Anxious child losing 'golden time' for being too nervous to undertake task at school

[GruffaIo]

My DC is in Year 1 at school. He is quiet and shy, and generally very well-behaved. He can mis-read social cues. He has some good friends, but only a few. He doesn't speak up to teachers and we have had to address a couple of unpleasant incidents with the school this year. We feel he is generally overlooked by the teachers at school because he is quiet.

He is anxious about making mistakes - it's something we're working on at home. School has never raised it with us but it's pretty obvious to us - he'll sometimes cry and run off if he makes a mistake of a certain kind in homework. We want to move schools (-his current school do not know this) and have seen a tutor about working with us to help get him ready for the assessments; this tutor considers that he has autism traits, but we have not mentioned this to his (private) school in case that negatively affects their treatment of him or they put it in any reference to any school we apply to and that puts that school off.

Last week, he disclosed that he lost some 'golden time' but wouldn't talk about why. He was upset. Yesterday, he finally disclosed why. There was a computer game they were using at school - the character loses 'lives' if you make a mistake. He was getting so anxious about losing 'lives' he did not want to play the game. Apparently, they'd played the game a few times before but this was the first time we heard about it. He explained that because he didn't agree to do the game, he lost 'golden time'. He was very upset about it. He keeps track of everyone's 'golden time' (just like he keeps track of everyone's stars, their middle names, etc.) and is upset he's lost his perfect record.

I've asked to speak to his teacher about it as I do not feel that's the right approach with an anxious child, and risks making it worse. When he's anxious at home, we talk about how nothing bad will happen if he just tries and it goes wrong. So what if his character 'dies'; it's all just practice. This works for us, though it can sometimes take longer to get him to engage / re-engage. None of that gentle reassurance appears to have happened - just punishment of a child the teacher saw as disobedient. Am I overreacting in being annoyed?

@shearwater2 that's exactly what we hoped for - smaller class sizes, and individual needs being met. However, our impression is that the teachers don't think of him at all - he's quiet, he generally gets on with it (aside from this example!), so they don't consider they need to give him much thought at all.

That is a staggering and totally unfair stereotype of private schools. Many children are in private schools precisely because they have SEN and do much better with smaller classes, specialist support, etc.

Did he lose golden time as punishment for refusing to play the game, or was playing the game the golden time activity and since he didn't want to do that he didn't get the golden time?

FWIW - as someone with two Dc in private school, one with mild SEN, they are fantastic. But at least in London, the 7+ competition is cutthroat and no matter how able your son is, he will get rejected from at least some of the schools you apply to. So you are going to have to manage his fear of failure around that very carefully.

However, our impression is that the teachers don't think of him at all - he's quiet, he generally gets on with it (aside from this example!), so they don't consider they need to give him much thought at all.

Based on what? One thing your 5yo told you?

Even with 20 children in a class, at absolute best that's 3 mins per kid per hour, nevermind the time spent whole class teaching. I think your expectations are very high.

@SummerInSun He lost the golden time as punishment for refusal to play the game. The game involves practicing fine motor skills. He has joint and balance problems, which we have disclosed to the school, so it is harder for him to do certain things. There was a hope he might grow out of those issues, but he hasn't yet. We have not asked for any allowances for that. So it's easier for him to make mistakes in the this game, but it was the anxiety around the mistakes rather than the joint issues themselves that caused the issue for him.

I agree about the London schools for 7+. If he was in a non-selective but supportive school and he was happy there, we absolutely would not move him, but we feel we have no choice. We don't have too many options that will enable us to keep our jobs (ie. get to drop off and pick up) due to our location.

@Hercisback No, obviously not. I don't rush to judgment that quick - based on lots of small things, eg. not being able to name any of his friends and even suggesting he's friends with boys he's not friends with; not being able to comment on any specifics about how he is doing beyond there being no issues, or on anything he likes doing, etc. at parents' evening; reading generic comments from his teacher in his school report that could have been written about any child, with only the subject-specialist teacher he sees much less frequently saying anything that suggested any insight into him; etc.

Said this before on here, based on my own experience and watching others in similar circumstances - private schools are often not the best option for children who struggle (for whatever reason). This is because their marketing is all that matters.

for example:
a father is looking to pay 25k a year to send his kid to a school.
School A and B both want his custom.
School A - all students are content and progressing academically and emotionally.
School B has two students who struggle - one socially and one educationally.
Which one do you think he’s going to pick?

they don’t WANT their students to be challenging. They don’t WANT their grade average to be lowered. They don’t WANT their resources to go to working with struggling students when they could go to finding ways to outshine competitor schools.

They don’t WANT students who take up extra attention because the father in my example doesn’t WANT to pay 25k a year for little Johnny’s teacher to be distracted by another student.

Of course their marketing says they’re wonderful and inclusive, but more often than not…they’re not. It’s all about optics.

That’s just how business works-and these schools are businesses. Anything (or anyone) who reflects badly on their business is not going to get a good response.

I don’t want to slag all private schools off, just saying to be careful and ask around a lot for personal experiences of kids who are neurodivergent etc who have been there recently.

ps I found watching training videos of gymnasts etc where they fail fail fail before they achieve helped broach the subject of failure being ok with mine who was very similar in regards to worry about failing.

We have a lot of ocd in our family and ocd is driven by perfectionist traits. I would urge you not to try and avoid certain things for him - he needs to build resilience to situations he is not happy with.

Some thoughts:

If he's ND trying to.hide that won't help
He does sound ND. He also sounds lovely
State school plus a wrap around nanny might work (koru kids?).
Or if private the ones that don't have competive exams to get in and don't push for all As.
Chess is a good shout.
Modelling failure is so important. 'Silly Daddy - I've lost the car key again'.
.

The not knowing his friends thing - does the teacher see playtime? Mostly that's the teachers break.

The teacher doesn't sound like she knows him very well, but is he open to her? How much does he share his life? I know part of the teacher's job is to get to know children, especially at primary, but this can be difficult if children don't really speak much. Have you had reports already? It's early in the year for them.

She should be able to identify specifics from work though, like Xs reading fluently, or he needs to work on bonds to 20.

Yes, we had a report just before Christmas. On the basis of that report, he had a trial morning at a slightly more selective local school. They declined to offer, saying he was where they wanted him academically but they felt he was socially slightly below where they would want him, citing an example of him being 'frustrated' that the snack at snack time was a uniform snack for everyone, not the snack from home. Honestly, I can't imagine he was genuinely frustrated, it just wasn't what he expected and he likes the snacks we send, which is his routine at his current school. But if that's enough not to offer, so be it.

The teachers take turns supervising breaktimes, free time at the start of the day (drop off before lessons start) and for some of the after-school provision. They also sit with the children at lunchtime. So they should have some insight into who he plays with and what he likes to do.

Op I wouldn't want my young child at a selective school if it's like that, how brutal

Does he have hypermobility? Often co-exists with ASC (myself and dd both diagnosed with both)

@Ivyy Yes, he has hypermobile joints. I didn't know the conditions were commonly found together, interesting! I have ADHD.

I agree about the other school, though it had a friendly feel to it and we were hopeful he might make more friends there :( Of course, it may not have been about the snack at all, but they may have sensed he was showing traits of autism, didn't want to tell us that, and so came up with that excuse.

Honestly, I can't imagine he was genuinely frustrated, it just wasn't what he expected and he likes the snacks we send, which is his routine at his current school.

Children with autism often react much more strongly than most children to the unexpected and to changes from routine. It's important that any school understands and is responsive to what is going on for your child or they're not going to be able manage him and it's going to be traumatic all round but espeically for your DS.

If they rejected your DS because of his "frustration" then he might have reacted more strongly than you might have seen, because as his family you are familiar with his needs and responsive to them, and he feesl safe around you.

To be honest the school might be more positive if they knew he was on the pathway to assessment. Some parents don't want to acknowledge that their child could have e.g. autism and that creates big problems for the school in how to support and manage the child.

Also - it's worth bearing in mind that a school who are interviewing your DS can't tell you that he has "traits of autism" even if that is what they suspect. That's a clinical diagnosis and it's not one that they are qualified to make. They told you what they reasonably could.

Realistically your best bet might be to get your DS assessed for ASC and similar conditions first and then decide what to do about his education based on the outcome. That way you have a better chance of moving him to a school that will suit him and not having to move him again. Even if that means keeping him in his current school for a while longer. If he does have autism (or similar) then you might need to rethink your options altogether.