Reception experience / anxiety : move schools?

[whatevershallwedooo]

Hoping getting this out in writing help and need the opinion of others too as I’m going round in circles. It’s going to be a long one as I need to get it all down.

dd in reception. December birthday, bright + able

currently in 2 form entry school. 60 kids in reception. 50% more boys than girls : relevant as my dd is textbook ‘girl’ if you were going to label her personality. Plays with girls more, enjoys her learning, not rough and tumble at all - always upside down doing cartwheels handstands, enjoys crafts, by her own admission finds the boys too loud and chaotic etc.

we chose a ‘bigger’ school for her to have a bigger pool of potential friends. It hasn’t worked out that way unfortunately and she actually only has a pool for approx 10 girls in her class. She is slightly off beat and while she loves to make friends she just gels better with some (just like adults I guess?) and unfortunately, as yet she just has not found her people in school. I know their personalities are just emerging but others seem to be grouped off in budding friendships.

school overall, has potential but is nothing special in terms of the offering - local to us to we can walk which I do like. Quite ‘cold’ feeling now I realise, not very nurturing. New head who might make it better but not sure she will stick it out. My DD is ‘doing well’ so doesn’t get any time with teachers, only read to her TA twice last term.

her younger brother is due to start this September. He is late summer born.

DD is showing huge signs of anxiety, and is aware she is struggling to make friends in her school setting. She makes friends well in other settings (dance class, swimming club, random kids at soft play etc family friends etc), I don’t suspect any neurodiversity. just think it’s bad luck with the pool. But the anxiety is worrying me. Picking her fingers and skin until they bleed when ‘nervous’ telling me school is too busy/noisy etc. often says she spends a lot of energy ‘looking for a friend’ is spending time with those kids who have 1:1s and I suspect this is because they have an adult she can talk to.
but despite this she says she does not want to move school. I have said just in conversation that there are options, nothing has to be forever and perhaps we could have a look - nothing heavy has been suggested to her. Is that resistance just fear of change from a 5 year old?? Should we just present it as a done deal?

there is a a small (mixed class) school about 12 min drive away which is polar opposite. By chance, High ratio of girls in the year she would go into. Church school (we’re not religious but can appreciate the values) very cosy feeling. Lots of whole school activities. But v small. Planned intake of 15 with stand alone reception and then 1/2 3/4 5/6

is it a no brainer to try and get them both in there? Her as an in year transfer, DS as a late change to the application? It might not even come off as no idea if they wound have specs in the next intake for him. Or do we persevere where we are? Afterall I don’t know a new school would solve anything (but maybe it would)

Im gutted I feel like I’ve absolutely ballsed everything up and she’s going to be upset at moving and it may not even work out as have to consider getting 2 spaces. But I feel like we are going to lose her sunny nature to the anxiety that school + not being able to settle with friends may bring.

what would you do?

anything to help her anxiety if we don’t move her (and even if we do)? I don’t know where to go with it beside just love her as much as we do, giving her time, attention, space.. she really does have a caring loving home. We would do anything for these kids. Would child play or art therapy be useful for an increasingly anxious child?

Some kids find the bigger settings with lots of adults and lots of children difficult.

I deliberately chose a small school for mine as they would get to know and build relationships much better. It's not unusual for small children to prefer a smaller social group to bigger ones.

I'd move her.

Couple of thoughts:
If she's not found her tribe out of aprox 20 girls (there must also be girls in the other class for break time etc?) what are the chances in a group of aprox 8 girls?
Are the kids 1 school year apart? Any concerns about having them in the same class half the time?
Tough decision to make.

I would look at moving schools but this other smaller school doesn't sound like it would work either. If she's yet to find a friend out of the 9 girls in her class and potentially 10 ish girls in the other class then I wouldn't be looking to limit the pool of potential friends even more.

Also in the smaller school she would often be in a class with her brother would that be an issue ?

Finally does the school have space for both of them? If it does that would be a slight red flag for me as a small school with immediate space suggests problems with intake. Also worth noting smaller schools can feel quite claustrophobic as they get bigger and people often move their children before secondary so it's not so much of a shock and therefore any friends she might make could potentially move away.

If you go with the new school I would defer your DS a year. It will be hard to be the youngest Y1 in a Y1/2 class, and even worse if your sister is one of the high flying Y2s.

Small school does have places, less so in the younger years as they have introduced wrap around which has obviously boosted intake from the local town. Applications have increased massively since they added this.

I absolutely get what people are saying about going to a smaller pool of people. We are limited in options, it’s basically where she is, a catholic school in our town which I wouldn’t really want- or then 3 small schools each with combined classes. The one I speak of is my favourite of these three (and the biggest in terms of student population), but they all have spaces.

we did approach another 2 form entry school further away but they are full. We can’t logistically manage any further way as both work.

not concerned about the class sharing in terms of their relationship- I don’t know how teachers manage the mixed classes but they concisely do as these schools all do well academically.

I know it is not all 100% ideal.

I really dont know what to do for the best

What have you done to foster friendships within her current school? Play dates, park trips etc.

You will essentially be moving her from a small pool of girls to another and there's no guarantee you won't have the same issues there. My kids have all gone to a similar sounding small school (max 15 kids per year group) and although I have got lucky and all have found friends fast, I know of others who have struggled.

I'd personally try and encourage friendships with her school friends by inviting them over and see how that pans out. Most 5 year old girls enjoy being girly so she won't be that unusual amongst them.

Move her.

I'd move her. Her brother starting in September may give her extra reassurance too.

We do host play dates occasionally, I am quite integrated with the mums- more recently when I’ve offered she hasn’t known who she would like to come and play from school. She attends all the birthday parties - receives invites from both classes which is not always the way so that is nice (but actually parties are often where i can most see she is slightly ‘other’ from the group unfortunately - I find it tricky to watch).
she had a small birthday party intentionally so to have some girls here and that went well but she’s just not hitting her stride with her peers.

What do I do?

she is in afterschool care 4 days out of 5 and attends lot of interest clubs (ballet, swimming, rainbows, kids singing/music club) - we do more play dates with her ballet friends than school, it just feels very natural, unforced- just kids playing together because they want to - she has been with some of those girls since 18 months.

she doesn’t struggle as much to make friends in other settings, often picking up a buddy at playgrounds or through her activities- school just seems to be a problem for her & the increasing anxiety is absolutely not helping. She 100% aware that she is struggling there and it’s making things worse. Like a negative feedback loop. Maybe I have made it worse by dropping in about other schools being available. I do reassure her, give her space to talk about it, leave her if she doesn’t want to - I am really trying.

Just wait and watch?
School Offer day for her brother is bringing it to a sharp focus (maybe I’m panicking) but maybe we wait a bit?

Have you spoken to the teacher and explained her anxiety and asked what support/strategies they have for managing relationships?

If she’s got close friends outside of school, then surely as long as she’s got people she’s friendly with at school so she’s not alone at playtime then she doesn’t need a best friend there? I’m sure you don’t feel like you need a best friend at work?

I’d be wary of the smaller schools, as pp have said people tend to leave before Y6 to get their kids used to a bigger environment before secondary, pls it’s a smaller pool of potential friends, and there’s the possibility of academic comparison with her brother as they get older. If she struggled to make friends there and he doesn’t it would be very in her face as well.

@OperationalSupport i do need to speak to the school again and be more clear that she is struggling emotionally - they don’t even have her having any issues on their radar. She’s bright, she gets left alone.
It should be though, even the anxious picking- her hands are absolutely shredded.

Absolutely re not needing a best friend. We would never perpetuate that a best friend is needed (or indeed healthy) at 4/5 years old. but I appreciate being 5 years old and being in the classroom all day probably feels quite hard when you’re a bit of our step.

I will speak to school again and try to not make a knee jerk reaction.

where does everyone who moves their kids out of small schools pre secondary move them to? Where do the spaces in bigger schools come from?

In my area the spaces in higher year groups appear because of people moving their children into private schools at 7 or 9, plus once you’re past Y2 schools can take classes up to 32 instead of 30 which some choose to do.

I do think school should be doing more, and with the available options you’ve outlined I’m not sure a move is the best approach now. I’d want school to be talking to the whole class about inclusivity, and role model how to ask/invite people to join in games.
Some local schools here have the lunch supervision staff employed as ‘play leaders’ to encourage games and involve as many children as possible.

Can your daughter articulate what the issue is? If she’s got pretty typical interests and no problem making friends in other scenarios then what exactly is happening at school that she doesn’t feel she can join in with? Is it that the other children consistently play games she doesn’t like? That they don’t go along with what she suggests? That they don’t let her join in (which is bullying and the school need to deal with)?
No need to post all that here, but hopefully further info will get you and school to the root of it so a plan can be put in place.

Im sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s not easy to know our little ones aren’t happy and we can’t be there to help them.

What are her current interactions like at school? Is her anxiety from not having close friends or is she being totally shut out of playing with all the children?

My daughter sounds similar to yours and doesn’t have best friends at school like many of the other girls do. She isn’t upset or anxious about it though.

I’ve noticed that she’s more likely to be on her own at parties as well, but it doesn’t seem to bother her. She plays with some children some of the time and other times is happy to be on her own. I tell her it’s good to be friendly to everyone and it’s okay not to have a best friend.

It sounds to me a bad idea with the new school with both your DC in the same class. It can be very bad if your DS does fantastically socially and she doesn’t.

Also your DD might not be good with making new friends. She has been with her activity friends for years now isn't it.

My DC2 also struggled socially since primary school but had many solid friends when she was in preschools. However she wasn’t bothered by it. Also is your DD very mature for her age? You mentioned her being a December child. Are her friends from activities all older than her? My autumn child’s friends from preschool are all in the school year above.

@SpringBunnies I’m not sure she’s really mature but she is an old soul, always has been.. has lots of feeling and thoughts and observations but doesn’t know what to do with them- do you know what I mean by that? It’s hard to describe, she is quite different from this school cohort though at the moment, maybe it will ease in time.

she often gravitates towards other older in the year kids in any given setting and there are more spring summer borns in her school class. She loves adult company as well. I think for the predictability. Her pre school friends were the year above by chance- they didn’t split the rooms by age- none at the same school unfortunately.

did it improve in time for your DC?

@PinkLemonade3 how things manifest themselves: I think she just can’t find someone she wants to play with, Rather than her being actively excluded, I don’t think there is any hint of bullying fortunately. She knows to be friendly with people but she just can’t find her groove at school. I think she takes herself off from the group to a degree. She does seek out some yr1 (I think) girls she knows from Squirrels at lunch etc., I’m not sure how receptive they are.

I think it’s just knocking her confidence and is very tiring for her- she’s getting ‘nervous’ about why she feels ‘wrong’ (her explanations, not mine) she often says she just feels ‘wrong’ at school.

i don’t know how to help her, I’m trying to just assure, reassure and give her plenty of chance to be with people she is comfortable with outside of school- build her up a bit

DC2 is in year 4. She eventually found a friend this year. But she was often playing alone all her years in infants. However she’s not confident socially and she knows she’s not popular. I worry about her in secondary. This is very different from DC1. DC1 had a lot of friends in primary. She only started struggling in secondary.

Wrong thread

This is a tricky one OP. I'm not usually a fan of very small schools, but on the other hand your DD sounds really unhappy. On balance I think I would move her.

I think you're expecting a bit much of the friendship making skills of reception aged kids. I fear that your daughter would be just as unhappy/less happy at an alternative school. My dd is in Y1. There's a couple of kids who've been her 'special friends' since pretty much day one but there are others that have been slow burners. She would barely have known their name this time last year but they adore each other now. Friendships at this age can change in the blink of an eye.

I think reception aged kids still need an awful lot of guidance during play times. Play time can be very chaotic and overwhelming. Even if they do have special friends that they seek out and play with a lot they may not have the emotional maturity or common sense to stick together/plan a meeting spot etc. Have you discussed your concerns with the school? What do they do during breaktime to ensure that the new starters are happy and friendships nurtured? Is there a buddy system with the older kids? Do any of the supervisors run games etc? These are things that really helped my dd settle in. I'd be checking this with her current school and the proposed alternative school.

Maybe your dd would be happier at the other school but I'd work at really addressing what's making her unhappy at this one before rushing into a move. Does she need to learn to be a bit more flexible with her play/friendships? It's a long road ahead. Whatever you decide I fear that if you don't encourage resilience there's going to be much bigger problems in the future

What happens when they move up to year one? Will they stay in the same classes or be mixed up? That could be a big game changer!

My DD is in a 2 form entry school, in Y3 and they have stayed in the same classes since reception, but will be mixed up for September going into Y4, I'm glad as she only has 11 girls in her class of 30, and whilst they're all lovely girls, and she has a good core group of friends, they're all very big personalities and I think the big mix up will be a really good thing!

Is there an option to switch to the other form? Do they mix the forms up at the start of year 1? It would be worth asking and definitely raise your concerns to the teacher. Don't feel guilty, you didnt have a crystal ball and made the best choice you could at the time.

It could be worth seeing how she gets on during the last term. If you think moving her is the best option see if you can get a space for September. I would involve her in the decision, show her the schools etc.

Good luck, it's so hard.

@Princesscounsuelabananahammock I did think she was quite resilient until this to be honest.. I do think you’re right and maybe I’m expecting too much, or maybe she is.. if she was a bit of a floater and sometimes on her own at school but happy - I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. I know that her position of floating about being known to all but not anyone’s special friend isn’t a bad thing (as an adult, looking it) it’s just the impact it’s had on her that is tricky.

I will continue working on her confidence and resilience in all settings. I’m far from expert on how to do this though- any tips?

she is the kind of child that parents will comment on how confident she is, because at the party etc she has been happy to talk to them. When the ‘normal’ kids are all playing together.. she’s a bright cookie, It’s just this set of kids she seems to have a block with (there’s nothing wrong with the other kids - don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying there is at all, there are some lovely kids and families).

@Pjmasksonrepeat @Heckythump1 we don’t know yet what the plan is for year 1. New head and he has stated he will only mix if there is an imbalance, not as standard- I think behaviour is poor in the other class so maybe a re set is coming.

thanks for all your perspectives, I appreciate it.

Was she is nursery before reception? If so how did she get on there?

Is there any chance of a taster day at the other school? To see how she got on there?

I'd probably move her to be honest. She doesn't sound like she is coping well, worth a go at a different school I'd say.

I have a similar sounding DD. She didn't make proper friends until around May time in Reception. She didn't seem particularly unhappy about it but she was anxious about school in general. I think Reception was slightly chaotic and constant social situations to navigate. She was much happier with the structure of year 1. She was also sat with other kids of similar ability, who she became proper friends with. (Not saying this is a requirement for friendships but beforehand she gravitated towards mothering those who had additional needs which was sweet but not a very balanced friendship for either child).

By contrast my DS is in Reception now. He loves being able to choose what he does and he largely ignores the chaos around him. I suspect he won't like year 1 that much.