4 year old absolutely hates school

[OliveKisses]

My 4 year old daughter started school last week and she absolutely hates it. It's definitely separation anxiety as she has pretty much been stuck to me since she was born. She had a tough time settling at nursery and only started to tolerate it in her final term. She only used to go 2.5 days a week but she used cry and cry and cry until I had to go and pick her up.

Now she's started school, the same has started happening but this time its way worse. She cries until she makes her self vomit, and the school has no choice but to call me to collect her. When she's at home she keeps repeating 'I don't wanna go to school followed by hours of crying even over the weekend. I've spoken with her teacher who was already aware of how she is from her nursery reports. She's suggested bringing her in a little later so she avoids the rush, but that hasn't worked. I speak to her so positively about school and tell her all the things she has to look forward to, but all she says is "I don't want you to go, I wanna go home with mummy". And before I put her to bed last night she said "mummy if I die and go to heaven, does that mean I don't have to go to school?"

My heart is broken, I just want my happy little girl back. I wish I could help her somehow, I feel like I've tried everything. I'm filled with anxiety because I just want her to be happy. Please can anyone offer any advice

It’s horrid seeing how much the younger ones struggle. There was one late august born who used to fall asleep on the mat because it was just all so overwhelming. But even worse than reception is year one; the leap is huge! They join expected to be able to read and write full sentences with punctuation etc. there is no way my child could have done that at just 5. The pressure is enormous even for the older kids. The much younger ones are having a hard time. I don’t get why you’d put that unfair weight onto such a small person if the option was there not to. Obv many summer borns cope ok, so it’s not all summer borns who are doomed to a life of disadvantage and despair of course, but statistically they do not catch up so for every ‘my august born is now a brain surgeon’ there are more sobering stats around the representation of summer borns in kids with SEN diagnoses or the incidence of severe bullying in summer borns etc

it took her forever to settle but she has said she'd rather go to nursery, I suppose because she was used to it and formed a bond with the staff there. Not sure I'd be able to send her there for another year though, as it is always full. We were lucky to get her a place there when we did x

Important to reassure nurseries that they still get the funding for her. Many don’t understand / aren’t familiar with the fact kids don’t have to start school until 5 so need some help. They just need to understand that your child should be treated the same way a September born would.

God I feel so emotional reading your post! Your poor little girl, and poor you. There's a book called the invisible string which is about being separated from the ones we love but still being joined. It might help a little? I really hope she starts to settle soon xx

Some tips to help her settle:

• can you ask the teacher if she can borrow her favourite toy from school over the weekend, and then bring it back on Monday. Means you can talk about going back to school positively over the weekend (we're going to bring your doll back aren't we).

• do you know any other children? Play date with another child, so at least she knows one person.

• get to know the teachers names and talk about them positively at home,. Mrs Knight told me you're going to be drawing castles tomorrow at school etc

• find out timetable and tell her what she's going to be doing the next day

• don't panic, it's still very early, keep going Nd reassess in Week 6 if things are still bad.

Ask to defer the place until next year.

My summer borns aren't starting until after they turn five.

This won't be a popular opinion on here, as I've noticed many Mumsnet posters seem to be very quick to jump on the "delay their start, they're too young" bandwagon at the first mention of a child struggling to settle in Reception. However, I feel in your daughter's case this could be just delaying the inevitable. If she struggled to settle at nursery it's understandable that she's also going to find this transition hard. That doesn't mean she won't settle though. She's only a couple of weeks in, you need to give it time. You say she eventually started to get use to nursery, the same will happen with school. Of course right now she'll say she wants to go back to nursery, because it's familiar. You say she built a bond with the staff there. She will do the same with school staff too. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

Taking her out now could be a big backward step. She's already unsettled, so there's no guarantee she'll settle happily back into nursery after a break. As you're not sure you'll be able to get her back in anyway, the alternatives would be a new nursery, which could be just as unsettling, or keeping her home with you which really won't help her separation anxiety in the long term. If she's this anxious about school now, chances are you'll just be facing a repeat in one year if you defer her. That's her personality. You just need to face it head on and give her time to adjust.

I appreciate it's heartbreaking to see her so upset but I would advise persisting for now. Call a meeting with school to see if they have any more suggestions. The things you've tried already are all good ideas, so hopefully between you you'll find something that works. Part time hours, temporarily until she's more settled, could help and would be preferable to pulling her out completely.

She will get there. It's not uncommon for children to find this a tough transition. While your daughter's level of separation anxiety is quite extreme, it doesn't automatically mean it will last long term and she won't grow to love it. Right now it's just a huge change, and that has understandably rocked her world. Good luck.

I was (am!) a September baby and was apparently very ready for school. Hated it from start to finish, had to be peeled off my mum for months. It's not always an age thing and if I had been deferred, I'd have been exactly the same the following year.

Sounds too young for school. Can you defer her?

This is a very sensible answer.

You can't know you would have been. There's such a huge development in one year..

With a June baby I'd seriously be tempted to pull her out, but I'd make sure you have a sensible alternative in place first. Don't pull her out just to send her to a new nursery.

I would defer her as well.
We're in Scotland and she wouldn't start school till next August if you were up here. I think 4 is too young for school x

She's not ready for school. Ask to defer and spend that time gradually getting her used to parting from you.

it sounds so hard, hugs to you all.

however, I don’t think “pulling her out”’is necessarily the answer (and I say this as a psychologist). You say she has struggled with the separation over several years but is fine with who she knows (family). This doesn’t generally change loads with a year - they just feel their safe people and feel even more than others are not those people. So if this is the issue I would plough on (as someone whose child struggled and it still makes me cry). Can you help create a relationship with a teacher by talking about them and do some play dates as others said? How is she during the day?

I hated school from 1979 until 1993, I missed my mum every minute of every day until I was about 8 and figured out I was stuck with it. Don't tell me I don't know how I would feel, I know exactly how I felt and it was shit.

This sounds really sad and difficult for both of you , no advise really but to all the posters saying 4 is too young I had this worry as mine is a late June bday she's started this Sep and she's absolutely thriving ! They are all very different

I’d delay school until next year. We did this with both DCs and never regretted it.

Take her out. Why torturing her? There was a thread here about a boy who was telling his mum that he hates the school, the kids, the teachers, the everything in there LOL

I'm in the "don't take her out" because I would worry she'd think you weren't serious about school, that she might never have to go again, and it would be too awful for her to have to try again.
She will get used to the staff, a week and a half isn't long enough.

Did you know summer-born children can go part-time? Or start later in the year - like after Christmas or Easter? It’s your right - you don’t have to ask the school’s permission. You can just inform them, although a discussion about what part-time
hours might be best could be beneficial of course.
Government policy set out here: https://www.gov.uk/schools-admissions/school-starting-age

Best of luck

Can you speak to teachers and ask if you can accompany her for a few half days?

Hmm I'm not sure I'd be so quick to pull her out. She didn't settle at nursery either so every chance you'll be going through this again if you defer.

Does she settle at all during the school day or is she crying all day long?

Hi. I'm a teacher and a summer born mum and I looked into deferring. Whether or not they start in y1 or reception seems to be up to each individual head teacher so you'd need to chat to the head or look at other schools.
Personally I'd suggest a reduced timetable. Start her off doing a couple of hours in the morning and build up to include lunch, then staying until maybe 2pm and then a whole day. Take it slowly. The school want her in so should facilitate it in a way to support that happening. Good luck.

All children are different. Some are ready at 4, some are not. This child is not. Don't make her do it if there are other options. There is nothing wrong with her. But there is something wrong with a system that expects these tiny people to all need to be away from home every day regardless of their individual needs.
Give her another year... get her out and about enjoying exploring the world and meeting people with occasional times when she is briefly with other trusted people. She will get there ... but at her own pace, which is fine.