Y1 ds feeling “stupid and rubbish” at school

[Cloouudnine]

My ds goes to a nice state primary, and is our second dc. He has found the transition to Y1 hard, because immediately the kids were launched into precursive and he does struggle to concentrate and follow instructions so he frequently tells me his teacher “hates” him (ie he gets told off
for misbehaving and I have explained to him every time why the teacher gets cross with him.)

At home he concentrates well, gets on with his maths and reading homework happily.

But when something isn’t perfect he gets extremely frustrated, he can reduce himself to tears within a few minutes. He will then berate himself and say he is stupid and rubbish and no good. He tells me there is one little girl he sits near who tells him he is rubbish and laughs at him for his bad writing and being slow.

My ds is not going to be an academic superstar in primary but he has loads of skills probably more useful in an AI dominated world. I just want him to feel pleased with his own progress and realise it’s a marathon not a sprint. I reassure and use specific praise eg for times he has focused well, kept his writing small and even, or for when he has persevered to do a long task. But he is never satisfied with what he has done.

What do I do? What do I say to a perfectionist who doesn’t have the skills to back up his aspirations?!

@Newuser75 No I cannot imagine exclusion either but parents like a bully punished don’t they? It’s reasonable to ask what they see as punishment for a 4/5 year old (YR I thought we were talking about) who has been labelled as a bully. I feel it’s an unhelpful label. I’d rather prefer the teacher to instil kindness and tolerance and work with dc and parents. However parents of those being “bullied” don’t want that. They like punishment.

Love the power of yet mantra too.

It's hard to know if it would be picked up by him as overly pointed, but one of my favourite books as a child was 'Leo the Late Bloomer'. It's out of print now but available on Amazon.

Try doing gross and fine motor skills with him regularly too; commando crawling, pretending to fly or walking on all fours/ finger fireworks (where you ball and explode your fist with high tension in the extended fingers), pulsing hands (fingers together, palms apart, keeping fingers straight push tip to tip and bend the hand knuckle so you make a kind of pulsing finger cage). Let him open things, turn keys, whisk, weed etc. Let him write big cursive letters in chalk if you have somewhere, or in the air, or on your back. If he learns the forms and joins correctly, the size etc. will come.

If you want a fun way of subitising, check out Steve Wybourney 'What's the number in the box' numbers 1-5. You'd have to pause and let your DS write down the dots he thinks he's seen, then help him add them (but a good way of strengthening number bonds to and within 10/ 20 as well). The Estimysteries would also be fun; SW does levels for different year groups.

Hadn't come across that book @gato21, sounds great

Ask for him to move seats as the girl doesn't sound helpful.

It does sound like he is developing some anxiety around this which is a difficult situation.

Working with him on developing his skills at home will help - year 1 is a significant step up. Bigging up his achievements in other areas will also help.

There is a lot you can do as well to develop his fine motor skills that will help with writing but isn't obviously writing practice - play dough, pegs, even using small LEGO.

There are also quite a few books that might help - giraffes can't dance, etc.

I was going to say adhd.

@TizerorFizz I won't comment after this as I feel like it's derailing the thread somewhat.
Year 1 are 5/6 years old.
I think we are agreeing on what we would expect to be done except for the term bullying.
I have been in an almost exact same situation with one of my children. We spoke to the teacher, didn't use the term bullying at all and the child was moved seats and the class spoken to about kindness.
I would expect that to be the end of it.
Perhaps other parents may go in baying for blood which is where the differences lay but I still believe that repeated unkindness or violence from one child to another is bullying.

The problem is at 5/6 some and that's with deliberate emphasis, of the "symptoms" or traits we would associate with adhd, dyslexia and autism are to a point quite common among 'neurotypical' children. It becomes more apparent if things don't progress in y2 and y3. Self esteem is really important though and can be a significant additional factor.

Both my boys have struggled with handwriting and writing in the autumn term of y1. Eldest it continued into y2 and then the pandemic hit. With the Youngest something clicked after Xmas. Prior to this he was getting upset and hated writing. He actually didn't want to go to school at all some mornings. I raised it with the teacher (who imo favours girls a lot) and simply some extra praise and time with him was all he needed.

It is always worth raising any concerns with teachers though in case there are some issues. It sounds like your son is very distracted within the classroom setting so they could consider some specific supports rather than "telling off."

@Newuser75 Yes, most DC will be 5 but that’s very young to be labelled as a bully and not remotely helpful. (Had a brain block with Yr!)

Children at 5 can do without this unhelpful label and parents calling out bullies. Schools have anti bullying policies by law and if it’s truly bullying, it must be followed, or what is the point in having it? Bullying has a definition regarding repeated behaviour to harm and I don’t think a 5 year old saying what comes into her head is that because it’s not calculated harm. So by using the term bullying, parents should understand what they are saying too.

Also we never see a “bully” as having needs too. Mostly at 5 when you see violence the child has needs not being met. I think in this case the girl is not aware of how her comments make DS feel together with him struggling. I think we can agree OP should ask about moving seats and the teacher should agree to that and the class have a session or two on kindness and respecting each other. The teacher should then monitor the situation. The OP can help DS at home with guidance from the teacher.