things slide, but things need to improve. Your children can't afford for their education to be so disrupted because you personally are struggling to get them to school. You need to find other ways and means.

Work with the school on this, not against them.

SlenderRations · 08/12/2025 20:33

Do you take them in once you do manage to get up, or just keep them off all day?

Picpac876 · 09/12/2025 01:55

I think I recall some of your previous posts. Are you still sleeping on the sofa? That can't be helping things. Is it possible to get them into a closer school?

givemushypeasachance · 09/12/2025 11:28

"i’m trying to look after three other kids as well" - do you have 3 children at the moment plus are pregnant?

"their dads aren't involved" and "partner isn't around much" - yes am going to do some judging here, if you are struggling to single parent three children why are you repeating the pattern again with a new baby where "isn't around much" is your starting point for the dad

"he's suspected asd and its 2 buses" you're two bus rides away from the primary school your children attend?

JohnWickAteMyHamster · 09/12/2025 11:47

My daughter went through a really challenging phase where it was hard to get her to school and she had a lot of time off. We got an attendance letter which said it would be escalated to the Education Welfare Officer if it continued. Honestly? I would have welcomed some input from education welfare as I was at my wits end and the school were useless! It never happened and my daughter just had really poor attendance for a year 😳 we had to figure it out ourselves.

If you are genuinely doing everything you can to get them to school, then maybe "further action" might be helpful? I don't love how they've worded that for you but I wouldn't panic about it, work with the school and see if they can offer any support.

Overthebow · 09/12/2025 12:00

It’s your responsibility to get them to school, you can’t just not take them because of your own situation. It will affect their education and futures.

LIZS · 09/12/2025 12:04

Do you not think you are adding to their anxiety by erratic attendance? If you are physically struggling you need to ask for help or arrange another way of getting them there. Otherwise you will create a vicious circle of their reluctance and you opting out of your obligation to provide education because it is too hard, especially with a newborn. Even with the logistical difficulties you would have a few hours’ break by getting them there. Longer term it might be worth moving ds4 to a local school when ds3 moves to secondary. Does he have an ehcp so you are able to nominate a suitable one?

Saharafordessert · 09/12/2025 12:18

This is on you OP.
No matter how hard it is they really need to be in school. A regular routine will help them too. It’ll be equally as tough with a new born, just a different set of challenges so best to make good habits now.
Can you speak to your midwife about the hip pain? School/council for some transport solutions? Proactively help your children get to school rather than just say you can’t?

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