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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Why why why do I get so upset about parties?

36 replies

morethanmum · 07/03/2008 10:53

I know it's silly, but I just feel so sad for them when they don't get invited by people they play with. It's partly the whole thing where the birthday child tells everyone they are invited, then hands out the invites and obv not everyone is. Just recently ds wasn't invited despite being told he was, and I know it's all a bit cliquey in reception, and the mums invite their friends' kids as much as their kids' friends, but still. Also ds has speech problems and I keep thinking maybe this won't help him socially. DS (9) got left out of her best friend's party which has caused falling outs at school etc - isn't there a better way? I just wish the teachers stuck the invites in bags at the end of the day because 5 is too young to understand some stuff. Right, now I'm off for a coffee and a little post baby cry at my socially deprived dc.

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sphil · 07/03/2008 10:59

I used to feel like this very much when DS1 was in Reception and Year 1. He has some Aspergers traits and I used to worry myself sick about him being socially isolated. Now he's changed schools and in Year 2 he still doesn't get invited to many parties (none at all this academic year so far) but I'm far more chilled about it. It's partly because there's none of this public handing out of invites at this school, and partly because once they're 6 they tend to have smaller parties anyway, so it doesn't feel so bad when your child isn't invited!

So no advice really - just huge sympathy and to say it does get better in a year or so!

taffy101 · 07/03/2008 11:04

I know what you mean, I was a bit miffed when dd wasn't invited to one recently, when previously in playgroup, everyone seemed to invite the whole group. But I suppose it is the beginning of the children's learning curve.

dd was invited to one with 4 other children and if felt more personable than the mass gatherings and I felt more inclined to buy a decent present.
She was bragging to another girl about going to this party and the other girl just said (in a sad voice)'i didn't get a tation'. I felt a bit sad for her, but she just turned her attention to something else and seemed to forget about it.

I guess its just one of those parts of life that we'd like to shelter them from but they need to learn some time

Original poster

morethanmum · 07/03/2008 11:09

I know - it's the fact that they all think they are going, and ds is so sweet, planning a present etc, and I feel quite hurt as we did invite this child to ds' party - we did the whole class because it was right at the start of term. I don't want hime invited to every party, it's just the public thing of it.

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avenanap · 07/03/2008 11:12

I hate parties, my ds is almost always not invited as he can be a handful, I find it more upsetting then he does. I'd hate for him to have a party and not invite people from his class, I'd feel really bad.

Original poster

morethanmum · 07/03/2008 12:30

Just got back after making him a chocolate fudge cake. I think most boys are a handful, and I think it's maybe one thing to learn to be taught you can't go to everything, but isn't there a case for telling your own party giving child to be careful of other people's feelings. Also I feel stupid because I almost said to this child's mum how nice it was that our boys got on - and she obv doesn't agree as she hasn't invited him!

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scattyspice · 07/03/2008 12:35

Parties are very difficult. But I agree its a fact of life.
I can't afford a big party for DS so will have to have it at home with just a few close friends (although his close friends keep changing so someones bound to feel left out).
In some ways its better to have a small party with only a few invited than a large party with only a few left out.

Original poster

morethanmum · 07/03/2008 12:45

Totally agree. In the last school dd went to, one boy invited all the girls in the class except dd for three years in a row. God knows why. Do think parents have to be nice when planning guest lists.

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Fennel · 07/03/2008 12:50

I find it stressful, and sometimes very painful. But sometimes it is just chance whether they get invited or not. Sometimes I find out later my children have lost invitations (in school drawer, down the back of someone else's sofa).

And my children are ridiculously hit and miss when it comes to compiling party lists. Dd1, last year, invited half the class but NOT the one child who she actually spent the whole of the next term playing with. dd2 "forgets one" of her class, she says "I forget her because she's so nice".

VintageGardenia · 07/03/2008 12:52

I can see how it's difficult, poor children. Luckily at my ds's school they have a policy which they let all parents know about - either invite the whole class (there are 18) or just one or two people. It has saved us a huge amount of hassle. I think it's hard for a young child to rank their friends, which are their favourite ten or whatever, and the parents end up deciding who they want.

Do you have any general parents' meetings where it could be raised in a neutral way? And either a partygiver doesn't give out the invitations at school, or they are just slipped into the bags at the end of the day?

scattyspice · 07/03/2008 12:54

LOL Fennel.

Good idea VG.

Hulababy · 07/03/2008 12:56

Have to admit that this is why we do whole class parties. It is just easier! And TBH if hiring a hall then not much difference in cost anyway.

It is easier for us though as much less children in DD's class than many classes.

TheOriginalXENA · 07/03/2008 13:00

DS1 went to a school where the invites were just put into the bookbags by the teacher- much better imo!

Fennel · 07/03/2008 13:10

Bookbag system isn't immune to losing invitations. I know for sure my dds are all invited to a party next week. The mother told me, it's dd1's best friend. dd2 told me that the invitation went into dd1's book bag. Yet it isn't there, scatty dd1 denies all knowledge of it.

If it weren't the best friend and if I wasn't already chatting to the mother we would have no idea.

dd1 gets far fewer party invitations than dd2 or dd3, but I really can't tell if she's just losing them all.

LifeIsHell · 07/03/2008 13:22

Bookbag system much better for rnsuring children don't feel obviously left out, though. DC are invited to relatively few parties eg, only one so far this school year but thankfully don't know about the many other parties going on.

LifeIsHell · 07/03/2008 13:22

ensuring, even.

fedupwasherwoman · 07/03/2008 13:33

It's tricky isn't it. The first list of party guests that ds1 dictated for me to write down was bizarre bearing in mind who he plays with and who he tells me "won't let me play with them".

I waited 24 hours and asked him to tell me the names again.... slightly different list... so I did it one more time pretending that I had carelessly lost the two previous lists.

I then took the 10 names that featured on all 3 lists plus those who I know he had a really good reason for wanting to invite (like he had been to their party).

He recently got a cancellation notice (child has a broken leg and is no longer up to her planned disco party) for a party we didn't receive an invitation to and I'm guessing the book bag system is to blame.

On the whole however I think you should campaign for the invitations to be given to the teacher/T.A. to be put in the bookbags as this seems to be a fairly painless way to deal with not everyone being invited. It certainly works at our school.

Seriously, morethanmum if you don't try and change the system, who else will and if you don't have a go at improving it now, when will it ever improve ?

bluenosesaint · 07/03/2008 14:47

Aww i'm with you morethanmum - i hate this ...

My dd is about to have a party and wanted to invite all the girls except for one girl particular girl in her class. This little girl hadn't invited my dd to her party and my dd was the only one not to be invited, obviously it was really upsetting at the time (for her and me, lol) but tbh i don't think dd had remembered that, she simply said that she doesn't play with x, x doesn't like her, and x isn't coming! Obviously they simply don't get on.

Dh agreed with dd and didn't want to invite x because x hadn't invited dd to her party, grrrr men

Dd and I sat down and discussed it and after disussing office politics (??!) with a nearly 5 year old, dd decided that x could come. phew.

I would've overruled her anyhow, but i wanted the decision to come from dd ...

Anyway, turned out to be irrelavant really as x has declined the invite, LOL.

Kids eh?

Fimbo · 07/03/2008 14:52

My ds sobbed for 1/2hr at nursery today because a little boy (who I suspect my ds is keener on than he is on my ds) told him he wasn't getting invited to his party in July!

Parties are a minefield.

Original poster

morethanmum · 07/03/2008 18:24

Just got back from RL - thankyou for the bookbag system and the general niceness. I agree, fed up, I think I will bring it up because my friends have the same issues (same school) with their dc. I feel a bit less like I'm being precious...

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Original poster

morethanmum · 07/03/2008 18:26

Lol at Bluenose for rebuffed kindness...

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MummyDoIt · 07/03/2008 18:33

I can sympathise with this but also please have little sympathy for the parents organising the parties. I'd love to be able to invite DS's whole class but we simply don't have the space at home for more than half a dozen children. Hiring a hall isn't an option as DH's health is so unreliable at the moment and we don't know from day to day what will be happening, let alone weeks in advance. I have to limit invitations to special friends. Where possible, I try to give the invitation to the parent in the playground but, if I don't know the parent, I have no choice but to let DS give them out. I do feel very sorry for the children who might be disappointed and hate to do it but we really do have no choice.

DoodleToYou · 07/03/2008 18:35

Message withdrawn

Original poster

morethanmum · 07/03/2008 18:44

It's not that they should be invited to every party going, just that it's really hard when it is so obvious, and it becomes a power trip for some of them (esp girls!) to invite/disinvite people. I am thinking about how to approach the school re bookbag idea.

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DoubleBluff · 07/03/2008 18:53

AS they get older you will realise what a chor it is taking them to parties all the time, and be relievde that they haven't been invited.
DS2 (5yrs) hasn'r been invited to three parties this weekend whic means I can watch the rugby ( come on Wales).
He has his party next weekend and due to limited funds we have only invited the boys he plays with ( about 8) and some family and friends outside school.
It is part of life i am afraid.

harpsichordcarrier · 07/03/2008 18:55

oh lord I know! I know!
dd1 came out of school today with a bag of sweets and my stomach flipped over because it was a girl who came to her party last year
argh to it all, really
I am in two minds about what to do this year. inviting the whole class is tempting but so MANY of them

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