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Original poster

Parents don't befriend their kids classmates parents?

64 replies

SpinachandChocolate · 07/10/2023 20:36

Hi,

My kid just started primary school. I've heard that parents don't usually make friends with other parents of kids at the same school. My friends and I have also noticed other parents at our different primaries a bit stand-offish.

Is this a thing, and if so why?

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Goldbar · 08/10/2023 07:46

It's not necessarily friendship, but there is a feeling of fellowship amongst the parents at my DC's school. We spend a lot of time standing around at parties chatting to each other so it helps to be friendly and take an interest in each other's lives. It's useful having people who can tell you what the homework is and whether you've forgotten a costume day as well.

BBno4 · 08/10/2023 07:48

Yeah, I dont want to be friends with school mums. A lot of them love to gossip and one day I might be the subject of it.

Also its to protect my children, something could happen between me and another mum and the children could be used as pawns, told not to play with eacuother. Best to avoid.

AndrewGarfieldsLaptop · 08/10/2023 07:50

We moved from a primary school where everyone spoke to one another to this one where no one makes eye contact. I much prefer it.

YouJustDoYou · 08/10/2023 07:50

Don't really have the time to stand and chat and make friends. Don't mean to be "standoffish" but got places to be.

PerspiringElizabeth · 08/10/2023 07:54

Oh it sounds like some people are talking about their kids’ friends’ parents. I’m more chatty with parents I get a good vibe from, whether or not their kid plays with mine. I’ve got one genuinely good friends from the school gates and her kid isnt in the same class as mine even.

Doesn’t hurt to be friendly but if you choose not to be then the whole ‘I’ve got enough friends’ vibe works as people will pick up on it and you wont get any more 😄

HappyCamperTent · 08/10/2023 08:00

Because I don’t want to be friends with people just because we both have children who go to the same school… that’s not enough of a similar interest to make a friendship out of. There needs to be more reason to be drawn to a person for friendship.

Saschka · 08/10/2023 08:07

The thing is, friendship groups change so much in primary - DS is friends with different people now to the people he played with in Reception. I’m friendly to everyone, and always chat to 3-4 sets of parents, but those aren’t DS’s best friends.

HauntedPencil · 08/10/2023 08:37

A lot of people do make friends at the school I think it's demographics as in how many people in the year have a large group already and I find it takes time and isn't instant.

SallyWD · 08/10/2023 09:21

Our school is very close knit and many of the parents are best friends now - socialise together, holiday together etc.
I'm pretty shy so haven't been fully involved in all that but do go for nights out sometimes. All the parents are lovely, I have to say.

DivingForLove · 08/10/2023 09:25

Some of my closest friends now are those I made at the school gates but as another pp said I’m a friendly person and don’t judge people as gossipy and cliquey without even talking to them 😊.

Goldbar · 08/10/2023 10:05

AndrewGarfieldsLaptop · 08/10/2023 07:50

We moved from a primary school where everyone spoke to one another to this one where no one makes eye contact. I much prefer it.

Isn't that a bit awkward at parties?

harerunner · 09/10/2023 21:30

I hate the school gate. Why do some parents think you want to pass the time of day with them? I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

I tend to stand crossed arms with a scowl starring straight ahead. I never so much as glance at the pathetic "pick me" mums with their tedious chatter and fake happy laughter.

Once one of the goody-goody PTA mums started to approach me, probably to ask me about some cake sale of some other bollocks, and I just told her "don't even think about it" without averting my eyes to glance upon her pathetic face... and the stupid cow decided to continue to approach with some rictus grin... so I told her exactly where to fuck the fuck off to.... it's the only time a brief smile has come across my face at the school. Some people just don't get the hint do they.

UsingChangeofName · 09/10/2023 21:55

It's not necessarily friendship, but there is a feeling of fellowship amongst the parents at my DC's school. We spend a lot of time standing around at parties chatting to each other so it helps to be friendly and take an interest in each other's lives. It's useful having people who can tell you what the homework is and whether you've forgotten a costume day as well.

This.
I was "friendly with" people standing in the same playground at the same time as me. Just because it is nice to pass the time of day with someone, but then also, over several years there are times when it becomes useful to share lifts, or help one another out with the odd pick up, or - as has been said - to check something you've forgotten / got confused about.
But I personally didn't start socialising with other parents, just because they were other parents. However, I'm fairly sure there were parents who did. It depends on things like how busy the rest of your life is (are you a SAHP, or rushing off to work.....do you already volunteer elsewhere ........ Do you have one child or several ...... do you already have a lot of local friends, hobbies, "communities", close family .......etc).

But that's the same wherever you meet people..... from your school mates, to your colleagues...... to activities you do.... to activities your dc do ...... at Church...... at your sport .... wherever. You "get along with" most people, but only a small % become good friends.

MerryMarigold · 09/10/2023 22:01

It varies. I have 3 children but I have a tight group of friends from only DS2's primary school friendship group. Our children went to 3 different secondary schools but we still meet up approx monthly and they're now in Y10! It helps that we're all very local to one another.

SleepDemons · 09/10/2023 22:04

harerunner · 09/10/2023 21:30

I hate the school gate. Why do some parents think you want to pass the time of day with them? I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

I tend to stand crossed arms with a scowl starring straight ahead. I never so much as glance at the pathetic "pick me" mums with their tedious chatter and fake happy laughter.

Once one of the goody-goody PTA mums started to approach me, probably to ask me about some cake sale of some other bollocks, and I just told her "don't even think about it" without averting my eyes to glance upon her pathetic face... and the stupid cow decided to continue to approach with some rictus grin... so I told her exactly where to fuck the fuck off to.... it's the only time a brief smile has come across my face at the school. Some people just don't get the hint do they.

This has GOT to be made up 😂

Original poster
SpinachandChocolate · 10/10/2023 13:49

harerunner · 09/10/2023 21:30

I hate the school gate. Why do some parents think you want to pass the time of day with them? I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

I tend to stand crossed arms with a scowl starring straight ahead. I never so much as glance at the pathetic "pick me" mums with their tedious chatter and fake happy laughter.

Once one of the goody-goody PTA mums started to approach me, probably to ask me about some cake sale of some other bollocks, and I just told her "don't even think about it" without averting my eyes to glance upon her pathetic face... and the stupid cow decided to continue to approach with some rictus grin... so I told her exactly where to fuck the fuck off to.... it's the only time a brief smile has come across my face at the school. Some people just don't get the hint do they.

🤣 appreciate the honesty. No we don't get the hint - maybe it was me with the smiles and cake obligations!

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinachandChocolate · 10/10/2023 14:01

UsingChangeofName · 09/10/2023 21:55

It's not necessarily friendship, but there is a feeling of fellowship amongst the parents at my DC's school. We spend a lot of time standing around at parties chatting to each other so it helps to be friendly and take an interest in each other's lives. It's useful having people who can tell you what the homework is and whether you've forgotten a costume day as well.

This.
I was "friendly with" people standing in the same playground at the same time as me. Just because it is nice to pass the time of day with someone, but then also, over several years there are times when it becomes useful to share lifts, or help one another out with the odd pick up, or - as has been said - to check something you've forgotten / got confused about.
But I personally didn't start socialising with other parents, just because they were other parents. However, I'm fairly sure there were parents who did. It depends on things like how busy the rest of your life is (are you a SAHP, or rushing off to work.....do you already volunteer elsewhere ........ Do you have one child or several ...... do you already have a lot of local friends, hobbies, "communities", close family .......etc).

But that's the same wherever you meet people..... from your school mates, to your colleagues...... to activities you do.... to activities your dc do ...... at Church...... at your sport .... wherever. You "get along with" most people, but only a small % become good friends.

Thanks. I work almost full time. I have one child. I have about four good friends. Its mostly my child - he had close friends at nursery, he's very outgoing and now feels left out that no one from his school wants to go to the park etc..

He's too young for all the clubs round here.

I'm also generally chatty, I make friends or at least acquaintances easily. I'm not trying to force people to be my friend or bake cakes though 🤣

But mostly I was just wondering. People say they're not friends with other parents just because their kids are at the same school. Yet with nursery it's that way, at uni halls of residence it was for many people like that. So I wondered what it was. But I think I have some good answers.

Well make more effort with existing friends even though its less convenient, the long bike rides after school are good for him :)

OP posts:
Saschka · 10/10/2023 14:51

SleepDemons · 09/10/2023 22:04

This has GOT to be made up 😂

Show quote history

I really hope so! Grade A trolling if so.

Topseyt123 · 10/10/2023 15:00

I became fairly good friends with two or three other parents during the primary school years but it didn't last much beyond when they all went to secondary school. we're not really in contact at all now except for the very occasional snippet which might appear on somewhere like FB once in a blue moon. Lives have just gone in very different directions.

I'm not bothered really. It was nice while it lasted but was never going to be permanent.

Topseyt123 · 10/10/2023 15:07

harerunner · 09/10/2023 21:30

I hate the school gate. Why do some parents think you want to pass the time of day with them? I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

I tend to stand crossed arms with a scowl starring straight ahead. I never so much as glance at the pathetic "pick me" mums with their tedious chatter and fake happy laughter.

Once one of the goody-goody PTA mums started to approach me, probably to ask me about some cake sale of some other bollocks, and I just told her "don't even think about it" without averting my eyes to glance upon her pathetic face... and the stupid cow decided to continue to approach with some rictus grin... so I told her exactly where to fuck the fuck off to.... it's the only time a brief smile has come across my face at the school. Some people just don't get the hint do they.

🙄🙄🤔

I expect you are a troll.

On the off chance you may not be, your behaviour there is neither clever nor anything to be proud of. There are ways and means of declining something without being outright nasty and a total dick.

I wasn't keen on the school gate or the PTA either but it didn't mean I spoke to people in an uncivilised manner.

Llamadramma · 10/10/2023 15:14

OP I made lovely friends from my NCT group and lovely friends from DS1 primary school , DS2s class just weren’t as nice and were very cliquey. By then I was time poor anyway . DS2 has always been popular so he didn’t suffer. You may find your class have older siblings and the mums are all friended out like I was ?

thesugarbumfairy · 10/10/2023 15:30

In my experience, this is completely untrue. I have lots of friends and acquaintances I have met through both of my children because we met whilst they were at primary. (and some at nursery) Either at the school gates, or at various events like kids parties, or other activities the kids did.
Secondary is very different - you rarely meet any of them. But yes of course it depends on individuals and also where you live. I'm still friend with mums I met when DS1 started school - he's in 6th form now. We meet up for drinks occasionally. Ditto with DS2 - some of my close friends are mums I met through his year group.

Hibernatalie · 10/10/2023 15:54

The people I'm friends with are people I have a similar sense of humour too and interests and things, at the school gate is just people you happened to have a child around the same time as. I never really understood that as a basis for friendship. I am only there once a week though.

kiddosbedtimealready · 10/10/2023 17:47

Depends on the area. If it is an area where most families go back generations, or where few people move in from outside, parents not interested in befriending "incomers" as they have big extended families and think they know everyone any way. If it's an area that people move to for work, think middle class professionals in nice areas, then more likely to be open to new friendships. There's a big range in between these poles.

cherrypeachparfait · 10/10/2023 17:51

I’ve been v friendly with parents over the years but nothing very long lasting. I’d always be really pleased to see them, happily share a drink but I’m not going to go out of my way to meet up once the children have gone to different schools etc. I like these kind of friendships myself. I like being friends with the people I bump into but I move on quite easily too.