School move for one sibling – Anyone been in this position?

[TiffanyAtBreakfast]

Hi all,
We’re thinking of moving our Year 4 son to a new school and would really appreciate any thoughts or similar experiences.

He was happy in Years R–2 with lots of friends, but since last year he’s become increasingly isolated. He’s not into football like most of the boys, and has gone from being included to being totally left out—no party invites, ignored messages when I try to arrange playdates, and often spends breaks reading alone. He has one friend, but that child sometimes joins in excluding him too.

His teacher is lovely and acknowledged he’s struggling socially, but efforts to buddy him up with someone haven’t materialised. He’s outgoing and friendly, and has great friendships outside school (e.g. Cubs, NCT group), so it just feels like something about this class dynamic isn’t working.

There’s also a classmate who has actually been bullying him and physically hurts him in the classroom right under the teacher’s nose. Things have improved slightly since Easter due to the child moving onto a behaviour plan, but I don’t feel like my son is safe in the class, if I’m honest.

The problem is, our daughter (Y2) is very happy at the school and would be heartbroken to move. The new school may have space for her, but she’s very resistant. The logistics of two schools—same finish time, different inset days, two sets of dates to remember etc —would be tough.

Has anyone moved one child but not the other? It feels drastic but I hate the thought of my
son enduring two more years like this. I’m telling myself that when he moves to year 7 we will be doing the two separate drop offs anyway, so might as well start now… 😖

Probably important to add:

1. we have visited the school we plan to move him to, and absolutely loved it. I got chatting to a current year 4 parent who said the class are a real mixture of football-lovers and non-sporty types, so that’s promising.
2. my son is very keen to move.

It sounds like a good move for your DS but I really wouldn't force your DD into a move she doesn't want for the sake of her brother. It's a recipe for long term resentment if it doesn't work out, and understandably so. It's not impossible that she would end up in the situation your DS is in now, and then you will have sacrificed her happiness for the sake of your DS.

Does the new school offer breakfast and after school care that would enable you to juggle the drop offs and pickups? That would be my starting point.

Once your DS is happily settled, it might be that your DD could slowly come round to moving herself, if she can see some positives in it for her. But I really wouldn't force it on her.

Thanks for your reply :)

No you’re right, I don’t think I should move my daughter. I think I’m more just worrying about the logistics of two schools, plus my son making new friends in an established class (it’s one form entry). But even if he just makes a couple of friends that’d be better than the situation he’s in now!

Yes there is an after school club option (mornings will be fine as my DH and I can do one school each) which I’ve looked into and is affordable.

Easter isn’t that long ago, I’d give it to the end of the school year and keep working with the teacher till then before deciding to move for the start of the new school year if you do believe he’s unsafe. Kids change all the time. There is no guarantee the grass will be greener.

It's only 2 years, I'd definitely do it. Having struggled through 5 years of different settings due to ages of the kids (school did not have a nursery), I reckon if you can make it work, it's worth it for his and your happiness.

I had a similar situation. We moved them both - youngest was fine and happy but I had broader concerns about the school’s management so decided to cut our losses. I have to say I’m glad we did as the issues seemed to deteriorate further.

I think that sounds like a good plan then OP. The idea of having two children in two different primary schools does feel strange at first, especially when it isn't what you'd planned for. But you'll quickly adapt as a family and you are sending both your children a powerful message that you will always advocate for them. I know some people think kids should stick things out and build resilience, and off course that is true up to a point, but I think it is equally important to learn that when you've really tried to make something work but it just isn't right then it's absolutely OK to make a change.

I'd move both. Your DD will make new friends.

I'd keep DD where she is for now otherwise I can see it causing longer term resentment. Imagine if you moved DD and she started to have social struggles, girls can be pretty brutal socially as you hit juniors.
I wish we had moved DD but we kept her where she was because my DS was happy. I think it's really impacted her mental health in a big way.
Just be aware that one form entry is very cliquey and I don't think children are stretched as they would be with a wider peer cohort.

These issues have been going on for over a year so we have definitely given things time to settle down, and they aren’t.

Thanks for all of your replies. I definitely understand what people are saying about the class potentially being a bit cliquey and friendships are already formed etc. But I do also know kids LOVE a newbie. Both of my kids have ended up very close to late starting kids. So I’m hopeful!

I would move DS, and keep DD where she is.
It may be a tough adjustment for DS (experience is often mainly driven by cohort rather than anything about the school itself), but at least you are giving him a chance for a change and new environment. If it isn’t the magic bullet for him, well he will be moving on again in two years.
Don’t rock the boat for your DD if there is a workable solution to keep her where she is.

Hi,OP I did this.My son moved to a nearer school the summer term of year 2, so he was settled before year 3. He chose to do this as he was one of only 4 boys in two school years and he was and is v footy mad etc. It worked well for him. Daughter was in year 4 and stayed until secondary as she had lovely group of friends. The initial school were understanding and I was unsure but it worked fine all round.

I did two primary schools for a couple of terms. It was tough but doable and worth it for our family.

Moving DS in year 4 was the best possible choice for him. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Personally in your situation, I wouldn’t move DD. You only have a couple more years left. DS is getting older and maybe in year 6 can either hand around and wait for be collected or set off walking home etc. Girls can be really hard work socially, I would risk upsetting her for his sake when you can do the best for them both.

If you can logistically make it work, then it sounds like it is what’s best for both children.

I have four DC in four different schools (though I drop two of them off at the same bus stop, so mostly only three drop off/pick ups). INSET days tend to be for two children at a time because of county boundaries, though the schools shift them around too). Four different parent evenings, random club pick ups etc etc.

It is a shuffle, but it works for us, and I know that each child
is in the right school for them. We moved one child at the start of Year 4.

Your son either needs to move class within the same school or move to a different school.

Your daughter who is happy “should” stay there. It’s not fair to her.

Maybe he could have similar issues at the next school. But it’s a risk you must take. Bullying isn’t acceptable or nice and can destroy everyone.

All my children are in different schools - I’m juggling balls but they are all happy so that’s all that matters. It’s an absolute slog I won’t lie and I do wish at times I would have picked the easier route - all in one school. I’ve been driving many miles today. But 2 schools is absolutely manageable easy.

I would do extensive research that the next school would theoretically suit though - can only move the child so many times

Id keep dd. What happens if Dd’s class is full of people she doesn’t get on with then? Im usually a ‘get on with it’ type person, but in this situation it makes zero sense as ds is moving on soon anyway. Also, could send a message to the school perhaps ?

How close is the new school for DS? Here schools allow walking home from year 5. You might not want him to straight away, but it might be something you could build up to, even if it's not walking all the way home but you meeting him on the way home.

Move him now, so that he gets all the summer fun with the new class.

DD stays where she is.

you mix and match afterschool care etc to make it work. It sucks for you for 2 years - but is worth it for the kids.

Yes I have been in this position last year.
I moved my struggling child but left the child who was getting on well in their current school.
It’s slightly trickier logistically but I manage.
Definitely the right decision for us.

I will say though, I have had 3 children go through the end of the primary school and all 3 had these social issues arise around year 5. Could this be a normal thing that is happening with your son? Ours was a small school so difficult to make
new friendships at this stage in the school life.

Do it!
by year 5/6 schools often let kids walk themselves to/from school so you would be off the hook with the school run. Leave your daughter where she is if she is happy :)

Had a similar situation.
I moved both. The happy one still asks why we moved schools even though he did settle well. Logistics meant it had to be one school

But I would try and get the school to help sort the problem. It sounds like bullying isn't being addressed

Good luck.

Yes, we moved youngest dd this year for year 3, into a nearby junior school. Dd in year 6 stayed to finish up. It's been fine, the schools have slightly different drop off and pick up times which just about work if you cycle it and we use some breakfast and after school club and share some pickups with a neighbour. The new school is a much better fit for her (she wasn't unhappy at the old one, it was more about the sports and music provision) and dd1 was happy where she was.

Once or twice we've got confused about what day they're doing x on, but you can easily check. I do wish we'd had a one-school-one-parent system so we don't both read two sets of letters, multiple apps etc.

I agree that you should move your DS and leave DD where she is. That’s definitely what I would do in your situation, anyway.

I have children at two different primary schools and it works fine for us. You do need to be a bit more careful about inset days and events going on at school, but just put everything in a diary/calendar and you’ll be fine. One thing I actually like is when the inset days are different. It’s lovely to have a day of 1-1 time with a child.

I moved my eldest to a different school and it was fine. Had 3 years of different schools and I managed the juggle of the school runs, school events and slightly different holidays. It was fine and as they get older they remind you anyway!

Thank you so much for the helpful replies everyone! This has really helped my decision. DS is having a visit to new school next Friday and all being well there we will make the move 😊