Son is really struggling

[Glitterballofdreams]

My son started reception class of primary school two weeks ago, and he hates it.

He cries at bedtime, wakes throughout the night upset and cries his way through the school gates. School say he is up and down throughout the day, but does get upset quite a lot.

Does anyone have any advice? We have kept a strict sleep schedule to give him as much rest as possible as the school day is so long and tiring at age 4.
Ive made him little soft heart shapes to keep in his trouser pockets so when he feels nervous or sad he can stroke them in his pockets. We tried drawing a heart on each others hands. Nothing seems to help, he is sad because he misses me and I am not in school with him.

It’s so upsetting, any advice is greatly appreciated

Oh I'm sorry that will be so tough, I felt my heart was breaking on day 1 when mine was upset.

Had he done any nursery/ pre school before?

Is school reasonable consistant, 1 teacher, PE on X day, library on Y? Hopefully he'll soon settle into it.

Its really hard when they don't enjoy it to begin with.

Did he do pre-school or nursery before hand? If not, it might just take a bit longer for him to get use to it.
Is he an older or younger reception child? Although my experience is age doesn't matter.

It is only the end of week 2 so for some children they need longer than that to settle.

It's so hard to see them upset.
While mine has always been very enthusiastic about new adventures (but he's been at nursery since he was less than a year old, so we never had to learn to transition really), I have seen so many of his friends going through it.
He's now in Y2 and I can tell most of the children who were so upset at Reception are now fine. They have built their friendships, know what to expect and know that mum/dad is always at the gate to get them at the end of the day.

Give it time, maybe try and organize a play date so he can get to know one or two children better, and then be at the gate with them in the morning (be strategic, pick one who walks in confidently).
Or ask the teacher to give them a home project, something he would be excited to bring to school the following day/week.

Also, sometimes children get into the habit of behaving a certain way with a certain person on a certain occasion (i.e. bedtime is lovely with me, but when dad puts him to bed - doing exactly the same things at the same time - it's like war). You could try to send him in just one day with someone else (a grandparent, an auntie, a family friend, you can invent whatever excuse) and see if you can break the habit a little?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.
He is a Covid baby, and we worked around the kids so that we bring them up. My husband works days and I work nights so that one of us is always around.
My son went to nursery 2.5hrs a day, it did take him a while to settle into this routine too.
He is familiar with the school and staff as our two older daughters both attended and he would do school runs, school plays etc with me.
He has a lot of familiar faces/friends from his nursery school in his class too.
I have been thinking maybe if someone else takes him he might go in easier, however I think he would just mask his feelings and get upset knowing that someone else would be taking him.
EDIT: he’s an end of March baby so not the youngest, our daughters were both summer babies and much younger starting school.

DD started reception last year, and there were a few kids like this- including one that used to try to abscond. Now they are in year 1, they have all settled and go in well.

Give it time, and, if you continue to be concerned, have a chat to the teacher.

The first term is tough even if they attend nursery/preschool, so lots of positivity, love and family time at the weekend is helpful. I also found things get easier when they start forming friendships and you have playdates/parties to go to outside of school and they become a part of life.

The first thing to remember is that it is emotionally healthy to be attached to your parents, so there's is nothing wrong with him being upset by being apart from you. Obviously that doesn't make it less horrid for you both when he is upset but it is not a worrying symptom of something it just means he knows how to make strong emotional attachments and that will serve him really really well throughout his life.
It may be too early in the term for this (and work may prevent it) but if you can go and do some helping at school that might help, counter intuitively. It seemed to sort of narrow the gap between home and school for my dd2 who struggled to settle. Really it is just time and patience and lots of love though, which you are doing.

This sounds tough. Do the school allow analogue watches? Perhaps you and your son could pick a fun one out together so that he thinks of you or gets comfort when he looks at it, and you could start to learn to tell the time so he knows when it is getting close to home time? Just an idea in case it may help.

Reception class TA here. I completely understand what you’re going through, I see it ever year, we always have a couple of children who struggle with the transition to school. I make a point of being at the door every day, greeting every child by name with a super happy smile and a cheery good morning and if I have a child who is wobbly I get down to their level and let them know what exciting toys I’ve got ready for them today. If they still struggle I also tell them we will play, eat lunch, play a bit more and then it’s hometime and they’ll see mummy/daddy again. This keeps the idea of the day nice and short. Perhaps you could ask for the same member of staff to greet your DS each morning so there’s that familiarity there? Tell the teacher/TA what his favourite toys are in class so they can get them out ready for him. Perhaps the teacher can ask him to do a special job like helping get the milk or sorting the book bags. These things usually help settle the children who are wobbly. But rest assured it’s completely normal for DC to struggle, it’s a big deal starting school and a lot is asked of them. I hope your DS settles soon, I’m sure he will.

Thank that’s lovely. Unfortunately his class teacher is leaving in the next couple of weeks so that will be yet another big change!

Feel like you did him a massive disservice by not helping him to settle more at nursery. He would be so much better off if you’d just sent him for full days not 2.5 hours. How is he supposed to go from 2.5 hours a day to full time school and be absolutely fine with it? If he’s struggling that much and you’re struggling with it too then you could always take him out til he’s 5 and try again but I can’t see how more time at home with you will help him settle more at school? Other option is you just home school him until he can bare to be parted from you which might be 18? Will you cope with secondary school or uni?

I think you just need to be breezy. Yes you’re going to school see you later

Wow Bastilee, how encouraging.

Hey OP, just wanted to say you’re not alone and I’m watching this post for ideas to support my dc1 who is also struggling with the change. She attended nursery and pre school for full days since the age of 1, yet she sounds very similar to your son and she is getting extremely upset about being parted from me in the mornings. Sorry if you’ve said this, but do you have a partner who could try doing a drop off? My DC is definitely better when my husband does drop off, so we are going to try that for a little while. They will get there! It’s so hard not to worry but it is still really early days and I think persevering with the routine will help them start to adjust and recognise what to expect etc.

you’ve got this!

Wow Bastilee! Not helpful. Generally boys are often more clingy than girls. It sounds as if his sisters are a lot older as you say they used to go to the same school so maybe he has had more attention as the baby of the family. No problem with this but possibly has made him slightly bless independent too. Girls are usually more independent anyway. There is no need for a child to be in full day nursery before school. This is a recent need with more mums working. Until a few years ago children only went for half days which gave them the chance to socialise and gain independence. It is good he has some familiar friends with him. As others have said I would try to get one of his little friends mum's to take him in and then you collect. I had this with my little boy at nursery at 3. He cried every time and had to be prised off me but when a friend took him he was fine. Or perhaps walk to the school with another mum and child in his class so they can go in together. Also can he have a special cuddly toy to keep in his book bag so he knows there is something from home. The teacher may not want a home toy out all the time but perhaps if he is particularly upset during the day he might be able to give it a quick cuddle.
I will also just add that the quicker you can let me go in the morning with a breezy smile the better
The more parents linger tends to make things worse. If it carries on more than another week maybe you could make a smile chart at home. If he goes in happily in the morning he gets a smile on the chart and at the end of the week if all smiles he gets a little treat

I used to work in early years primary school. Every year there were 2 or 3 children who struggled with settling in to school. In nearly all cases the kids were absolutely fine by the October holiday.

Hmm pretty harsh. I’ve been a parent for 18 years and have worked with children all my adult life. I have tried everything to make this transition as easy as possible but I don’t agree that I did my child a “disservice” by bringing him up at home, as well as him going to nursery to socialise and learn!!
Home schooling or keeping him out till he is 5 is not something I would consider as socialising is an extremely important skill to learn, and teachers can teach him things I cannot.

Thank you. Unfortunately my daughter left primary in the summer! Worst timing!
He is definitely more clingy than my other children, but is very independent so I know he can manage, it’s just he has to get used to the new routine first.
My husband starts work early and so is unable to do school runs, though he is very much a daddy’s boy so I think he would be worse if dad did take him! I guess it’s just going to take a bit longer than I’d expected.

You seem to be doing everything already that I would suggest. Have you read the invisible string together? I haven't but have seen it mentioned of these threads before. On the walk into school I would discuss all the fun things he will be doing and how boring your day will be.

Thank you, I’ve not heard of the invisible string but I will look into it.

Just to say that I bought the Invisible string to help my daughter (upon recommendation!), and she has started asking for it to be read a lot during the school week, so I do think she is finding comfort in the idea that those who love each other are always connected by an invisible string!

Not true. My DS was at nursery full-time for almost 4 years before starting reception a few weeks ago and he has still found it tough.

It's a huge change - different surroundings, adults and peers. You haven't done him any disservice OP. All kids are different and react differently.

Thank you x

Sorry but you keep repeating this crap. Those of us who have to send our kid to nursery are still BRINGING THEM UP. Lol my kids all did 3 days a week and I still brought them up at home so maybe knock it off being all smug?

I came to say that I have 3 and do think boys are clingier but if he’s your youngest and you’ve got this mindset that home is far better than any other setting is it possible you’ve let this slip? Could he have heard you talking to DH about how lucky your kids were not to be palmed up and brought up by nursery (massive eye roll here)

in terms of practical support social
modelling is often really effective at this age, try and chat to the teachers in a really positive way and if you’re able to go in show great enthusiasm in the things in the classroom.
let him see that Mummy thinks it’s a positive safe place and maybe he’ll think so too,hopefully by half term he’s settled in and this is all a distant memory ❤️

What the heck?! How ridiculous! How am I being smug? I have come here for advice, and in explaining that my son did not attend childcare apart from nursery is not showing off. Let me tell you- working 12.5hr night shifts and coming home to care for your kids is not for the faint hearted and it has been a huge struggle, however it was our choice to keep this dynamic going so that I could spend more time with my children and avoid childcare. I have never once commented that children who attended full time nursery were any worse off, I think this is a you problem, you feel jealous or guilty and that is also normal and fine too. I felt guilty not being there for dinner and bedtime, or when my children were up sick and I’m stuck in work, but a working mum is a working mum whether they’re working days or nights or send their children to day care or not really is a personal decision and matters to no one except the family. The only reason I mentioned it was to highlight that my child who is struggling, was generally always with a parent, and this possibly didn’t help.

Meh, I tried to help but you’re not really receptive to it so not sure this is a me problem. I was just commenting that you said twice you “brought your kids up at home” which implies some others don’t which is silly

Nah, you picked up on a particular turn of phrase and came in guns blazing when there was no need - so it does seem to be a you problem.

I followed up with practical advice but guess that’s negated by me not thinking her term was a good one 😂

I genuinely do hope you get sorted op, I think whatever path we all choose we all agree that there is nothing worse than seeing our kids suffer ❤️