How do I get the best for my daughter without being a pain to the teachers?

[Meltedcheese2]

Wondering if anyone can give me any advice please.

My year 4 daughter is well behaved, quiet and relatively bright etc - hitting all the expected standards but not GD apart from reading. She is a lovely child, eager to please and thrives off praise

She is a state school which has a massively mixed intake including loads of children with extra needs, lots of deprivation. I absolutely feel for the staff in the current scenario as I can see all they are trying to do is keep their heads above water.

I have realised (and now DD is older she is articulating more) that in a class of 30 she is almost invisible and lost. I understand why - all energy goes on keeping children safe and supporting those with special needs.

We do all her homework every week and all extra tasks set and it is never marked and she never gets any feedback. I despair of that as basically the message she receives is that it doesn't matter whether you work hard or not.

I ABSOLUTELY get it. I work in social care and we are in same position. I don't want to be that parent who is pushy and makes it worse. We get 2 parents evenings a year and literally no other feedback; but is there any way I can try and get more support for her without being a pain to the school or the staff, who are under enough pressure?

When we realised last year she was struggling with maths we got a maths tutor for an hour a week and that has helped but I feel like she is getting so little support at school that she won't progress at all. Do I just have to put all my time into helping her (I also work full time) and accept that this is now state education? Please be kind I genuinely do not want to be a pain, I feel for the school, but I do want the best for her

Thanks so much everyone for advice. Will reply in detail later, really appreciate. So sorry to those in same situation 😞

They shouldn't complete a task for a pat on the head, or a tick on a page,but to achieve something and inform their teachers about what's needed next

They should complete a task to test their knowledge: what they have accurately absorbed and understood and what needs work. It’s not simply the teacher who needs to know - the child needs to know too.

It’s almost as if there are consequences to not having homework marked and not practising spelling…

Thank you for highlighting OP’s point.

Primary teacher here. I have some of my best conversations with parents in the playground when they collect their children. If you're able to collect in person, this might be an idea for getting a little more feedback other than the twice-yearly parents' evenings? I make a beeline for parents whom I know usually rely on our wraparound care if I see them collect at the end of the school day: it's nice to catch up and check in. I'm definitely not too busy to discuss a pupil's progress or areas of challenge with a parent ‐I value the opportunity. If you see your child's teacher at the end of the day, just approach them "Hey, Ms X, nice to see you. Just checking in to see how DD is getting on. We've been using a Maths tutor and it seems to be going well our end, but I wonder whether you're noticing any progress in class? Is there anything else you could recommend?"

You sound like a very thoughtful person and I absolutely get not wanting to be 'that' parent, but it doesn't sound like you'd be going way overboard. My DC1 has SEN and I think I might fall into the latter category trying to advocate for her

@Whoknowshere if you have a good secondary that streams top performer you don’t want her to be in the middle as again these are the forgotten kids who receive no attention.

Well that's not a good secondary then is it? no matter how many of its pupils go to oxbridge

All the secondary schools in London who are the top of the leagues stream for top performers and that’s how they get the best A levels. They are also offer great support for students with special needs. Unfortunately the kids of the middle are a bit forgotten. They still get their education, but they will not be particularly pushed academically. It is normal and it does not mean the school is not good, it is just how it is.

Sadly with 30 in a class options are limited. I suspected my DS was struggling with dyslexia and I was called a ‘pushy parent’ when I went in and asked if they thought he was Dyslexic and that he was ‘too young’ for that to be decided. Because he is a nice boy who doesn’t cause trouble he got completely ignored. Needless to say, I got him screened myself and I moved him. Never looked back. Lockdown was my turning point when I had to try and home school and realised just how behind and utterly disengaged he was. I don’t know what your local situation is but is there any other school options? Don’t be fobbed off and don’t stop making yourself heard. You know what your own child needs.

Thanks so much for all the advice. We feel so torn on moving her - there are no local state places at all, everything in her year is oversubscribed (fine in lower years, we were the last "peak" year). We could stretch and go private and looked at 2 schools - but locally even they don't have outstanding reputations. But they would be much smaller class sizes. My biggest issue is her happiness - she absolutely adores the school (despite our concerns about the teaching) and I am so fearful that moving her would impact her happiness so much it would outweigh the educational benefit 😭. My husband and I are normally so decisive but it's a really tricky decision to make. Really appreciate all the advice on here.

I think that's how it is. 30 kids is too many to teach effectively, regardless of additional needs.

I'd say be grateful your child can cope and is happy in school. Many home ed parents I know have made that decision because their child was unable to cope with the large class sizes, to the extent the child's mental health was suffering.

In that case OP, I would speak formally to the teacher. Say everything you’ve said here - that you appreciate how impossible their job is, and how you understand that other kids require more teacher time, but that you’re worried your daughter will disengage with education if the encouragement and challenge isn’t forthcoming. This isn’t a silly moan that your daughter isn’t the lead in the school play, or can’t sit with her best friend on the school trip or whatever. This is a genuine serious concern, and you have every right to raise it.

You are wrong, all the children's progression is tracked closely. You are not in the classroom, on what basis do you hold these beliefs? The teacher will be teaching every day, questioning interacting, circulating whilst the kids are working to see how they are getting on

I moved my 6yo from a school she was happy at but receiving a poor standard of education to a different school, she thrived there, much more sport, which she grew to love and still does now, some 20 years later.

Your DD is 4, in 10 years time she will barely remember her first school.

If there is no alternative state & you can afford private, then its a no brainer.

If you can scrape it I wouldn’t hesitate to move her to a private school even if it’s a bit sleepy. It will be quieter, smaller class sizes, more individualised attention and at the very least they should mark her homework. She can always move back into the state system for secondary.

If she’s a child who likes school she may like another one just as much if not more. She can keep the friends from her current school and make new ones.

I moved around the same - best thing I ever did. I didn’t realise how bored I was until I changed.

OP’s DD is year 4 ie 8 yrs old.

My dd’s primary school went one step further and used the well behaved children to try and look after the ones with additional needs. My dd was quiet, well behaved and got on with everyone so she was paired with the children with behavioural difficulties every single day, every school trip, assembly etc. she had her work ripped to shreds if they got cross with her, she came home covered in bruises and was a nervous wreck coming into school every morning. At parents evening it was only ever mentioned how lovely she was, nothing abut her struggling to read or spell.
When I asked if she could just have a break from these children once in a while, I was branded the pushy mother and my moral is- be that pushy mother. If something is not right, raise it.
i moved my daughter to a different school in year 3 and it was the best thing I ever did. Overnight the anxiety reduced and she was eventually diagnosed as dyslexic which her primary school missed because she tried hard and was well behaved. I know that teachers are stretched way more than they should be but if you don’t fight for your child, no one else is going to!

Thankyou so much for this advice