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Primary education

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Original poster

Does this sound like dd1 is being bullied or am I putting 2 + 2 together and getting 5?

31 replies

Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 13:14

very shy, sensitive dd1, aged 5, is hopeless at socialising, am trying to get her to agree to a playdate but she is not keen

anyway, she said the other week to MIL "I liked it today as people played with me in the playground instead of ignoring me" ()

and then one day she said that X had hit her in the stomach but "it was ok as we were playing putting dd1 in prison"

then yesterday she was pushed onto the floor, again "playing prison"

dh asked her who plays this game and she says she is the only prisoner but it is good as then "people play with me"

is she getting picked on do you think and only likes this game as she feels wanted?

dinner lady sent the girl yesterday inside and told her off so it seems more than play to me BUT I may be over reacting (it has been known....)

OP posts:
Uriel · 30/04/2008 13:17

Yes, sounds like the 'game' is getting out of hand. I would be concerned.

forevercleaning · 30/04/2008 13:20

not overacting IMO. Why is she always the prisoner? I would def speak to teacher.

Original poster
Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 13:22

but she seems to enjoy going into school

no tears or anything

so I do not know what to think tbh

I am in school on Friday so I will mention it I think

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soapbox · 30/04/2008 13:26

I think you need to get bullies, bigmouths and so called friends and concentrate on the so-called friends chapter. Read it first and then have a chat to DD about the contents.

It does sound like her naivety is being a little exploited - to put it kindly!

Uriel · 30/04/2008 13:28

Yes, school needs to be aware.

Re the ignoring thing - mine have said similar to me. I think they forget sometimes who they have played with and the 2 minutes they didn't play with someone gets magnified.

It may help if she's allowed to take a small toy into school with her. Something she can play with by herself. It can also encourage others to play with her.

Original poster
Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 13:57

sometimes she will say she played with X and I know she has been off sick, so I do think she makes things up as she knows I am pleased when I hear she has played with someone

maybe I make too big a deal of her making friends and I should just leave her to it

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nailpolish · 30/04/2008 14:00

olive your poor dd

id definitely ask the teacher to keep a close eye on dd during playtime/lunch

and speak to her about walking away if shes not happy or whatever

poor thing. hope she is ok

Original poster
Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 14:01

soapbox - have looked at that link but it seems to be for older children more maybe? I don't think she knows bullies exist yet and I don't want to plant that seed iyswim

oh god it is so hard, I think I may spy over the fence and see what happens at lunchtimes!

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nailpolish · 30/04/2008 14:01

i always ask dd who she has played with that day

sometimes its better not to ask, but i cant help it

soapbox · 30/04/2008 14:04

OO - that was why I suggested you read it (really it's the so-called friends bit that I think you would find very useful) and then chat through it with her, rather than give her the book to read, IYSWIM.

Original poster
Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 14:05

I know! I know as I am asking that I shouldn't as I don't want to make it a big deal iyswim

dd2 is soooooooooooooooo different, she breezes through life far easier

OP posts:
nailpolish · 30/04/2008 14:06

yes, my dd2 is different too.

you must speak to teacher who will keep an eye on her

Fimbo · 30/04/2008 14:10

Do they have a friendship buddy or stop at your dd's school?

I would spy at lunchtime if you can (ds's school has direct access on to a park & playing fields so is easy to do so).

My dd used to say she had nobody to play with, then about an 1hr later she would tell me about what she got up to with x y or z.

Is there any possibility of you become a "lunchtime supervisor" on your days off?

HuwEdwards · 30/04/2008 14:10

Olive, this is difficult as it sounds to me like your DD is a willing and volunteering participant and children at this age are pretty ruthless and will often let someone be the baddy/stooge or whatever as long as they are prepared to be. I think bullying is too strong a word for this....

Could you have a word with her about 'nice and fair friendships'? I also think to pursue a playdate would be hugely to her advantage. Often we're more anxious about the thought of something than when it actually happens. Just keep it a short one the first time to see how it goes.

Original poster
Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 14:11

when I speak to the teacher though I get all teary eyed and make a fool of myself

I must try not to cry

v pathetic but I am sure they have seen it all before

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nailpolish · 30/04/2008 14:12

oh GOD olive i do too

i had to ask dh to come with me last week

could you do that?

Original poster
Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 14:13

I have tried and tried re playdates and she is not keen

I am helping out on Friday so will have a word with her (lovely) teacher and see who she thinks is her 'friend' and invite her to a playdate

there is a fence all around the playground so I would look a bit odd peering over it, also she would see me I think

OP posts:
HuwEdwards · 30/04/2008 14:15

Don't tell her it's a playdate - just say you're looking after one of the children for an hour as a favour to their mum...?

(veeery leeetle white lie, I know)

nailpolish · 30/04/2008 14:15

i know softplay is shite, but how about asking 4 or 5 of the mums if theyd like to go to soft play after school one day, or a weekend morning. then you can observe dd at play with her mates

or am i being obsessional (ive done this)

might be easier than a playdate

nailpolish · 30/04/2008 14:16

is there anyone in the street she plays with?

nailpolish · 30/04/2008 14:16

or instead of soft play you could just go to the park i suppose. or the zoo or wahtever

Fllight · 30/04/2008 14:16

I'd be worried too OO, I dobt the other child is malicious but it sounds like dd is trying to please you by having a friend and maybe hasn't stroong enough sense of self to judge when th other little ones are being a bit unfair.

I wouldn't push the playdate, really I wouldn't. I hated parties and playdtes with a passion when I was little - she will find her own friends as she gets older, in her own way. Don't stress it - some kids are madly sociable, some like a close buddy or two, that's still OK iyswim

My sister had loads of mates, I had a few. I always cried at parties, terrifying - still do

MorocconOil · 30/04/2008 14:22

Have you thought about her joining Rainbows? It could be a good opportunity to develop different friendships out of school. My DSs go to Beavers and alot of it seems to be about developing social skills.

alittlebitshy · 30/04/2008 14:28

Oh oo - poor you and poor dd1
I can't tell from what you say, and I'm not sure I'd know either if it was my dd coming home with the same comments. But i now the same thoughts would be running through my mind.

It always makes me want to cry when she comes home and says that her "friends" (ha - sometimes I wonder!) wouldn't play with her today I find myself asking too often who she played with, but I try and stop myself because I worry I'll make more of an issue of it

Why can little girls be so cruel? And why is it so painful being a mummy sometimes [preg hormones here too]

Wonder how they came up with the prison game .......

Original poster
Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 14:33

I feel like going in the playground and shouting at them

be nice to my daughter you horrible girls

I may glare at some on Friday when I help out...

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