School response to violence

[MinnieMouse1234]

My daughter is in y2 and it’s clear that there are some pupils in her class with various behavioural needs. I’m concerned what my daughter takes from how this is handled.

I’m pleased that she has learned empathy and understanding, and that everyone is different and that people deal with their emotions differently. I’m concerned that the concept of violence being wrong isn’t being spoken about.

I feel like she’s getting the impression that ‘sometimes boys can’t control their anger’.

Is this normal in Primary schools? Am I being old fashioned to think that a ‘what ‘x’ did was wrong and he’s working on that to try and not do it again’ is something that could be said? Teachers - please tell me!

I’m trying to think rationally about this whilst also raging about normalising violence at the same time….

Schools won’t tell anyone who in the class has SEN, but IMO the kids (and parents) will work it out very quickly.

DC2 suffered a lot with his ‘best friend’ - I made sure every issue was logged and noted, and eventually just said to DC that BF’s brain works a bit differently to everyone else’s so he doesn’t understand the rules, but really to keep a wide berth and play with other children. I’ll be told this is not inclusive but really, what is the alternative? The child in question still behaves the same way, years later. The ‘inclusive’ policy does nothing for anyone, the child with SEN least of all. God knows how teachers are supposed to cope.

DD is autistic - she has never once been violent, disruptive or aggressive in school (although, yay! She has been on the receiving end of violence from NT kids).

However, the one thing we have never been able to get her to do is apologise for behaviour at home. This is not uncommon for kids with ASC and is probably because they also don't see it as 'bad behaviour'- it's a rational and normal response to whatever the thing is that has made them disregulated. I doubt the teacher is going to spend hours trying to make that happen when it will just disregulate the child even more and lead to a spiral.

I'd also be incredibly cross if a teacher disclosed anything about DD's ASC or other ND to the class. It's private. So it's unlikely children or parents will have the full story.

You seem to be working on a lot of assumptions OP. Where is your evidence that the school are leading your child to think violence is ok? If it's simply because she didn't get an apology once, you're making an assumption that the other child is indeed capable of making an apology. I can think of several children where, unfortunately, a direct apology for their actions simply wouldn't be possible for a variety of issues. School will have had a debrief with your DD, checking in on her feelings and explaining how the issue has been dealt with. They can't force an apology if one isn't possible. (I had a parent that demanded an apology from a non-verbal child once, for example. Obviously I couldn't tell the other parent that, actually, the child who hurt your child isn't physically able to give the verbal apology you demand, so we just had to explain that the issue had been dealt with and a full debrief had occurred with their child, but a verbal apology wasn't possible in these circumstances. The school cannot tell you the exact reason this child didn't apologise to yours, but there will be a reason.)

It's unfortunate that your DD is witnessing such behaviour and has even been on the receiving end on occasions. It's not right, but unfortunately that is what many schools are dealing with in 2025 due to extreme funding cuts. I don't believe for one minute that your child is being directly told that this violence is ok. The school's hands are largely tied. They can't be seen to be publicly shaming a child for their behaviour and they can't discuss consequences with other parents. As a parent, you can remind your child on all the lovely privileges they receive for kind hands and good choices. They'll be able to work out themselves in time that not everyone in their class partakes in such things, such as playtime or class treats. It shouldn't need to be explicitly mentioned to her that so and so is at the headteachers office this lunchtime because they threw a chair, or kicked a classmate. She'll work that out for herself in time.

That’s basically what my daughter concluded and said to me last year based on her experience at school when she was relaying the information to me. I was impressed by her understanding of everyone being different, processing emotions differently etc but when she spoke about boys not being able to control their anger it really struck a cord with me. I can see why she’s said that based on her experience (and as someone said above it’s not just a boy thing, it is however in her class).

Sadly I think this is all too common. I lost my shit when one of my daughter’s teachers said she needed to develop more resilience after being hit. I said that was not the sort of resilience I wanted her to develop and they’re sending out the wrong message that little girls should be putting up with male violence and entitlement. It really annoyed me.

I’d love to move daughter but I’ve left it too late and places seem to be full now.

Honestly, forcing a child to apologise is absolutely pointless. However, that being said, someone from school should have spoken to your daughter about how she felt, and how they could help her feel safe.

A Y2 child that’s intelligent will probably know if a child has been subject to a behaviour management scheme. Eg red card or whatever. Being sent to Head. My DD would have known! Dc know who these dc are and know they get into trouble! It’s also important to believe dc and not dismiss what they say. Why anyone would think DC don’t understand this when they spend all day with these dc is beyond me. Of course they observe what’s happening.

Sadly dc do have to have avoidance strategies and in some schools it’s very apparent SEN is not managed well and the whole class does suffer. We do need more Sen behaviour schools!

Not that but no- this was an incident that I followed up with the teacher - this is what I got from
the conversation with them

I have yes, about one of the incidents - see above

My DD was pushed down a flight of stairs by a little boy, who also regularly bit girls (just girls).

I was very, very clear to her that his behaviour was wrong, and she didn't have to play with him. That's not a great conversation to have to have with a 4yo.

She's now at an all girls private school, which is no coincidence! But not a solution for most, I know.

It's a crappy situation. The answer is obviously more places at special schools, but I know that's not quick/ easy/ cheap!

Agree completely with this.

Your child doesn’t come second because someone else’s child has SEN or behavioural issues or whatever. They don’t get to hurt them and they just accept it because that child has an issue.

I’d be that mum, I’d be at the school 5 days a week if required. And my child would be in a boxing class or MMA class, to ensure they felt capable of defending their own safety.

So I have a Y2 boy. His class are massively struggling with pushing, shoving, fighting (whether play or not) and generally negative behaviour.
Is my child one of those disruptive children - yes.
Does he had SEN or any other needs - no.
Boys have a hormones surge around 6-8 years. Its traits are lack of impulse control, anger and generally more emotional. I'd 1000% addressed with the school if their is anything underlying we need to assess but they are confident it is just his age and development stage.
I'd take a guess that the 'sometimes boys cant control their anger' was a comment from a teacher trying to explain the above to a 6 year old.
Are my DS school normalising violent behaviour - defiantly not! Just because you don't see or hear what is happening with the other child/children, does not mean they aren't addressing it properly. We have a plethora of behavioural plans, breakout plans, reward charts before good behaviour and support classes which DS is engaged in. We as his parents engage with the school to resolve any incidents occur. And the school also take steps to remove any scenarios that create opportunity for negative behaviour e.g. our school have removed tag or any playground game that involves touching. We know as its included in our DS behavioural plan...…its not been publicly announced though.

Talk to the school or teacher about what is happening. They will be able to give you an overview of what they are implementing but not necessarily all the details.

My child has ASC and is that violent child. It's not something we make excuses for but he doesn't receive typical "punishments" there's a lot of discussions.

He will never apologise he lacks the understanding of what he done wrong and has zero emotional empathy. He was reduced down to 1 hour a day of school because unfortunately the la at the time believed that mainstream should just cope with him.

It's not the schools fault. It's not his fault. It was an unsuitable provision that we fought for 2 years to get him out of.
Our options were limited at that time. We had to send him because we would have been on the receiving end of an attendance order and then they would have had to work out how they would have everyone safe and him full time.

The fault comes down to a la who don't have to physically manage him, see him and still can decide what they think is "best" to save money at the cost of everyone's safety and wellbeing.

I would openly say to parents. I need you to complain just as much as we was.

@SJM1988 I can honestly say my DDs never saw this sustained boy behaviour at school. What has happened to boys? Yes, there was an occasional scuffle over a football but not repeated bad behaviour as you describe and accept. Why do we accept this? How have so many dc started to be like this? Dc development has not changed (y2? Hormones?) but we now make excuses all the time. It makes me so glad my DDs are older!

I don't accept it. That is why I am working with the school to resolve it.
In my case, my DS retaliate against other who show him the same behaviours. We have no issues with behaviour at home and its all down to what happens in the playground at lunch. We have never taught our DS to retaliate and taught him to seek out a teacher to help (if anything he would shy away from this sort of thing until this year). But how can I resolve the issues, if there are 5/6 other boys in the class doing the same thing? Other than support the school in how they address it?

Honest opinion, development hasnt changed (6-8 year hormones have always been there and children have always dealt with it differently) but now every incident of a 'football scuffle' has to be reported, logged and spoken to parents about.
We got a call about the boys playing 'dodge the punch' last year.....its classed as assault. They were all willing participates of dodge the punch and found it funny. Noone was seriously hurt, maybe a few hurt egos for not dodging quick enough. But they all got in trouble over it and it a permanent record of 'assault'. How is that fair on a child who was just playing a game all his friends where playing happily until a teacher saw?
Another incident was playing tag - he tagged a boy too hard and he fell over. Something that has happened to him on numerous occasion too.

Sometimes, in our case, we feel the school are too over the top of addressing violence that common sense of its just a 'football scuffle' is not there anymore. Violence should not be tolerated, but sometimes I feel school goes in the other direction and any small incident is treated as such

Every small incident does not have to be reported. If only 5/6 boys are a problem, avoid them. They will be magnets of course but avoidance is the only answer. I assume there are nicer boys with no raging violent hormones?

When I say a football scuttle, it wax once a term max! Not every day or week. Dc played and enjoyed play time. It was not push, shove and fight time. I would try and influence your DS to get new friends. Unless it’s too late for that.

Trust me it does. I get the calls and talks from the teacher and see it in return with other parents at pick up. Every single incident against or from my DS is reported no matter the situation. If he is targeted and retaliates, he rightly get a disciplinary action but everything is reported. Like it is with every other child in the class. They play tag and if a child is tagged too hard, its a report. They play fight (as in pretend fighting) where no one gets hurt, its a report.

Please tell me how I can stop him playing with those children in school time at break or lunch time because I have told him 100 times not too. I do influence different friends outside of school, and we don't socialise with the main offenders outside of school. I'm not there. I follow through with school actions at home. We have reward charts at home.

Impulse control is learnt fully until up to 10 years old. Apart from positive reinforcement from us (and the school), what else can I do bar support him in learning impulse control - which we have no issue with at home.

The school should separate out the dc. Have designated areas. I would ask why some dc can learn self control and others cannot? Why is the school allowing these dc to wind each other up? They report everything but don’t separate them. Why? If they see the incidents, they are present. I don’t agree every tag action should be reported. Why is he attracted to the naughty dc? What’s wrong with the other dc? The school need to be much more proactive about separating dc. Why don’t they do it?

He’s probably acting up because it’s now just routine. Nothing matters much to him and the dc do not care. It’s obviously fun. So maybe try and find out why he doesn’t care about reward charts and sanctions? He’s just repeating the behaviour so the consequences do not resonate? What would?

I would ask why some dc can learn self control and others cannot?

Do you know what SEN is?

You do realise that all children develop differently. Some will get earlier than others. Thats just normal development. I think its clear from your post you havent had to deal with a child that either has additional needs or is ahead or behind their peers in development. Asking what is wrong with another child really isn't very nice. All children are different and have different needs. Some school are just better at supporting differenr groups that others.

I can 100% tell you it does matter to my dc. He is very upset when he comes home over what has happened in the day and he cant understand why he doesnt just get not to reretaliate. He knows right from wrong and gets really upset when he gets his actions in the wrong camp. He's learning as incidents now are never the same.

They don't seperate as ultimately they know that the children need to learn how to deal with situations. Seperating a child after their initial discipline is one of the last actions they take as the school understand the important of learning and devleopment. They are 7 not 17.
If they seperated every child in every year that caused an incident they wouldnt have teachers left to teach and look after other children.