Advice please 4 year old bullied

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My son started reception in September he is 4 years old and will turn 5 in January. He has separation anxiety and has only just started settling into school the past few weeks. Last week he informed me that in the lunch hall a little girl in his class shouted at him and demanded he opened his mouth so she can show her brother(year older) his teeth he said no and didn’t open it then she hit him on his back to make him open it and he did the she pointed at his mouth with her brother and laughed at his “small” front teeth. He then told me another day last week when I picked him up that when he’s was drinking water in the classroom she hit him again. I was heartbroken, I went straight to talk to his teacher about both separate incidents the day after. She first denied it because the little girl was absent that day( the incident happened day before) I told her this then she apologised and assured me she would speak to the child in question and her parents. Today my son came out from school and told me the little girl has been laughing at him again and he was visibly upset. I took him straight back to the classroom and asked the teacher what she is going to do and explain what my son had come out telling me. She started by telling me that she has spoken to the child and told her if someone doesn’t want to do something then she cannot make them and she said that she has told the class the same thing and then said she told my son to say stop of someone is making him do something he isn’t happy with. (She didn’t talk to the little girl about hitting other children and also didn’t speak to her parent!) she then condescendingly and firmly looked down to my son and said “if someone wants you to do something you don’t want to you have to say stop and tell the teacher” I then told her that he is 4! If he is feeling scared he isn’t going ti be able to say stop! She then proceeded to say that she will speak to the said girls and her parents again. I am very upset and angry that instead of dealing with the child and enforcing no violence or bullying in the class she is instead making it the victims responsibility to deal with it , he is 4 ffs! The school in question has a very strict no bullying policy, I have older children in older year groups there and I have had no issues with their teachers or their swift response to anything I’ve ever raised. They have been amazing with my older children, it just seems very off with this particular child. Some other parents have had issues with this teacher due to the way she treats and speaks to the children, one parent even moved her son out straight away as the teacher shouted at her child in front of the parent. I am keeping my son off tomorrow so it can be dealt with by the headteacher who I am going ti contact. I feel if I send him in and this keeps happening it will cause further problems in the long run (school anxiety/mental health) has any experienced anything similar with a child this age?? How did you go about it. What else can I do??

I'd ask for a meeting like you are and find and read the schools bullying policy which should be available on their website. I'd then ask how they were implementing it in this situation.
I do think it's reasonable to give your son tools to help in the moment such as saying stop loudly or getting a teacher, but the school needs to be managing the situation too.

Presumably if this girl is in your DSs class, she is also only 4. It sounds very much like normal 4 year old interactions.
They have only been in school a few weeks and much of what they do will be focussed around social skills.

It's sensitive because your DS is so little, and you're obviously upset. However, I do agree with the the PP and teacher in that your son does need tools to use in situations where you cannot be there. This could be as simple as teaching him to stay 'Stop!' or 'No!'

These two negative interactions, whilst yes absolutely need to be dealt with, will not affect your DSs long term mental health, so try not to over worry. It's unpleasant for you as an adult but it's most likely a case of child development and learning how to/not interact with each other.

Suggest your DS should probably still go to school tomorrow and you speak to the headteacher, and also the other child's parents if things are not resolved adequately.

Not necessarily. The OP's boy has a January birthday so could potentially go to school at 4, dependent on the country, while most children are 5 when they go to school in UK. I'd advise a meeting with the Head Teacher in the first instance with a view to agree between parent and HT how to resolve before it gets escalated beyond the school. No child should be bullied at school, least of all a 4 year old

These are little 4 year old children, not bullies.

The teacher is right that both children are learning how to interact with others. It isn't putting it on the victim, it's giving all the children social skills.

That's a matter of opinion, I think. I wouldn't be happy at this behaviour towards my 4 year old child from another child who is potentially 5 or almost 6 (may be different outwith Scotland) and I'd certainly want it sorted by the HT

In England, the majority of reception children at this stage in the year are still 4. The only children who start at 5 are those who have deferred or those born on the first couple of days in September, potentially a day or two before the start of term.

This. They are four, she isn't a bully she is learning just like your son. No it's not nice but it is not bullying.

No one's going to say the behaviour is ok, and the teacher has spoken to the little girl. Of course hitting or trying to make other children do what they want should be gently and firmly corrected.
Poor social skills and hitting is really common amongst small children, a big part of the early years curriculum is learning to interact and play with each other.

They're all 4 or 5. It's not bullying.

The teacher has spoken to the girl. Your son does need to be telling the teacher during the day what is happening so the adults can deal with it there and then.

It could just as easily be your child pushing. They're 4/5 and learning.

Ok, thanks for the info. It's different in Scotland. I still think the girl making fun of the OP's child should be taught mean behaviour towards others is not nice and shouldn't be repeated/tolerated. I'm sure the mean girl's parent/s wouldn't want their child to be treated badly by another child, or for their child to behave badly to another child.

I've just re read your OP.
Don't keep him off tomorrow. That will add to his anxiety and fuel the thoughts that what's happening is a major thing and he's done something wrong. He needs a successful school day, not a day at home with you frothing.

The teacher is correct that she needs to know about things so she can deal with them. It's very difficult to speak to a parent about hearsay from another parent a few days later. Far more effective to say at pick up "X hit another child today, we've had a chat and if it happens again Y will happen".

It’s not bullying. It’s inappropriate behaviour from a 4 year old who doesn’t know any better - yet. Let the teacher deal with it.

Bullying is systematic behaviour designed to cause distress over a period of time. These incidents, for me, are not yet bullying. Few 4 year olds have a campaign of bullying behaviour. They press buttons and see what the reaction is. So of course your DS needs to say stop and tell an adult. Usually playing with pleasant dc helps. Safety in numbers !

I have one in reception, some kids are vicious. I honestly think firm sanctions earlier on make a lot of difference to how kids continue to behave.

OP check the policy on making a complaint/escalating and follow it through.

Most children arent 5 when they start in Reception. In our Reception classes of 55 children, currently only eight of them have reached their 5th birthday.
Two separate incidents involving a 4/5 year old is not bullying. Get a bloody grip!

Many children come into school who, socially, aren’t ready to mix in a classroom. I’m not sure what vicious means in terms of a 4 year old. Many of these DC will improve and begin to understand how to behave. It’s not bullying. For many at this age it’s parenting, personality and being shown what’s acceptable and a strategy to improve whilst working with their parents.

Schools obviously get SEN dc with behaviour problems. They need urgent help. Primary schools are excluding more dc and we need more special classes for dc who cannot cope in school. Or they stay in nursery for an extra year. Some won’t have gone to nursery and non verbal dc struggle more than others.

This is a case of two very different children learning how to interact with others around them. The little girl will either also be 4, or only recently turned 5. She isn't a bully, she just hasn't learned appropriate boundaries etc yet.
The teacher telling your son to say NO or STOP and to tell an adult, is standard at infant school. Your child needs to learn to express his boundaries and to seek help if needed and the girl needs to learn to respect other people's boundaries too and what appropriate behaviour looks like.
The teacher has spoken to the girl. Obviously if this behaviour continues then of course I would raise it again (and again if necessary).
I wouldn't keep your son off school though. What's that going to teach him in the long run?

So there are a number of things that can be done:

You say one incident happened in the lunch hall. This is normally not supervised by teachers but either by TAs or dinner ladies. You can ask the teacher to ask the lunchtime staff to keep an eye on him as there has been an incident and you are worried about him.

Most lunchtime staff are very happy to do this.

If the teacher hasn't spoken to the girl in question you can ask her to do this.

It is a good idea to try to train your child that if anyone hits or hurts him to immediately run and find an adult. Not all children are capable of saying "stop" etc but most can understand and are capable of "find an adult and tell them immediately".

You can practice with your child what to say.

Well done for sticking up for your son and refusing to be fobbed off op. My experience is that kids who bully in KS1 are still doing it at secondary school.

After reading everyone’s comments and opinions i have established its not classed as “bullying” but it definitely to me isn’t typical 4 year old behaviour, my son would hit back his older sisters at home but wouldn’t dare lay his hands on anyone at school regardless. I have 3 older children and never seen or experienced any children in their reception classes doing this. If it was a girl that had come home to her parents on three separate occasions and said a boy had done what had been done I know there would be a much bigger response to the child and the parents reaction would be worse than mine. I think a lot of you have misunderstood what I mean when I commented on the way the teacher spoke to him, yes I agree with teaching him to say stop but not every child is able to due to being scared or shy and sensitive but he does understand to tell a teacher or a trusted adult. I am not happy with the teachers tone of voice to him, I think in this situation you should encourage and speak to the child with compassion( which we haven’t had). Ad again I think you’ve misread the teacher has NOT spoken to the girl about not hitting! She only spoke about making my son open his mouth. I raised the issues the teacher said she’d deal with it , it happened again and I raised the issues further and the behaviours haven’t been corrected.This is why I am frustrated.

I completely agree , this is why I am upset. Instead of correcting the girls behaviour my son is the one being corrected. There was no reassurance for him or anything, his face looked so scared when she spoke down to him. I feel like the girl will think her behaviours okay and continue and my son will now think that children will hurt him and there will be no consequences 😔

You don’t know what the teacher has done with the older child. How can you? You aren’t in school. The school might have spoken to her parents too.

It is vital your dc knows how to find an adult and hopefully keeps away from the other child. Obviously her behaviour is poor and she might be SEN. You don’t know.

All schools have behaviour and discipline policies. I would read these. This will inform you about what the school will do to promote good behaviour and how it will deal with poor behaviour. At 4 it will be a light touch and they won’t disclose everything to you. Your best bet at the moment is to try and teach your DS strategies to navigate this child. You won’t get the other child removed. I think you have mistaken firm advice from the teacher as being unfriendly. I quite like clear advice and hopefully your DS will make friends with pleasant children. Sit with them at lunch. It’s all about strategies. DC avoid unpleasant dc in the end. They just need to work out how.

Also its widely recognised behaviour has deteriorated. I’m sure your older dc didn’t have this. Your DS isn’t being corrected. He’s being advised. You should do the same because, unfortunately, these dc are around. He has to navigate them.

The teacher told me what she had said to the little girl which is how I know, she also has told me that she hasn’t spoken to the parents like she promised to. I know that I haven’t mistaken her advice as being unfriendly, I have heard myself how she has spoken to other children in that class and I was holding my son whilst she was speaking to him. I have given my son support and guidance on what to do when in class. I have also raised him and siblings to know what is and what is not acceptable behaviour , all of my children have not once laid their hands on anybody, been mean or disrespectful or overstepped anyones boundaries in school ever. They know how to be respectful and responsible. Yes their 4year olds and maybe sen. (One of mine is sen too) but I feel the teacher needs correct the girls behaviour and guide her instead of brushing it off .

Edit- when i posted I said “ it just seems very off with this particular child. ” that was meant to say Teacher NOT Child . I’m not sure how to edit the original post to correct it.