How do you balance parenting with a full-time job?

[hasuty67]

I'm a working mum and often find it challenging to balance my career with raising my kids. How do you manage the demands of work and family life without feeling overwhelmed?

My DD ( HoD Teacher) only manages because she’s got me ( and my DH) I’m there at 07.30 to give my Grandson breakfast and take him to school, I do a lot of her washing, run the hoover round, clean the bathrooms etc. Me and DH pick him up from school x3 and give him his tea at DDs so he’s not stuck in club after school.
His Dad has started WFH one day a week so I have a “day off” and he gets him on Fridays.
I gladly gave up work when he was 6 months old to care for him full time until he was two and started nursery a couple of days a week.

How ft working Mums with more than one and at different schools cope, I have no idea.

We live in a small house close to work and school. Eliminating or minimising the commute for both of us parents and allowing the children to walk to school buys us hours of time. Dc go to ASC and holiday clubs.

Full time teacher in private school with high workload. With 3DC and no family help, it’s ridiculous. Also, I’ve got 2 in one school and 1 in another one. We live rurally so the schools are far away. At breaking point to be honest. Work 8:00-4:00 then put children to bed, then work 7:00-11:00 every night. I then need to do at least 5 hours over a weekend.

I worked shifts so had time off to catch up during school hours which made a huge difference. Also as others have said having an equal partner who will do their bit makes things easier.

We had our first DC 18 months ago and I was really naive in thinking that "you can have it all". Maybe some women can, but I definitely didn't factor in mental health.

After having DC I developed anxiety and PND and actually couldn't deal with the overwhelm of returning to work after maternity leave. I'm now a SAHM but only really because it was better for my mental health. I had every dream and ambition of having a career in finance but motherhood I feel has made me a bit fuzzy, emotional and less resilient and I really don't feel like I'm "cut out for it" anymore. DH is supportive with whatever I want and feel and I am lucky that he earns enough for us to have a comfortable life but perhaps not the life I was striving for with the career I wanted. It's been a very tough lesson for me to learn. Ultimately I didn't want a DC who didn't see their mum from 7am-7pm (which factoring in a commute is maybe only an 8-9hr work day which in finance is really a good day anyway).

I suppose to answer your question, I didn't even return back to my career as I couldn't justify being away from DC that long (probably down to my own mental health more than anything else) but it made me really think about what the point of having children is. If, for example, I don't need to work for a financial reason why have children if you aren't going to be around to be a parent to them. I am increasingly wondering if, given my career was so important to me, I should have had a child. It seemed like the obvious right thing to do, and I genuinely thought I wanted children (four children to be precise) but the reality is tough, and I cannot pretend it's been everything I dreamed this age would be like.

I feel like realistically unless you're happy with DCs having two nannies and solid wrap around care, only one parent can have the demanding career whereas the other must be the flexible one.

Work 4 days per week FTE, cleaner, meal boxes, home workouts in the evenings. DCs are 8 and 5 and go to ASC 4 days a week. Luckily school offer a range of additional clubs e.g. football, multi sports, martial arts after school which means that weekends and evenings aren't taken up with taking the kids to clubs and we can relax. It has been very hard at points over the last 7 years (COVID lockdown was a particular low point) but I am now in a less stressful role at the same company which helps. DS likely has Autism and ADHD which is made worse by stress so we try to keep things as calm and low demand as possible.

A husband who's fully on board and prioritises the kids to the same extent I do.

Two flexible jobs.

A cleaner.

Putting ambition on the back burner and being happy with my career at the point it is now rather than striving.

We're doing ok. Hard relate to this though, my stomach flipped when I read it:

I’ve taken a back seat in my own life and I’m constantly exhausted.

So reading all of these responses, either not working full time, or having a 50/50 partner and/or family who splits the load is the key. No wonder I feel like I'm failing 🤨

Single mum, 2 kids at home eldest at uni. Work full time, doing a masters and my youngest school is half an hour train away because we had to move.

I commute 2 hours a day, but usually it's a lot more because public transport is dire.

I don't know how I do it. I just am. Nobody has died 😆

I work almost FT 9-5 4 days but 9-3 one day, 2 of these days I WFH to do drop off and pick up, but have quite flexible work to do the pick ups and school starts at 8:45
I do laundry on WFH and spend my lunch times cleaning or meal prepping, we also have clubs on my WFH days so actually finish at 4:45 to get to them as only a 5min drive but on my office days I take my youngest to nursery so am usually in the office by 8:15 so work over my hours anyway
DH does a lot in terms of playing with the kids and reading homework, but we try and do this in the morning with our eldest before school now instead
my office days are close to a town so do all present/clothes/crafts etc buying on my lunch hours
and DDs clubs except swimming are drop off so drop her then do a food shop and pick her up on the way home
it’s hectic but it works for us currently
might need to rethink when DS starts school and clubs as well though

I have a 99.9% WFH job with very very minimal need to travel or attend an office. I am also senior enough that I'm essentially able to set my own schedule as long as I get the work done. It's still a juggling act but the flexibility means I can do drop off and pick up and sort our dinner and spend time with DD then catch up in the evening if I need to.

Some woman for one woman. I genuinely couldn't do all that, fair play.

Flexible hybrid job. DH who pulls his weight with everything and prioritises the kids.

I think the key is to try and make things easier for yourself where you can. Some examples of what this looks like:

-Food shopping deliveries are essential, I book a delivery slot every weekend and add to it throughout the week, so say if I’ve just had the last bag of crisps, I’ll add a multipack into the cart for the next delivery.

-We do not have pets. I couldn’t do what I do if I had to factor in walking a dog every day and I have enough housework to do without cleaning up after animals.

-I do the minimum I can get away with where the school is concerned. World book day costumes are ordered off Amazon. Donations for cake sales are shop bought. My kids don’t care that neither of these things are homemade.
I support my kids with their education in that I read with them, take them to the library regularly and help them with their homework, but I can’t attend the endless phonics/maths/reading workshops that are during my working day and I’ve stopped feeling guilty about it.

-Buy extras of school uniform so that the laundry can be done once a week, get into a routine of washing, drying, ironing and putting away so you don’t end up with mountains of it.

-Get a cleaner if you can, get a robot vacuum and dishwasher if you can’t.

As above -

One child by choice
DH who is genuinely 50/50 including shared parental leave when she was born
Local school with wrap around care
I WFH a couple of days a week, DH more
Short commute
Cleaner
Not over scheduling weekends

We don't have family help but I feel very lucky that we have flexible jobs with a high degree of autonomy. I used to be a teacher and I honestly don't know how I could've managed family life in that job.

The only way we have survived is by throwing money at it - weekly cleaner, ironing done by local laundrette, having everything delivered/subscriptions, live out nanny during preschool years and live in au pair during KS1 years (pre-Brexit). Now in KS2 we have no wrap around as kids weren't settling with new providers at school.

No family nearby and grandparents are all in the mid-late 70s so not up to energetic play and endless football matches when they visit.

DH has a demanding job and is out of the house 12 hrs a day since kids were born so I am the primary carer for the children, main housekeeper and work four days a week (can spread my hours across five days if I have to). DH cooks at weekends and can do one drop off at school a week. We both love our jobs and can't imagine either one of us giving it up or reducing the hours further so we carry on like this but it's very overwhelming. There is also some mild SEN so the likelihood of it easing up at secondary school is low. If anything parenting will become harder.

We have a 7 and 10 Yr old, my husband works 60-70 hrs a week shift work, I gave up my career in London when they were small for a job closer to home, still full time, wfh 2 days. The only way we manage is grandparents doing pick up and drop offs. It's horrendous we are all put in this position tbh

Love this philosophy. A few years ago, a colleague unexpectedly passed away. On day 2, a DIR commented that we should look for temporary agency replacement.

It’s really tough OP. I work full time hours over 4 days so that a Friday I can batch cook which lightens the load during the week as I simply just have to defrost the food and heat it up.

I have a cleaner come each week and a gardener during the summer because I simply don’t have the time, it’s pricey but is kept me afloat.

I get a delivered food order every week and have a monthly rotating meal plan.

had a complete nervous breakdown and ended up in a mental hospital now on universal credit :(

a combination of a bit of flexibility, parental support (with money not time), and supportive husband.

that said we are moving 50miles away from our friends next door to my new job so that one of us will be around for school.

Also for me it’s not making life unnecessarily complicated, so DC in the closest school to home (its private and yes I appreciate we are very fortunate to have that option),

but also things like not having a dog (everyone seems to have a dog these days but it adds massively to the to do list)

not going mad for things like Christmas. Seriously I know so many people who add so much to their to do lists by insisting on various unnecessary stuff for Xmas. DC gets lovely gifts which is what she cares about, but we’ve agreed not to exchange adult gifts, keep food minimal and simple and definitely don’t do extras like “dressing the door” and things so many people round here seem to do.

There is full time and full time. I was 0.8 in my previous job and it was too much, hours too long combined with husband having crazy job. We let the ball drop with children and giving them as much attention re home work as they needed plus house work. I quit that job for an easier full time job and things are much easier. I can finish on time and not be working late into the evening or weekend.

That's such a good point - DH and I are full time and each work a 37.5 hour week with flexible start/finish times and a short commute. That's it. No evening/weekend work and only occasional business travel. I don't think it would work if either of us did crazy hours.

If you work full time you have to outsource the majority of parenting surely? It isn't really a balance. You're not parenting and working you're doing one or the other.

1DD, both work FT. Flexible jobs mainly WFH. I pay for independent school for he wrap around care - not available at local rural village schools.

I start work at 0630, break for an hour at 0800 for the school run and finish at 1600 to do pick up.

I do 90% of childcare, cooking, cleaning and garden.

Due to cost of school I can't afford to buy in help.

I works, most of the time, but as another PP says I have taken a backseat in my own life and sacrificed any personal time.