Advice please 4 year old bullied

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My son started reception in September he is 4 years old and will turn 5 in January. He has separation anxiety and has only just started settling into school the past few weeks. Last week he informed me that in the lunch hall a little girl in his class shouted at him and demanded he opened his mouth so she can show her brother(year older) his teeth he said no and didn’t open it then she hit him on his back to make him open it and he did the she pointed at his mouth with her brother and laughed at his “small” front teeth. He then told me another day last week when I picked him up that when he’s was drinking water in the classroom she hit him again. I was heartbroken, I went straight to talk to his teacher about both separate incidents the day after. She first denied it because the little girl was absent that day( the incident happened day before) I told her this then she apologised and assured me she would speak to the child in question and her parents. Today my son came out from school and told me the little girl has been laughing at him again and he was visibly upset. I took him straight back to the classroom and asked the teacher what she is going to do and explain what my son had come out telling me. She started by telling me that she has spoken to the child and told her if someone doesn’t want to do something then she cannot make them and she said that she has told the class the same thing and then said she told my son to say stop of someone is making him do something he isn’t happy with. (She didn’t talk to the little girl about hitting other children and also didn’t speak to her parent!) she then condescendingly and firmly looked down to my son and said “if someone wants you to do something you don’t want to you have to say stop and tell the teacher” I then told her that he is 4! If he is feeling scared he isn’t going ti be able to say stop! She then proceeded to say that she will speak to the said girls and her parents again. I am very upset and angry that instead of dealing with the child and enforcing no violence or bullying in the class she is instead making it the victims responsibility to deal with it , he is 4 ffs! The school in question has a very strict no bullying policy, I have older children in older year groups there and I have had no issues with their teachers or their swift response to anything I’ve ever raised. They have been amazing with my older children, it just seems very off with this particular child. Some other parents have had issues with this teacher due to the way she treats and speaks to the children, one parent even moved her son out straight away as the teacher shouted at her child in front of the parent. I am keeping my son off tomorrow so it can be dealt with by the headteacher who I am going ti contact. I feel if I send him in and this keeps happening it will cause further problems in the long run (school anxiety/mental health) has any experienced anything similar with a child this age?? How did you go about it. What else can I do??

She has told you something but all teachers will NOT talk to you in detail about other children. You don’t know the background of this child do you? You admit you don’t know if she’s SEN. All of this has to be taken into account. Many parents of Sen DC do know their DC need help and it’s not helpful for other parents to demand sanctions and them being “talked to”. You don’t know what strategies the school might have in place because you aren’t the parent of this child.

What, exactly, do you want to happen? The child to be excluded? Watched every minute of the day? You are unrealistic and I’m sure your DC are the most meek and mild perfect dc. You surely know others are not and are not rounded individuals at 4. I think you need to let your rage settle down.

You suggested the child might be sen and I agreed maybe that is the case. As I said I have a sen child and the school have many provisions in place in classroom for sen children including frequent 1-1 and they also have a resource base. If my sen child struggles in class I get told immediately at pick up from the teacher. I’m not demanding sanctions I’m simply demanding the teacher and parent talk to the said child about gentle hands and what’s not acceptable. Then they can guide and support that child. I never said my dc are perfect, they have behaviours at home that they certainly don’t display in school because I have taught them it’s not appropriate in school. I don’t have any rage I’m just replying to your comment.

I can assure you some dc will have no idea what gentle hands means! It requires comprehension of English and acting on the understanding of the concept. It’s just not something dc will understand if they have sen ir ads immature did their age. They won’t understand how to control their behaviour. A child with sen doesn’t respond to standard parenting. You often see lots of parents with really well behaved children but one is badly behaved. The parents have tried but the poorly behaved child is not the same as the others in the family. It’s just not as simple as telling them. If it was that easy we would not have special schools for emotionally and behaviourally challenges children.

You have no right to demand what the school does with the DD or her parents. You do sound very angry but you have no role in controlling her behaviour. All you can do is give your DS guidance. Ask for him to be guided at lunch regarding who he sits with.

I understand why you are not happy OP, it's never nice to hear someone has been unkind to you or child. However, you need to be careful about using the term bullying for behaviiyr displayed by such young children. They are only just learning their way in the world in terms of what is and isn't appropriate and how to deal with conflict.

I'm not sure what more you want the teacher to do and this stage. They have spoken to the child in question and reminded your child how to stand up for himself. You are really not helping him stating in front of him that's he's too young to tell someone to stop doing something he doesn't like and report it to a grown up. He absolutely isn't and, going forward, he needs to learn to do this to gain independence and have a chance of issues being resolved in the moment. It's no good constantly coming out and reporting things to you if he hasn't told a grown up in school. By then, all they can do is deal with it tomorrow. The moment has gone and, often, 4 year olds have little memory of exactly what was said or done the day before. It is a perfectly reasonable response the teacher to tell your son to tell her to stop and report it to a grown up.

I hope these incidents are nipped in the bud soon. When this girl realises he will tell a grown up, she's less likely to do it anyway. Four year olds absolutely are old enough to learn to stand up for themselves.

I wouldn't keep him off, but would certainly be back onto the school to establish how they plan to deal with this going forward. Teaching children to say 'stop' and tell the teacher is great, but ultimately the responsibility for dealing with this girl's behaviour lies with them (and her parents), not your 4 year old son. Some children (and it sounds as if she's one such child) need a lot more input re their behaviour than others, and it sounds like the school needs to do a bit more work with her than they're doing already, given that the behaviour is continuing.

At 4 / 5 yes they are learning social interactions but I don’t think in this case it can be interpreted as trying to be social and it going wrong, it’s along the lines of early bullying behaviour IMO and needs to be dealt with as such and the girl needs to be monitored in case she is targeting other children or continuing to target OP’s child. I don’t know what to suggest other than to see if anything else happens with this particular girl and see if the targeted behaviour continues, if it does maybe go above the teacher to report it.

I have a 4 years old DS just started reception as well. The behaviour of the said girl isn’t acceptable and should be dealt with. I would escalate if it’s my son being hit twice by the same kid. And yes if it’s not deal with and happening again, I would talk to headteacher or write to them.
I wouldn’t keep my son at home, but definitely check on him and tell him did a good job on telling you how he felt. And make sure to let him know to tell the adult straight away.
what I usually tell my son is tell the other child “No, stop that isn’t a nice thing to do. Then tell the adult” and stay away from that said child. Just simple thing if they are not nice kid, don’t play with them. (My son is very loud though usually).

Practice getting him to say loudly stop I dont like it! - it highlights to the child/class and gets the teachers attention. We did it trying to sound like a super hero to encourage DS to stand up for himself as the teachers are very busy trying to organise lots of things and won’t be able to monitor everyone all the time. The other kid did get the message for us- but it is so hard to get them to stand up but still stay kind.