Anxious child losing 'golden time' for being too nervous to undertake task at school

[GruffaIo]

My DC is in Year 1 at school. He is quiet and shy, and generally very well-behaved. He can mis-read social cues. He has some good friends, but only a few. He doesn't speak up to teachers and we have had to address a couple of unpleasant incidents with the school this year. We feel he is generally overlooked by the teachers at school because he is quiet.

He is anxious about making mistakes - it's something we're working on at home. School has never raised it with us but it's pretty obvious to us - he'll sometimes cry and run off if he makes a mistake of a certain kind in homework. We want to move schools (-his current school do not know this) and have seen a tutor about working with us to help get him ready for the assessments; this tutor considers that he has autism traits, but we have not mentioned this to his (private) school in case that negatively affects their treatment of him or they put it in any reference to any school we apply to and that puts that school off.

Last week, he disclosed that he lost some 'golden time' but wouldn't talk about why. He was upset. Yesterday, he finally disclosed why. There was a computer game they were using at school - the character loses 'lives' if you make a mistake. He was getting so anxious about losing 'lives' he did not want to play the game. Apparently, they'd played the game a few times before but this was the first time we heard about it. He explained that because he didn't agree to do the game, he lost 'golden time'. He was very upset about it. He keeps track of everyone's 'golden time' (just like he keeps track of everyone's stars, their middle names, etc.) and is upset he's lost his perfect record.

I've asked to speak to his teacher about it as I do not feel that's the right approach with an anxious child, and risks making it worse. When he's anxious at home, we talk about how nothing bad will happen if he just tries and it goes wrong. So what if his character 'dies'; it's all just practice. This works for us, though it can sometimes take longer to get him to engage / re-engage. None of that gentle reassurance appears to have happened - just punishment of a child the teacher saw as disobedient. Am I overreacting in being annoyed?

You are putting too much pressure on him about 'assessments ' and creTing or at meast feeding into a perfectionist mindset.
A tutor is too much especially if he is anxious.
Does he play any computer games, if so he knows losing a life is nothing! If not, maybe you should let him play some.
The teacher cannot have kids refusing to do the tasks she directs! It sounds like you want to interfere with her running of the class

Tbh I would just let him chill out.

A year 1 child doesn't need tutoring for assessments in my view, particularly not if he's already anxious.

I'd leave him to relax and not make a big deal of anything at all.

I would reserve judgement until you have spoken to the teacher bout what actually happened. Children get very confused about cause and effect at this age and the not doing the game and not having golden time may not be connected

How do you know none of the gentle reassurance happened? You weren't there.

Kindly, there's only one child at home to reassure, cajole, explain to, wheras at school there's 30.

Apologies - I think I wasn't clear. We saw a tutor so we could get a sense of whether it would be possible for him to move to a different school (7+), where he might be happier and make more friends, or whether we should just keep him where he is. We're absolutely not putting pressure on him. We were worried if it was too far out of his reach that he would find any assessments upsetting and stressful and we were trying to avoid that.

I understand that a teacher can't have a child refusing to do something but there seems to have been no exploration of why he didn't want to do it, no attempt to provide reassurance and talk about the lack of consequences if he tries and it goes wrong - ie. to show that there's no pressure and it's no big deal if the character dies, which is what we do and say at home.

If he is showing ASD traits, why not tell school? Children behave differently at school and unless you advocate for him with them, they might not even know there is an isssue.

I wouldn’t support him to change schools yet, work with them and help build his resilience. I’ve been through this with my ASD child and he now goes to school without a fight and is excelling academically.

I agree I need to find out from the teacher what their account is of what happened.

You have a five year olds word for it. Speak to the adult in the classroom first before leaping to conclusions.

Also if it has taken 3 days for him to tell you, I doubt he would have opened up to a teacher in the moment. Bear that in mind too.

My daughter too feels impacted when she makes mistakes. However, her school really supports her, as they do each child, to work through this and so she is thriving. We also plays games at home like ‘mistake time’ or drawing challenges but the objective is to do the messiest picture etc. I’m sorry that you feel your child is being missed, that’s an awful feeling as a parent. I’m a big believer that the environment is a massive factor in how one feels supported/unsupported which determines how we respond to what’s going on around us. There sometimes is a ‘one size fits all’ approach at schools and often kids that don’t fall into that box, can be overlooked. I’d definitely have a chat with the teachers, just to explain what you know of your DS. It would be nice if you could work through it at the school you’re at, equally I’ve also know kids to be at the ‘wrong’ school for them, and they were far happier when they moved. Good luck x

Agree. My grandson was same.
OP have you thought of ASD ?

The teacher has limited time. What if three children didn't want to play the game? Would you expect a gentle chat with each of them, lasting ten minutes, so potentially half an hour spent doing this?
You need to explain that home and school work differently.

It’s a bit of stretch to say it takes 10 minutes to attune to a child who is reserved. They are his teachers and surely should know his temperament by now. In any case, it does no good to punish a child for being withdrawn, that’s not the solution if they wish for him to be involved.

Stop tutoring your 5 year old to pass entrance exams to a private school when he is 7. Especially one that would be “ put off “ by suspected autism.

If you think he’s autistic, get him assessed. Then either work with his existing school to better meet his needs or find another school that will welcome him with open arms.

There are many private schools that specialise in educating neuro diverse children.

He has more than traits of autism! From your descriptions, I would place large sums of money on him being autistic.

By not sharing your suspicions or starting any process out of your own fear, you are accidentally part of the problem here. First, the school doesn't know him as well as you do and you aren't telling them you see anxiety. Then you are upset with them for not acting as if they are fully informed.

Second - and this is crucial - you don't want him in a school that wouldn't want him if they knew he is autistic. Because he very probably is. And we know that ethos and being accepted and understood are vital for autistic children in education.

From the intervention side, I would get him thinking on big topics where there are no clear wrong answers. Things like "when do you think morning begins?" or "are babies really alive before they are born?" - to help him understand that sometimes there isn't a clear answer.

Your description of your DS made me wonder about autism as well, though I missed the bit about the tutor and thetutor's view at first.

You absolutely should raise your DS's potential autism to the school and get their help in assessments and support. It's not realistic to expect the school to make allowances for your DS's anxiety when you aren't telling them the whole story. Probably all the teacher saw was a child refusing to do as they were told for no apparent reason. And if you think this school wont be supportive of a child with autism then you need to find a school that will.

This is a common issue for ND children at school - they are unable to do something because of anxiety and adults view it simply as disobedience or being challenging and punish for it.
Having a diagnosis or the school accepting a child may be ND sometimes helps and they will give concessions, but schools generally have a very one size fits all ethos and expect children to conform.

We don't think the school will be supportive of him if he gets a diagnosis. They have not been supportive of a child of a friend of ours with a visible disability, and only did the bare minimum when our friends got solicitors involved. TBH we wish we'd never sent him there, but it's a well-regarded school and we had no way of knowing until he was already there. We thought the smaller class sizes would help him given his quiet nature.

His teacher does know about his anxiety in relation to certain incidents, eg. a classmate threatened to kill him (precise words used) if he did not play with him the next day and our son didn't want to go back to school the next day. There were a couple of other similar incidents.

Our only options to move him to another school will make him sit assessments, some more some less selective. We will absolutely pursue any potential diagnosis and support once we are able to move him.

I really appreciate the suggestions for ideas to try at home, such as mistake time and talking about questions with no 'correct' answers. Thank you.

Have you considered that any school that would not accept your son because of autism traits is not the right school for him. If he is neurodivrrgent he needs to be supported the right way by an understanding school.

He sounds a bit similar to DS at that age. DS worked really hard to keep up his perfect behaviour score at school and was very anxious about getting something wrong that would cause any step on the escalating behaviour management scheme they used at school.

It only started getting better when he did actually get his first 'red dojo'. It took him a while to let us know, and when he did, like you I first thought about talking to school - he got it for changing back to uniform after PE too slowly, which he really couldn't help (for reasons) and since it wasn't in his power to change, the punishment was inappropriate IMO and would not contribute to 'better behaviour' in any way (these systems rarely do IMO).
Instead we decided to use it as an emotional learning opportunity. DS was very switched on and we gave him the words and understanding to learn two things from this:

1. the world can be unfair. Sometimes it is worth fighting, because it really matters. But sometimes it isn't. Just to 'prove you are right' is often not worth the fight. You can't change (all) the unfairness, but you can work on how you deal with it. Accepting things as they are / not fighting for your point, does not mean that you are wrong, it just means you are choosing your battles.
2. This 'failure' of his was not 'the end of the world'. He got to make the experience that sometimes you do something, there is a consequence, and then it is over and pretty soon forgotten. I think it is very important especially for smart and always well behaved/trying to please children. To learn that mistakes (academic or behavioural) are often of very little actual consequence and are something that happens, the world keeps turning, it doesn't change who they are. Otherwise how can they ever try something new? How can they choose what they want, rather than choosing what they think is expected? To learn that mistakes are not such a big deal, you kind of actually have to experience making mistakes, so this was indeed a great opportunity. It's all well and good repeating to kids over and over that mistakes are a learning opportunity (as they did in DS' 'growth mindset' school) but it all remains theoretical if you never actually experience it.

In the years since (DS is now 13) we gave him many opportunities to make mistakes. Chess was good for this, also a musical instrument. In chess no human plays a perfect game, even world champions make mistakes. This has really helped DS. In games like chess it is all up to you, every move you make a choice, and it is you who bears the consequences (win/lose the game). But unlike in Tennis, where you lose, you're out, in chess competitions you lose, you pick yourself up and try again a few minutes later. Making mistakes and losing games is part and parcel of the deal and everybody does, even the prodigies. This is very valuable for children to experience IMO.
Also regarding music, you soon learn that effort pays out with progress (not perfection which is impossible) and that is well worth it. So it is very useful for kids with a perfectionist streak. You can always strive to improve, without the goal of perfection. It is never 'do it perfectly or don't attempt at all' which is a huge problem for perfectionist kids/people.

So for your DS I'd recommend having a chat about how it feels, this losing of golden time, losing the 'perfect record', perhaps losing his top spot in the ranking (even if the ranking only exists within his head). These are legitimate feelings, very real! But then also help him notice how the feelings do pass, how it is not, in the end, a big deal. And that you and everybody else still love him the same, and wow, look at how much you are learning from this!

Private schools do not want to deal with SEN children and they don’t have to. They can simply tell you the school is not the right place for your child. It seems like you have realised this anyway, but I wouldn’t expect the alternative school to be any better given what you’ve said about it.

Nonsense, many parents choose private school because of the smaller class sizes and the teacher having the time to meet individual needs.

However, I would definitely disclose his potential diagnosis as if they act negatively about it then it definitely isn't the right school for him.

Thanks for such a thoughtful reply, @movingnorthsoon . He does love chess although we've never been to any competitions. Initially, he was too reluctant to raise it when other children at the school chess club were 'winning' because they were not following the rules (-I suspect due to age and unfamiliarity, not purposeful cheating!) and he was upset he was losing when he shouldn't have been. However, he's been starting to find his voice there more, which we've encouraged.

We talk a lot at home about the value of mistakes but it's an ongoing process.

DD1 was like this but she definitely got a lot better as she got older and had the maturity to put things into perspective. She still sets high standards for herself though, you never have to push her.

Oddly DD2 was much more laid back but is the one now with the ASD (and ADHD) diagnosis.