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Primary education

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Toxic mum behaviour in dd class

50 replies

MumsiesF · 19/08/2025 12:28

Hi,
looking for opinions & maybe overreacting but have experienced behaviours of other primary school mums of dd classmates that I have never come across before! Generally I get on with ppl & other mums but dd not always liked, she’s only a child & may not understand certain social situations & may unintentionally sometimes make inappropriate comments. I don’t know if/what has been said to other classmates but I feel could have created tension between other mums who I may only know very much on a surface level but surprised at how toxic they can be. An example, one mum, dd used to play with her dd & had one or two play dates, but mum out of the blue was very abrupt towards me when I bumped into her at the school. Couldn’t figure it out so actively avoided her as thought she was extremely rude. Since then, she has given me dirty looks and at a class party she posted photos on the watsapp gp of my daughter jokingly holding onto the phone of her friend in one photo and in the nxt, friend taking back her phone. It may seem like nothing and coincidental but I felt she was trying to subtly paint dd in a bad light.

Another mum completely ignores me when passing although I have spoken to her casually a number of times. She will only speak to me when I am talking to a ‘trendy’ mum who she also knows. Recently there was a parents night which she was main organizer of. Pictures were put up on school website of the night and I was horrified when I saw the most unflattering photos of me taken at times when I wasn’t aware that I was being photographed (they did have an official photographer) & looking really unphotogenic at all angles. I can’t help feeling that this particular mum wanted these photos included which she would have been in a position to control due to the fact that she was one of the main organizers. Of course, she looked amazing in all the photos she appeared in. I have to say I cried when I saw them and felt so ashamed of my appearance. These mums are all extremely glamorous. I don’t know why ppl have the ability to show such hate towards others and to be so vindictive. I would never intentionally hurt another person so I can’t understand why this calibre of a school mum would find it so acceptable to treat another like this. Same mum , at dd graduation party, helped organise the event and at the end, I went up to grab some left over pizza. She was right beside me when I turned around taking a big bite and she said nothing, just gave me a dirty look and grunted at me as though I shouldn’t have taken any although the party was finishing and the kids had already helped themselves. I’ve never felt so low. I tried to pass it off with a light hearted laugh but she just looked disgusted.

OP posts:
LuckyNumberFive · 19/08/2025 12:34

So you ignore one of the mums but you're annoyed another of the mums ignores you? You're annoyed at the way you look in photos taken by a professional photographer? And you ate food prepared for the children at a party you didn't organise (and presumably didn't contribute to)?

Being an only child isn't an excuse for inappropriate comments. What is your daughter saying that's inappropriate?

I'm not clear on exactly what people are doing, from my perspective it just seems you're being over sensitive and judging these so called "glamourous" mums.

TaupeMember · 19/08/2025 12:40

I think they didn't choose pics the professional photographer had taken? I could be wrong.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/08/2025 12:43

What sort of things is your dd saying to other children?

Bananapotato · 19/08/2025 12:45

What age are these kids?

fthisfthatfeverything · 19/08/2025 12:46

What did she write when posting the photos of ur DD and the mobile phone??
The unflattering photos of you, were you in background or the main character?
Was the pizza open to adults?

Parksinyork · 19/08/2025 12:47

I think you’re seeing things that aren’t happening. I doubt that you’re important enough to them to spend energy looking for unflattering photos of you.

One person was a bit off with you, I would just assuming having a bad day or was preoccupied so you’ve ignored her since and now you’re surprised she is matching your energy and ignoring you.

MumsiesF · 19/08/2025 12:48

LuckyNumberFive · 19/08/2025 12:34

So you ignore one of the mums but you're annoyed another of the mums ignores you? You're annoyed at the way you look in photos taken by a professional photographer? And you ate food prepared for the children at a party you didn't organise (and presumably didn't contribute to)?

Being an only child isn't an excuse for inappropriate comments. What is your daughter saying that's inappropriate?

I'm not clear on exactly what people are doing, from my perspective it just seems you're being over sensitive and judging these so called "glamourous" mums.

The first mum, I didn’t ignore. I still said hello and tried to be civil when I saw her but just didn’t engage in conversation.
As for the party, we (all the mums) gave a significant contribution and all were already given a slice of pizza during the party which is fair enough. I only took another one at the end when there were still full boxes of pizza so didn’t see the harm, saw other mums doing the same. She just happened to be standing right behind me when I took a slice.

OP posts:
AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 19/08/2025 12:53

Ages are really relevant here.

MumsiesF · 19/08/2025 12:53

fthisfthatfeverything · 19/08/2025 12:46

What did she write when posting the photos of ur DD and the mobile phone??
The unflattering photos of you, were you in background or the main character?
Was the pizza open to adults?

Edited

She didn’t write anything, just posted them.
Also, yes pizza was eaten by other mums too and we all made a contribution. As for the school website photos, yes I was the main person and in my opinion, if a professional photographer had the final say of either putting up nice in focus photos rather than a blurred picture of me mid eating , I think they would go for the more photogenic one which was why I was so confused as to how those photos got even published.

OP posts:
indoorplantqueen · 19/08/2025 12:54

There a few things that are open to interpretation.
photos- we’re our own worst critic. Most people wouldn’t notice anyone else in a photo or think it’s unflattering. If she organised the photos it’s not surprising she chose the most flattering ones of her.

pizza- was this specifically for children or adults? If it was for children then I wouldn’t have touched it, unless an organise offered it out.

photo of your dc- I’m not sure what this means. Did she post a random photo of your dc taking an adults phone and then another of them handing it back. Was your dc in the background or the fights of the photo?

we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. You just have to accept that and move on.

MumsiesF · 19/08/2025 12:54

Parksinyork · 19/08/2025 12:47

I think you’re seeing things that aren’t happening. I doubt that you’re important enough to them to spend energy looking for unflattering photos of you.

One person was a bit off with you, I would just assuming having a bad day or was preoccupied so you’ve ignored her since and now you’re surprised she is matching your energy and ignoring you.

I never said in my original message that I ignore her. I try to avoid but if I am passing I will say a civil hello. She sometimes responds, sometimes doesn’t.

OP posts:
AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 19/08/2025 12:55

I think almost all of this is open to interpretation.

There doesn't seem to be a lot of talking going on.

ForFunGoose · 19/08/2025 12:55

‘ she’s only a child & may not understand certain social situations ’

Not an only child.

OP I think you’re giving off a weird vibe and being inconsistent with the other parents.
Honestly people don’t have time to give their energy to whatever version of you turns up.
Just say hi to everyone and stop overthinking everything.

FeistyFrankie · 19/08/2025 12:59

They sound quite passive aggressive but OTOH could perhaps just be unkind and thoughtless (so not necessarily doing these things to deliberately upset you). Are there other mums you can focus on who are friendlier and more welcoming?

NoMumLeftBehindLiz · 19/08/2025 13:00

I think it’s possible you are reading meaning into these gestures/group chats that just isn’t there. Ask yourself honestly if this is something you have been told in the past you have done in other situations. If you have anxiety or self-esteem issues your brain may be coming up with “worse case scenarios” to explain what is happening and constantly scanning for examples to support your theory (and ignoring examples that don’t). If this is the case it may help to talk to a counsellor about the roots of this.

If you genuinely do not have any past incidents of being told you have perceived criticism or dislike where none was intended towards you and no anxiety or self-esteem issues, then okay maybe it’s possible these women are unfriendly or judgmental.

Either way, the best course of action is to carry on being your normal friendly self and if anyone does not reciprocate then you simply shrug it off. They are virtually strangers to you and so their opinions are irrelevant.

LuckyNumberFive · 19/08/2025 13:00

MumsiesF · 19/08/2025 12:54

I never said in my original message that I ignore her. I try to avoid but if I am passing I will say a civil hello. She sometimes responds, sometimes doesn’t.

You said actively avoid, which is basically the same as trying to ignore someone?

MumsiesF · 19/08/2025 13:00

indoorplantqueen · 19/08/2025 12:54

There a few things that are open to interpretation.
photos- we’re our own worst critic. Most people wouldn’t notice anyone else in a photo or think it’s unflattering. If she organised the photos it’s not surprising she chose the most flattering ones of her.

pizza- was this specifically for children or adults? If it was for children then I wouldn’t have touched it, unless an organise offered it out.

photo of your dc- I’m not sure what this means. Did she post a random photo of your dc taking an adults phone and then another of them handing it back. Was your dc in the background or the fights of the photo?

we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. You just have to accept that and move on.

She posted pic of my daughter holding her friends phone and in the next pic it was the same photo but of her friend taking her phone out of dd hand which is fine because it’s the friends phone but why post 2 similar pics in sequence with the phone being the only difference? I would love to post pics to get opinion but obv can’t do that. This same mother also glared at me getting into my car one day randomly so I feel she is def off whether with me or generally odd. That is why straight away after she posted pics I felt there an agenda

OP posts:
Digdongdoo · 19/08/2025 13:02

It is not compulsory to be friends with mums from school. Seek out the ones who don't cause drama, don't cause drama yourself and don't give it too much headspace.
It really comes across like you're looking for reasons to be offended, don't do that.

TheRealGoose · 19/08/2025 13:02

I’m not really sure why you think it’s your daughter who is not liked, and I am also not really seeing all the bizzare behaviour. Seems your self conscious about your appearance and felt embarassed going back for more pizza.

Bananapotato · 19/08/2025 13:02

MumsiesF · 19/08/2025 12:48

The first mum, I didn’t ignore. I still said hello and tried to be civil when I saw her but just didn’t engage in conversation.
As for the party, we (all the mums) gave a significant contribution and all were already given a slice of pizza during the party which is fair enough. I only took another one at the end when there were still full boxes of pizza so didn’t see the harm, saw other mums doing the same. She just happened to be standing right behind me when I took a slice.

None of the dads paid?

MumsiesF · 19/08/2025 13:02

LuckyNumberFive · 19/08/2025 13:00

You said actively avoid, which is basically the same as trying to ignore someone?

Yes I actively avoid but if I don’t see her to avoid her, eg coming out of shop or getting out of car, then I will just be civil and say a quick hello and move on. It’s not the same thing, otherwise I would say nothing to her.

OP posts:
MumsiesF · 19/08/2025 13:03

Bananapotato · 19/08/2025 13:02

None of the dads paid?

😆

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 19/08/2025 13:04

I promise you you and your child are not important enough to other parents to go to this much effort to upset/annoy you.
It can feel at times that things are targetting you but its very unlikely, what is more likely is that you are seeing things that don't really exist.
Is your child possibly ND? Could you be?

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 19/08/2025 13:04

Are you going to tell us how old the kids are?

MumsiesF · 19/08/2025 13:07

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 19/08/2025 13:04

Are you going to tell us how old the kids are?

Kid is now 12 but this has been happening over the years. (Btw not an only child by the way and no problems with parents in other classes, in fact great friends with other DC class parents)

OP posts:
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