Kids excluded... pls help

[KidsEatSleepWorkRepeat]

Hi All,
First time posting on here as I really don't know where to turn... sorry of its all over the place I'm just trying ro get everything out!!
So a bit of background, mum of 3, age B5, G9 ,G13. I have a partner who lives in his own house who has his own kids similar ages to my younger ones.
Anyway... school....My youngest started school in September (all my children have attended the same private nursery since age 1 and still attend, they dont experience the behaviourlike school, odd moments but nothing major) he's been excluded on numerous occasions for lashing out at teachers and throwing things around the classroom... totally unacceptable (I agree) problem I have is he's the most loving, funny,caring child and loves learning about new things and listens at home and rarely is a bother but his behaviour at school is crazy... they send him home he loves spending time with me, I'm constantly having to leave work which is really affecting me I'm worries I'm going to end up jobless and homeless due to school not been able to handle the behaviour. Don't get me wrong he has his moments at home as do all kids but he turns things round very quickly at home and I don't have the same problems they do.
My middle child has also decided this week to behave in the same manner by throwing a table over and has been excluded for the same amount of time as my youngest.
Anyway, school are now saying that there must be something going on at home for 2 children from the same household been so aggressive.
There's nothing going on at home we have a good routine, as in getting ready, meals, bath, bed are all more or less the same time so it's quite structured, they enjoy coming home and playing or watching TV, reading etc. No changes in homelife.

So I'm just stuck because now i feel that school are blaming my parenting for their behaviour at school and I'm at my wits end as I don't get the same behaviour and it's like they don't believe me... they want me to be transparent, I can't be anymore transparent unless they move into my house!!

I don't know what I'm asking, I don't know what I want, I don't know if it's just to rant but has anyone else every experienced this?

Thanks for reading

Of course it is based on need. But you know how difficult it is to get EHCP. The diagnosis supports the case because it states black on white that the child is aggressive and diagnosis is such and and such. Without any diagnosis the EHCP will dismiss the case

But you are right I would ask for the CAMHs forms now AND apply for EHCP at the same time.

Also the diagnosis helps to understand how to deal with the issue. If it stems from ASD is a completely different story than ADHD.

Have the school done a visual timetable for DS, OP? The suggestion about routine's a good one.

It was sitting on the carpet time that used to send DD loopy.

Is there a certain time of the day 'he is lashing out' ? Could it be linked to him being tired or something he ate...some activity he is doing just beforehand?

Has he had his ears checked by the GP? Glue ear at this age is well known for kids to get frustrated straining to hear and lashing out.

Can I also suggest if there is a certain time of day he's lashing out if you can ask to come and be in the classroom volunteering at that time to see if he reacts differently / you can work out a cause.

I would encourage you to push the school to support assessments, psychological and general.

A child behaving this way is an unhappy one. I don't want to alarm or cause any upset but I would be raising an investigation of possible abuse (emotional or physical) as well as SEN. It is better to consider all possibilities now.

I now know the little boy I went to school with who threw tables was sadly a victim of abuse. All through school he was treated as having a behavioural issue, but that was a years ago and people are better trained.

I do think your parenting (consistent and clear style) may have ensured him feeling very secure - school may be very unpredictable for him.

I would ask the school for their input into supporting him.

How long have your children known your partner and his children? Maybe they're struggling with this man and his children being involved in their lives (even though they don't live together)? How often do they see their dad? Have a chat with your daughters as they're older and ask them to be honest about their feelings.

His behaviour is communication. He’s trying to tell you that something is wrong.
Your job isn’t to stop him communicating, it’s to teach him to communicate in a non-violent way, and to find out what he is trying to tell you.
Feeling embarrassed about it is normal, but you don’t really want him to think you’re embarrassed of him.

This sounds like my son
diagnosed asd however he’s never been excluded as the mainstream then sen school have worked to deal with this behaviour. If they had sent him home then I’m sure the behaviour would’ve increased.

The behaviour isn't ideal but is because he was becoming deregulated so the school worked with him to prevent him from getting this stage.

In terms of EHCP we got his and his sen school place before diagnosis the current wait times at are local hospital is now 5 years. So I wouldn’t wait for diagnosis.

Going part doesn’t help a lot of children and in my sons case his behaviour would be worst when part time (during Covid) the routine and schedules helped prevent this behaviour.

I would look at zones of regulations and my son did a lot of work on emotions and how to deal with them.

Definitely request an EHCNA. On their websites, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. Appeal if refused. You don’t need a diagnosis or have already had CAMHS involvement.

How many days has the school suspended for this year?

Part time timetables should not be used to manage behaviour so don’t let the school use that to get around formally excluding. If you haven’t already, it is worth reading the statutory exclusion and suspension guidance. Similarly, if the school ever asks you to collect without formally excluding DS, refuse. Making sure any suspension is formal will a) provide you with evidence of unmet needs, b) force the school to follow due process, c) limit the number of days the school can suspend for, and d) allow you to challenge any suspension.

It isn’t uncommon for DC to present differently in different setting. More commonly it is DC manage to appear fine at school and explode at home, but it isn’t unheard of for it to be the other way round. Don’t let the school try to spin this as a problem at home because they would probably do the same even if it was the other way round. What support is the school providing?

Again thank you so much for all you advice!
UPDATE I have been to a meeting this morning with school and again he went off perfectly really happy, whilst I was at the meeting he had a 'moment' which the head asked me if I'd go see, so I have gone to the classroom where all the other children were sitting doing phonics and he was at thw door trying to get out so when I opened it he came in quite sad saying that he didn't like phonics and hid under a desk so I explained he had to do it as did all the other children and when he said he didn't want to I carried on speaking to the teacher involved and ignored him to which he started coming out from the table until the head stepped in and asked him to make the right choice. The teacher then explained he has a special desk and he could do the work from there so he wanted to show me and went to do his work.. the head then said that was a very quick turn around.
So back to the meeting and 5 minutes later my son is knocking on the door showing me his amazing sentences he had done!
Head wants me to do half days I've explained it's not feasible with work commitments and already having to make up so much time... she doesn't want to exclude him but may have to continue to do so should his behaviour continue, obviously I've explained I would rather he was in school learning and with his friends and been at home he loves so that won't help, she was talking about going forward and exclusions turning into governing meetings which I have said if that's the case then that's what will have to happen. I have agreed to a SEN assessment (as apparently this will help with school funding!) Although I'm sure uts supposed to see if he has any neurodiverse issues which if they do the assessment will either prove schools not dealing with him in a way that supports or that he does have further needs that need supporting ao its now just a waiting game. I will be doing my research into assessments etc and where I stand with education and support and will look at the sites etc yiu have all recommended. Again thank you for all your advice

Is he very young for the year? When's his birthday? He sounds young. He doesn't legally have to attend school till after he turns 5 so maybe he could be removed and try again next year?

Half days would be an illegal exclusion.

OP says in her first post that her son's 5. He might well have matured a bit in a year but removing him won't help (and how would she manage work in the mean time) - removing him just takes the pressure off school to pull their finger out and get him the educational psychologist assessment and support he needs.

I'm glad you had the meeting OP. But don't just accept what the school tells you. They aren't allowed to force you into half days. They have to make their best endeavours to meet his needs. They don't need a diagnosis for that. They are putting pressure on you. It is THEIR job to meet his needs as well as they can and if they can't, to make the case for funding from the LA and to support you in getting an EHCNA (Education, Health and Care Needs Assessment).

He's nearly 6 so he's one of the older ones... I'm definately going to keep seeking support and I think more so from other agencies etc just for advice as I feel there is other ways they could meet his needs or having the situation defused before he gets so upset angry and emotional. I'm not agreeing to any half days as I don't feel that will help him I think he would love that to spend more time with me and j wouldn't want him getting used to that at all. So going down the route of exclusion and getting the paper trail to have meetings with the school governors seems my only option if school cannot support him and help him find different ways of dealing with his emotions or outbursts in school. It's awful but the only way j can think that we all get the right support.

Harden your heart. This school is not currently making best endeavours. They can do better.

Make sure that each time the school send him home they issue exclusion paperwork as that will help you with evidence for the EHC needs assessment. Be very clear with the school that sending him home without paperwork is an unlawful exclusion. You can email the school after you get your son home detailing date and time you were called to collect child, reason given and that you were not given the required paperwork.
You need to make a paper trail.Email the HT thanking them for today's meeting,start today by documenting today's meeting what was discussed and your understanding of what you have been told. If the school don't have the same recollection then they will need to dispute that and you will have their intentions in email. If they don't dispute it your recollection will stand.

Thanks I emailed when I got home asking for a letter regarding 'the plan' so hopefully they will send that! :)

Your son sounds very similar to mine who is autistic. You absolutely are doing the right thing getting the correct paperwork- I didn't know this when we went through it and the illegally off rolled my child. We are coming up on 3 years now without a school place. You should join the Facebook group 'not fine in school' amazing help in that group