School discovered DS was previously abused - now treating him like damaged goods

[abcd321]

DS5 is in reception and was previously at nursery elsewhere. During his time at nursery when he was 3.5yrs there was a 1m - 2m period where he suffered some mental/physical abuse at the hands of a non-family member. As soon as this was discovered, police were involved but there were no consequences. The abuser is not in our lives anymore.

Straight after the abuse was discovered, DS was a mess - scared, angry, upset. Nightmares all time, throwing tantrums, angry at his little brother, tried to hurt himself with toys e.g. running sharper toys over his skin to make himself bleed etc. We sought help from CAMHS who diagnosed him with acute stress disorder. We attended family talking therapy but these sessions made things worse - as soon as he heard us talking about the events, he would get angry and start screaming and trying to destroy things in the room. In the end we gave up as he would be a mess after every session and it would take so long to settle him again, it felt like we were going backwards. Nursery were fantastic throughout all of this and gave him lots of support.

In the end, we just did the best as we could as a family by providing as much empathy/care as possible and slowly, he has been moving in the right direction in terms of better temperament, less nightmares, talking about the events less, etc. Today I would say he is 99% back to normal.

Things changed slightly at the end of last year when, during "Police week" at school, DS mentioned to one of his teachers that "Mummy had to call the police" because someone abused him. Cue teacher calling me in a panic and my being dragged into school to explain the whole situation. When I mentioned that the teacher had called me about this to DS, he looked really shocked - it was as if he didn't even remember talking about it.

Straight after this, DS started asking to go to the toilet every 5mins at school - and by every 5mins, I mean LITERALLY every 5mins. This obviously alarmed the teachers even more and they started suggesting all these interventions e.g. walkie talkies, someone accompanying him etc. It took several conversations for myself and my husband to convince them to just ignore the whole thing and just let him go to the toilet freely. Lo and behold, his toilet going behaviours have returned back to normal.

But since then, when DS does anything that's maybe slightly unusual, the school calls me. He was tired one day and apparently refused to do PE at school so the teacher called me (sounding very panicked!) to take him home which I refused to do because I didn't want to start a pattern - this happened just once btw. Another time, he started going to the toilet more frequently again but just in one lesson. Now they're telling me DS apparently occasionally knocks over other children's models for no reason - he always apologises afterwards but can't explain to the teacher why he does it. Their suggestion now is that he be put into a social intervention group with other children and I'm being asked to go into school again to discuss this along with other interventions to help him communicate his feelings better.

The above is the totality of the issues btw. He is not behind at school, he is not disruptive, he is well liked and happy. All of the above and only the above are the reasons why I'm being asked to go discuss a social intervention group and other interventions with the school.

AIBU to think that the school is treating him like damaged goods to fit their narrative? All of this is prolonging the pain of what happened in a child that is on the path to recovery. If he were still suffering then I would 100% be looking at every solution available but he appears to be almost 100% recovered.

DS is a completely normal child outside of school - happy, energetic, curious, talkative. He attends different activities, is well socialised and sleeps and eats well - his toilet behaviours are normal outside of school. Had it not been for the school I would have zero concerns about him. I would add that I myself have perhaps not recovered from the trauma of past events and maybe a lot of the reluctance to engage is due to my own reluctance to keep revisiting such a painful part of recent years. We are also considering therapy for DS now that he's a bit older and have discussed this with him although he is still reluctant.

Sorry for the long post - would just like to get some perspective here as I don't know if my view is clouded.

I found a play therapist in our area using the Owl Centre online database.

Talking therapy is generally not considered appropriate for a child under 7 so I'm slightly surprised that was offered.

Former teacher here who mostly worked in primary but has worked in secondary.

In the primary that I worked in a number of children accessed play therapy - children with ASD, situational mutism, and children who had experienced violence.

The problem with abuse/violence tends to be that you don't see the consequences in terms of behaviour until the teenage years by which point it can be hard to fix.

Accessing play therapy helps younger children begin to process what has happened to them at a point when they don't have the language skills for therapy per se.

So you get kids who re-enact through dolls scary incidents in their home life. The therapist can then help them understand that what they did was ok (small children tend to blame themselves).

The fact that he is good and compliant now in no way means that he is "recovered". If he knows he has a safe space to play and remember these things he will be much more psychologically healthy in the long term.

Thank you. Do I just ask the SENCO to arrange for someone to come into the school? Is it free or do I need to pay?

I'll stop going on about my family but this is very much my mum's issue too. Childhood trauma which she admits to but prefers getting on with things, has kind of a learned helplessness in the face of (ND - trauma or otherwise) kids acting up – she would say she tried her best and I agree she was stretched to the end of her tether by certain behaviour from my brother, but I find her choosing to sweep many things under the rug really odd, etc. They say trauma is generational & cyclical for a reason

Thank you for this. Did the play therapist come to your school or to your home? Do you have to pay for this?

At the primary I worked at the play therapist came into school and it was free for families (school paid).

That was about ten years ago, and it probably varies by school.

Nurture groups are usually very low key at this age, it's more like practicing social skills, taking some children out of a busy environment who may need a bit of- nurturing! My dd went to one when she was about 8 and it was fine, no stigma at all at that age.

Depends on your area. mine was an area of deprivation so there were pots available.

Ask the local authority. Ask the school senco. Ask your GP.

Ask whoever was involved at the time- social services? Police? You will have been focused on immediate things. Now you can go back with longer term goals.

He was a victim of a crime, so that may help you access funds fo r therapy too.

But don’t confuse nurture group with therapy. Nurture group is therapeutic, not therapy.

I think you need some therapy for you yourself to process what happened to your child.

Re the school interventions, personally for me, as someone who’s always had to beg for support for my own kids, I viewed it much more positively. The group work sounds like a standard communication group, where they’re encouraged to work through small problems together I.e. encouraging positive communication such as they may all have to work together to build a marble run, use their words or actions to ask for more pieces, take turns etc it’s very mild and quiet. It works on communication from a very simple level, building up. Your son clearly is struggling to communicate which is why he keeps wanting the toilet, he’s clearly upset and fixating on thoughts and feelings but the outlet he has is asking for the toilet. The knocking over of other children’s work is also a form of communication, what he wants to get accross I have no idea, but he’s sending out a message in the way he can. Small group work that focuses on communication will be good for him I think. He’s not fine, he’s struggling, and the school are saying they want to help. Let them.

But there's a difference between therapy for your specific issue vs being lumped into a group session with various neurodiverse children of different ages to talk about your feelings right?

groups like the ones being suggested are not going to be let’s get in a circle and talk about our problems at that age, they will be very chill, fun, often games and just chit chat and essentially about learning to express their selves in ways that are healthy, in a low stress, small group thing, as this is something your son is struggling with because of his trauma.

I would agree for the need for therapy for myself!

My question is that what you describe in this communication group does not sound like something he struggles with. He shares, plays well with his friends, works with them to build rockets/ships etc.

He has anxiety that manifests through repeatedly going to the toilet - perhaps some control element. The knocking over models for no reason is just bizarre and not something we see in any other setting but if we were to hazard a guess is again related to his trauma. How does learning to work in a group setting help him with his trauma?

If it doesn't then would there be any value in going?

Any opportunity to reduce your anxiety levels, and learn to manage anxiety, is good. This group is designed to do that.

Your question is a bit like ‘Why would yoga classes help me be less anxious when I’m driving?’.

Your DC is showing signs of stress. These groups help stressed children.

His vocabulary and social skills could be awesome, and he could be getting stomach ache from internalised anxiety.

My DS had excellent social skills and vocabulary and communication skills. He also had migraine and eczema from stress.

He internalised all the stress he saw around him. He tried very hard to be a good boy and not cause anyone a moment’s worry. So all his bad feelings were squashed down, never a complaint, just a few days vomiting and sleeping, and or pompholyx on his feet.

Got you! 🤐

I was awesome, too! A real pillar of the community, activist type. Known to manage stressful situations calmly and safely and respectfully for all.

And now I have fibromyalgia, burnt out from coping brilliantly for years.

The aim isn’t to cope brilliantly. It’s to process and learn to recognise your feelings, and to look after yourself.

Your little boy doesn’t have language to express what happened, or how he feels about it. He won’t know how he feels about it. But he may develop a random fear of loud noises, or a recurring stomach ache, or a tendency to get injured while playing.

The nurture groups are often ELSA support. You can Google it to see what they do and lots of children access groups or individual sessions in school. It’s really positive and age appropriate. My DD had a number of sessions for a while when she was getting anxious about school. It worked well and gave her age appropriate strategies to cope.

One of the wonderful things the group did for my DC was demonstrate loving behaviour.

School can about lining everyone up neatly and getting irritated with people who make the line look messy.

Nurture group gave the messy ‘I don’t want to come today’ kid a hot milk, a hug, and a friend to sit with while they colour. It literally demonstrates healthy self care and how to be a supportive friend. It’s the living opposite of ‘pull yourself together, big boys don’t cry, stiff upper lip’! 🤣🤣

I am actually stunned that his nursery did not pass this information on to the school as part of their soft data hand over. Child protection records they held on your child absolutely should have been shared with his new setting. I'm also very surprised you didn't feel it important to pass onto them yourself either when he started. They should have known from the off. It's not a shame secret to hide. These people are working with your son day and day out and need to know everything about him in order to ensure they give him the right support.

Either way, it is important for the school to know so thank goodness they do now, so they can liaise with the outside agencies they have links with if ever they feel he needs further support with anything trauma related in the future.

You acknowledge you're not over what happened, but you believe your son is? He's a small child who experienced abuse with lasting trauma less just a year ago. I would be working with the school, not against them, on this if I was you as clearly your child is not simply going to be over it. Trauma isn't something you get over, it's something you learn to live with and cope with and a child in Reception is far too young to have developed those strategies yet, especially if he hasn't been receiving support in school until now as they were oblivious of his past.

I sincerely hope he is able to receive the continued support he needs. Schools have links to the most amazing people. Use them. Your son's past is not something you need to try and hide. For his sake, you need to treat each day as it comes. There will be good and bad days. Lots of good days in a row is a great sign, but never assume it's a sign he's 'over it'.

I would seek further support for yourself too OP as you've had an awful experience and are clearly still suffering the effects too. Good luck.

My ND child who had also experienced trauma really benefited from nurture groups and therapeutic interventions at a young age. I understand your desire to put this behind you, but for your son it will be an ongoing process for him to recover, and he may not be aware of his own feelings around this. I think that he blurted it out at school is a sign that he is asking for more support to process this.

You absolutely should have told the school about the abuse your son suffered- it will still be affecting him, and he spends most of his waking hours there.

I would ask for a meeting with the class teacher, head and SENCo/inclusion lead to come up with a plan going forward, as it sounds like the teacher isn't dealing with it in the best way.

And yes, he should absolutely be taking part in any and all social/nurture groups the school offers.

It sounds like the school are demonstrating a good awareness of the potentially life changing and long-standing consequences of trauma, and potential indicators in your son that the trauma remains unresolved. I also suspect your own experience of trauma has left you somewhat avoidant of truly being able to sit with the potential impact on your ds, as that would undoubtedly be difficult for any parent. Moving forwards I’m sure your son will benefit from having a school who is so invested in his wellbeing and is offering additional support, (which I think you should take up) and having a parent who can give guidance to the school about how not to add additional stress to your son by seeming alarmed by some of his behaviours.

Now they're telling me DS apparently occasionally knocks over other children's models for no reason - he always apologises afterwards but can't explain to the teacher why he does it. Their suggestion now is that he be put into a social intervention group with other children

Given the background and the way he is displaying some destructive behaviour, I think emotional literacy support sounds like a good idea. It certainly can't do any harm! Primary school classes are so huge honestly any offer of smaller group support I would jump at the chance.

You're right that the teacher might be hyper sensitive to the behaviour now she knows the background. But to me that sounds like she's being proactive in addressing issues as they arise, rather than ignoring them?

I think it is pretty unlikely that the school will pay for a qualified play therapist. It sounds like they are offering a kind of nurture group. If you think he needs or should have more specific and professional help you may be able to access this via a referral to social care or through the well being hub or your GP depending how things are organised in your area. Most primary schools do not have the budget for 1.1 therapy.

Did you have social services involvement when it happened?

I'm just asking because my son will start primary in September and we have to fill out some forms for him and one of the questions is if we ever had ss involvement.

So you’re traumatised by it but you don’t think the child that experienced it is traumatised? That seems unlikely