Y1 ds feeling “stupid and rubbish” at school

[Cloouudnine]

My ds goes to a nice state primary, and is our second dc. He has found the transition to Y1 hard, because immediately the kids were launched into precursive and he does struggle to concentrate and follow instructions so he frequently tells me his teacher “hates” him (ie he gets told off
for misbehaving and I have explained to him every time why the teacher gets cross with him.)

At home he concentrates well, gets on with his maths and reading homework happily.

But when something isn’t perfect he gets extremely frustrated, he can reduce himself to tears within a few minutes. He will then berate himself and say he is stupid and rubbish and no good. He tells me there is one little girl he sits near who tells him he is rubbish and laughs at him for his bad writing and being slow.

My ds is not going to be an academic superstar in primary but he has loads of skills probably more useful in an AI dominated world. I just want him to feel pleased with his own progress and realise it’s a marathon not a sprint. I reassure and use specific praise eg for times he has focused well, kept his writing small and even, or for when he has persevered to do a long task. But he is never satisfied with what he has done.

What do I do? What do I say to a perfectionist who doesn’t have the skills to back up his aspirations?!

Hopefully some people will come on soon to advise you. I feel for you and him it sounds as if you are doing the right things in praising his efforts I would keep doing that and also try to build him up to have protected thinking around children who are saying damaging things like that girl.( perhaps others may be able to advise on here ) I wonder whether you could talk to the teacher about what this girl is saying as it is very cruel and potentially harmful to his sense of self and his capabilities. Sorry if this is all very obvious

He tells me there is one little girl he sits near who tells him he is rubbish and laughs at him for his bad writing and being slow.

Email the school and let them know this. It needs to stop PDQ

Tortoise and hare! I take it you remind him that it doesn't matter who is quicker? And that things don't need to be perfect? It's an impossible ideal.

What is he good at? What makes him special? I'd big that stuff up. It's not all about schoolwork.

I have told the teacher twice that ds reports to me unkindness from this little girl. She says it is “low level” and my ds is being too sensitive, which I accept to some extent. The teacher also mentioned ds tends to get anxious about writing and has sometimes cried in class because he is so worried. I asked ds and he says he worries the teacher will be cross that he cannot do it “properly”. He told me a few kids in his table have laughed at him for crying and called him a baby, and my ds does take this very hard.

Little kids’ offhand observations are so cruel sometimes!

I explained to fe the teacher gets cross if he is messing about or not listening to the instructions. She is never cross about the fact he can’t so joined up handwriting yet.

Ds says the TA is very kind and always helps him, so I have told him to ask the TA if he feels worried or unsure, and not try to copy any of the other kids’ work. It seems to me that ds will annoy the other kids if he is bothering them whenever he gets stuck.

Im am doing extra homework with him to try and help him keep up, but I don’t want to overdo it (he is after all only 5). We have practised cursive and flipping subitising every day of the half term bar one, and I can see he is improving but it’s just not enough to pull him up to average level of the class.

@LisaJohnsonsFacebookMole yes, I do. I’m glad you said that this is a good idea. I point out how amazing he is at swimming, and how hard that was to learn and how quickly he has got better swimming underwater because he practises all the time.

I worry sometimes that comparing things he is good at might make him feel worse? Gah it is so hard.

Put in writing what she is saying and the effect it is having on your ds. Cc the Head

Would you really @Etincelle ? It feels like quite a nuclear option to cc the HT! I don’t want to damage relations with the teacher who actually I think is good, and I trust her.

This absolutely needs to be tackled with the teacher and head teacher asap. Please do push this hard with them. He may need more reassurances and a bit more encouragement. The impact the other child is having on his self esteem is huge and needs to be nipped in the bud.

Some children do find the transition to y1 hard. Schools tend to be aware of this but it can depend on the teacher's experience on how well that is handled.

With regards to emotions, I have one a bit like this, now year two. I think they start becoming very aware of the world in y1 and yes, perfectionism starts to kick in.

In some children it drives conscientiousness, in others it can lead to hopelessness but they may not have
the emotional regulation skills to deal with that.

I tried this book with my youngest and he's absolutely loved it. It's really helped with the upset, tantrums and emotional regulation. It does cover things like not feeling good enough, asking for help etc.

My Hidden Chimp amzn.eu/d/frHAY34

Must say my eldest wasn't interested at all when I tried it with him at the same age. They're all different. But it's worth a shot.

HT if you feel it's not being taken seriously enough.

You said the girl is mocking him and the teacher isn't taking it seriously.
I reported bullying in year 1 and the teacher downplayed it. It carried through to year 6. I regret not kicking up more of a stink and including the head

The teacher can easily take some steps and for a start change the seating arrangement to move him away from the girl. No child should feel this much of distress. Is he summer born? This could also be a reason for some of the issues. Also could you ask if there is way he can be made to sit in the front quite close to the teacher or TA who could help him and keep an eye on someone being mean. All he perhaps needs is a little positive encouragement.

@WarriorN thank you, I will track try this it looks good

@MuffinCoffee no, Easter-born, but had a very bad speech delay. He’s not normally emotionally immature (he has dealt with a close bereavement and he he quite strong empathy skills for a 5 year old). The anxiety at school is pretty new.

Would a come back help if she continues to be unkind? Could he sharply say 'you're not very nice are you?' or something along those lines. Often as soon as someone stands up for themselves bullies will step down, they generally want easy targets.

It's worrying though that the teacher is sweeping it under the carpet as low level - have you told her he repeats what she says at home and believes it to be true? There is no such thing as being 'too sensitive' especially when someone is putting you down and laughing at you. That makes me quite angry tbh.

Is there any chance he's ND? Just a thought as 'sensitive perfectionist' is a frequent occurrence. Just a thought.

If you can i would keep up the homework you've been doing while he's back at school, reading and writing every day, just little bursts and also at the weekend. ten minutes here and there.

I'd email Teacher and Head just so there is a paper trail. Ask for the girl to be moved aswell . And yes to teaching him a few comebacks to the girl. and ask for the teacher to take it more seriously (ie change her attitude). Ask for appointment with Senco, for her to put in place any adjustments that might help him

The power of "yet" is really helpful - 'you can't do it yet.'

I've had to use that as daily mantra at various points from y1 to y5/6 with my own children. Also all the time at school (SEND teacher).

Following on from other's comments, I can recommend the book The Magical Yet by Angela DiTerlizzi which is a lovely way of reinforcing this message.
My DS is 2 years on but had a very similar situation - low level bullying (which is what this is) undermined his confidence and he still hasn't got it back fully. I would go back to the teacher and reitterate this and ask for him to be moved or for the interactions to be more closely supervised, the comments are ongoing and are not helpful to a boy who is trying his hardest (what would it do to her confidence if her TA did the same thing to her). FYI my DS has since been diagnosed with dyslexia.
Good luck

I would just ask for him to sit with similar dc. The teacher cannot expect all dc to be the same at 5. Contacting the head is OTT at this stage. I would expect him to be in a nurturing group with the TA. That’s way more productive than a TA going round individual DC. He will get better and feel better. I’d be a bit cross if I was the teacher and you complained about me without talking about him moving away from the DD.

Also her comments are probably a result of her parents bigging her up. It’s not a great thing overall. She is 5. She’s not 10. She’s not mature either and probably likes praise. I think it’s a bit harsh to have a go at a 5 year old who is probably saying something where she doesn’t understand the consequences. The simple solution is to move tables.

I'm very surprised about what the teacher said about the little girl!

Your son gets so anxious about writing that he cries in class and yet they are doing nothing about a girl laughing at him about his writing!

To me that's bullying, it's not low level stuff and it's having an affect on his self esteem. It needs to stop. I'd request that he is moved seats.

What is it that he doesn’t enjoy about writing? Considering maths also involved writing it’s likely both literacy and numeracy are impacted. Why? Have you gotten to the bottom of why he finds it so difficult at school?

If it’s about concentration you can usually build that by making him do timed worksheets / puzzles. If his hand hurts then he needs to build hand strength through precision cutting / sticking. Get to the bottom of it.

What's different when he can concentrate at home? I wonder if it's sensory.

@Newuser75 You really cannot label a 4 year old a bully. She might not understand it’s her comments that upset him. Honestly, she’s not much more than a baby either! Do you want her excluded? Just ask the teacher if he can move tables and get extra help. YR always has time on kindness etc so the DD will improve but she is 4 too!

Of course she doesn't need excluding! I never said that. I said request a seat change. And in my experience yes, 4 year olds can be bullies.

I also said move seats around. However I fundamentally disagrees that a 4 year old should ever be labelled as a bully. If you attach a label like this then you expect the anti bullying policy to be followed. That can lead to exclusion so labels matter. Maybe it’s better to try and change what the DD thinks and says as she’s 4 too! Hardly a mature child! It’s OTT to say she’s bullying.

As a pp mentions, some of the issues you describe also occur with things like dyslexia and ASD (I recognise a lot of it from my family!). With my DC, I found that schools / teachers can sometimes incorrectly say that if a child is reading then they can’t have dyslexia, but mine were reading (albeit slower, and after a bit of a struggle), and found to have dyslexia as they got older. Do you have dyslexia / Asd elsewhere in the family? Were there sequencing issues when learning to talk? (Eg ‘par cark’). Are there sensory issues? (Seams in socks a problem? Labels in clothes? Hates hand dryer noise / vacuum cleaner? Anxiety about change? Might be worth exploring..

@TizerorFizz I can't imagine any circumstances where a year one child (aged 5/6) would be excluded for saying unkind things.
I agree with what you are saying in that I'd request a change of seat and expect that the girl/whole class are spoken to with regards to kind and unkind words and behaviour but we might have to agree to disagree about wether a 5/6 year old can be a bully or not.