School discovered DS was previously abused - now treating him like damaged goods

[abcd321]

DS5 is in reception and was previously at nursery elsewhere. During his time at nursery when he was 3.5yrs there was a 1m - 2m period where he suffered some mental/physical abuse at the hands of a non-family member. As soon as this was discovered, police were involved but there were no consequences. The abuser is not in our lives anymore.

Straight after the abuse was discovered, DS was a mess - scared, angry, upset. Nightmares all time, throwing tantrums, angry at his little brother, tried to hurt himself with toys e.g. running sharper toys over his skin to make himself bleed etc. We sought help from CAMHS who diagnosed him with acute stress disorder. We attended family talking therapy but these sessions made things worse - as soon as he heard us talking about the events, he would get angry and start screaming and trying to destroy things in the room. In the end we gave up as he would be a mess after every session and it would take so long to settle him again, it felt like we were going backwards. Nursery were fantastic throughout all of this and gave him lots of support.

In the end, we just did the best as we could as a family by providing as much empathy/care as possible and slowly, he has been moving in the right direction in terms of better temperament, less nightmares, talking about the events less, etc. Today I would say he is 99% back to normal.

Things changed slightly at the end of last year when, during "Police week" at school, DS mentioned to one of his teachers that "Mummy had to call the police" because someone abused him. Cue teacher calling me in a panic and my being dragged into school to explain the whole situation. When I mentioned that the teacher had called me about this to DS, he looked really shocked - it was as if he didn't even remember talking about it.

Straight after this, DS started asking to go to the toilet every 5mins at school - and by every 5mins, I mean LITERALLY every 5mins. This obviously alarmed the teachers even more and they started suggesting all these interventions e.g. walkie talkies, someone accompanying him etc. It took several conversations for myself and my husband to convince them to just ignore the whole thing and just let him go to the toilet freely. Lo and behold, his toilet going behaviours have returned back to normal.

But since then, when DS does anything that's maybe slightly unusual, the school calls me. He was tired one day and apparently refused to do PE at school so the teacher called me (sounding very panicked!) to take him home which I refused to do because I didn't want to start a pattern - this happened just once btw. Another time, he started going to the toilet more frequently again but just in one lesson. Now they're telling me DS apparently occasionally knocks over other children's models for no reason - he always apologises afterwards but can't explain to the teacher why he does it. Their suggestion now is that he be put into a social intervention group with other children and I'm being asked to go into school again to discuss this along with other interventions to help him communicate his feelings better.

The above is the totality of the issues btw. He is not behind at school, he is not disruptive, he is well liked and happy. All of the above and only the above are the reasons why I'm being asked to go discuss a social intervention group and other interventions with the school.

AIBU to think that the school is treating him like damaged goods to fit their narrative? All of this is prolonging the pain of what happened in a child that is on the path to recovery. If he were still suffering then I would 100% be looking at every solution available but he appears to be almost 100% recovered.

DS is a completely normal child outside of school - happy, energetic, curious, talkative. He attends different activities, is well socialised and sleeps and eats well - his toilet behaviours are normal outside of school. Had it not been for the school I would have zero concerns about him. I would add that I myself have perhaps not recovered from the trauma of past events and maybe a lot of the reluctance to engage is due to my own reluctance to keep revisiting such a painful part of recent years. We are also considering therapy for DS now that he's a bit older and have discussed this with him although he is still reluctant.

Sorry for the long post - would just like to get some perspective here as I don't know if my view is clouded.

I’m saying this kindly, but I don’t think you understand how communication issues relating to trauma manifest themselves. He may do certain strange things in only particular settings, that’s normal for trauma response and/or anxiety and related issues. He might chatter away happily and have a good vocabulary at home, but he’s clearly having trouble expressing himself at other times.

He's still so young, too, so he’s developmentally going to struggle to make sense of what happened to him. He needs all the help he can get, I don’t think the school are being unpleasant here at all. He has told the school about abuse after a police visit, it’s still there on the surface simmering away, and he needs to be supported to express himself and process it safely.

I have a sister who supports children who have experienced trauma. She says trauma hits continuously throughout life as the older the child gets the more understanding of the event(s). It doesn't go away and will continue to echo so the support needs to be ongoing.

She always recommends play therapy and full engagement with their key workers to ensure it is a team approach.

I do feel it was a little unfair not to tell his teacher. Child safety education was always likely to trigger him. I would take all supports for him and expect for further impacts along the way.

This is what they’re proposing. However last time I suggested therapy the head wrinkled his nose and questioned why on earth I would want that for DS. Can I force them to accept a play therapist into school if the head doesn’t want it?

Thanks, do the schools always agree to play therapy if she suggests it? My head was reluctant last time I mentioned so I wonder how to force the situation if he still says no.

When I mentioned that the teacher had called me about this to DS, he looked really shocked - it was as if he didn't even remember talking about it. Why did you tell him?

I am not blaming - your family has been through something horrendous - but maybe he is worried if he senses you are very upset by it.

I'd seek counselling for you, in order for you to better help him.

And I agree it was very unhelpful not to tell school, they really needed to know.

I’m trying to maintain a policy of honesty with him - rightly or wrongly. I do feel guilt over what’s happened because ultimately we exposed him to this person who hurt him and it went undetected by us for 1 - 2 months so that is really hard to mentally overcome. I agree I need help too.

I think you need help for you, and help focused on how to care for him.

There's a difference between full exposure and honesty. Why did you think it would help him to know about this?

We all keep quiet about things all the time as parents. That doesn't make us dishonest. Lying is dishonest, keeping quiet is often helpful.

It sounds incredibly hard

I would worry it might have been a mistake to tell ds that school called you - if he feels anxious talking about this with you (for any reason whatsoever) he might feel like he now can't say anything at school because they will tell you. Did you consider his shocked reaction might be because he didn't realise they would tell you?

I would be surprised if school could afford to get in play therapists, I've never heard of it (not to say it doesn't happen!). Is it something you could afford yourself though if not? If he is now wary of talking at school it could be a new 'safe' person to talk with. I definitely think it is worth doing. Kids don't need telling everything though, honesty is good but you have to take his age and experience into account.

I actually think the teacher sounds extremely caring and very concerned about him which is good. Your attitude seems really off though - you were 'dragged' into school to explain? Of course they're concerned, but you just seem to want to ignore any unusual behaviour and just hope it resolves itself. Which is might have seemed to with the toileting - but then it started up again did't it? It feels like you're desperate to sweep it all under the carpet.

How do you measure that's he's 99% back to normal? What's the 1%? I also think you're wrong to 'discuss therapy' with DS - he's a 5 year old, he couldn't possibly understand, you tell him he's going to go do some activities and play with some toys with a really nice lady. It feels like the trauma you've suffered is affecting how you're parenting ds you're treating him like a mini adult and need him to be over it. Get some help for both of you if you can.

Sounds like you are doing really well OP to support your child in the aftermath of what must have been a very upsetting time. Schools don't really have the staff/budget to provide support to all those they would like to at the moment so if they are offering this intervention to your DC I would take it. They are on your side.

Please try to get some support for yourself- whether that is talking therapy or online support groups - I think it will help you process what has happened to you all (especially the parental guilt).

Speaking from experience (as someone who had a traumatic childhood, and as a teacher who works with lots of children who do), the effects of trauma really do last a lifetime and there is some level of acceptance needed by you there - this will not just go away, no matter how well DC seems to be coping. Coping is not processing.

I highly recommend the book 'the body keeps the score' to understand more.

I do agree my own issues are clouding things. I wanted to tell him so that I could encourage him to open up to his teachers more which it appears he has been doing.

It’s hard to fully lay out the interactions with the teachers but I agree with you that their actions are filled with good intent - the execution however often has created a lot of confusion and hence extra anxiety which has created a lot of frustration for myself and my husband. Hence our reluctance to necessarily take on more of their suggestions.

i think play therapy is the way forward - I am happy to pay out of pocket. However last time I mentioned this to the head he tried to point me in the direction of a teacher who had done a 2 day drawing therapy course instead which did not fill me with hope. A 2 day course does not compare to a psychology degree and years of experience.

No, of course you can't force the school to accept a play therapist coming in! What you CAN do is take the school up on their offer of social intervention groups, and organise play therapy for after school/weekends.

The head's opinion of therapy is utterly irrelevant- this is your child, so you make the decisions. In your position, I would be organising play therapy (well, I would have organised that two years ago, actually, but better late than never).

CAMHS told us no play therapy until he was 5 which is why we went down the family talking therapy route.

I did reach out to private therapists a few years ago but most said he was too young which made me sceptical of the very few that said they would accept him.

What you CAN do is take the school up on their offer of social intervention groups, and organise play therapy for after school/weekends. I agree with this.

Accept your child needs extra nurture and put it in place.

family talking therapy route was this camhs? Seems far too young for this.

Yes. That’s specifically what they said we needed.

There's one teacher at our primary, every year she finds a few children in her new class she flaps about insists on a SENCO intervention. So the parents are upset, ditto children. SENCO come, check find nothing amiss just five year olds being fidgety.

Thankfully the following year they move up and you hear no more. Some parents wise to this speak to the head to avoid further children going into this class.

So I would have a chat with the head.

Im so sorry for what you and your family have been through. It must be unimaginably difficult. From the outside your posts really do shout out that you need to prioritise some help/ therapy for yourself. Thats actually your first step in supporting your son in the short and long term.

I think your thoughts on the best way forward are (understandably) clouded by your own trauma and aren’t necessarily in your sons best interest eg to tell him what the teacher said wasnt appropriate or helpful

i know you said its on your to do list and i know its not something you may relish doing but please prioritise it for you and your son

@abcd321 I am not sure what the rules or guidance is in your jurisdiction. I am in Dublin and I am aware that where possible play therapy is used and supported in schools.

I would let him do the group.

I have abuse in my childhood and the most damaging thing was my mother hushing it up not wanting to talk about it. Thinking because my grades were good I should be fine emotionally. My situation was different because my parents didn't know at the time or keep me safe their damage happened when I told them during my teen year when I had a breakdown. Knowing I was the family secret did more damage by far than the abuse so be careful not to do this to your child. But at the same time I could not tolerate the topic being raised by others so be conscious of that. You need to be safe and available for your child. Reaffirm you love them they are awesome you are proud, it's fine to feel sad/angry/anxious mummy is here for you (without reference to why keep it as a basic fact and say the same to your other child dont single him out).

Family therapy was horrendous in my experience definitely made things worse. The stuff that helped was non specific like art or play therapy where they didn't make me talk about it. And nothing with my family helped. Allow him his support away from you and confidential from you.

There is a good chance he knows you are not over it you so is hiding his real feelings from you.

BUT I do think your point about the teacher panicking and blaming everything on the abuse could have weight. I'm actually neurodiverse too and had struggles completely unrelated to my history but everybody who I I sought support from was it seemed to me obsessed with my past. Making me go over details and retraumatising me when it wasn't that I needed help with. I'm sure I would have got past it years earlier had i been allowed to avoid the topic as I wished. But the important point is I wanted to know it was safe to share but be allowed to avoid it not have it hushed up.

It takes years to move on from and two years is nothing really. I actually found I needed adult understanding and adult brain before I would say I really got past it.

Your use of the phrase “lo and behold” suggests your are close minded

Forgive me for being so direct but I think you've stereotyped the children as people would in the past - a bunch of r*** kids flailing around or something. Actually a great deal of them will be more normal / have come from much more normal circumstances than your DS (who has come from a serious abuse situation)!

For example, some might just be having a spot of anxiety or going through an anxious phase. For clarity this is not what your DS is going through – he has abuse-related trauma in some form. Some might also be diagnosed SEN but behave beautifully in most circumstances.

It will be a good calming and safe environment for your DS though certainly won't fix the root of his issues (not the same as therapy)

I would be wary of interventions by well meaning, but non-specialist staff. Schools have been fed a lot of information about "trauma-informed" approaches to behaviour management. They are told "all behaviour is communication" and are on high alert for trauma. Fundamentally, most school staff are teachers, not psychologists or therapists. I would be really sceptical of them ascribing trauma explanations to every behaviour.

By all means get your DS play therapy, get your own therapy. But I would be as wary as you about letting teachers put in faddish interventions. I'd ask about whether those interventions were evidence based and the teachers were fully trained as a minimum.

I would urge you to accept the place in the Nurture group as soon as possible. My dgs’s school’s nurture room was a calm, peaceful sitting-room and kitchen, with scaled-down furniture, toys, board games. Prior to that, he had access to a sensory room at nursery.

At first, I had no idea how Nurture group would make a difference, because at that point I was overwhelmed by legalese, court dates, social work reports, and what I now know to be my own secondary trauma.

What worked for me was to decide “Sod the homework” and concentrate on high nurture and high structure.

In one way I was very lucky in that the ACE was first recognised by the nursery, and from that point the dgc moved almost seamlessly from nursery to primary and now secondary.

It’s important to recognise that trauma can have a lifelong impact and the child will need input at key stages as he matures and develops a different perspective.