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Primary education

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Original poster

8yo reads a lot and doesn’t have a lot of friends

32 replies

whenitsover · 22/03/2024 16:56

yr 3 child reads a lot..mornings, break and lunch times at school, after school and before bed. This is despite encouragement to do other things, play games, with me, her younger sister etc. as a consequence she doesn’t really have a lot of friends, hardly gets birthday invites (and asks why she doesn’t get them), doesn’t get invited to play dates etc. I’m worried that her excessive reading is either preventing her from building/maintaining friendships, or is masking something else. She’s generally a happy child, but something does doubt herself, and attempts to correct her behaviour results in her calling herself bad/not good (despite positive framing of situation). Should I be concerned?

OP posts:
MumChp · 22/03/2024 19:22

No.

Encourage her to do sports, sing in a choir, go scouting or whatever possible but leave her alone if she is happy. Don't force her.

CountFucula · 22/03/2024 19:30

Support her and her confidence will grow. It’s great she’s reading.
You could ask if school have a lunchtime book club? Or friendship bench?

WhatWillIWear · 22/03/2024 19:40

attempts to correct her behaviour

Who is doing this?

What could possibly be wrong with spending your childhood reading?

For some of us there is nothing in the world that could provide such rich experiences and memories as those early years totally immersed in books. It provides an interior world that enthrals and supports you for a lifetime.

Of course ensure that she has opportunities to make and maintain friendships and engage in other activities - but never, never make her feel there’s something wrong with being ‘bookish’.

Obviously it would be nice if you could regularly read with and to her, and have her read to you. And also make sure she has a constant flow of information on new reading material.

Crowgirl · 22/03/2024 19:55

The best way to get play dates is to host play dates!

Original poster
whenitsover · 22/03/2024 20:05

WhatWillIWear · 22/03/2024 19:40

attempts to correct her behaviour

Who is doing this?

What could possibly be wrong with spending your childhood reading?

For some of us there is nothing in the world that could provide such rich experiences and memories as those early years totally immersed in books. It provides an interior world that enthrals and supports you for a lifetime.

Of course ensure that she has opportunities to make and maintain friendships and engage in other activities - but never, never make her feel there’s something wrong with being ‘bookish’.

Obviously it would be nice if you could regularly read with and to her, and have her read to you. And also make sure she has a constant flow of information on new reading material.

Not correct her behaviour by not letting her read, it’s more about asking her not to make a mess when eating, listening in the morning to get ready on time…so correct her behaviour was probably the wrong term

OP posts:
Original poster
whenitsover · 22/03/2024 20:06

Crowgirl · 22/03/2024 19:55

The best way to get play dates is to host play dates!

We do, however play dates are not reciprocated abd I feel like I’m the one to make the first move

OP posts:
Original poster
whenitsover · 22/03/2024 20:07

MumChp · 22/03/2024 19:22

No.

Encourage her to do sports, sing in a choir, go scouting or whatever possible but leave her alone if she is happy. Don't force her.

Edited

she is in school choir, goes brownies, and other after school clubs

OP posts:
Original poster
whenitsover · 22/03/2024 20:08

CountFucula · 22/03/2024 19:30

Support her and her confidence will grow. It’s great she’s reading.
You could ask if school have a lunchtime book club? Or friendship bench?

She has joined a friendship group at school

OP posts:
LeanIntoChaos · 22/03/2024 20:08

This was me. I went to a small primary school and was quirky and I just didn't really get on with any of my peers. I loved to read (still do), so to me it seemed really obvious that I would read a book on the wall rather than play games I didn't like. I used to read literally everything. My teacher joked I had a reading age of 43 after she found me with a vastly inappropriate Catherine cookson book at 10.

Had a lovely group of friends at secondary school and never had problems with friends at University or beyond, but always read a lot. I think I turned out ok 😁. My parents do say I was an 'odd child' though.

icecreamisforwintertoo · 22/03/2024 20:37

This was me too! I only had one friend really at primary school and rarely went to play dates and parties but it never bothered me. I found my tribe at secondary school, uni etc and have made good friends over the years. I was just an introvert who liked to live in my own head.
my children are a bit like this now although slightly sad to see my ten year old starting to read less.

Yogatoga1 · 22/03/2024 20:46

This is was me.

my mum clearly had the same worries you do, that I’d be friendless and unpopular.

i was perfectly happy, I’d rather be reading than play dates etc. I put myself through them as I felt I “should”, and I definitely felt the social
pressure of not having loads of friends and constant parties etc. it was hard, it was uncomfortable, and I didn’t enjoy it.

i had friends at school, at brownies and at my swimming club. I didn’t need constant invites and social activities to reflect my value. That is how I ended up feeling though, like I wasn’t good enough if I wasn’t part of the popular crowd.

at some point I realised I was actually much happier dialling right back on my social life and enjoying my own company. It doesn’t mean I’m sad and lonely.

leave her alone.

TheFancyPoet · 22/03/2024 21:30

I find the way English do women school totally awful. The play dates thing, the forced what's app and drinks night, the tarring everyone with the same brush of: join my clique on my own terms or fuck off. Your daughter is very lucky is escaping all that shite and is having a whole amazing life so early. Books will always be the best thing that can happen to her

TheSnowyOwl · 22/03/2024 21:35

Is there anything else you are concerned about? It could be that she happily loves reading but reading is known to be a typical special interest for autistic girls.

WhatWillIWear · 22/03/2024 21:44

Oh my God - we’re pathologizing reading books now?

But just if girls do it. Instead of brushing their waist length hair and playing with Pink Barbie alongside twenty identically dressed female friends?

Oh well …

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 22/03/2024 21:56

I always had friends at school, but I always loved disappearing into a book. Id often retreat to the library at lunchtimes. I did go to extremes with it though, used to cut class in high school and walk into town to go to the library there. I had a lot going on in my life, have ND kids and I think now I probably have ADD, maybe ASD too. Reading helped me retreat from the world and regulate. I think I would have loved reading no matter what, but my life circumstances made the mental time out a more pressing need.

One thing I have learned having Autistic kids is that my preconceived ideas of what they need aren't alway accurate. Some people are better off for having lots of time alone. Instead of applying general beliefs around things I try and be guided by what my DC want and need. For me it comes down to is she happy with the status quo or not? If she is then step back and try to let go of that worry and let her live how she needs. If she's unhappy and wants things to change then Id start with talking to her teacher and I'd continue the playdates whether reciprocated or not.

caringcarer · 22/03/2024 23:17

whenitsover · 22/03/2024 20:07

she is in school choir, goes brownies, and other after school clubs

Show quote history

Well if she's in a choir, goes to Brownies and after school clubs as Nd a friendship club at school I don't see the problem. Some people prefer their own company and are more self sufficient. Reading is a good thing. You should be proud of your DD. More friendships might come later.

mondaytosunday · 22/03/2024 23:21

If she's generally happy then let her be. I love reading and wish my kids read more.

nocoolnamesleft · 22/03/2024 23:26

As a child, I read lots, and didn't have many friends. As an adult, some of my best friends were met as part of a shared love of the same author. There's nothing wrong with being a bookworm, it's just a matter of with time finding other similar bookworms.

OolongTeaDrinker · 22/03/2024 23:28

I often yearn for the childhood days when I could read to my heart’s content. I say good for her and if she seems happy in herself then I wouldn’t be too concerned. A lot of kids don’t blossom socially until secondary school anyway.

Change2banon · 22/03/2024 23:36

OP I’m confused, you say she reads a lot, that’s all she really does and you're worried , yet you also say she is in school choir, goes brownies, and other after school clubs, has joined a friendship group at school, when prompted by posters … so which is it?

Tuppy2 · 22/03/2024 23:41

My son was exactly the same. He'd sit on his own in the playground with his book. He's 22 now and has lots of friends and still loves reading!

sunshine237 · 23/03/2024 07:06

WhatWillIWear · 22/03/2024 21:44

Oh my God - we’re pathologizing reading books now?

But just if girls do it. Instead of brushing their waist length hair and playing with Pink Barbie alongside twenty identically dressed female friends?

Oh well …

Edited

Seriously, what is the point of responses like this. The OPs question is perfectly reasonable, given it appears to be at the expense of friendships, for whatever reason.

No doubt it's helpful to hear other 'bookworm's experiences. I wouldn't worry about the reading itself, but OP what is your experience of your dd in social situations? How do the play dates go? What about group situations?

BendingSpoons · 23/03/2024 07:14

I read a lot as a child, still do! I do think it's worth exploring what is going on though. Does she want more friends? Does she struggle to know how to join in the playground games? If she is genuinely happy then that's great, but if there are other things going on, it might be worth encouraging her to try playing something else at break time.

How do things work at home? Have you tried letting her know you want to play a family game later on? That way she can finish the bit she is on before joining you, rather than being mentally still in book world.

WhatWillIWear · 23/03/2024 07:26

@sunshine237 Was it not clear that I was responding to a specific post? The idea that every bookish little girl must be suspected of autism is actually pretty horrifying - and I would have been highly alarmed if, instead of buying me books and allowing me all the time in the world to read, my parents had dragged me off to be examined and labelled.

Original poster
whenitsover · 23/03/2024 07:54

WhatWillIWear · 23/03/2024 07:26

@sunshine237 Was it not clear that I was responding to a specific post? The idea that every bookish little girl must be suspected of autism is actually pretty horrifying - and I would have been highly alarmed if, instead of buying me books and allowing me all the time in the world to read, my parents had dragged me off to be examined and labelled.

I didn’t mention autism
or any other disorder..and at that point in the post I don’t think others has either .,even if
it was, I don’t view autism in a negative way but want to ensure my child is appropriately supported

OP posts:
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