4 year old absolutely hates school

OliveKisses · 2024-09-14T18:29:09+00:00

My 4 year old daughter started school last week and she absolutely hates it. It's definitely separation anxiety as she has pretty much been stuck to me since she was born. She had a tough time settling at nursery and only started to tolerate it in her final term. She only used to go 2.5 days a week but she used cry and cry and cry until I had to go and pick her up. Now she's started school, the same has started happening but this time its way worse. She cries until she makes her self vomit, and the school has no choice but to call me to collect her. When she's at home she keeps repeating 'I don't wanna go to school followed by hours of crying even over the weekend. I've spoken with her teacher who was already aware of how she is from her nursery reports. She's suggested bringing her in a little later so she avoids the rush, but that hasn't worked. I speak to her so positively about school and tell her all the things she has to look forward to, but all she says is "I don't want you to go, I wanna go home with mummy". And before I put her to bed last night she said "mummy if I die and go to heaven, does that mean I don't have to go to school?" My heart is broken, I just want my happy little girl back. I wish I could help her somehow, I feel like I've tried everything. I'm filled with anxiety because I just want her to be happy. Please can anyone offer any advice

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PlantDoctor · 14/09/2024 19:33

Oh your poor little girl :(

I'm sorry, I don't have any good advice. My DD is struggling but not as badly. One thing we did was remove a particular issue she was having trouble with (she didn't like anything on the honestly fantastic school lunch menu, even though she eats some of it at home!). We have decided to send her with a packed lunch until she's more settled. She wasn't thrilled about school after that but she wasn't crying at the gate at least. We also sent her in with a family photo, which she seems to look at daily as it's always moving about in her bag. Would that help or hinder do you think?

Other than separation anxiety, is there a particular issue you could remove for her that might help her not to feel so overwhelmed?

BananaGrapeMelon · 14/09/2024 19:34

Oh OP I really feel for you. This sounds so hard! Do you know any of the other children starting? Could you arrange a play date, and hopefully if it goes well you'll be able to tell DD that she'll get to play with her new friend if she goes to school?

BenHolland · 14/09/2024 19:34

Thats sounds horrid for you both! Maybe talk to the teachers first? Our little one has just started and some of her mates don’t like it. Teachers are quite supportive. Can you make a plan to do slightly less days/hours to start? There will be other kids struggling in her year to differing degrees.

Dillydollydingdong · 14/09/2024 19:37

Sounds as though she's just too young and not ready for school. Some countries don't make children go to school until 6 or 7. Not helpful to you though. Sorry.

Thingsthatgo · 14/09/2024 19:37

When is she 5? I would consider delaying it a bit, if you can.

intrepidgiraffe · 14/09/2024 19:39

When was she 4? If April-August you can pull her out and start her in reception next year (fb page flexible school admissions for summer borns has all the info on this).

Regardless of her birthday she doesn't have to start until the term after she is 5 (although starting mid way through the year may have its own problems).

If you pull her out you need to do this before school census day on 3rd October to get nursery funding for the rest of the term.

Original poster

OliveKisses · 14/09/2024 19:43

PlantDoctor · 14/09/2024 19:33

Oh your poor little girl :(

I'm sorry, I don't have any good advice. My DD is struggling but not as badly. One thing we did was remove a particular issue she was having trouble with (she didn't like anything on the honestly fantastic school lunch menu, even though she eats some of it at home!). We have decided to send her with a packed lunch until she's more settled. She wasn't thrilled about school after that but she wasn't crying at the gate at least. We also sent her in with a family photo, which she seems to look at daily as it's always moving about in her bag. Would that help or hinder do you think?

Other than separation anxiety, is there a particular issue you could remove for her that might help her not to feel so overwhelmed?

she seemed to be ok with the lunch. I drew a heart on her wrist and a one on mine, and told her that if she feels sad or misses me, to look at it and know that I'm looking at mine too, and feeling happy that I'm gonna see her at the end of the day. When I picked her up that afternoon, she said the heart 'didn't get rid of her sad' and just made her miss me more. I have a feeling a family photo might have the same effect :(

Not sure if there's any aspects I can remove, as her only issue is the absence of me

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Original poster

OliveKisses · 14/09/2024 19:47

BananaGrapeMelon · 14/09/2024 19:34

Oh OP I really feel for you. This sounds so hard! Do you know any of the other children starting? Could you arrange a play date, and hopefully if it goes well you'll be able to tell DD that she'll get to play with her new friend if she goes to school?

nope they are all new faces to us. Her teacher told me that she saw a little friendship blossoming with another shy-ish girl. I've been trying to use that as something to encourage her to go, but whenever I mention her name, she just breaks down in tears as I've reminded her of school :(

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Ixon · 14/09/2024 19:48

Just delay her a year. It's not worth it.

LeedsZebra90 · 14/09/2024 19:49

Could you get her used to your absence in a different setting, somewhere/someone she is more familiar with, like leaving her with a grandparent or close family friends?

Deferral may also be an option if she isn't ready to start, depending on her birthday.

Original poster

OliveKisses · 14/09/2024 19:50

BenHolland · 14/09/2024 19:34

Thats sounds horrid for you both! Maybe talk to the teachers first? Our little one has just started and some of her mates don’t like it. Teachers are quite supportive. Can you make a plan to do slightly less days/hours to start? There will be other kids struggling in her year to differing degrees.

yes I was thinking this, but not sure if they will be willing to discuss this yet as she's only been there 1 and a half weeks. I will definitely bring it up though!

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Original poster

OliveKisses · 14/09/2024 19:53

LeedsZebra90 · 14/09/2024 19:49

Could you get her used to your absence in a different setting, somewhere/someone she is more familiar with, like leaving her with a grandparent or close family friends?

Deferral may also be an option if she isn't ready to start, depending on her birthday.

she's absolutely fine without me when she's left with her nan or aunty. as they are familiar faces that she is comfortable with. I do believe she is just not ready

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BirthdayRainbow · 14/09/2024 19:53

If I die.... is so sad.

Keep her off, she's four. She doesn't need to go yet.

Original poster

OliveKisses · 14/09/2024 19:57

intrepidgiraffe · 14/09/2024 19:39

When was she 4? If April-August you can pull her out and start her in reception next year (fb page flexible school admissions for summer borns has all the info on this).

Regardless of her birthday she doesn't have to start until the term after she is 5 (although starting mid way through the year may have its own problems).

If you pull her out you need to do this before school census day on 3rd October to get nursery funding for the rest of the term.

she is a summer baby, born in June. I did consider starting her next year, but I thought she would have to start in year 1 rather than reception? I was thinking this may be even worse for her as the other kids would already be well acquainted with eachother and could be more daunting. I will look into that though, thank you

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intrepidgiraffe · 14/09/2024 20:02

It's a myth about them starting in year one - you do have to get agreement for them to start reception, but in most parts of the country this is straight forward. My May 2020 son is doing another year in preschool and starting reception next September. Request to join that Facebook group and they will give you all the guidance you need.

WimbyAce · 14/09/2024 20:04

Yeah I agree, if she is so sad then delay her start or try less days/hours for the time being. My little one has just started on Tuesday and had tears on Thurs and Fri but not extreme. She is a late April baby and I do feel she is so little for school already but we will see how it goes.

Mintgum · 14/09/2024 20:05

I hated school from the day i started to the day i walked out.
Some kids do settle some dont.
I never did.
Im almost 40 now and still hate schools and get jitty when i walk past them.
My sisters children 1 loved it 1 settled after a few weeks and liked it 1 hated it like me walked out at 14 never to return,

Nousernamesavaliable · 14/09/2024 20:08

Pull her from school. Delay entry until 5 and fight for a csa in reception.
Join fb group flexible summer born...they are amazing and I have secured a reception start for my summer born son for 2025.

Muthaofcats · 14/09/2024 20:10

She’s a summer baby; deffo delay her to compulsory school age. If you pull her out now you would still be able to get your 30 funded hours (if you had it before) so could even send her back to nursery.
shes clearly not ready and high distressed. Why do this to her and to yourself unnecessarily? She’s still so so young. Join the ‘flexible school admissions for summer borns’ group on Facebook and they can guide you on what to do; but you’ll have to move fast. Read all the studies on summer borns and their outcomes, it’s sobering reading and I don’t see how anyone who is aware of the data around summer borns wouldn’t take the opportunity to correct the disadvantage if they can.

it’s a myth they’re forced to start in year one. You just need to get the school to agree to a reception start. You have to make sure the Head knows you deffo will be pulling her out (so they don’t put pressure to keep her there just so they can claim the funding for her place) and say when she joins again next year will it be in year one or reception. That’s all you need to confirm. Then pull her out and start her again next year when she’s had a year more chance to develop like all the autumn borns

BingBongBoo86 · 14/09/2024 20:10

That sounds so tough, OP. I’ve been there with my daughter.

Join the Facebook group Flexible admissions for summer borns. You can still deregister her and put her back in nursery. You’ll get funding but you must pull her out before 3rd October.

My daughter is July born, she’s just started reception aged 5 and 7 weeks. She cried/hysterical everytime we did nursery drop off. We knew she wouldn’t cope with going to school so young. Since joining reception she’s skipped in everyday, loves it and is so ready to learn. Best decision for her.

Original poster

OliveKisses · 14/09/2024 20:11

intrepidgiraffe · 14/09/2024 20:02

It's a myth about them starting in year one - you do have to get agreement for them to start reception, but in most parts of the country this is straight forward. My May 2020 son is doing another year in preschool and starting reception next September. Request to join that Facebook group and they will give you all the guidance you need.

I've just sent a request to join the group, thank you so much. I already feel a little less anxious knowing that is an option. Thank you x

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intrepidgiraffe · 14/09/2024 20:11

Nousernamesavaliable · 14/09/2024 20:08

Pull her from school. Delay entry until 5 and fight for a csa in reception.
Join fb group flexible summer born...they are amazing and I have secured a reception start for my summer born son for 2025.

Yes to all of this - apart from that (depending where you live) it might not be a fight. I was expecting it to be difficult to get a reception start agreed but I just applied and got straightforward agreement.

Cheepcheepcheep · 14/09/2024 20:12

Second all the advice about joining the Summer born CSA group on fb and getting her to repeat Reception. They do NOT have to go into Yr 1, you just have to push them to agree. My 17 August 2020 baby is in nursery this year and will go next year.

4 is too young and knowledge is power.

purser25 · 14/09/2024 20:17

Might be an idea to pull her out. However you did say she didn’t settle at nursery so what would you do with her if she didn’t settle at nursery. She might find it even harder to settle in a year if she hasn’t been anywhere.

Original poster

OliveKisses · 14/09/2024 20:17

Mintgum · 14/09/2024 20:05

I hated school from the day i started to the day i walked out.
Some kids do settle some dont.
I never did.
Im almost 40 now and still hate schools and get jitty when i walk past them.
My sisters children 1 loved it 1 settled after a few weeks and liked it 1 hated it like me walked out at 14 never to return,

I was exactly the same! Even though my girl looks like her dad, her personality is a mirror of mine. I hated school and cried everyday just like she does, except back then there wasn't as much support as there is now

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