School being weird with me

[Lulybee]

I’ll try to keep this short and concise.

My son is 9 and I’m pretty sure he has anxiety and/or autism. He’s been referred to CAMHS by the school and his GP but was referred back to the school nursing team and I’m waiting to hear from them. It’s been a good few months though.

Recently he had a chest infection and has been off for just over a week now because the original medicine he was given caused an upset stomach and he’s on different medication now. However, the school is being a bit strange with me. They’re calling while I’m at work asking to speak to him, he’s at home with his grandmother. They are demanding that I send proof that he’s on medication etc. It’s fine that they want to check up on him but it just feels accusational?

His attendance has been lower than I’d like this academic year but he has a lot of trouble going in some days. He has panic attacks and his teacher is so lovely and supportive about it. But the school aren’t really doing anything else to help with this. Now I’m not about to force my child into the car when he’s streaming with tears and I can genuinely see that this is really difficult for him. I’m not going to traumatise my child. He’s not my first child, I’m an experienced parent and my 16yr old is autistic so I know the signs. I’m not keeping my child prisoner or abusing him in any way and I understand that he needs an education. But is it really necessary for them to treat me like I’m doing something wrong? I’ve repeatedly asked for help and support regarding his attendance and his symptoms but it seems to be falling on deaf ears.

Does anyone know what I’m supposed to do in this situation? Do I need a solicitor or something?

I hope your son feels better soon.

There are two issues here and one is attendance:

Schools have a duty to safeguard their students so they have to do checks to make sure the child is alive and ok.

This sometimes involves visiting students at home or talking to the child on the phone or by video call etc. They are just trying to ensure they comply with their statutory duty. They aren't singling anyone out and it's standard procedure.

As for the anxiety issue/ lack of support, maybe a meeting with the SENCO would be useful or have you tried that already?

It's probably because it's so close to the end of term (assuming you are England or Wales).
A lot of children get mysteriously "ill" to miss the last few days of term.
Is his medication prescription? Just send them an email with a picture of the label (or even just a photo of the bottle/packet).
If you have proof of a doctors appointment (ie a confirmation text message) screenshot it and send them that.
I assume you will need to go in and collect his things. That will also prove you haven't just gone away on holiday.

What would be helpful for you in terms of his attendance, from the school? You’ve said his teacher is supportive, so whatever s/he is doing has been useful has it?

Would you like some adaptations, such as an earlier start, so he can go in when the classroom is quiet, or a later start, or time out, or a place to go if he’s overwhelmed?

They will be concerned because he’s been off for over a week and they’re obliged to record absences and it’s something that Ofsted will question in general too.

As it’s so close to the end of term, how are you feeling about the new term and presumably, new teacher, in September?

Thank you for such quick replies.

I have had meetings with the SENCO and their solution is to give him a little worm made of wool to keep in his pocket. I don’t think they are taking it seriously at all.

I have provided proof that he is on medication, sent a photo of the bottle with his name and the date issued. It’s still after this that they are calling to speak to him. I’m happy to prove that he was prescribed a different medication beforehand. My mum has even taken his library books in, so they must know we haven’t gone away (I’m a single parent). They know that if we go on holiday, my mum comes with us. I also have one of the staff on my social media’s, they see my posts recently of us being at home etc. like I said, I understand they have to check on him but they aren’t explaining any of this to me.
And for clarity, I have no issue with them wanting to speak to him or see him, I’ve just never had this happen before.

Schools are under a lot of pressure with attendance right now.

If someone has low attendance it is standard to essentially move them onto a proof protocol - so for each absence they ask for doctors appt/medication etc and will ring to check how he is.

It's not personal. It's the system.

I’m worried that a new classroom and new teacher will be difficult for him. I suggested earlier/later starts but this was refused because he isn’t considered so be disabled because he doesn’t have a diagnosis so they say they don’t have the funding for it.

his class teacher is supportive when he’s having a panic attack outside the classroom in the mornings. She is patient with him and understands. That’s the extent of this.

The only other thing they suggested to help was that one of the teachers (that he doesn’t know) comes to my house to fetch him and take him to school. Which I don’t think is helpful in any way because he will stop feeling like home is a safe place.

“I’m not keeping my child prisoner or abusing him in any way” But they don’t know this. Lots of children have died since the start of lockdown, schools need to be vigilent to ensure he is safe. I don’t understand why you think you need a solicitor. All you need to say is he at Grandma’s while I’m at work, her address is 123 A street, you’re welcome to pop in and see him.

If he’s been ill recently, he might well have missed the time when the children meet their new teacher.

I can’t see why funding is needed to allow a child to go into the classroom earlier and evidence of need is what’s required for support, not a diagnosis.

The phone calls and evidence of medication are a normal request for many schools now.
When my son's face was ravaged with impetigo I had to send photos of his face and photos of the antibiotics with the name and date prescribed clearly showing.

They don't take a parents word for it anymore

They have a job which is to teach your child they are not there to tiptoe around your sensitivities

They probably want to confirm that they have "had sight of him" (or at least spoken to him) before going into the long vacation. Then they will sign it off until September.

I know it is annoying, but they have processes and it isn't personal. Still annoying.

Go on to “home education support Scotland “ on Facebook. I know you’re not doing home education but this is why a lot of parents end up making that’s choice . Schools over stepping the mark .

You will find a lot of support.
The admins work alongside the government for the parents of home educated kids, and their rights.

They will keep you right .

Good lucj

99% of the time, 5 days + off at the end of summer term means the family have gone on holiday. So they will be checking that first.

It's an unusual illness to have over a week off so they will be checking that.

Persistent absence has to be verified due to safeguarding procedures. The majority of people are just looking after their poorly child but it's worth inconveniencing the majority to protect the odd one who's being kept at home for a bruise/scar/bone to heal to hide abuse.

Yes, at our school having sight of a vulnerable child (in the sense of being on the
SEND register) is important. You are a good mum, however there are an increasing number of children with safeguarding concerns now.
I would engage with the idea of for instance a known teacher picking him up if I'm honest- at the door if not in the home if you like. It sounds like they are putting resource into supporting him and this could help him.
Do you use social stories? These are great for ASD children.

I once read that for an autistic child being asked to go into school can be like being asked to go into a building on fire. You can provide early/late starts, timeouts, special rooms but the building is still on fire.

Not helpful for your situation but helped me feel better when my teenager stopped going to school at all.

My experience is that the systems are against you. You have to strongly advocate for your child. It isn't easy when they are telling you you are wrong and making you feel small.
I say this as a primary teacher who has been shocked and dismayed by the ignorance of my colleagues.

It's so there is a staff member to look after him.

@Bluevelvetsofa

The funding is to pay for the staff member to be present or maybe two as it is bad practice to be alone with a child in a room.

If there is a class teacher and a TA or a member of SLT, it wouldn’t cost anything to allow a child into the classroom a few minutes early.

It’s something I know can work, because I’ve seen it work in schools and it’s one of the simplest strategies to use.

@Bluevelvetsofa there definitely is a cost involved.

The teacher/TA are in the classroom earlier than start of school because they have work to do -
Catching up on lesson plans
Discussing children who need extra support
Prepping for the day
Etc.

If they're unable to do that at the start of the day because a child is in the room with them, then they'll have to start even earlier.

I'm not saying it isn't a useful and impactful tool. It definitely is. But it's not cost free.

It sounds pretty standard, DS used to need a fair amount of time off of school and I was pretty defensive about it and often took it personally and found it accusatory- now on reflection I can see it wasn't.

As has been said it seems like there's 2 points here, one is the current absence and one is longer term engagement to help support him at school.

For the former I'd accept that over a week is fairly unusual for a child to be absent, not a criticism but I'd happily supply the medication details and also not find it a slight on me if they called to see how he was etc.

Longer term is trickier, have you had a 'formal' meeting yet? Anything in writing? When DS was off a lot I put together a letter and included a letter from his consultant, outlining the measures I was taking to help ensure he attended but also what I wanted to discuss to see if it was possible. Schools can't always magic staff or whatever out of thin air, but if there hasn't been a sit down discussion might be worth a try? One of DS' friends struggles with the morning drop off so he comes in 5 minutes late instead of early, for example, but works for him and the school and he doesn't miss anything except for the crowds and commotion of drop off.

Ask why they are calling to speak to him when you have already advised them of the reason. Ask precisely why they appear to have an issue with the veracity of the information you have provided.

The manner of it sounds disrespectful to me.

@Bluevelvetsofa

I am a TA. I don't officially start work till 8.45am when all the children come in. I'm happy to be in early and prep for the day but it's on my own time- I don't get paid for it and I'm free to pop to the loo, get a coffee etc.

All I will say is then, that I’ve seen a child able to go into school quite happily, five minutes before the rest of the class, when he was quite unable to line up outside, or go in with the rest of his classmates. It was a short term strategy that worked quickly and meant that he was able to go into school and start the day.

It really was only five minutes and it made a huge difference.

But if it’s not possible in OP’s school, another solution will have to be found.

hi @Lulybee
It sounds like you have two issues here.

One is the immediate problem of the school chasing you up on his current illness. What I’d say is just don’t answer the phone to them. You’ve provided the information about his illness and given them the requested evidence, if they don’t like it or accept it that’s not your problem. They should not be asking to see him or speak to him!

Two is that of your son not wanting to go to school generally. So many neurodivergent children are unhappy at school as their bodies and brains don’t allow them to fit into strict school schedules, the ‘one size fits all’ style of education system, the hectic environment and unforgiving behaviour policies. You know this but schools don’t generally accommodate for these kids:(
You need to be putting the ball back in their court and asking how they plan to properly support him if they want his attendance to improve. It angers me how much schools put the responsibility and blame on the parents! HTH x

I'd actually take comfort at them safeguarding your child - especially if SEN is present. During Covid lockdown we had police turn up for a safeguarding check, something notified of them of us not having contact with his school. Completely wrong as in good contact and easily sorted out, I asked my Son to speak to the officer independently and gave our school contact - done and dusted.

As you have provided evidence, offer them to speak to your GP to confirm that he is ill and let your mum confirm she is looking after him. Yes a faff for those doing the right things, but if it catches 1 neglected / abused child surely worth it. Or if something had gone wrong like those poor parents who suddenly die with children in the house, then help is given asap,

I'd focus on fighting for the support and help your son needs. I've also witnessed the early arrival, later finish (just 5 minutes) work well as a starter.

Also, a refocus with jobs - ie putting worksheets out for the class or energy monitor (making sure lights turned off / water resources used properly).