Toxic mum behaviour in dd class

[MumsiesF]

Hi,
looking for opinions & maybe overreacting but have experienced behaviours of other primary school mums of dd classmates that I have never come across before! Generally I get on with ppl & other mums but dd not always liked, she’s only a child & may not understand certain social situations & may unintentionally sometimes make inappropriate comments. I don’t know if/what has been said to other classmates but I feel could have created tension between other mums who I may only know very much on a surface level but surprised at how toxic they can be. An example, one mum, dd used to play with her dd & had one or two play dates, but mum out of the blue was very abrupt towards me when I bumped into her at the school. Couldn’t figure it out so actively avoided her as thought she was extremely rude. Since then, she has given me dirty looks and at a class party she posted photos on the watsapp gp of my daughter jokingly holding onto the phone of her friend in one photo and in the nxt, friend taking back her phone. It may seem like nothing and coincidental but I felt she was trying to subtly paint dd in a bad light.

Another mum completely ignores me when passing although I have spoken to her casually a number of times. She will only speak to me when I am talking to a ‘trendy’ mum who she also knows. Recently there was a parents night which she was main organizer of. Pictures were put up on school website of the night and I was horrified when I saw the most unflattering photos of me taken at times when I wasn’t aware that I was being photographed (they did have an official photographer) & looking really unphotogenic at all angles. I can’t help feeling that this particular mum wanted these photos included which she would have been in a position to control due to the fact that she was one of the main organizers. Of course, she looked amazing in all the photos she appeared in. I have to say I cried when I saw them and felt so ashamed of my appearance. These mums are all extremely glamorous. I don’t know why ppl have the ability to show such hate towards others and to be so vindictive. I would never intentionally hurt another person so I can’t understand why this calibre of a school mum would find it so acceptable to treat another like this. Same mum , at dd graduation party, helped organise the event and at the end, I went up to grab some left over pizza. She was right beside me when I turned around taking a big bite and she said nothing, just gave me a dirty look and grunted at me as though I shouldn’t have taken any although the party was finishing and the kids had already helped themselves. I’ve never felt so low. I tried to pass it off with a light hearted laugh but she just looked disgusted.

All just seems very dramatic. They're just school mums. Befriend other mums or just don't engage with any drama. All of these things can be total non-events. Just rise above whatever you feel is going on.

Look at the photos again? I will often send someone multiple photos in sequence if for example one child has their eyes shut in one and the other child in the other. Means each parent can pick the better photo of their child.

True

I mean this really gently but you seem to think you’re really important to them all, their prime focus that they do things just to rile you up, posting pics, glaring at you.

The reality is they probably didn’t give how you looked in the photos a second thought, very few people focus on anything other than how they look and then just post the rest, the photo of your daughter was likely just a photo of your child, again with no thought, all the dirty looks and glaring at you, is probably just people woth other things on their mind, it feels like maybe you felt embarassed going in for more pizza as you some how feel less than these women or intimidated by them, calling them glamourous and trendy.

the odds of you being their prime focus and having an agenda and all being out to get you is very remote indeed, and I don’t see anything which says your child is unpopular either, or it is in some way her fault.

do you maybe not work, are you prone to overthinking things. Potentially lonely?

Being an only child doesn't make someone socially inept. In fact I have found them to be very good at asserting themselves and making friends as they're used to it. They don't have a sibling to fall back on. Not that many kids even particularly like hanging out with their siblings.

Anyway, the rest of it sounds like you're just insecure. Someone stood behind you while you ate a bit of pizza. So what? You looked bad in some photos? So what again.

These people just happen to have children that attend the same school as yours. They don't hardly know you or care about you. Just make friends with people you actually have things in common with.

Goodness me, they're 12. And some of this must be years old?
Just move on, at that age my parents didn't even meet my friends parents.

I think we can work out that DD is 11 as mentions primary school plus graduation,

We shouldn't have to work it out though.

Plus, they 'graduate' from nursery here.

Nope I’m not UK based

I think you are over thinking most of this. Very few people have the energy to glare at anyone getting into a car. I have a resting bitch face do understand how this can be taken. Weird that your child was holding someone else’s phone at a party rather than joining in but few people would care about the photo. Are you projecting because it didn’t look great for your dc to do that? Maybe focus on teaching her boundaries and better behaviour.

I always look terrible in photos but once accepted, I look better animated 😂

How come you wrote in your op she was an only child and that’s why she wasn’t popular, that seems a very unusual mistake to make.

That’s exactly my point, it was weird for parent to post that pic of my dd because yes I felt it DID put her in a bad light!! That’s why I thought it so strange

My mistake, I wrote she’s ‘only a child’ not an only child. I can see how that causes confusion

Ah yes, I see..

Then why do these people matter to you? Focus on your true friends, stay away from those who bring you down.

Honestly though, I really do think you're making more of this than you need to. Nobody has done anything 'toxic', from what you've described. You're interpreting their behaviour as unfriendly, that's all. Within society we all have groups where our face fits and others where we do not fit in, for whatever reason. Clearly you don't fit in with these mums. Rather than lose sleep over it, just avoid social gatherings with them in future and focus on the parents of your other children, who you say to you get on better with. If your daughter is 12 now I really am wondering why you still need to associate with these women? Your children are not at primary school any more. Why are there still gatherings with parents?

This post has really confused me (not least because it's posted on the primary education group). I assumed the kids in question were 7 or younger! Clearly these events are not recent and you have no need to have anything to do with these other mums anymore. Move on.

Thanks all, just wanted to get a feel for opinions. Probably right to move on. Have deleted thread now

This.

I'm really sorry OP but the more you post, you sound like you're the problem here. Serious main character energy.

You seem to overthink everything they do (or don't) and say. You think they are actively acting certain ways against you. I'm really sorry to tell you that most people don't give you a second thought. They're too busy in their own lives.

The photo thing is totally subjective too. We always see the worst in ourselves. Other people probably think you look fine. Other people may not be keen on the photos of themselves, yet you probably think they all look great.

Posting photos of other people can be an awkward situation as you never know whether someone else will appreciate the photo of them being online (you might think they look fine but they may hate it). Even if you have a photo where you know someone isn't looking their best, by not posting it they may wonder why there are no photos of them and take that personally (when in fact you were just trying to save them from an unflattering photo being released to the world). Such a political world we live in!

There have been so many awful photos of me posted over the years. You need to grow a thicker skin. I don't think I've ever thought "they've posted that to be unkind" as it isn't up to other people to guess what my perception of a photos will be. They simply took photos and shared them. It's really not that deep.

I would imagine she posted pics of each child and that’s what she took of yours. I doubt it was malicious. I’ve learned that not everyone thinks like me and many people post photos of others with little thought.

I’d advise just caring less about this type of thing. You can’t control what other people think of you, you can’t know what they think, and you are likely projecting your own perception of yourself and others onto situations that don’t warrant it.

None of it sounds worth any headspace at all and I doubt the other people involved are giving any headspace to it all. Most people are just getting on with their own lives, not going out of their way to be unpleasant or toxic to others. Gently, no one is that interested in you outside of closer friends and family, especially acquaintances at the school gate.

There is no lower form of life than the bitchy toxic school mum. Normally someone with very low self esteem who is “offended” by other people doing something completely trivial that shows up all their insecurities.

Fortunately, not all are like that. Don’t waste a seconds thought on them. Just ignore them and gravitate towards the more mature and pleasant people.

My younger daughter has autism. No one ever believed it - even her year 6 teacher said to me "I don't believe she is autistic" despite her ehc plan and CAMHS letter of diagnosis.

People tend not to understand autism in girls. They often try to mask and it can come across as rude - they don't get it quite right and they are blunt, don't understand social cues, interrupt, don't understand social hierarchies, can't always see someone else's perspective...

My daughter got it wrong over and over. A mother of a girl in her class said to me that her daughter told her that they all understood that she said and did odd things but that she didn't mean anything by it.

But one girl in particular, who was the class queen bee, had a new sibling and was attention seeking and kept making out to her mother that my daughter was bullying her.

And the mother, who was the queen bee of all the mums turned some of the other mothers against both of us.

I hadn't realised until I went on a mum's night out and 5 mothers completely ignored me - I was sitting next to one and across from another, so it was awful.

I spoke to school. They assured me that my daughter was not bullying this girl. But the other mothers got nasty. One shouted at my daughter in the playground. Another phoned me up and ranted down the phone to me.

By this time the head was involved. She was furious with these mothers, had spoken to them, but they would not stop and there was only do much she could do.

Other girls and their parents were scared of upsetting the queen bee and her friends and my daughter wasnt invited to several parties, which all the other girls were invited to.

I was almost having a breakdown over it. In fact, a few months later, I saw the queen bee mum in the street and I had a full blown panic attack where I couldn't breathe. It is the only time it has ever happened to me.

My daughter went to a sen secondary school and I never had to see these parents again.

What i would say is:

I believe you
It gets easier after primary school where parents aren't so involved
Concentrate on the nice parents and ignore the clique

If this is a school web page I’d ask for the pictures of you and your Dd to be taken down and withdraw permission for images to be used on public pages!
The school should have a person choosing the pictures used, parents shouldn’t be deciding this!!

And I wouldn’t even bother saying hello to these awful women… if they’re staring smile & wave!!

What happened re the phone. Did your DD take the other parents phone inappropriately, and was made to give it back? Or, was she given the other parents phone for some reason, and was handing it back?